by sheer coincidence, Jennifer Aniston is getting married too

By brendon April 23, 2012 @ 1:24 PM

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Because Jennifer Aniston would literally die if she had to sit back for the next few months and watch Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan their romantic storybook wedding, Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend Justin Theroux are apparently getting married now too. Except even sooner, and even more romantic storybookier.

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.??

Crete sounds like a good choice because I don’t think that’s even a real fucking place and maybe her desperation isn’t as well known there as it is everywhere else. All the hours Aniston has spent daydreaming, arranging a roomful of cardboard cut-outs of famous people placed in chairs like an awards show rehearsal and then having someone say they agree to marry her, will finally pay off.

a Pitt-Jolie prenup would be worth almost $300,000,000

By brendon April 17, 2012 @ 7:47 PM

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There hasn’t been any word about when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will eventually get married, or where (though their home in France seems likely because the ceremony will probably be small and quiet and the French have better privacy laws), or if they’ll get a prenup first, but if they do, it’s gonna take a while to spell everything out.

According to Forbes, Brad, is worth an estimated $150 million, while Angelina is worth a whopping $120 million, a net worth equaling $270 million.
“The chances of them not having a pre-nup is slim and zip,” Goldie Schon, Los Angeles attorney, tells Celebuzz.  “You can’t imagine that with this type of wealth and this type of stature that they’re not going to protect themselves so that they don’t have a situation in the future.”

Actually I would be surprised if they did get one. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t really give a fuck what other people do or think. They’re not driven by perception or self interest. This isn’t Kim Kardashian, who really needs to be enlightened.

Wait, does “enlightened” mean “hit by lightning”, because that’s what I’m trying to say.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged

By brendon April 13, 2012 @ 5:58 PM

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A jeweler in Beverly Hills told the Hollywood Reporter that he and Brad Pitt designed an engagement ring for Angelina Jolie, a ring she was seen wearing Wednesday night at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art with Pitt and their son Pax.

“Brad had a specific vision for this ring, which he realized over a yearlong collaboration. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect, so I was able to locate a diamond of the finest quality and cut it to an exact custom size and shape to suite Angelina’s hand. Brad was always heavily involved, overseeing every aspect of the creative design evolution. The side diamonds are specially cut to encircle her finger. Each diamond is of the highest gem quality.”

Someone should probably go hide Jennifer Anistons belts and shoelaces just in case.

youll never guess who Jennifer Ansiton brings up

By brendon February 08, 2012 @ 11:54 AM

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Jennifer Aniston tells the March issue of InStyle that she’s tired of seeing magazines talking about her and Brad Pitt for no reason. Magazines such as the March issue of InStyle, which has an interview where Jennifer Aniston starts talking about Brad Pitt for no reason.

“There are so many [misconceptions about me],” Jen says, adding that the most annoying one is “the triangle with my ex-husband — and that there’s a feud there.”
“It’s constant,” she adds. “It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

She then goes on to explain that Pitt has no place in her heart anymore, except for being the gold standard that all other men are measured against.

But, Jen reassures fans that she is over that drama and ready to live out the rest of her life with a good man, whom she may have found in beau Justin Theroux. 
“Having experienced everything you don’t want in a partner over time, it starts to narrow down what you actually do want,” Jen admits. “As I get older, I realize what qualities are important in love and what suits me. And what I won’t settle for.”

Wow she’s a real role model for the ladies out there. Before her current boyfriend, guys kept leaving to go bang someone better, and it was then that Jennifer started to wonder if the relationship was working. So she just let them go. Granted the guys didn’t know it because they were long gone by then, but she really put her foot down and said enough.

Angelina Jolie hates Stacy Keibler. Or doesn’t.

By brendon January 24, 2012 @ 3:20 PM

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George Clooney, Stacy Keibler, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie all shared a private jet to the Palm Springs Film Festival, and Us magazine makes it perfectly clear that Angelina hated Stacy for every second of it.

“Angelina refused to acknowledge that Stacy was even on the plane … (She) went out of her way to ignore her, from takeoff to landing. She would not even look Stacy’s way. She was not having it!”

MEE-OW!!! Except that it isn’t true, according to Stacy Keibler.

“That (story) is completely false. She has been nothing but great and nice to me. That’s 100 percent false… I’ve hung out with them a couple of times and they’ve been nothing but nice.”

If there was any tension on that plane it was probably because Brad and George were both waiting for someone to suggest an orgy, or at least that they switch partners. Jokingly at first, just to break the ice, but then, you know, maybe not jokingly.

Brad and Angelina might have more kids

By brendon December 13, 2011 @ 12:29 PM

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Angelina Jolie tells the new issue of Marie Claire that, though she isn’t planning on having more kids, that doesn’t mean she won’t. It’s possible. Because when you’re the real life Lara Croft, people will try to fuck you a lot.

Jolie, 36, says she’s open to expanding her brood of six with partner Brad Pitt, 47. “Nothing planned at the moment, but we just don’t know. I could end up pregnant.”
Jolie (says) Pitt “has expanded my life in ways I never imagined. We built a family. He is not just the love my life, he is my family. I hold that very dear … I’m very very grateful to have such a loving family, and I wouldn’t have that without him.”
The self-proclaimed homebody adds that because she only has “a few girlfriends,” Pitt has become her one trusted confidant.
“I talk to my family,” Jolie says. “I talk to Brad… But I don’t know, I don’t have a lot of friends I talk to. He really is the only person I talk to.”

Wait, Brad Pitt is her most trusted confident and one of the only people she talks too? Because that’s the exact plot to ‘Fight Club’. If she starts having a bunch of mysterious bruises someone should probably look into this.

(image source = getty)