Crystal Hefner Is An American Hero

By Travis May 27, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Charlie Sheen was scheduled to be the celebrity host of this past Saturday’s Memorial Day Weekend Salute pool party at the Sapphire Pool and Day Club in Las Vegas, and of course he bailed on that. Maybe he was caught up in filming a scene for a movie or his show, or maybe he just decided not to get up from between whatever soulless and fatherless 19-year old girls that he passed out on top of the night before. Either way, it left Sapphire’s management with a big decision to make.

Fortunately, they made the right call and just had the other celebrity guest, Crystal Hefner, stand around in her extra small bikini and blow kisses at people. And if someone showed up and asked where Charlie was, she’d just tell them, “He’s dead” and then bounce up and down.

(Photo Credits: Judy Eddy/WENN.com)

Charlie Sheen Talked About Lindsay Lohan With Jay Leno (VIDEO)

By Travis April 12, 2013 @ 9:00 AM








Charlie Sheen was on The Tonight Show on Wednesday to promote his new film, Scary Movie 5, in theaters today, and the conversation quickly turned to his strange friendship with Lindsay Lohan. Sheen helped Lohan out last year by loaning her six figures to pay her back taxes, because that’s the kind of thing a 47-year old man does for a 26-year girl with no strings attached.

But the big question for Sheen, who co-stars with Lohan in Scary Movie 5, was whether or not Lohan behaved herself on the set of his show, Anger Management, on which she appears in an upcoming episode. The answer, of course, is no. Hell no. He basically accused her of hijacking the show and stealing more jewelry. In fact, he might as well have just accused her of giving him herpes. Sure, we’d laugh and say, “Yeah, she gave you herpes” but hey, it was worth a shot.

Lindsay borrowed this $1750 dress, immediately destroyed it

By brendon February 20, 2013 @ 6:16 PM

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If your grandmother were here she would say, “no good deed goes unpunished”, because Lindsay Lohan was all over town last week, desperate to borrow a fancy dress for the amFAR gala, and was only successful when Charlie Sheen arranged for celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch to loan her one. And it was beautiful; a beaded full-length gown from Hollywood favorite Theia worth $1750.

But of course this is a Lindsay Lohan story, so, naturally, within a matter of hours, she was in a bar with a pair of scissors cutting the gown in half.

“She said that the dress had ripped (and) she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress,” a source tells Us Weekly. “But what bouncer has scissors?”

Wouldn’t it be amazing if one day you woke up and read a story where Lindsay Lohan wasn’t a complete cunt? I think my legs would kick out and my hat would pop off my head like in cartoons.

Presidents Day headlines

By brendon February 18, 2013 @ 3:38 PM

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CHARLIE SHEEN – will pay the $10,000 needed to buy a golden retriever specially trained to turn on lights, pick up objects, and other everyday situations, for a 15-year-old girl (that he has never met) who was crippled in an accident. In a related story, I waved someone though in traffic today. I’M AN AMAZING MAN! (nydn)

MAYA RUDOLPH – is pregnant for the fourth time. Which beats the number of times I assumed anyone (much less the brilliant Paul Thomas Anderson) would have sex with her by 4. (hollywood reporter)

JERRY BUSS – has owned the Lakers since 1979, during which the team won an amazing 10 championships, died today at the age of 80. Kobe Bryant will try several dozen times but eventually miss the funeral. (la times)

DREW BARRYMORE didn’t wear any makeup to visit an art gallery in Beverly Hills with her husband Will Kopelman, who had to be thrilled by the endless reminders that even ordinary things can be kinda pretty if someone adds some color and applies even the slightest bit of fucking effort. (fame/flynet)

the ‘Two and a Half Men’ kid says not to watch ‘Two and a Half Men’

By brendon November 26, 2012 @ 11:50 PM

Angus Jones, the little kid from ‘Two and a Half Men’, tells something called Voice of Prophecy that the only half man we should have in our lives is our lord and savior Jesus Christ (that works better if you pretend he was sawed in half instead of crucified).

“If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”

I really don’t think that’s true. Who would call that show entertainment?

“If I am doing any harm, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be contributing to the enemy’s plan. … You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can’t. I’m not OK with what I’m learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show.”

You may have already guessed this, but “the enemy” is Satan. And according to this, his plan is for you to watch sitcom on CBS. He’s clearly scaled his ambitions back a little since the stuff in the bible about enslaving humanity.

Lindsay is still an unprofessional pain in the ass

By brendon September 12, 2012 @ 1:21 PM

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Lindsay Lohan was hired to do a scene making fun of her legal and professional issues in a brief cameo with Charlie Sheen in ‘Scary Movie 5’ (spoiler alert) , and so far, that’s going just like everything else Lindsay has ever been hired for.

“Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work.”
…a call was scheduled to discuss (issues she had with) the script, and Lohan missed that too.

Oh, but not because she’s a cunt who changed her mind about the movie, but because the poor little lamb has one foot in the grave.

(Lindsay) began saying she couldn’t do the film because she had “walking pneumonia,” and went to a hospital Sunday to get her lungs checked.
“She is under contract — so to get out of it, she had to prove that she was sick,” said a source. “She tried to prove she has walking pneumonia.”

First of all, according to WebMD, “you could have walking pneumonia and not even know it … People who have walking pneumonia are seldom confined to bed or need to be hospitalized. Some may even feel well enough go to work and carry on with other regular routines, just as they might with a cold.”

But there’s no way Lindsay would know that because she’s an idiot. She just knows pneumonia is bad and with “walking” in front of it, she’s picturing ‘the Walking Dead’. At the very least she’ll take the x-rays of her lungs and draw “germs” on them (little squiggly circles with X’s for eyes and their tongues sticking out), at most she’ll smear her eyeliner and lipstick, walk slowly up to the producers while moaning like a zombie and bite one of their arms. Either way… awesome.

(source = ny post, image source = lindsays twitter)