Charlie Sheen Probably Not Sober

By Matt October 03, 2014 @ 8:35 AM


Charlie Sheen admits he freaked out at his dentist office and flailed his arms around knocking over a bunch of shit, but says he was totally sober. Accept for an untold molehill of prescription meds he was taking for a supposed shoulder injury, but those drugs don’t count because they are taxed. A dental assistant claims Sheen hit her and pulled a knife on her. Charlie says he was merely spazzing out after being given the nitrous oxide he almost certainly requested, a reaction unheard of in modern medical science. The assistant has since been fired on a technicality because she had mentioned to her son that Sheen was in the office and getting his crackhead teeth replaced with those of baby bottle nosed dolphins. If you own a medical practice it’s probably a better move to throw your assistant under the bus than get into a lengthy and highly publicized lawsuit from a guy with tons of cash and coke rage. We will never know, or care, what really happened here. But in a game of who is more likely a big fat fucking liar, I might be temped to go with the drugged out celebrity banging porn stars than the chick who cleans people’s disgusting mouths nine hours a day just to pay the rent and feed her kid.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Charlie Sheen Has an Inkling

By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:36 AM


Charlie Sheen wants to return to Two And A Half Men as his former character who was killed off after Sheen left the show due to cocaine and later on, even more cocaine. Before being fired, Sheen blasted the show as being contrite and dull, which led the producers to hire Ashton Kutcher as Sheen’s replacement to keep the winning formula. Sheen’s probably too proud to admit it, but he probably misses his ten hours a week of reciting stale jokes for an eight figure payday:

“I just want to do it classy. I want to do it in a way that still services what the show is today, and also honors what it was when I was there. Who knows? I’m sure they are over there right now, pen to paper, trying to figure something out… It’s a pretty smart group over there and I’m sure they will figure something. Something that makes sense to everyone.”

Children of famous actors have it pretty good. When you wake up from your drug induced stupor on your solid teak floor, there’s always work on one of the dozens of pro forma sitcoms clouding the airways to distract viewers from their backwards mortgage. Sheen wants to do this like I want to walk down to the corner store and scratch off a $10,000 winning ticket. The difference is I don’t know which ticket is the winner, while Sheen’s is always in his back pocket next to a 5 gram crack rock.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Charlie Sheen Sold Denise Richards’ Home

By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Charlie Sheen is still a ridiculous cunt

Charlie Sheen’s pursuit of his ex-wife’s unhappiness has jumped from threatening on Twitter to have her child support payments reduced to sending his lawyers in with boxes and a moving truck. According to Radar, Charlie and Brett Rossi want Denise Richards out of their gated community, so he went ahead and sold the house that Denise and his kids had been living in to a friend. Charlie had reportedly been pissed that Denise wouldn’t let him see his daughters at Christmas, and that’s why he vowed to have the $55,000 that he pays her monthly for child support reduced. Another reason to have that amount reduced is because it’s fucking insane. Short of having them home-schooled by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking, there is nothing that Denise-fucking-Richards can do that deserves that much money. Charlie should be able to keep most of it so he can keep researching the super STD that he’ll eventually be patient zero for.

Photo Credit: Getty

Rihanna And Charlie Sheen Aren’t Friends

By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Rihanna takes very mean looking selfies

Charlie Sheen still believes that he’s one of the most important people in the world, so if he walks into a restaurant and sees another celebrity that his fiancée, Brett Rossi, wants to meet, that celebrity better fucking comply, or else he will let them feel his wrath. Rihanna was the latest example last week, because even though Charlie claimed he had no clue who Rihanna was at the time, he “sent a request” to her table for a meeting, because that’s what his latest future ex-wife wanted for her birthday. Rihanna declined and the rest is one ridiculous twitter rant for the ages.

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Charlie Sheen’s Next Wife Is Still Married to Somebody Else

By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 3:04 PM

Brett Rossi And Charlie Sheen Twitter Photo
Porn stars can be the most forgetful people. If it weren’t for their helpful cadre of drug-supplying personal assistants, they’d walk right outside with men still inside of them. You can’t blame Brett Rossi for forgetting that she was still married to some other dude when Charlie Sheen got down on one knee to find his missing eight-ball and also asked the multi-orifice queen to be his fourth wife. It’s an exciting moment in any girls life when a violent older man asks them to switch husbands. But, yeah, turns out Brett is still married to some poor shmuck who also thought marrying a porn star was a killer idea. Charlie’s reps, I can only imagine how wonderful that fucking job is, are quick to point out that Charlie already knew of this other husband and legal documents are in the works to get it all cleared up. This really is just like a fairytale, if fairytales were written by drug and STD saturated trainables.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Brett Rossi To Be The Next Future Ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen

By Michael February 17, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Dragon-blooded warlock Charlie Sheen is now officially engaged to his professionally gang-banged girlfriend, Brett Rossi. The Hot Shots: Part Deux star flew Rossi on a private jet to Hawaii to pop the question. The two have been mutually squeezing Charlie’s penis pump for a while and there were rumors that they had already gotten married a few months ago. But it turned out to be just Sheen being a precocious scamp and pulling a joke on us all. This would be the fourth marriage for Sheen whose previously been hitched to Denise Richards, Brooke Mueller, and Donna Peele. To make herself feel better about her odds, Rossi claims that she would actually be number three because,

“With all due respect to Donna – that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled. Therefore, if “three” truly is a charm; The mashup/acronym of the real CS, (Charlie & Scottie) HAS to be; ‘Char-M-stee…’ xox c&s.”

I don’t speak coked-out crazy porn bitch so that means fuck all to me. But I think she’s implying that she and Charlie were meant to be and that she’s lucky number three, like the number of times Charlie’s heart has stopped cold in the past decade. This is the kind of mental gymnastics even less equipped women do to talk themselves into thinking that marrying a guy like Charlie Sheen is a good idea. Of course, if your life-plan alternative is taking ponytailed dudes in your privates waiting for The AIDS to snatch your formally, being Charlie’s next old lady probably doesn’t seem so bad. When he’s chasing you around the Christmas tree with a kitchen knife asking who stole his shit, just remind yourself, this is so much better than a fist in the ass.

(Photo Via Twitter)