Any sympathy I was going to fake for 37-year-old country singer Mindy McCready, who died yesterday in Heber Springs, Arkansas, after “what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head” went right out the window with this Daily News headline…
Troubled country music star Mindy McCready, 37, kills her dog and then commits suicide
Why would you kill your dog, you awful bitch? Knowing she did that makes me glad she’s dead. She needed help and never got it. Binge drinking every day ruins your life (source: I’m from Earth, where every single person knows this). They shouldn’t even bury her. They should just boil her then bring a box of her fat bones to a shelter.
Considering that Whitney Houston was found dead just house before Clive Davis’ annual Grammy party, in the same hotel where the party was being held, many thought he might cancel things this year. But this is Hollywood so fuck that. Instead they’re calling it a “celebration” of her life, a life where she ignored every warning, got high for 30 years then overdosed and drowned.
“Were going to keep that tradition and celebrate her, celebrate music and mark the occasion of the one-year anniversary of her premature, tragic passing,” he said. “But make sure that people remember her always.”
Someone should dig her body up and put it in one of the guest bathtubs filled with water, and then use her lipstick to write some random name on the wall. Like Andy Richter or someone. Because at least 70 percent of this country are fuckin idiots and they’ll think Whitney Houstons ghost is trying to tell us she was murdered by Andy Richter.
I mean there’s nothing else good goin on lately; might as well do something.
Are pictures of Justin Bieber worth dying for? Yes, but only if he’s the one dying in them. But a paparazzi died yesterday anyway while trying to take a picture of Justin Biebers white Ferrari after it was pulled over on Sepulveda Blvd in LA. If that gave you the impression that Bieber wasn’t actually in the Ferrari at the time, you were correct, but the paparazzi thought he was and got out to take pictures, then was hit by a car as he crossed the street.
So, in a sense, that headline was correct. In another, more accurate sense, it was a complete lie.
Just before 3:00pm ET today, Fox News began covering what seemed to be a routine car chase in Arizona. Police were in pursuit of a carjacker who, after hitting speeds of 110mph on the highway, pulled onto a winding dirt road, got out of the car, ran for a hundred yards or so, then shot himself in the temple.
And despite being on a 5-second delay, and Shepard Smiths obvious trepidation, the suicide was broadcast. Smith immediately issued an apology, and I appreciate the sentiment but it wasn’t necessary. It was a carjacker with his pants belted around his thighs and a Raiders jersey. I would have shot him just for the pants.
Michael Clarke Duncan, the 6’5″, 300 pound giant who went from digging ditches for a natural gas company in his native Chicago to an Academy Award nominated actor, died yesterday at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in LA after complications from a heart attack he suffered on July 13. He was 54, and is surv-Wait that dude was 54? Holy crap. He looked better at 54 than me at 24. Oh I am so fucked.
Tom Hanks, who starred with Duncan in ‘The Green Mile’, said…
“I am terribly saddened at the loss of Big Mike. He was the treasure we all discovered on the set of ‘The Green Mile.’ He was magic. He was a big love of a man and his passing leaves us stunned.”
“I’m devastated at the loss of Michael Clarke Duncan, one of the finest people I’ve ever had the privilege to work with or know. Michael was the gentlest of souls—an exemplar of decency, integrity, and kindness. Our experience making ‘The Green Mile’ together was immersive and incredible, a once-in-a-lifetime journey. What sticks most in my mind was his devotion to his craft and the strides he made as an artist during that time, which was beyond inspiring to those of us who took the journey with him.
“Michael has left us far, far too soon. We lost a great man and a great spirit today.”
I always liked Duncan most in ‘Talladega Nights’, because it wasn’t a role for a huge guy, he was just a guy who happened to be huge. It let him just be an actor and he was great in it. The LA Times says no formal investigation of his death is his planned, though it couldn’t hurt to arrest and convict Lindsay Lohan for it just in case.
Tony Scotts death certificate was released yesterday, though it will take a few more weeks to determine if he had brain cancer when he jumped off a bridge and killed himself. It did say that his wife had him cremated. Hopefully they laid him in the sun first to dry out. Otherwise he would have taken like a week to burn, and you can forget about roasting marshmallows with all that smoke.