After clamor from absolutely nobody anywhere, an all female cast version of Ocean’s Eleven is in the works. This has nothing to do with George Clooney exec producing and lining up some easy millions in his pocket to help fund his wife’s ISIS support picnics. Or upping his feminist credentials, marred only by his fucking the shit out of fifty young women and dumping them when he got tired of their pussies. Or doing a huge solid for his good friend Sandra Bullock who could use a win. It’s about a commitment to cynically remake, reboot, or retool every previous successful movie ever because making new shit is too hard and making old shit again is a surer bet. The Ocean’s Eleven franchise is a re-do itself of the Ocean’s Eleven from 1960 where they intentionally put a black guy in so nobody in 2015 could do the all-black Ocean’s Eleven and call it novel. This is movie making in the manner of going back to fuck your old girlfriend. You still have her number because it’s comfortable and she doesn’t make you work hard. Now imagine your fucking Sandra Bullock. Now, gimme fourteen dollars, dummy, twenty if you want popcorn.
George Clooney is one of those guys who makes sure to announce he doesn’t have the right to lecture you on anything, then spends the next thirty minutes heatedly exercising that right. Today, it’s Hollywood backing down to North Korea. Or the parts of Hollywood who aren’t one of his 597 important buddies. So I think he’s mostly blaming a janitor at Warner Bros.
What we don’t need happening in any of our industries is censorship. The FBI guys said this could have happened to our government. That’s how good these guys were. It’s a serious moment in time that needs to be addressed seriously, as opposed to frivolously. That’s what is most important here.
Clooney’s rage seems mostly aimed at the media for covering his friend Amy Pascal’s racist joke emails and not the fact that North Korean just cyber-attacked a U.S. company which has only been going on daily with Russia, China, Iran, and Muslim state-sponsored terrorist groups for the past ten years now. It is possible nobody in Hollywood noticed because they have great home theater speakers. Clooney could’ve blamed Obama, but he golfs with him, or the major network news outlets, but they all come to his fundraisers, as do the studio chiefs, major agencies, production houses, and everybody else important in media who he couldn’t really blame either. So, again, fuck you janitor at Warner Bros. for not letting us see The Interview on Christmas Day.
Photo Credit AKM-GSI
George Clooney is renting out everything in Venice above the waterline this weekend to marry human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin whom I suspect he will divorce quietly before I have a chance to spell her name correctly without Google. Amal has everything George could want in a woman. She’s young, attractive, has a working vagina, and despises the opulent West while still attending its swank parties and wearing designer clothes. A leftist intellectual doesn’t seem like your classic Clooney low maintenance girlfriend, but if George dons the Keffiyeh and talks about making babies that will grow up in a world without Zionist oppression, Amal will have her Grand Canal open for business more often than not. That’s a Venetian landmark reference. Fuck you, I just learned about Venice five minutes ago
My underaged assistant Whitney made this video of all the better known conquests of George Clooney who will be lamenting the end of his bachelorhood while insisting they are happy for he and his new ISIS bride. Women are only really happy for other women when they’re dead or tragically disfigured. That’s just scientific fact.
Photo credit: Splash News
George Clooney always knows just the right moment to tell everybody why they’re wrong and he’s right. Usually it’s just moments after he and Obama crossed streams peeing together in his vanity bathroom. Maybe some Senator was after Hollywood violence or some CEO made a statement that didn’t acknowledge a woman’s right to abort her kids up until they graduated high school. George would enter like a superhero with a perfect smile and a witty skewer of his small minded opponents. Afterwards, he’d hop into the sack with his vapid model girlfriends and wish they could understand just how smart and righteous he was. It was all kind of empty.
Then George found Amal Alamuddin. Lebanese human rights attorney investigating U.S. drone strikes in the Middle East. Former law clerk for Justice Sonia Sotomayer. Alamuddin defended Julian Assange of Wikileaks. She’s fucking perfect. A smart, hot, Arab commie defense attorney. All the forces of Conservatism, Zionism, and Pro-Western Imperialism are going to line up against her. This is every day is Christmas for George Clooney.
The Daily Mail published some freelancer gossip piece about how Amal’s mom was rabidly against the marriage because she wanted Amal to marry somebody in the Druze religion. Clooney immediately took to the bat copter he stole from his failed Batman movie and issued a manifesto calling out the Daily Mail for making up crap about Amal’s mom being Druze in the first place. Because you know everybody in the world gives a shit about that. The Daily Mail apologized and took down the article. Clooney did not accept the apology, though he thanked them for admitting he was right and they were his bitches. It’s high school and George Clooney is both the captain of the football team and the volatile hot cheerleader on the rag.
After dispatching his latest foe, Clooney was able to retire to the boudoir where his hot liberal activist non-Druze girlfriend showed him the slinky dress she was going to wear to the Hamas Awards Dinner in Gaza. All that for just a $700K engagement ring. Well played, George.
Photo credit: Splash News
George Clooney announced that he wants to run for the Senate. Of the United States. Like, the real fucking Senate. I guess he saw Robert Redford do it in The Candidate and Kevin Spacey become the President in House of Cards and figured he’s as good looking as Redford and definitely fucked more women than Spacey, so why the hell not.
Read more about the future senator Clooney’s plans for world domination. (Defamer)
Izabel Goulart jumping rope in a bikini? Why the fuck not! (Drunken Stepfather)
Peter Dinklage takes a selfie with Grumpy Cat and the fucking Internet explodes. (BroBible)
Hairy man-woman Shailene Woodley wants us to leave Miley alone! (DListed)
I hate it when Robert DeNiro shows up at my house to watch fucking soccer. (Huffington Post)
That Shahs of Sunset daughter has strikingly large yabbos. (HollywoodTuna)
Check out Madonna and her teen tits back before she looked like blond Gollum. (Egotastic)
For once I agree with Ann Coulter, Soccer fucking blows and is unAmerican. (USA Today)
When news broke that George Clooney had proposed to his girlfriend, Amal Alamuddin, the first thought on everyone’s mind was almost certainly, “I wonder what Stacy Keibler thinks about this!” Of course, Stacy is now married to Jared Pobre and the couple is expecting a baby soon, but it’s always very important that we hunt down every last girlfriend of every actor who gets engaged, and just really twist that knife until they end up like Jennifer Aniston, eternally pining for the guy she fucked it all up with. Anyway, E! claims to have spoken to a source close to Stacy, and he, she or it says that she’s very happy for George, but totally focused on the eternal love that she has found with Jared. After all, the only real difference between these two guys is that George would have had Stacy on the red carpet at every Academy Awards ceremony and huge movie premiere for the rest of her life, and Jared can get her into a cool club. There’s no way she gives a shit about George anymore.
Photo Credits: Getty