Get Out Of Hillary Clinton’s Way

By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 9:04 AM


Hillary Clinton had a department store on Fifth Avenue closed down so she could get a $600 haircut, or as she calls it, relating to the middle class. Bergdorf Goodman is apparently not a flamboyant composer of dramatic show tunes, but a high end retail store in New York. It’s unclear how Clinton, who doesn’t have a job, was able to accomplish shutting down the store. This is official business, I’m a cunt. Maybe you could fucking come in before it opens? Just a thought. Every year or so some politician drops a lot of money on a haircut. It just shows they’re really into themselves, and also that people vote on hair. For this reason alone I predict Hillary Clinton will lose the election because she looks like that evil rabbit from Donnie Darko got a dye job. Trump is out too for obvious reasons. Namely, that’s not hair. That should leave Rick Perry as our Commander in Chief. He’s most likely a drunken illiterate but his hair can rebound from a SuperCuts. Looks like we invaded Iran. Aw shucks.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Hillary Clinton Seems Hip

By Lex June 16, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

Somebody in the Hillary Clinton campaign camped assigned with making Hillary seem less like a lesbian shrunken apple head signed the candidate up for Spotify and announced her playlist of Ariana Grande, Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez, and Kelly Clarkson. If you can picture the gelatinous power cube that dwells inside the Hillary Clinton shell shaking tail to Ariana Grande, then you probably already know who you’re voting for in 2016. Spotify playlists will now be added to the list of things political candidate lie about so easily manipulated people will like them. The line of distinction between those who would be President and child diddlers posed as volunteer coaches draws ever nearer. Get in the back of my van and vote for progress. Crank up Firework. You get food stamps if you don’t cry. Hillary for America.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Hookers Endorse Hillary Clinton

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


The women of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada have formed a completely uncertified political advocacy group called Hookers for Hillary, pledging to support Hilary Clinton’s vision quest to become the nation’s first female President. The hookers primary reason for supporting Clinton is her commitment to public healthcare, which is code for a handshake agreement to approve an abortion app. They also want to make sure there is a higher tax on the rich. If they can afford to pay two hundred bucks to a twenty dollar hooker, they can kick in more tax dollars. Luckily when you’re getting your dick sucked by a whore with a tumbler of Jack in your hand you don’t give a shit what she thinks about supply side economics. Hillary will write a nice note, but run into a scheduling conflict they morning of a meet with the hookers. It’s not a good sign when the chick holding the Y is covering her face in case her parents check out The Huff Po from their traveling religious revival. Let me know what the porn star union thinks. They occasionally get out of the house.

Photo Credit: 

Hillary Clinton Fails At Being Human Again

By Matt April 16, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Hillary Clinton went into a Chipotle in Toledo with her down low lesbian lover, ordered a burrito bowl, and didn’t talk to any of the crusty commoners enjoying their late morning  ten thousand calorie grass fed snacks. Not even a token butchered remark about the local sports match. This was considered a weird move since the whole point of Clinton’s going to Chipotle was an insincere stunt drummed up to cast her as a human type being and not an android prototype who subsists solely on ambition and the ashes of her husband’s cigars. Clinton’s visit was so lackluster there was even debate about whether she actually set foot in the Chipotle or if that was Phil Spector in a pant suit. The creepy manager of the Chipotle released security footage like he’d just spotted Nessie in the Loch. Hillary Clinton is an actual person who eats Mexican fast food. Viva Latinos! Use the toilet without putting paper down first and you’re one of us.

Photo Credit: Cnn/Youtube 

Hillary Clinton Is Just Getting By

By Matt June 23, 2014 @ 8:22 AM


Hillary Clinton doesn’t believe she’s out of touch with the common man. Bill and Hill are just a couple of clock watchers trying to pay the rent.

“Because we pay ordinary income tax, unlike a lot of people who are truly well off”

And so goes the charade where wealthy politicians pretend they’re not wealthy and voters pretend that people who pretend not to be wealthy will somehow represent their interests in Washington. If Hillary Clinton announced that she has no fucking clue what a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk costs because her lesbian submissive stocks her mansions, I’d respect her gangster. I know the people I’d like to have a beer with and the guys who struggle to pay the rent and none of those fuckers are qualified to be leaders of the free world. We need cunning, sinister, wealthy people to run this empire because they love to win. They will lie, cheat, and drop bombs on Yemeni goat farmers to get the W. Hillary killed poor Vince Foster? Good. He was weak and a snitch. You don’t think Beijing culls their herd? Fuck yeah they do.

Photo Credit: Getty Images


By brendon December 20, 2007 @ 12:39 PM

If anyone gives a shit what I think about politics they're probably too stupid to read anyway, and in fact they're more than likely wacking the toaster right now wondering why it won't go online, so I'm not gonna go into it, but this picture of Hillary Clinton is getting a lot of play in the press this week as people openly debate if we would vote for someone who looks like she just climbed out of a civil war graveyard.  Would you?  We're pretty vain so who knows.  Isn't there some stat that the tallest candidate has always won the presidential election?  That can't be coincidence.  At some point Bill turned into WC Fields, so maybe these two are just cursed, but he has hands like Shaq so you can guess why he made all the girls tumble.  Show off.

(these are all from bauer-griffin, and under "clinton" they had pictures of angelina and jessica biel too, so dont hate)