Feminists Want a Win Before They Die

By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 6:20 AM

Gloria_Steinem_and_Madeleine_Albright_Scold_Young_Women_Backing_Bernie_Sanders_-_The_New_York_Times

Aging feminists are literally dying to see a woman in the White House. Any woman. Hillary Clinton is the last chance. While Bernie Sanders clearly represents the more 60′s socialist dreamer wing of the party and Clinton represents the old school practical women who made a ton of compromises and concessions in their life for their lesser men, she’s got a vagina. Don’t think about it. Her Presidency is the last shot at symbolic victory.

Gloria Steinem among older scary plastic surgery riddled women have been accusing the factions of millennial women pulling for old man Bernie of being ditzy sell outs who just want to be popular among the hunky boys. That seems super sexist, mostly because it is. Also extremely politically convenient, like feminism itself. Figure out what you want then back into a sexist patriarchal male privilege argument why you’re not getting it.

Madeleine Albright upped the stakes while stumping for Hillary, speaking out to young women:

We can tell our story of how we climbed the ladder, and a lot of you younger women think it’s done. It’s not done. There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other!

Vote for Hillary or Beelzebub gets your soul? Those are high stakes. Also a circular argument if you’re the half of America who believes Clinton actually is the devil.

There are only two reasonably rationale reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton. Ted Cruz has an obvious penis nose or you just think it would be awesome to have a woman in charge because you’re not a student of history and unable to assess how that has meant zilch on the awesome scale in any other nation in the world where it’s occurred. Not even less war, as is popularly imagined. Clinton in particular is highly more likely to engage in overseas military adventures than Bernie Sanders from within the two Democratic primary options.

Gender politics are worse than racial politics because at least racial minorities are actual minorities. They are by sheer lack of numbers the de facto underdogs. For all the feminist errors of statistical omission, there are more women than men in this country. Also more college educated women. Also more women with breasts than men, though Bruce Jenner made it slightly closer. The straight rising line at which women are gaining power over men in this country is sharp, consistent and inevitable. There will be a female President at some point in the near future. Picking the sinister chick who has fucked over tons of women because you want to claim Pyrrhic victory before death seems rather shallow. What would Susan B. Anthony do? I mean, after all the closeted lesbian sex was over.

Lena Dunham Digs for Clinton

By Lex January 26, 2016 @ 8:05 AM

Lena-Dunham-Emmy-Awards

Lena Dunham is Hillary Clinton’s biggest fan. It’s like being endorsed by Satan. Or Satan’s more annoying fat sister who used to diddle Satan’s younger sister when she was in kindergarten then wrote a book about it lauded by wealthy asexual women with scaly skin. Dunham slid down the reinforced pole into her fat cave to rant about Hillary Clinton receiving decidedly rougher treatment from the press than any other candidate. Dunham basically just took what Spike Lee said about the Oscars and replaced the world ‘black’ with’ vagina’.

The way that Hillary Clinton’s been talked about in the media is so gendered and rabidly sexist in every single portrayal. Whether it’s the attacks on her personal life or the adjectives that are used to describe her clothing, we have to do a full reexamination.

Dunham has become completely predictable in her rabidly sexist playbook complaints by now. It’s like her answer on the phone to stuffed crust or regular crust. The answer is always yes.

Dunham wants to make a list of words the media is not allowed to use when describing Hillary Clinton. Censored words lists seem fundamentally un-American but they’re a staple of the Upper West Side. The factress (that’s fat actress, fuck you, I own that now) cites media descriptions of Clinton such as ‘shrill’ and ‘frumpy’ and ‘inaccessible’ as sexist code words. Though she had to admit just given just those three word clues most people would guess ‘Hillary Clinton’ in a game of 21-questions. Right after learning she was mineral.

Politicians are the worst people in the world, followed by humorless spoiled rich girls who adore their own work product. If we could form a non-sexist ice floe to push these two back to the Island of Misfit Toys, that would be ideal. If the orcas eat them along the way, so be it. I wonder who they’d consume first. The chick who looks like an angry tire iron or the one who looks like a cruller?

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Lena Dunham Subs for Hillary

By Lex January 11, 2016 @ 8:01 AM

Lena-Dunham-Subs-for-Hillary

Lena Dunham took over the Hillary Clinton Instagram account for the weekend in a convergence of non-fetching women so intense it almost collapsed the space time continuum. Dunham kicked off the weekend with a few posts about her cute outfits and why wrinkly old vagina is really the best kind. Then she got low blood sugar and spent the rest of Saturday and Sunday locked inside a Lobster Roll food truck throwing twenties out the grease trap at the owner so he wouldn’t call the cops.

The Instagram account went conspicuously silent. The half-hearted effort was enough for Vanity Fair writers to suck up to their frightening boss with a brain dead adoration piece on Dunham’s brilliance. There are 43,000 zip codes in the U.S. Hillary Clinton is beloved in about eleven. Lena Dunham in about seven. Some smart kid should write his senior thesis on how these two came to be President and multi-millionaire, respectively. Then we should cover the thesis in mayonnaise and ask Lena Dunham to lick it if she agrees with its findings. It’s a trap. She won’t care.

Photo credit: Lena Dunham/Instagram

Hillary Clinton Is Extremely Popular

By Lex December 29, 2015 @ 8:12 AM

Hillary-Clinton-Cut-Up

Gallup released its poll of the most liked woman in America and Hillary Clinton won for the 20th time. An odd thing since nobody likes Hillary Clinton. Spin classes packed with middle aged like-minded women at best compare Clinton to their bran diets. A necessary evil that makes them shit semi-regular. I live in Los Angeles which runs about as Democratic as you can get and never once heard a kind word about Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton, quite different. The women and many men lined up in blue dresses to this day hoping to catch his next volley.

The top most like man was President Obama, followed by Donald Trump and Pope Francis. Oprah snuck in there as well on the ladies. Poll respondents don’t seem to know the names of that many people. You probably weren’t allowed to vote for your mom or your second grade teacher or the barista chick with the big tits you hope is behind the counter when you pay four bucks for a fifty cent coffee. So it’s Hillary Clinton or Madame Defarge from Tale of Two Cities? Which one despises powerful men and is obsessed with murderous revenge again? Both? Fuck, I need more time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Thought of Hillary Clinton Peeing Disgusts Conservatives (VIDEO)

By Lex December 22, 2015 @ 12:59 PM

Either you believe Donald Trump is a blowhard who you’d routinely punch in the gunt if he didn’t have security or he’s an incredibly honed in wordsmith who uses the subtleties of language to lure in voters. Trump’s been hitting the public fora recasting in people’s minds the moment in the Saturday evening Democratic Party debate when Hillary Clinton returned late from a toilet break and the ABC broadcast started up without her. Depending on who you believe, Clinton was either waiting for the entire women’s restroom to free up since she needs to pee in private, or she was squeezing out a blimp sized dump soon to become legendary in her underground dyke coffee klatch. Trump referred to Clinton’s bathroom activities as disgusting, a word you typically don’t use to describe a lady using the powder room.

The Washington Post suggests there’s a brilliant scheme behind Trump’s word choice because conservative voters are far more prone to be moved by disgust and disgusting imagery than liberal voters. They cite numerous college studies where groups of people were shown pictures of dirty toilets and Rebel Wilson after a fried chicken binge and other gross images and those on the right reacted far stronger to the sense of disgust. Tying Clinton to the word ‘disgusting’ give you instant cred among the conservatives. In the same speech, Trump also mentioned that Clinton got ‘shlonged’ by Obama in the 2008 election. You don’t need fancy college studies to predict how conservatives react in good measure to a woman being fucked by a black man. It’s the opposite of how Bernie Sanders described it in his ’72 stream of consciousness essay on the subject.

Socialists Are Ultimately Still Stupid

By Lex October 15, 2015 @ 12:37 PM

Clinton-and-Sanders-at-Debate

Bernie Sanders supporters are largely more educated than Clinton supporters, but widely less practical. Despite the fact that Sanders college-aged Internet minions flooded the polling sites post Democratic debate to declare Bernie Sanders the hippy atheist god almighty, every single major media outlet including CNN which ran the debate picked Hillary Clinton as the winner. Now Sanders followers are outraged, bemused, and frazzled. The standard emotional state of socialists.

I’m reluctantly forced to admire young Utopian dreamers. Before you get your first real STD or crappy job to pay the rent or unwanted pregnancy or draft notice or lousy marriage or mortgage or cancer, that is the time to dream of a perfect world. A land where everybody chooses bikes over cars, the homeless are no longer mentally ill alcoholics but misunderstood poets, and the fry guy and the McDonald’s CEO both make 40 bucks and hour, 10 after taxes. But politics isn’t about childish dreams. It’s about mafioso level bodies in the dumpster realities.

CNN is owned by Time Warner Cable. It donates heavily to the Clintons and Bushes for a reason that has nothing to do with the political philosophy you cherish while smoking pot in the quad and discussing Marx. It has to do with access and power and money. Big huge gobs of money in billion dollar chunks. Let’s see, do we support the socialist who wants to break us up into little bits and force us to compete with public access channels on taxpayer funded steroids or do we want the hacks who will keep us tight and flush with monopoly cash?

I had a dream last night that I fucked Kate Upton while Justin Verlander stood in the corner and lamented how I deserved his Cy Young award. Then I woke up and I was fucking my pillow while my cleaning lady stared at me with the vacuum cleaner brush held aloft in a defensive posture. It’s time to grow up. You’re getting Clinton.

Photo credit: CNN