Socialists Are Ultimately Still Stupid

By Lex October 15, 2015 @ 12:37 PM


Bernie Sanders supporters are largely more educated than Clinton supporters, but widely less practical. Despite the fact that Sanders college-aged Internet minions flooded the polling sites post Democratic debate to declare Bernie Sanders the hippy atheist god almighty, every single major media outlet including CNN which ran the debate picked Hillary Clinton as the winner. Now Sanders followers are outraged, bemused, and frazzled. The standard emotional state of socialists.

I’m reluctantly forced to admire young Utopian dreamers. Before you get your first real STD or crappy job to pay the rent or unwanted pregnancy or draft notice or lousy marriage or mortgage or cancer, that is the time to dream of a perfect world. A land where everybody chooses bikes over cars, the homeless are no longer mentally ill alcoholics but misunderstood poets, and the fry guy and the McDonald’s CEO both make 40 bucks and hour, 10 after taxes. But politics isn’t about childish dreams. It’s about mafioso level bodies in the dumpster realities.

CNN is owned by Time Warner Cable. It donates heavily to the Clintons and Bushes for a reason that has nothing to do with the political philosophy you cherish while smoking pot in the quad and discussing Marx. It has to do with access and power and money. Big huge gobs of money in billion dollar chunks. Let’s see, do we support the socialist who wants to break us up into little bits and force us to compete with public access channels on taxpayer funded steroids or do we want the hacks who will keep us tight and flush with monopoly cash?

I had a dream last night that I fucked Kate Upton while Justin Verlander stood in the corner and lamented how I deserved his Cy Young award. Then I woke up and I was fucking my pillow while my cleaning lady stared at me with the vacuum cleaner brush held aloft in a defensive posture. It’s time to grow up. You’re getting Clinton.

Photo credit: CNN

Hillary Clinton’s Special Friend Makes a Ton

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 6:47 AM


Hillary Clinton emails reveal that her close confidant and warm hands travel companion Huma Abedin makes about half a mill a year being Clinton’s special assistant. Abedin often complains it’s not enough. It’s a combination of her government salary along with a shit ton of consulting and Clinton Foundation paychecks. That seems like a lot of dough until you ask yourself what dollar amount it would take for you to go down on Hillary Clinton every time she says the code word ‘minky’. On her days off, Abedin returns to her former Congressman husband Anthony Weiner so he can lie to her about not stroking his cock for schoolgirls in Topeka on Omegle. Now how badly do you want to Freaky Friday with Abedin’s life? I’d ask for a raise. And Xanax. And a latex dental dam. Then I’d kill something.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Get Out Of Hillary Clinton’s Way

By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 9:04 AM


Hillary Clinton had a department store on Fifth Avenue closed down so she could get a $600 haircut, or as she calls it, relating to the middle class. Bergdorf Goodman is apparently not a flamboyant composer of dramatic show tunes, but a high end retail store in New York. It’s unclear how Clinton, who doesn’t have a job, was able to accomplish shutting down the store. This is official business, I’m a cunt. Maybe you could fucking come in before it opens? Just a thought. Every year or so some politician drops a lot of money on a haircut. It just shows they’re really into themselves, and also that people vote on hair. For this reason alone I predict Hillary Clinton will lose the election because she looks like that evil rabbit from Donnie Darko got a dye job. Trump is out too for obvious reasons. Namely, that’s not hair. That should leave Rick Perry as our Commander in Chief. He’s most likely a drunken illiterate but his hair can rebound from a SuperCuts. Looks like we invaded Iran. Aw shucks.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Hillary Clinton Seems Hip

By Lex June 16, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

Somebody in the Hillary Clinton campaign camped assigned with making Hillary seem less like a lesbian shrunken apple head signed the candidate up for Spotify and announced her playlist of Ariana Grande, Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez, and Kelly Clarkson. If you can picture the gelatinous power cube that dwells inside the Hillary Clinton shell shaking tail to Ariana Grande, then you probably already know who you’re voting for in 2016. Spotify playlists will now be added to the list of things political candidate lie about so easily manipulated people will like them. The line of distinction between those who would be President and child diddlers posed as volunteer coaches draws ever nearer. Get in the back of my van and vote for progress. Crank up Firework. You get food stamps if you don’t cry. Hillary for America.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Hookers Endorse Hillary Clinton

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


The women of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada have formed a completely uncertified political advocacy group called Hookers for Hillary, pledging to support Hilary Clinton’s vision quest to become the nation’s first female President. The hookers primary reason for supporting Clinton is her commitment to public healthcare, which is code for a handshake agreement to approve an abortion app. They also want to make sure there is a higher tax on the rich. If they can afford to pay two hundred bucks to a twenty dollar hooker, they can kick in more tax dollars. Luckily when you’re getting your dick sucked by a whore with a tumbler of Jack in your hand you don’t give a shit what she thinks about supply side economics. Hillary will write a nice note, but run into a scheduling conflict they morning of a meet with the hookers. It’s not a good sign when the chick holding the Y is covering her face in case her parents check out The Huff Po from their traveling religious revival. Let me know what the porn star union thinks. They occasionally get out of the house.

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Hillary Clinton Fails At Being Human Again

By Matt April 16, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Hillary Clinton went into a Chipotle in Toledo with her down low lesbian lover, ordered a burrito bowl, and didn’t talk to any of the crusty commoners enjoying their late morning  ten thousand calorie grass fed snacks. Not even a token butchered remark about the local sports match. This was considered a weird move since the whole point of Clinton’s going to Chipotle was an insincere stunt drummed up to cast her as a human type being and not an android prototype who subsists solely on ambition and the ashes of her husband’s cigars. Clinton’s visit was so lackluster there was even debate about whether she actually set foot in the Chipotle or if that was Phil Spector in a pant suit. The creepy manager of the Chipotle released security footage like he’d just spotted Nessie in the Loch. Hillary Clinton is an actual person who eats Mexican fast food. Viva Latinos! Use the toilet without putting paper down first and you’re one of us.

Photo Credit: Cnn/Youtube