John Mayer Will Be Banging His Next Celebrity in T-Minus 30 Minutes

By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 7:28 PM

E! Online, the purveyor of single-ply entertainment news, has reported that Katy Perry and John Mayer are no longer a couple. Just yesterday they announced that Katy Perry looked like she was wearing an engagement ring from the love of her life, so I’m still having to deal with the heartbreak of their particular brand of journalism. A consensus of gossip sites with no real sources peg the breakup as being Katy’s decision, with John Mayer heartbroken for at least the next few minutes he spends not boning other hot Hollywood actresses. Katy Perry really was a blip on his resume of becoming the most prolific Jewish cocksman since God stopped directly ordering Jews to be fruitful. Plus, if he had to kiss Katy Perry now that she she’d swapped spit with Miley Cyrus, it would be like he was kissing Kellan Lutz’s cock. You don’t want to put a ring on that.

Photo credit: Getty

John Mayer Might Not Be The World’s Biggest Douchebag After All

By Travis July 11, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

John Mayer and Katy Perry are reportedly dating again, and that’s cool for both of them, because she likes being with guys who seem like massive tools and he’s a grown man still singing songs about Taylor Swift. Really, it’s a match made in heaven. But the couple was out shopping in New York last week, when they did something that was actually pretty cool.

Katy and John stopped into a guitar shop in SoHo and were immediately recognized my some young female fans, and after one of the girls told John that she wanted a particular guitar but couldn’t afford it, he bought it for her. And soon after, according to her Twitter account, she broke the caps lock key on her keyboard.

Katy Perry Is Single Yet Again

By Travis March 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

For all the shit that people give Taylor Swift about her flavors of the week and corresponding songs, Katy Perry isn’t much better off. We just don’t give her as much hell since she has huge breasts and doesn’t sing mopey pop farts about the guys with tiny peckers that couldn’t please her. That’s not saying her music is much better, mind you. But at least she’s willing to toss a pair of whipped cream cans over her tits and let us pretend she’s a porn star.

Anyway, Katy and her breasts are single again.

It’s all over but the singing – once again – for Katy Perry and John Mayer.

The couple, who had been dating for the past seven months in what was their second chance at love, have again parted ways, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

The split comes less than a month after Perry, 28, was spotted wearing a ruby from Mayer, 35. (People)

Oh my, a ruby ring? That’s so beautiful. The ruby, of course, is a precious gemstone that men have long gifted to their lovers as a way of saying, “Sorry I gave you crabs.” In that case, Russell Brand better have bought her an entire ruby mine.

As for John Mayer, he continues to be living proof that knowing how to play the guitar and looking like you rarely shower will always get you laid, as long as there are girls in L.A. with low self-esteems. And that’s not meant to knock Mayer, because he’s basically a hero.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Katy Perry is grabby

By brendon October 17, 2012 @ 12:17 PM

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Most girls would just take a guys hand to steady themselves, but Katy Perry went right for John Mayers dick last night as she very cautiously stepped off a curb, as if she thought the street might be made of lava.

So maybe she’s a perv, or maybe Mayer just looked very handsome in his little outfit. With that greaser hair they should go to a carnival and sing “You’re The One That I Want” to each other.

(image source = splash)

Katy Perry is still with John Mayer, embarrassed about it

By brendon October 16, 2012 @ 5:32 PM

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Katy Perry and John Mayer were in New York today (his 35th birthday) and, as always, she hid her face and hung her head in shame. He has got to be getting tired of this. If I were dating someone like her, that is to say a skinny millionaire with DD’s, I’d be like, “now you listen here woman, you’ve got just 6 months to knock that off.”

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so apparently these two aren’t broken up after all

By brendon October 15, 2012 @ 1:58 PM

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A little of Katy Perry goes a long way, so maybe that’s why no one can figure out if she and John Mayer are dating. They’ll go out a few times, then reportedly end it, then start right back up. This has been going on since July. They’re supposed to be broken up again now, and yet here they are in New York last night having dinner.

It’s almost like Mayer is just breaking up with her to avoid the week she’s on her period. If so that would make him a real jerk for thinking of that before I did.

(image source = inf)