Amy Schumer Prays to False Gods

By Lex April 22, 2015 @ 9:38 AM

Amy Schumer Falls In Front Of Kim Kardashian

Nobody works harder than Amy Schumer to promote her show. Schumer threw herself mockingly on the ground before Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as they entered the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential Persons Gala to be honored for helping the magazine sell a few more copies before it circles one last time down the historical bowl. Schumer’s stunt wasn’t super funny, but you have to honor the initiative. You could easily be designer shoe stomped by Kanye West in a reflexive fit of rage. Kim Kardashian lied and said she found the whole bit amusing, though it still didn’t sink in that a woman can advance her career interests without taking a dick in her ass. Security reminded everyone that this could’ve been a real attack by a dangerous person with a gun, also reminding us this could’ve turned out so much better.

Photo Credit: Getty/FameFlynet

Kanye West Impromptu Swan

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Kanye-West-in-Swan-Lake

Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool.

Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!

Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.

Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!

Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is  a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

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The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kanye Settles Out Of Court And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 08, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kanye West settled his battery case with pap Daniel Ramos with a hand shake, an apology, and some unknown shit load quantity of money. Everybody in the legal community kind of agreed that as hard as it was to imagine, Kanye was a bigger shit stain than even an airport paparazzi.

Read all about how good Kanye’s lawyers are. (TMZ)

Jessica Davies gets buck naked just for you, you lucky bastard. (Egotastic)

Paris Hilton wears a see-through dress, still has lazy eye. (Huffington Post)

Kendall Jenner Snapchats in a bikini because that bitch does NOTHING all day. (Drunken Stepfather)

Dani Thompson has HUUUUGGGGEEE tits, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Barbara Fialhos sports some lingerie for your viewing pleasure. (Popoholic)

Butts, asses, thumpers, and bottoms. In other words, lots of photos of lady cheeks. (The Chive)

Poet Hot For Kanye

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Poet

Sarah Blake is a poet who has written a book of poetry about Kanye West. It was published by the Wesleyan University Press because publishing books nobody buys allows you to pretend you’re on the cultural vanguard. In fact you’re publishing books about hipster twats who are writing poems about Kanye West. A sample of Blake’s insufferable nonsense:

“The first poem I wrote, ‘Kanye’s Circulatory System,’ was actually still about my grandfather.”

If your grandfather were here, he’d beat you with that crappy book of yours. His generation won wars and fucked without condoms because neither unexpected babies nor their dicks falling off bothered them. Not as much as shit poetry. Blake was once granted a Literature Fellowship from the National Endowment for the Arts, which means your tax dollars are contributing to this horse shit. I reaffirm my belief that most people in grad school are unemployable. You could boycott the book but nobody would notice.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

The Brits Don’t Want Kanye, Except They Do

By Lex March 20, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

Kanye-in-Concert-in-London

Some guy in Britain started a petition to kick Kanye off the headliners list at the Glastonbury Music Festival this summer. The petition gained traction because people in the media loves to hate Kanye while everybody else in the world pretty much loves to give Kanye money. Neil Londsale claimed Kanye simply didn’t represent what the Glastonbury festival is all about and also he doesn’t deserve headlining status.

Kanye West is an insult to music fans all over the world. We spend hundreds of pounds to attend glasto, and by doing so, expect a certain level of entertainment. Kanye has been very outspoken on his views on music….he should listen to his own advice and pass his headline slot on to someone deserving!

This dude later admitted he’s never been to the Glastonbury festival before, which would explain why he’s such a clueless tool who doesn’t understand outdoor music festivals like Glastonbury and Coachella and Bonnaroo. Or that the other Glastonbury headliner is currently Lionel Richie. These expensive outdoor festivals book whoever gets suburban white kids to pay $300 for tickets to see a show. That’s Kanye West. You don’t think overwrought rap music belongs at your precious arts fair? Too fucking bad. It’s what pays the bills. Also, Bono can’t ride a bike and Madonna’s still in vagina traction. Grow up and accept the fact that people like horrible shit. Visit a jazz club or a basement bar where the Beatles started. They’re probably playing Kanye too. This world is horrible. More petitions, stat!

Photo credit: Getty Images