Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
Kanye West is beefing up the security detail for his most closely approximating legitimate child, North. He wants to build a zone of privacy around his daughter from the shutterbugs and voyeurs and Satan to whom he promised his first born in exchange for this whole inexplicable career success. Kanye joins the ranks of celebrities unable to perceive the irony that disturbingly invasive levels of media exposure are what’s putting organic food on his kid’s table.
I thought recently we all had gathered behind Kristen Bell and her carbon neutral cubicle wall and agreed that there would be no more photo taking of the celebrity kids. Much to the chagrin of the 1.8 million American moms for whom celebrity baby leering is their primary form of sexual expression. By assigning a POTUS level security detail to his spawn, Kanye has taken the first step in sealing North’s fate as an out of touch delusional entitled cunt of an infant. Those are tough words, but I’m 8-0 in fist fights with babies.
Babies don’t need security guards, they need love from their parents. That one man who bent that one woman over the hood of his Ferrari and told her to call him Yeezus while he made her sticky. All the nannies in the world won’t replace the love of parents who are generally available by Skype up until the clubs open up.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
Before Jesus told Kanye to go become Kim Kardashian’s third husband, Kanye was spending late nights at the studio with Kylie’s teen singing friend Pia Mia Perez. Kanye insists the bleached blond YouTube star is going to be the next Rihanna. I think that means she’s young and ethnic and her voice takes to computer modulation. Also, she can touch her hair and body a lot and pretend to be filled with emotions, as she does in her first released song, Red Love. It’s about Pia regretting the loss of her virginity. Get it, red love. Yeah, I know. According to Pia, and every single teen pop star before her, she’s here to speak to what’s really going on with teenagers:
I’m not afraid to share my experiences. I never want to be offensive to anybody in doing that, but I’m here to speak for what’s really going on in the world for teenagers, who maybe don’t have a voice to say what they are going through.
Absolutely, in 2014 where in the heck would teens go to have a voice or express themselves. If only somebody would invent a social media technology to let teens share their common experience of being fourteen, dropping out of school, befriending the Kardashians, and penning power ballads about the regrets of being on the busted maidenhead side of statutory rape. Kim was previously concerned with all the time Kanye was spending in the studio with Pia Mia. I’m sure the sacred bonds of matrimony will quell her paranoia. All the same, I’ll only offer up a knowing ‘uh-huh’ the morning they find Pia garroted in a ditch in Calabasas with all her jewelry still on.
Photo Credit: Pia Mia Perez/Instagram
To consummate Kim’s third marriage, Kanye West and his whore bride went on a whirlwind honeymoon across Europe visiting cities where people didn’t know them well enough yet to instinctively throw rocks. Their final stop was Prague where the couple tongued each other on a public bench forever making Hitlers march to the Castle only the second worst living memory for the elderly city residents. There was barely time to fulfill Kim’s honey-do request for anal in the Old Jewish Cemetery before the newlyweds had to jet back to Los Angeles to get back to the business of entertaining America. It’s going to be a sad day when one of these two murders the other in their sleep. But not super sad like when you’re out of beer.
Photo credit: Pacific Coast News
There’s not a person alive, cursed with knowledge of the existence of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who thinks that their wedding last weekend was going to be anything but a display of narcissistic bullshit and a reminder to everyone in attendance that they think they’re the most important people in the world. According to Page Six, though, it was so much worse than we could have imagined, from all of the bathrooms being set up in a 49-foot tall golden box that was dubbed the toilet tower to Jaden Smith running around the room, breaking everyone’s drinking glasses. But the best moment for Kanye was probably when he didn’t like the one-of-a-kind $136,000 music system created just for this wedding, because the speakers were visible and he allegedly said, “You Italians don’t understand my Minimalist style,” before having it removed. And the best moment for Kim reportedly involved her walking into a beam of light and freaking out because it was illuminating her vagina.
Other than that, it was a pretty standard wedding that featured Justin Bieber fans trying to scale the castle walls, Kanye giving a 45-minute toast to himself, John Legend playing a marble piano, and Andrea Bocelli signing and then being told to go home. Just like anyone else, really.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian’s Instagram
That giant sucking sound you’re hearing isn’t the economy, it’s Kim Kardashian thanking Kanye West legally tying himself to Kim over the weekend in front of David Blaine and a horde of rappers, reality star succubi, and Bruce Jenner looking like Aphrodite herself. The couple married at an historical Italian fortress before the giant wall of peonies the couple set up to deter God from striking Kim with lightning as she appeared in virginal white. There was also a brilliant white piano symbolizing the ebony and ivory harmony between Kim and Kanye. Also, that Kanye intends to rail Kim in her fat-injected dumper 88 times before he goes on tour and gets back to his regular whores. Do you Kanye Omari West, take this cobbled together offal parts money sucking skank to be your primary bitch for the next twelve to eighteen months until the sweeps week E! Breakup special? I duz. Cue Kris Jenner’s cackle so evil that Satan himself got embarrassed.
Here’s the official wedding guest list used at the event. You can blow it up and see who won the golden ticket. The highlighted names represent those who Kim has let finger her for cash. They were seated at similar tables so they’d have an easy conversation starter.
Photo credit: FameFlynet (above), Pacific Coast News (below)