It’s important to realize Pete Carroll would be lying in a shallow grave right now if the U.S. were any of the seventeen assorted South American dictatorships. After staying inside for four days and wondering why he just ordered the salmon pizza for delivery, why he put his hand on his buddy’s wife’s knee that one time, and why the fuck he called a passing play down the middle on the two inch line, he decided to show his face and talk to Matt Lauer. He was mostly apologetic:
“It’s been a whirlwind… I feel responsible for a lot of people right now… Within the instant of the turnover, the gravity of what just happened, I understood.”
Then Lauer asked him the rhetorical question of whether that was the worst play call in the history of the world. After thinking about his yellow PT Cruiser, his Sega stockholdings, and the metal detector he bought for the beach, Carroll ultimately bucked responsibility:
“It was the worst result of a call ever. The call would have been a great one if we’d caught it. It would have been just fine and nobody would have thought twice about it.”
The same way having thirty beers and driving home is a great idea if you aren’t arrested or don’t kill anyone. You wake up the next day saucer eyed wondering what you’ve done. Then you promise yourself not to do it again. That’s the lesson dickhead. Let Beast Mode drive you.
As part of his new Today extension, NBC has agreed to pay for Matt Lauer to helicopter back and forth to his house in the Hamptons. It’s unclear how often this is happening, but many feel it’s like hitting a meth pipe. Even once is too many. Lauer downplays his chic lifestyle, claiming the Hamptons are not the bourgeois scene many think. Rather, just an idyllic old school Norman Rockewell scenario that cost $10,000 bucks to commute to in a chartered HeliFlite fitted with anti missile gear:
“I think the image that people have is that it’s all polo fields and cocktail parties. And the fact of the matter — my experience and Annette’s experience . . . is about parent-teacher conferences and Little League and music lessons. . . We go to the local drugstore, and we walk the dog on the beach . . . and take pony-riding lessons . . . very much small-town America.”
Lauer paints a fine picture of the regular working stiff cruising over the masses in a chopper to his lair for some pony riding lessons. NBC must be crazy desperate if they are willing to accept insane Guns and Roses rider demands from a bald dude who fake laughs at stories about soap actresses kids. I could name a hand full of struggling actors at my local bar who would do a comparable job and be psyched they got a split on their Uber-X charge. Even though absolutely nobody will ever put their finger on it, there’s just something about Matt Lauer.
Carmen Electra is known for being the hot lifeguard replacement to Pam Anderson on Baywatch and for having sex with Dave Navarro, Dennis Rodman, and Tommy Lee. She chose wisely to dress up as the former for Halloween this year. The Today Show will not put you on camera if your costume consists of being drunk with a ripped dress and rocker jizz on your cheek. I have no comment on Matt Lauer. I’m pretending I didn’t see that.
Paula Deen appeared on The Today Show this morning to talk about the fallout of her reported use of the N-word, and how it has affected her personally. She told Matt Lauer that she has been exhausted since everyone found out that she admitted to using racial slurs, according to the deposition she gave for the lawsuit a former employee filed against her on the grounds of racism.
Paula told Matt that she believes that “every one of God’s creatures was created equal” even though she previously displayed that she thinks some are just better servants than others. She was also quick to include a reference to gay people and other religions, just so she has her old, white bases covered.
Apparently, the man had no real gripes or complaints or history of mental illness. He just could not fucking stand banal chatter between heavily made-up NBC anchors on the portico of Rockefeller Center. Just kidding. He was pissed at the IRS and the government for ruining his life. Just like the rest of the loons who are somewhat partially right. Cops wrestled him to the ground before he could become a ghost and haunt the shit out of Matt Lauer.
Rosie O’Donnell finally found a way to make her opinions seem well thought out and reasonable; by going on the Today show with the peerlessly stupid Star Jones and Donny Deutsch and discussing Lindsay Lohan.
When Matt Lauer asked about Lindsay (finally) being cast to play Elizabeth Taylor, O’Donnell said:
“I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of help. She needs a lot of time away.”
“I don’t think she’s right for the role, and I don’t think she’s capable at this point of doing what’s needed to portray that character,’’ she said. “I think the interest level in her has waned significantly.’’
Deutsch then declared that Lohan has the potential to be the Elizabeth Taylor of this generation, on and off-screen.
“You’re out of your mind,’’ Rosie replied.
Elizabeth Taylor became famous because she was a fantastic actress and beautiful beyond measure. Lindsay Lohan became famous because she had big tits when she was 16. Even during her prime she was constantly high, and since then she’s only noteworthy for getting arrested. She actually has way more in common with Lawrence Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor.