It seems unlikely that anyone asked without stifling a smile, but according to today’s Sun, Nick Lachey has thought about the offer that doesn’t exist and ruled out a reunion with Jessica Simpson. He confronted the rumor no one is spreading and spoke into his hair brush in front of the mirror:
“I think it’s fun storytelling, but there’s very little truth to any of it. I certainly have heard about her break-up and I wish her the best, as I’ve always done. Aside from that, there really is nothing to say … I haven’t talked to her in probably two years. I wish her happiness. That’s where it pretty much ends.”
Oh what the fuck ever dude. 2001 was a long time ago. This jackass would be lucky to date Chris Crocker at this point. Nicks agent probably has to fight it out to get him jobs over the Chocolate Rain guy and that chicken who plays tic-tac-toe.
Keep in mind how hot Jess was when they were together. This is like a raccoon saying he likes the dumpster he’s in now, and he has no plans for going back to the sushi place where they just leave stuff on ice out back.
(22 more pics here. hq jump here)
Nick Lachey and his girlfriend Vanessa Minillo are at the El San Juan Hotel & Casino in Puerto Rico this week for an early birthday celebration. Oddly enough, their birthdays are the same. On November 9th, Nick turns 34 and Vanessa turns 27. Nick says:
In terms of his birthday wish-list, Nick's desires are pretty down-to-earth, saying he hopes his brother Drew will get him a leaf blower while Vanessa is on her own to figure out what the singer wants. As for what the singer will suprise his girlfriend of a year and a half with, Nick will only say, “I already have it and actually asked if she wanted it tonight, but she said ‘No, I want to wait.’”
“I like to think I’m a gentleman about it and try to think of her,” Nick tells OK! about his feelings on sharing his special day. “It's her day as much as mine.”
He better kiss her ass. Remember when Jessica Simpson said he had a small penis ("Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though"). I can't help but wonder if he's the only guy Jess ever slept with. If so, fantastic. Her vagina is gonna be like new. Not a scratch on it. I may have to go easy at first, which won't be easy because - I'm not gonna lie to you - my penis is amazing. One time it even brought a girl back to life. Oh, wait … okay, actually I think she may have just been asleep. Never mind.
If you're like me, you use your karate to fight for those who can't fight for themselves, but more to the point, you had a discussion before going out this weekend and tried to guess what would be the number one poser Halloween costume. If you had that conversation, your conclusion was almost definitely the "dick in the box" outfit. Oh, hey, look it's Nick Lachey. And what is that he's wearing? The only way this costume could be any more tragically uncreative is if he went as Nick Lachey.
It was widely reported that OK! magazine paid almost half-a-million dollars last month to make sure the Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo sex pictures never saw they light of day. And those still haven't shown up, but unedited naked pictures of Vanessa from the same day finally have. At least I think that's her. These may be fake. If they are, blame handsome reader Greg because he emailed them to me. If these are real she needs a razor immediately. It looks like she's giving birth to a bear cub.
OK! magazine has paid almost half-a-million dollars to buy the uncensored pictures of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo having sex in a hot tub in Mexico, but don't expect to see them any time soon. The celebrity friendly magazine bought them to keep them off the market and to make sure no one else could publish them. The Daily News says:
OK! shelled out $400,000 for sex photographs and accompanying video of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.
"There's much worse stuff than what got out there on the Internet," says a snitch. "If Nick's fans saw it all, it would definitely change his career, because he kind of has a squeaky-clean image."
But don't expect to see any steamy pics in the mag's pages.
In accordance with their celebrity-friendly policy and recent Lachey-Minnillo cover story, OK! shelled out the money to take the material off the market, says a source.
Nick should just release them because he's fuckin boring. This could only help. It's his girlfriend, and she's hot, so what's the big deal. His fans won't be mad because his fans are too busy knitting scarves for their cats or buying ice cream or crawling around on their retarded mutant flippers, or whatever it is shut-ins and weirdos do.
UPDATE - one reason Nick doesn't want these released might be because this time last year, Jessica Simpson was quoted as saying, "Nick didn't pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it." She also said, "Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though."
Nick Lachey has found a foolproof way to deal with the embarrassing questions about the sexy pictures taken with GF Vanessa Minnillo while on vacation in Mexico. His plan? Stare blankly and then have the cameras shut off. It's dumb but effective, and still slightly more subtle than his first idea, which was to throw a baby at the reporter and then run away while they scramble to catch it.
