By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:32 AM
Update: Just to be clear, between attorneys for black Jesus, my own counsel the ghost of Justice Brandeis, and one very pissed-off toddler, I’d like to clearly state that nothing in this post should imply, indicate, or infer that I honestly believe a young child should have breast augmentation surgery or engage in any types of illicit carnal transactions. There’s time for everything in life. For this beautiful child, it’s a time of great innocence and wonder. I wish her nothing but the best on her journey to that place I’m pretty sure we all know she’s headed, though couldn’t possibly state with any legal certainty.
If this little Kardashian thinks having her ears pierced and clubbing at midnight cuts the family standards, she’s in for a rude awakening. You can’t have one cheap mannequin flashing her oversized cans in the City of Light while her arm accessory looks ready to cry and isn’t filling out her whore suit. If you’re walking, you’re earning. That’s the Kardashian motto. Along with something in Latin that translates roughly to cock in trachea, ten denarius not including tip.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Matt June 06, 2014 @ 9:41 AM
Kanye West is beefing up the security detail for his most closely approximating legitimate child, North. He wants to build a zone of privacy around his daughter from the shutterbugs and voyeurs and Satan to whom he promised his first born in exchange for this whole inexplicable career success. Kanye joins the ranks of celebrities unable to perceive the irony that disturbingly invasive levels of media exposure are what’s putting organic food on his kid’s table.
I thought recently we all had gathered behind Kristen Bell and her carbon neutral cubicle wall and agreed that there would be no more photo taking of the celebrity kids. Much to the chagrin of the 1.8 million American moms for whom celebrity baby leering is their primary form of sexual expression. By assigning a POTUS level security detail to his spawn, Kanye has taken the first step in sealing North’s fate as an out of touch delusional entitled cunt of an infant. Those are tough words, but I’m 8-0 in fist fights with babies.
Babies don’t need security guards, they need love from their parents. That one man who bent that one woman over the hood of his Ferrari and told her to call him Yeezus while he made her sticky. All the nannies in the world won’t replace the love of parents who are generally available by Skype up until the clubs open up.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Jack March 26, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye’s chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. I have a new found respect for baby North. I’ve always thought that she was probably going to grow up to be a monster since she is being raised by the two biggest narcissistic assholes on the planet. But maybe she’ll be okay if she already innately understands her dad is s shit can.
(Photo Via Vogue)
By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM
Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,
“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”
Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,
“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”
Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..
By Lex January 01, 2014 @ 12:28 PM
Kardashian hustler training begins early for the girls. The feel of precious stones in the palm of the hand during the infant years, the ability to determine the true pre-tax income of a suitor from just the taste of his bodily fluids, and, naturally, vomiting to keep trim. By the time she’s not allowed to go to kindergarten, North will be able to tell the cut, clarity, carart, and color of this stone with just a simple sniff. Convincing a drunk Kanye that her vagina was actually her ass was just step one for Kim Kardashian’s diabolical progeny plan. Now the real training begins. The whore grows strong in this one.
Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram
By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 2:13 PM
Somebody from the PR team told Kim and Kanye that before this bastard baby gets old enough to drop out of middle school, they need to get some photos taken pretending to be normal parents. As in, get on your $150 t-shirts and walk that baby around in a hermetically sealed bassinet. The move itself shocked the encircling team of nannies, handlers, and bodyguards who nervously shuffled around like Secret Service agents when the President decided to get out of his limo to go shake hands with the common folk. The entire parenting episode lasted about two minutes, or 10,000 pictures, at which point Kim and Kanye both shuddered and said ‘eww’ and deposited the baby back into the vault that can only be unlocked by cash offers of greater than $250,000.
Photo Credit: INFphoto, PCN, FameFlynet