By Jack June 16, 2015 @ 11:00 AM
Human bowel polyps Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated the birth of North West by taking over regions of Disneyland and making every other child in the Magical Kingdom suffer the wrath of their selfie and show hogging narcissism. I’m glad Walt is dead. I mean, just in general.
Watch the dreams of children die for this spoiled brat’s amusement. (Huffington Post)
Daniela Lopez Osorio is all greasy and bikinied. (Egotastic)
Xzibit pleads guilty to being to drunk to fuck…or drive on his wedding night. (TMZ)
Giselle Bundchen uses her ass to sell shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Sarah Mutch and these are her tits. (Hollywood Tuna)
Gigi Hadid likes to pump her own gas in a see-through shirt. (Popoholic)
Ah, hot girls tugging their clothes down. What a glorious day. (The Chive)
By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 12:28 PM
Even as smallpox are still being scraped off the flocking of the Matterhorn, the Kardashians have decided to rent out Disneyland for North’s upcoming second birthday. You may recall North as the bastard child of Kim Kardashian by way of Yeezus seed and the dark arts. No fault to the child. Though some diligent member of Opus Dei will have to dispose of her mortal coils before the presence of six spring lambs. That’s technically not a crime in China. The Kardashians have previously rented out AT&T Park in San Francisco for Kanye and Kim’s engagement party. Also so everybody could watch them fuck on the Jumbotron. And previously they took over the Magic Mountain amusement park in California for Kendall’s eighteenth birthday.
Disneyland rakes something like five to ten million a day in revenues. Not likely they’re taking over the entire park, but they could bribe Walt’s freeze dried corpse with a million bucks to close a couple hours early to let the whorelets run amok and discuss Vagina Dad’s sex change in front of the Hall of Presidents. It’s all fun and games until Khloe stares catatonic at Monstro for three hours then shits her pants. Time to go. Disney does not believe in unhappy endings.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt February 16, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Kris Jenner posted a photo of her crying grandchild North West understandably having a tantrum while waiting for her super straight dad’s suede booty fashion show to start. That’s fine. Tagging Beyonce and a host of other celebrities in the post could be pushing it. I feel we should allow children the decision to become useless assholes instead of having the decision thrust upon them. Like with Mormons or those guys who build fireplaces. It’s a low percentage but a few do opt out. Kendall Jenner pondered her fate and promptly dropped out of high school. She was at least sprouting pubes and the instantly gratifying decision was hers alone. This is a fucking baby. The New York Post ran with Kris Jenner’s objectification and plastered it on their front page because their editors are just as dead inside but more poor. When all is said and done you’re just helping the terrorists. I’m not a conspiracy nut but they grow poppies. Connect the dots.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack November 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Kim Kardashian said she will be proud when North West inevitably also poses nude. She also said she has a bunch of other hopes for her daughter, but who honestly pays attention once a mom says she can’t wait for her toddler to get naked for the cameras.
Read all about Kim’s wonderful parenting. (The Superficial)
Iggy Azalea is not impressed by Eminem’s rape threats. (TMZ)
Hey, wanna see Christina Milian’s nipple? (Drunken Stepfather)
Alena Blohm is ja gooden frau in lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)
Jehane Gigi Paris does it again in these smoking hot bikini pics. (Popoholic)
Giada De Laurentiis doesn’t swallow. (Dlisted)
Old busted ass Mickey Rourke is going back to boxing. (MoviePilot)
By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:32 AM
Update: Just to be clear, between attorneys for black Jesus, my own counsel the ghost of Justice Brandeis, and one very pissed-off toddler, I’d like to clearly state that nothing in this post should imply, indicate, or infer that I honestly believe a young child should have breast augmentation surgery or engage in any types of illicit carnal transactions. There’s time for everything in life. For this beautiful child, it’s a time of great innocence and wonder. I wish her nothing but the best on her journey to that place I’m pretty sure we all know she’s headed, though couldn’t possibly state with any legal certainty.
If this little Kardashian thinks having her ears pierced and clubbing at midnight cuts the family standards, she’s in for a rude awakening. You can’t have one cheap mannequin flashing her oversized cans in the City of Light while her arm accessory looks ready to cry and isn’t filling out her whore suit. If you’re walking, you’re earning. That’s the Kardashian motto. Along with something in Latin that translates roughly to cock in trachea, ten denarius not including tip.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Matt June 06, 2014 @ 9:41 AM
Kanye West is beefing up the security detail for his most closely approximating legitimate child, North. He wants to build a zone of privacy around his daughter from the shutterbugs and voyeurs and Satan to whom he promised his first born in exchange for this whole inexplicable career success. Kanye joins the ranks of celebrities unable to perceive the irony that disturbingly invasive levels of media exposure are what’s putting organic food on his kid’s table.
I thought recently we all had gathered behind Kristen Bell and her carbon neutral cubicle wall and agreed that there would be no more photo taking of the celebrity kids. Much to the chagrin of the 1.8 million American moms for whom celebrity baby leering is their primary form of sexual expression. By assigning a POTUS level security detail to his spawn, Kanye has taken the first step in sealing North’s fate as an out of touch delusional entitled cunt of an infant. Those are tough words, but I’m 8-0 in fist fights with babies.
Babies don’t need security guards, they need love from their parents. That one man who bent that one woman over the hood of his Ferrari and told her to call him Yeezus while he made her sticky. All the nannies in the world won’t replace the love of parents who are generally available by Skype up until the clubs open up.
Photo credit: FameFlynet