By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:03 AM
You’ve got to be pretty stoked when your boring husband befriends a wealthy celebrity who shows a strong interest in plowing you. In a Lifetime movie, this would end up in some kind of deadly love triangle. In real life, Simon Cowell bangs a baby in you and you tell your husband you’re leaving for the world of luxury hotels and spas and yachts. It’s like hitting the Scratchers jackpot. You put your existing kid in the care of Jewish nuns in Gstaad and off you go for a whirlwind eighteen month run until you come back to the London brownstone to see a note on the door telling you your stuff is in storage and thank you for vagina service and if you shut the fuck up there’s a decent check coming your way. It could be worse. Most women never get the check.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
By Matt July 24, 2014 @ 7:28 AM
A music manager in British X-Factor Judge Tulisa Contostavlos’ drug trial was heard on an audiotape played in court saying that Simon Cowell was gay. It had nothing at all to do with the drug trial, but the judge allowed it to be heard so the media could freak the fuck out. The music manager quickly came out and admitted he was lying on the audiotape to impress his cohort, but that has not stopped people from speculating on Cowell’s sexuality since it’s very difficult to distinguish if British men are gay or merely British. In America straight guys spill barbecue sauce on their football jerseys and bitch about not getting blown. In England, straight guys dress snappy and talk about art and culture and then blow each other.
Since Cowell’s main project over the past twelve months was fucking around with his married friend’s wife then knocking her up and taking her away from him, he’s either gloriously heterosexual or the cruelest gay dude ever. I know, I can’t make up my mind yet either.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Travis March 03, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
There’s no other reason for a really wealthy man to walk around on Miami Beach with no shirt on and two stupid little dogs on leashes than to try to get laid. Simon Cowell may love telling people how much he enjoys being a father for the first time, but he’s clearly missing the days that he could bring random women on to his yacht to stroke his chest hair while he fed them the meat of endangered baby animals. Otherwise he would have paid an old Cuban person a crisp one dollar bill to take these little rat dogs out for a dump, while he continued to convince Lauren Silverman that they should break up another guy’s marriage just so they can have a threesome in front of him while he cries.
Photo Credits: KEYPIXX/WENN.com
By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 6:40 PM
Simon Cowell has already achieved so much, signing a whole bunch of British pop acts I’ve never heard of, berating emotionally troubled singers with dying family members on his talent shows, but it all pales in comparison to his latest feat, making a baby with his buddy’s wife.
“I never knew how much love and pride I would feel“
Well, yeah, not just any 54-year old man has the tenacity to bang a bastard into somebody else’s wife with such reproductive ferocity. If you’re going to be proud of anything, be proud of that. Unfortunately, Lauren Silverman’s other son couldn’t be present in the circle of pride because of the restraining order which prevents Simon from being in his presence. He’ll be fine I’m sure. Maybe Woody Allen will take him to the attic so he can have something to talk about in his 20′s.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Travis January 06, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because everyone with a ton of money is currently on vacation in St. Bart’s, Simon Cowell is also there with his pregnant girlfriend Lauren Silverman on his Slipstream yacht. Maybe it’s because their relationship started with a terrible affair that destroyed not only a marriage but also a friendship, but I’m surprised that Simon and Lauren are still together and haven’t jumped to the inevitable settlement part of their breakup just to save everyone some time. Then again, maybe all it took for a wealthy playboy like Simon to settle down was the idea of a family, and he and Lauren will spend the rest of their lives together in marital bliss. You know, as long as she makes it back on the Slipstream’s return voyage.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 2:00 PM
There’s nothing more romantic than a Christmas beach stroll with your buddy’s wife who you knocked up over the summer. I’m sure her seven year old son understands that this Christmas mommy is away because the rich dude from the X-Factor made a baby inside of her and can’t be near him as part of the divorce settlement agreement. Not to get all Holden Caulfield, but it’s pretty amazing how we fuck over kids just to get laid. Like banging Carmen Electra on the side of your last hot girlfriend wasn’t enough for you in your 50′s? Fuck, get laid. Screw a thousand hot women. I would if I could. Just stop railing other people’s wives and moms. Yeah, it’s her fault too. But she probably believes in romance and fairytales, if not your offshore holdings. Your’e a man. Act like one. Draw a line in the sand somewhere, even if you have to draw it with your dick. I hope Neptune sends a shark to eat the both of them.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI