By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:00 PM
Kate Upton has a lot of rules. The last one was about how you’re not supposed to openly jizz thinking about her big yabbos, just adore them discreetly and pay with direct deposit or something. Girls who look like Kate Upton get to make all the rules. That seems fair enough. We can elect a bunch of self-serving blustery hacks to political office, but it’s the girls who have big tits who will always run things. I know you want to believe the human social structure is more complex than the dung beetle’s, but it’s not. We’re all just trying to amass the biggest pile of shit so we can get Kate pregnant, maybe fire one off between her big knockers on the back end to show we’re better than beetles.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Leslie Mann grabbed Cameron Diaz’ butt on the red carpet for The Other Woman as both ladies pretended to be fun and flirty and that anyone with a camera gave a shit about them after Kate Upton’s boobs arrived. The three female co-stars of the film I’d just assume have an angry little person piss in my Lasik surgery still open cornea than go see all pretended to be bosom buddies, but we all know that’s not the case. Three women can’t be friends. It’s an unnatural triangle where each will become the talked about vertex of lesser worth. Men can be friends with other men of various irrefutable personal standards. A man can watch a ball game with another man who he’s pretty sure is fucking his dog. But Kate Upton thinks Cameron Diaz looks like a dude, Cameron thinks Kate doesn’t deserve attention as any kind of actress, and both Cameron and Kate want to vomit when Leslie Mann talks about how Judd Apatow’s neatly groomed beard tickles her when she orders him to go down on her in his gimp suit. If they weren’t shilling a movie and spinning tales of crazy girl friendships on the set, they’d be poisoning each others kale salads and hiding all the tampons. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
Photo Credit: Splash, Getty
By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:04 PM
The Other Woman is a movie that I’m dying not to go see. The movie revolves around a woman who finds out that her husband has a mistress and the mistress finds out he has a husband, and instead of them both dumping his ass like a healthy woman would, they seek revenge. They can put Kate Upton out front in a bikini all they want, you can’t fool me. This is a movie that’s going to make my dick want to apologize to past girlfriends for forgetting about their birthdays and their deadly peanut allergies. I don’t need to pay to go to the movies to be lectured, I can just ask the girl I was going to take to the movies to lecture me for free about why I never take her anywhere. Relationships are easy once you’ve given up.
By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Here’s the trailer for The Other Woman, which stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann as two women who realize that other guys will always ignore them for Kate Upton. There might be more plot details, but I was distracted by the very manipulative use of slow motion while Kate is jogging on the beach. It’s the kind of scene that could stop some evil terrorists from blowing up the entire world, because just as they’re about to push the button on their arsenal of nukes, Kate would jog by in slow motion, and they’d realize that America had it right this whole time. Thanks for saving the world, Kate Upton’s breasts.
By Travis June 25, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Cameron Diaz and Kate Upton were filming another scene together for their new movie The Other Woman yesterday in Chinatown, and Cameron apparently didn’t take too kindly to people snapping photos. Kate, on the other hand, was polite, respectful and, most importantly, very attractive, so she should be commended for exhibiting better behavior than her much older counterpart.
And while it’s still a really bad decision on Cameron’s part to keep standing near a beautiful supermodel, Kate should at least take advantage of their time together by learning about important things like not aging and staying far away from women who make her look like a California Raisin.
(Photo Credits: WENN.com)
By Travis June 13, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
People always complain when George Lucas goes back, re-masters and fucks with his classic Star Wars films or makes new Indiana Jones movies that are crammed with stupid crap like aliens, but maybe if he went back and added Kate Upton and her giant breasts to each movie, people wouldn’t care as much. Maybe instead of arguing over whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first, people could say, “Hey check out Kate Upton’s tits.”
But until that technology is perfected, we’ll have to settle for Kate running around on the beach for her role in the new movie The Other Woman. Kate was filming another scene for the film in the Hamptons yesterday, and it included her kissing Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who will be presented with the “Best Hiding of a Boner” at next year’s Spike Guy’s Choice Awards.
(Photo Credit: Jackson Lee/Splash News)