I hope that headline didn’t imply that I know all the latest developments in the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Oh my God this stupid thing is so confusing, and there’s like a billion stories on it every day!
CRUISE WILL FILE RIVAL DIVORCE PAPERS – probably in California, and may ask for full custody of Suri. Did you know you’re not allowed to bluff when asking for full custody, and you actually have to keep the kid? Holy shit did I learn that the hard way. (bbc)
HOLMES WILL BE IN FAMILY COURT – on July 17 in New York City at an order to show cause hearing. Which has something to do with custody and child support. Like all legal talk, the explanation just looks like they typed random words in no particular order. (e!)
THE NIECE OF DAVID MISCAVIGE – who is the leader of Scientology and the guy who set Cruise up with Holmes, says Katie is right to be scared of what Scientology will do to Suri. “My experience in growing up in Scientology is that it is both mentally and at times physically abusive.” Also there’s very little Science going on, despite what the name may lead you to believe. (nydn)
THE DIVORCE IS NOT ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY – according to someone close to Cruise. And it must be true because why would he lie? (tmz)
KATIE TOOK SURI TO THE CHILDRENS MUSEUM OF THE ARTS – in New York today, and she was crying a little. Is that because of the divorce? Is it because I was just off camera in a werewolf mask, pointing at her and then stabbing at the air with a knife? Both? (image source = splash)
Everyone agrees that Tom Cruise is a member of a scary cult that takes advantage of people, and that’s very bad, but his new movie is directed by Christopher McQuarrie who wrote ‘the Usual Suspects’ and wrote and directed ‘The Way of the Gun’, which is THE SINGLE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. So if Tom Cruise is what it takes to get a new Christopher McQuarrie movie than he could be in the fucking Manson Family for all I care. Go ahead, brainwash his kid, I don’t even like kids, I would probably brainwash them too so who am I to judge.
Rather than hide and let things build up into some weird frenzy, Katie Holmes moved on with her life today, taping a guest judge appearance on ‘Project Runway: All Stars’ at the Parsons School for Design in New York. It’s her first public appearance since her divorce to Tom Cruise was announced on Friday.
Which is good because there’s no word on when her next public appearance might be. It really all depends on how soon Scientology can kidnap her. They’ll fly her to their fortress inside a volcano on a secret island, but once they break her will again she’ll do plenty of interviews. No question will be off limits, but every answer will be, “I… love … Tom… Cruise Tom Cruise is great.”
It would be easy to paint Scientology as some scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise, and that’s because Scientology is a scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise.
So here’s a timeline explaining how we got here, and it’s kinda long but don’t skip to the end without paying me or else you’ll die of pneumonia (I’m just like Scientology).
Celebrity news stories are often described as “shocking”, and they almost never are, but this one might be because after five seemingly happy years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting a divorce.
“This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family,” says Holmes’s attorney. “Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”
(Cruise), 49, wed Holmes, 33, in an Italian castle in November 2006. They have a daughter Suri, 6.
This was Holmes’s first marriage and the third for Cruise, who previously was married to Nicole Kidman, with whom he has two children, and Mimi Rogers.
Cruise was famously accused of being pressured by Scientology to divorce Kidman right before their 10 year anniversary, which started a very public fight about when they actually separated. Under California law, after 10 years of marriage, Cruise would have lost more in the settlement and had to pay alimony until Kidman remarried.
So maybe Scientology is behind this divorce too. Maybe they don’t need Katie anymore. Maybe Suri is already strong enough in her training to take on Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy, and the time to strike back is now!
SURPRISING UPDATE – TMZ now adds that it was Holmes who filed for divorce, she wants sole custody of Suri, and Cruise was completely “blindsided” by all of this. This is why there are no good Scientologist quarterbacks. These dim fuckers have no pocket awareness.
This very famous actress arrived at the airport in Nice today on her way to the Cannes Film Festival, but who is it? Is it the ghost of Shelly Long? Does Taylor Swift have progeria? I’ll give you a hint: it’s Nicole Kidman.
Did that help? Have you figured out who this is? I’ve been staring at it for 5 minutes and I’m still not certain that I have.