Wesley Snips is so screwed - Wesley Snipes will spend the next three years in jail after a Florida judge gave him the maximum sentence possible for evading federal income taxes from 1999 to 2001. This was even after the judge referred to the case as a misdemeanor, saying, "In my mind these are serious crimes, albeit misdemeanors." Snipes fucked up. He should have done this stuff in California. Cops there don’t do shit. A movie star could dump anthrax into the water supply and, at worst, the courts would make him eat a really spicy pepper or something.
Tom Cruise is going back on Oprah - For the first time since his now very famous couch-jumping-up-and-down incident. Tom Cruise will appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. People magazine says…
The show, which will appear in two parts during May sweeps, will celebrate Cruise’s career since his breakout role 25 years ago in Risky Business. One part will be shot in-studio before a live audience. In the other, Cruise will show Winfrey around his Telluride mountain retreat and do a portion of the interview at the home.
To learn more about Toms long career, check out this months copy of Crazy Ass Lunatic magazine.
Jimmy Fallon to replace Conan - The Hollywood Reporter says that Jimmy Fallon has signed a deal to replace Conan O Brien as host of Late Night after Conan becomes host of the Tonight Show next year. Will Fallon smirk smugly at the camera and crack up at his own jokes like he did on Weekend Update. Golly, I sure hope so. That was so charming
Jennifer Tilly is ageless -Jennifer Tilly walked the red carpet last night at the palms in Vegas for the premier of the movie "Deal". Which is only noteworthy because, in September, she turns 50. 50. This bitch is 50 years old, yet still looks less run down than Lindsay or Britney or fifty dozen other Hollywood fuck ups you could name. I think she might be the devil.
Actor Jason Beghe was best man at the wedding of David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. He starred as Demi Moore’s love interest in "G.I. Jane." He’s been in TV shows like "Criminal Minds," "Numb3rs" and "CSI." He's also been a scientologist since 1994. I think maybe he’s not a scientologist anymore. Fox News says…
…it's quite easy to understand the point he's making. After 14 years and a tremendous amount of money, he's seeing Scientology in a different light. Beghe has completed so many courses that he's considered a top Scientologist, or "OT 5" — similar to Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. But Beghe reveals: "The further up the bridge, the worse you get."
Tom Cruise could be training an army of roller skating kitty cats with lasers on their heads that would turn non-believers into sandwiches, and it would still be the most rational and level headed thing I’ve heard about scientology in years.
For a few weeks now people have been wondering why Suri Cruise suddenly dropped out of sight. Then yesterday Tom Crusie showed up at a public park with her. Man, what a coincidence. We don't have any close-up pictures from this spontaneous afternoon, because the paparazzi do what they always do at times like this, and that is stay a respectful distance away so big stars can have some privacy. Even still, Suri, as always, looked like they just pulled her out of the dryer. Is she okay? She always looks so confused and disoriented. Katie Holmes didn't make the trip with them, as she had a busy afternoon planned of crying in the bathroom and taking laxitives. Because she's so fat.
Metro UK says that Jennifaa Yopez has asked Tom Cruise to be the godfather to her newborn twins, further fueling rumors that she herself is a closet scientologist despite her repeated public denials.
However not everyone is happy about the diva's decision, namely her husband Marc Anthony, a devote Catholic, who is said to be concerned about Cruise's mysterious religious beliefs, it was reported. An insider claims despite Anthony's opposition Cruise is over, saying: 'Tom is delighted. Marc wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have a Scientologist as the kids' godfather, especially as he and Jennifer are both Catholic.'
They also say Cruise is planning a quarter million dollar party to welcome this kids to the world. And if there's anything better for a baby than an extravagant party thrown by people whose religion is based on intergalactic UFO wars, I haven't heard of it. The party can have smoke and laser light shows and a silver space ship come down and open up and then have a guy with a lizard head and silver jumpsuit with a big red X across his chest stand over the babies and welcome them to earth. Top experts agreee, babies should be made to feel like they're about to die. Because when (if) they don't, it gives them a nice lucky feeling.
TOM CRUISE IS FUNNY - The New York Times says an industry screening Tuesday night for the Ben Stiller movie "Tropic Thunder" – the one where Robert Downy Jr plays a black guy – was noteworthy mostly for the surprise cameo by Tom Cruise as a fat, balding and ruthless movie executive. The uncredited cameo was supposed to be a surprise, as Cruise is not included in any commercials or promotional material, but you can find a picture of him in character here. What you won't find is the strength to open your heart and love again. That’s been inside you the whole time.
THAT GIRL WAS VOTED OFF - People magazine says that Ramiele Malubay was voted off American Idol last night, and they say it in the hottest way possible. “It was an all-female bottom three as Brooke White and Kristy Lee Cook joined Ramiele Malubay…” Rawr. What a sexy show this is.
HEATHER MILLS IS CLEVER – Heather Mills was seen on her way to Los Angeles yesterday in black wig, a cunning disguise that caused many to say, "Hey look, there’s Heather Mills in a black wig". Plan B: a handlebar mustache and monocle.
Bauer Griffin has some pictures of Katie Holmes new super short haircut, and although I will look back longingly to her time as the Berries and Cream lad, I like this one too because Tom Cruise has been getting fat lately, and I miss the old timey comedy teams where one guy was short and fat and the other guy was tall and skinny. Hopefully they’ll do that bit where one of them has a ladder on their shoulder and they turn around and bonk the other one in the head. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
