you’ll never guess why Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise

By brendon June 30, 2012 @ 7:45 AM

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It would be easy to paint Scientology as some scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise, and that’s because Scientology is a scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise.

So here’s a timeline explaining how we got here, and it’s kinda long but don’t skip to the end without paying me or else you’ll die of pneumonia (I’m just like Scientology).

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting a divorce

By brendon June 29, 2012 @ 2:25 PM

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Celebrity news stories are often described as “shocking”, and they almost never are, but this one might be because after five seemingly happy years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting a divorce.

People magazine says…

“This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family,” says Holmes’s attorney. “Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”
(Cruise), 49, wed Holmes, 33, in an Italian castle in November 2006. They have a daughter Suri, 6.
This was Holmes’s first marriage and the third for Cruise, who previously was married to Nicole Kidman, with whom he has two children, and Mimi Rogers.

Cruise was famously accused of being pressured by Scientology to divorce Kidman right before their 10 year anniversary, which started a very public fight about when they actually separated. Under California law, after 10 years of marriage, Cruise would have lost more in the settlement and had to pay alimony until Kidman remarried.

So maybe Scientology is behind this divorce too. Maybe they don’t need Katie anymore. Maybe Suri is already strong enough in her training to take on Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy, and the time to strike back is now!

SURPRISING UPDATETMZ now adds that it was Holmes who filed for divorce, she wants sole custody of Suri, and Cruise was completely “blindsided” by all of this. This is why there are no good Scientologist quarterbacks. These dim fuckers have no pocket awareness.

can you even tell who this is?

By brendon May 22, 2012 @ 4:34 PM

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This very famous actress arrived at the airport in Nice today on her way to the Cannes Film Festival, but who is it? Is it the ghost of Shelly Long? Does Taylor Swift have progeria? I’ll give you a hint: it’s Nicole Kidman.

Did that help? Have you figured out who this is? I’ve been staring at it for 5 minutes and I’m still not certain that I have.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Isabella Cruise covered for absentee mom Nicole Kidman

By brendon May 09, 2012 @ 4:16 PM

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Kids, especially adopted kids, are at their most confident and secure in their early teens. They’re fearless pillars of strength who embrace every setback as an exciting new challenge. That’s why it’s really no big deal that Nicole Kidman bailed on the two kids she adopted with Tom Cruise. In fact she hasn’t been photographed with her daughter Isabella, 19, or her son Conner, 17, in over 5 years.

Luckily for her, Isabella seems healthy and well-adjusted anyway, and covered for her in an Australian magazine.

‘I love mom. She’s my mom. She’s great. I see her sometimes and I speak to her.’
‘We’re a very close family. I love all of our family.’

It’s hard to really know what to think about all this because, to be honest, I’d forgotten about both of those kids.

That’s not me defending Nicole Kidman, by the way. It’s what she said today when a reporter asked her to comment on this.

Tom Cruise paid Indian people to be “excited fans”

By brendon December 06, 2011 @ 3:50 PM

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When Tom Cruise finally landed in India for the premiere of ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ yesterday, the airport was mobbed with hundreds of people shouting his name and asking for autographs. Because that’s what they were paid to do, according to a report that seems to have originated here.

One of the people hired to shriek said…

“I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came.”

And another added…

“None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for TV shows and other such events where crowds are required.”

I don’t know if those sources are lying or not, but I do know that these are the same people who tried to pull out Indiana Jones’ heart while it was still beating, and they stole that villages magic rock too, so, personally, I don’t trust them.

(image source = splash)

Mark Wahlberg says Tom Cruise fakes his stunts

By brendon October 28, 2011 @ 3:28 PM

Mark Wahlberg was on the Opie and Anthony show yesterday and when the topic of Tom Cruise doing his own stunts for ‘Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol’ came up, he essentially said he didn’t believe those stories. He also said he doesn’t bother doing his own stunts and relies on doubles to do all the work. For the record if there was any way to get his doubles to do all the acting from now on too, that would be great.