Zac Efron Shit on MLK

By Lex January 20, 2016 @ 9:40 AM


The Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. had his faults. He liked to fornicate. But he got a ton done for black civil rights. Every January government workers and bank tellers get to watch basketball at sports bars to celebrate his birthday. You don’t fuck with MLK Day publicly. It’s the one nicety America gave to black people after lots of crap behavior. Zac Efron couldn’t leave it alone. The star of many horrible films where he’s topless because sexism is rampant in Hollywood used MLK Day to promote his own personal achievement. I’m white and I see nothing super wrong with this. Which is why I know it’s bad. Tons of backlash Twitter responses later and Efron was forced to post  a pro forma mea culpa pussy ipso facto.

This is why most celebrities employ robotic agencies and practiced girls from state college to write their social media copy. You split these two messages an hour apart and you’re fine. Maybe lose the black fist power emojis. Kind of racist. Hashtags can’t save everything, only mostly everything. When are the Oscars? I need to bathe in white.

Michelle Rodriguez Fucks the Gay Out of Zac Efron

By Lex August 04, 2014 @ 9:24 AM

Michelle Rodriguez In A Bikini Top With Zac Efron On A Yacht In Ibiza
At this point, Michelle Rodriguez is merely toying with the true depth of her sex powers. She’s like Zod with a vagina. She can fuck the gay into people. Now she’s trying to fuck the gay out of Zac Efron. That’s like earning a perfect ten in gymnastics before Nadia Comaneci. It seems inconceivable. But Zac jetted out from Los Angeles direct to Michelle’s Atlantis compound in the Riviera to be de-gay-programmed through an intensive regimen of gluten, pretending to know shit about cars, and Michelle’s super twat that encased Efron for an entire weekend as she read off the list of names of famous male models and socked him every time she felt a twinge. Michelle Rodriguez is still in her caterpillar stage. When she goes full butterfly don’t be surprised to see her spread eagle atop the Freedom Tower causing all of lower Manhattan to feel a longing in their genitalia.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Zac Efron Took His Shirt Off For Morons (VIDEO)

By Travis April 14, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

There’s really no better way to confirm that your career is still on track and definitely not being dragged down by rumors of an intense cocaine addiction than by showing up at the MTV Movie Awards and letting someone tear your shirt off. Zac Efron did just that after he was honored with the most prestigious award of all, the Best Shirtless Performance, at last night’s event. Rita Ora did the heavy lifting in tearing Zac’s shirt off, and I’m both relieved and surprised that he didn’t have a mess of track marks and a tattoo of himself blowing another guy for crack. But this is Hollywood, so I’m sure that they have plenty of makeup to cover that kind of stuff up.

Zac Efron Couldn’t Act His Way Out of a Paper Bag Filled with Airplane Glue

By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 3:19 PM

Zac Efron Emerges With A Friend After Skid Row Fight In Los Angeles
According to the journalists at TMZ, Zac Efron’s friends are afraid to confront him about his really big problem. No, not the fact that he’s been shitty in over fifteen straight shitty failed movies. He’ll still get fifteen more, that’s how Hollywood works. And, no, not his pretending to be straight. That’s a given for all the male model lithesome actors in town. It’s drugs. The junk our parents and failed government programs warned us about but we just didn’t listen. Zac’s entourage is quite concerned that Zac has fallen off the wagon since pretending to go to rehab last year to get himself work eligible again. Pretend rehab is like real rehab in that neither actually work, but pretend rehab for Zac happened to be hanging out at some guy’s house for a couple weeks getting detoxed through a combination of healthy diet and frequent fellatio on Vincent, the uncircumcised live-in male nurse with aggressive appetites. Zac’s latest telltale drug sign was that kerfuffle near Leif Garret’s heroin den on Skid Row.  His friends are only left to wonder what comes next. We are only left to wonder if his friends are just really entourage living off his tip and worried what happens when he punches out and they’re left with seventeen dollars, Zac Efron butt herpes, and a landlord giving them 24 hours to clear out. Zac is too big to fail. Though I bet it still happens. Cocaine is heartless motherfucker. It kills the fat celebrities quickly, the lean just end up wishing they’d been fat.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Sure Zac Efron, You Were Looking For ‘Sushi’

By Travis March 28, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

You know how when someone is really fucked up on drugs and has a serious problem that absolutely needs to be addressed, they just lie their asses off to get everyone to leave them alone, and then they go about their business, just doing all the drugs they can get their hands on? That might be Zac Efron right now. After the police had to rescue him and his “bodyguard” from a really shitty area of Los Angeles the other night, and after he was punched in the face by a transient, Zac claimed that they were just out for some sushi after midnight. It was all a coincidence that his car “ran out of gas” in an area populated by drug dealers, who just randomly beat up Zac and stabbed his bodyguard several times.

Except TMZ reports that the so-called bodyguard is actually a convicted drug dealer, and the stab wounds that he told TMZ about were never reported to the police. Meanwhile, Zac’s friends have reportedly abandoned him because he lied about going to rehab twice last year, and they think he’s still using. If this is actually the case, all we can do is sit back and see if Hollywood learned anything from Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death.

Photo Credit: Getty

Zac Efron Got Punched By A Homeless Man

By Travis March 27, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Zac Efron might be battling his inner demons by trying to beat the shit out of homeless people. At least that’s the theory that I’m working on this morning, as we all try to figure out why the fuck a once-squeaky-clean guy like Zac Efron was hanging out in the Skid Row area of Los Angeles just after midnight last night. The two-time rehab graduate told police that he and his bodyguard ran out of gas, according to TMZ, and while they were waiting for help and minding their own business, an “obviously intoxicated” Zac tossed a bottle out of his window, causing it to break on the ground. Meanwhile, some of the transients in the area thought that bottle was meant for them, and that led to three of them kicking Zac’s and his bodyguard’s asses. Zac reportedly claimed that it was “the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” but the real victim here is us. There should at least be some shitty cell phone footage of this fight, because it would have been the most entertaining thing he’s done in his career.

Photo Credit: Getty