There’s really no better way to confirm that your career is still on track and definitely not being dragged down by rumors of an intense cocaine addiction than by showing up at the MTV Movie Awards and letting someone tear your shirt off. Zac Efron did just that after he was honored with the most prestigious award of all, the Best Shirtless Performance, at last night’s event. Rita Ora did the heavy lifting in tearing Zac’s shirt off, and I’m both relieved and surprised that he didn’t have a mess of track marks and a tattoo of himself blowing another guy for crack. But this is Hollywood, so I’m sure that they have plenty of makeup to cover that kind of stuff up.
According to the journalists at TMZ, Zac Efron’s friends are afraid to confront him about his really big problem. No, not the fact that he’s been shitty in over fifteen straight shitty failed movies. He’ll still get fifteen more, that’s how Hollywood works. And, no, not his pretending to be straight. That’s a given for all the male model lithesome actors in town. It’s drugs. The junk our parents and failed government programs warned us about but we just didn’t listen. Zac’s entourage is quite concerned that Zac has fallen off the wagon since pretending to go to rehab last year to get himself work eligible again. Pretend rehab is like real rehab in that neither actually work, but pretend rehab for Zac happened to be hanging out at some guy’s house for a couple weeks getting detoxed through a combination of healthy diet and frequent fellatio on Vincent, the uncircumcised live-in male nurse with aggressive appetites. Zac’s latest telltale drug sign was that kerfuffle near Leif Garret’s heroin den on Skid Row. His friends are only left to wonder what comes next. We are only left to wonder if his friends are just really entourage living off his tip and worried what happens when he punches out and they’re left with seventeen dollars, Zac Efron butt herpes, and a landlord giving them 24 hours to clear out. Zac is too big to fail. Though I bet it still happens. Cocaine is heartless motherfucker. It kills the fat celebrities quickly, the lean just end up wishing they’d been fat.
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You know how when someone is really fucked up on drugs and has a serious problem that absolutely needs to be addressed, they just lie their asses off to get everyone to leave them alone, and then they go about their business, just doing all the drugs they can get their hands on? That might be Zac Efron right now. After the police had to rescue him and his “bodyguard” from a really shitty area of Los Angeles the other night, and after he was punched in the face by a transient, Zac claimed that they were just out for some sushi after midnight. It was all a coincidence that his car “ran out of gas” in an area populated by drug dealers, who just randomly beat up Zac and stabbed his bodyguard several times.
Except TMZ reports that the so-called bodyguard is actually a convicted drug dealer, and the stab wounds that he told TMZ about were never reported to the police. Meanwhile, Zac’s friends have reportedly abandoned him because he lied about going to rehab twice last year, and they think he’s still using. If this is actually the case, all we can do is sit back and see if Hollywood learned anything from Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death.
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Zac Efron might be battling his inner demons by trying to beat the shit out of homeless people. At least that’s the theory that I’m working on this morning, as we all try to figure out why the fuck a once-squeaky-clean guy like Zac Efron was hanging out in the Skid Row area of Los Angeles just after midnight last night. The two-time rehab graduate told police that he and his bodyguard ran out of gas, according to TMZ, and while they were waiting for help and minding their own business, an “obviously intoxicated” Zac tossed a bottle out of his window, causing it to break on the ground. Meanwhile, some of the transients in the area thought that bottle was meant for them, and that led to three of them kicking Zac’s and his bodyguard’s asses. Zac reportedly claimed that it was “the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” but the real victim here is us. There should at least be some shitty cell phone footage of this fight, because it would have been the most entertaining thing he’s done in his career.
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Zac Efron is having a very public struggle with addiction but did it get so bad that he overdosed ? Word on the Internets is that it did. Back in January, before he went into rehab, Zac reportedly had to be resuscitated at a party after he took a bunch of Oxycodone and Aderall. I usually just put out pretzels and chips, so I guess this was a more upscale event. Supposedly, he was so bad off that he wouldn’t even let people in the door unless they brought him pills. It’s sad to see a kid with…well…not talent, but you know, fuck up his life this royally. I don’t even feel like making any Zac sucks dick jokes. Do you see now how drug abuse affects more than just the user?
Further proving that most celebrities are the victims of their own narcissistic desires to be mentioned by the tabloids and gossip sites on a daily basis, actor Zac Efron allegedly not only went to rehab recently for substance abuse, but he also finished his treatment five months ago without anybody ever mentioning it. According to E!, sources claim the 25-year old is “healthy, happy and not drinking,” while TMZ claims this is all about cocaine. Either way, he’s currently working on more projects than ever, and I think the key to this kind of quiet, understated success and recovery is to not have entered this world through Dina Lohan’s birth canal.
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