New York Post rumors are basically one guy in their newsroom making up celebrity shit for some other guy in the newsroom and next thing you know, there it is, anonymous sources stating that Beyonce is probably hiding her second baby from the public. You may recall that Beyonce responded to rumors of her first pregnancy by hiring a girl off Craigslist to ‘make her a pretty baby that don’t cry so much.’ But the baby turned out too pretty. So Beyonce bought a $21,000 crib to chain the baby to so she could go out on the town without having to worry about stupid face Blue Ivy showing up and hogging all the attention. That seems like a lot of work to do all over again.
OJ Simpson was back in court yesterday asking for a retrial of his 2008 conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery, after he and a group of armed men went after two sports memorabilia dealers that OJ had accused of stealing from him. The 65-year old former NFL star is claiming that his then-attorney, Yale Galanter, fed him terrible advice during the original trial and possibly even failed to tell him about a plea deal that would have landed the Juice in prison for only two years, instead of his current sentence of 33 years that will likely see him die behind bars.
Friends and family attended yesterday’s hearing, and they reportedly couldn’t believe how tired and beaten OJ looked from spending five years in prison, to which Fred Goldman replied, “Yeah, it’s just awful” before delivering another crate of porn and cigarettes to the Lovelock Correctional Center in Las Vegas.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
The big press release I got said ‘Zoe Saldana is nude in this month’s Allure!’. Okay, it wasn’t a press release so much as FSI in Glamour that fell out when I was perusing an article about how to Ombre your own hair. It was for a friend. Fuck, I said too much. The point is, Zoe Saldana is not nude in the magazine. She has no clothes. She’s technically nude. But, again, I call upon Stripper Law to plainly state that when a neon light blinks ‘LIVE NUDE GIRLS’, you’re going to see both Hooties and the Blowfish. If they wheel a girl out and she’s twisted up into a PG-rated pretzel, at least the DJ is now dead. There ought to be about 20 terms in the English language that when intentionally misused in advertising result in the punishment of death. Strip show, nude girls, free fries…
Photo Credit: Allure Magazine
It goes without saying that being born Prince Harry is a pretty sweet roll of the cosmic dice. You get cars and girls and money just for emerging out of the right vagina. It’s not a bad gig. But, at times, it comes with its downsides. Like having to hang with lap-banded Chris Christie on the boardwalk touring Sandy damage. Chris Christie cares about hurricane damage in New Jersey a whole lot. He has to. Prince Harry doesn’t give a fuck and he’d rather be doing blow with naked hookers in Vegas like his last trip stateside. Instead he’s checking out washed out buildings while trying not to be sucked in by the gravitational forces of the governor’s enormous gunt. Is the tradeoff worth it? Fuck yeah it is. Still, a long day with the lime green Weeble has to make you consider trading lives with a Pauper.
Remember back before the Internet when you’d see a hot girl in some magazine or a movie and you’d get all excited wondering who she was? So, maybe you’d ask your buddy, Rick, but Rick hates his job as a floater at Macy’s and is too stoned to answer. That right there was the sum total of available research. But, now, with the click of a mouse, I can tell you that model Xenia Deli is from Moldova and she’s 170 cm tall. That was worth waiting 20 years for.
And, yeah, fuck you if you’re too young to remember life before the Internet. Someday your hair will thin out and driving an hour to get laid will seem like too much work.
Whatever real breast tissue Angelina Jolie had left is now gone after she had a preventative double mastectomy. It seems that the mother of between seventeen and thirty children has a faulty gene that increases her risk of getting cancer. Her mom died at a relatively young age and Angie wants to live to adopt more Third World kids and make movies in Croatia nobody will ever see. This doesn’t mean she’s going to be flat like your Aunt Gertrude after her mastectomy. This is Hollywood and without her tits Angie’s career is not just lukewarm like it is now, it’s over. So she had entirely new and I’m sure quite fabulously endowed boobs built. I’m guessing for a ton of cash you probably don’t get the bolt-ons either, but really nice Kate Upton replicas.
Angelina said she came out with her ordeal to encourage other women to get genetic tests done to identify their risk. That’s nice. It also gives us all an excuse to think about her breasts. I remember when I first saw them in the 90′s in Gia. they were so young and full of life. It was a simpler time then, when we could stare at her chest and not think about death.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INF, PCN, WENN
Guys have some strange fascination with short girls. There’s some unfounded collective belief that all short girls are somehow gymnastically inclined nymphomaniac spinners who fly on and off your member like Sandy Duncan in her Peter Pan harness. I once had sex with a shorter gal. She was grumpy as hell and after sex she punched me in the liver and ran off with my gold. I’m not saying that’s how all short women are, just the same, I’d watch my back when doing the deed with any woman not tall enough to ride Space Mountain.
Here’s Hayden Panettiere in a bikini. Apparently she and her big fake boobs can spin 360-degrees on your junk with just a gentle push.
Photo Credit: PCN
Victoria Silvstedt is a whore. I mean that in the nicest sense of the word. Like, ‘whoa, man, your lady is such a whore’. Or, ‘hey, check out his mom, she’s a world class whore.’ The term is hardly sexist. It can be used as a measure of respect for men too, as in ‘Bobby takes cock like a whore’ or ‘is there nothing that crack whore Steve won’t do to get his rock?’ Victoria has sex with wealthy men. And she’s apparently very good at it. So good that she spends her life on a yacht anchored off the coasts of the most exclusive ports in the world. Think of her as a fancy buoy. A big fancy whore buoy.
Photo Credit: WENN