01.18.2012 Diddy yells at Cameron Diaz, and she likes it

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The New York Daily News says that Sean Combs was yelling at Cameron Diaz (they’re reportedly dating these days) and ordering her around when they were at the Weinstein Company Golden Globes party Saturday night, but before you decide how you feel about that, keep in mind that Cameron Diaz went to that party looking like this. I’m actually surprised he didn’t punch her.

One partygoer was startled by Diddy’s “controlling” treatment of Diaz.
(After arriving separately) Diddy found Diaz sitting on a couch “talking to a guy.”
“Let’s go,” Diddy told her.
Diaz quickly got up and followed him out a back exit, away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi (but) ran into three male party guests who wanted their pictures taken with Diaz.
She happily obliged until an impatient Diddy grabbed her hand, said “Let’s go” again, and pulled her to a waiting car.
“I’ve never seen him so controlling,” says the source, who says Diaz “seemed to like the manly power thing.”

Cameron Diaz should have enough self respect to not date a guy who treats her this way, but Cameron Diaz sucks so I’m glad she doesn’t. In fact after reading this I hope they get married.


01.18.2012 Dakota Fanning looks different

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Dakota Fanning was a very cute little kid, but she’s 18 these days, and now she’s… um… someone who was a very cute little kid. Not that she’s ugly or anything. Um. Actually let’s just forget this whole thing, unless there’s some way to say that she was better looking when she was 10 without the Fed’s shutting the website down.

(image source of dakota in beverly hills yesterday = inf)


01.18.2012 Mark Wahlberg would have stopped 9/11

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Pretend movie tough-guy/real-life jackass Mark Wahlberg has an interview in the new issue of Men’s Fitness, and let’s just get right to it:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So, by extension, according to Mark Wahlberg, all the people who were on those planes but did not prevent them from crashing were pussies. Who didn’t love their kids as much as he does. And the people who fought back on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania were lumbering doofuses and crashed anyway.

Clearly that’s not how Mark Wahlberg, who starred in ‘the Italian Job’, would have done it. He would have defeated the terrorists with his movie punches, then landed the plane, on time, and killed the Arab-looking baggage guys just in case. That sure would have been exciting to see! If it’s not too much trouble maybe Wahlberg could dig up some of the lazy assholes who died that day and act it out for me.

01.18.2012 George Lucas is retiring because he sucks

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George Lucas has had 37 producer credits over the past 20 years, and since pure greed beat up and drowned whatever artistic integrity he may have once had, 35 of them were about either Indiana Jones or Star Wars.

The rare exception is ‘Red Tails’, which opens Friday, and he tells the NY Times that “it will be his final blockbuster.” Which not only seems presumptuous, but is also not true.

“I’m retiring,” Lucas said. “I’m moving away from the business, from the company, from all this kind of stuff.”
Lucas has decided to devote the rest of his life to what cineastes in the 1970s used to call personal films. They’ll be small in scope, esoteric in subject and screened mostly in art houses.

No not really. Actually next he’ll do the exact opposite; produce and write the story for another ‘Indiana Jones’ sequel. But why not let someone else do that, perhaps someone who understands story structure, and who isn’t a complete shithead with horrible ideas. Is it just that Lucas can’t take a hint?

Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what is is.

Lucas seized control of his movies from the studios only to discover that the fanboys could still give him script notes. “Why would I make any more,” Lucas says of the “Star Wars” movies, “when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?”

At first I thought that was sad, but then I remembered that Lucas had a scene where Jar Jar Binks stepped in shit, and then hopped around saying, “uuba uuba juuba” for two minutes. Now I think it’s sad that those people weren’t throwing broken bottles at him instead of simply yelling.

01.17.2012 Kelly Brook is very wise

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One advantage Kelly Brooks lingerie has over other brands of lingerie is that it’s modeled by Kelly Brook. That sly boots. I also like that she’s wearing high heels, because it makes me think that if she tried to run away I could catch her.

(image source = splash)


01.17.2012 Katy Perry is a Sims character now

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Imagine if you could isolate everything bad about life with Katy Perry (incessant demands, god-awful music, dancing) and then combine that with never ever fucking her, or even staring at her tits. That would suck right?

Yeah that’s what I thought too. But she’s a new character in ‘The Sims 3: Showtime’ anyway.

I will predict however that at least Russell Brand will buy a copy, and then that “Katy Perry” will have a little “accident.”


01.17.2012 Lindsay Lohan is totally in a real movie this time

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Lindsay Lohan told TMZ… pardon me, a “source” told TMZ, that Lindsay Lohan has so impressed casting directors around town with her new level of maturity and professionalism, than they’re practically fighting each other to get her in their new movies.

But Lindsay has now chosen the vehicle for her big comeback, and she’s decided on a scandalous Hollywood bio-pic, where she’ll be playing iconic legend Elizabeth Taylor, no less!

On the Lifetime Network!

Unless the producers can get Megan Fox, which would be their preference.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversations with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Lifetime’s Liz and Dick, told E! News exclusively.
“It’s a very serious selection,” Thompson continued. “It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty.”

Indeed it is. That’s why the last two actors to play her were none other than Sherilyn Fenn and Liliana Pinto. Oh yes, my friends. Lindsay is big time now.

The only question left is; how will they work it so Lindsay can still film her important roles in the Spiderman and Superman reboots, and to play Linda Lovelace and Kim Gotti. Because Lindsay said she was doing those too. I hope this new movie won’t interfere. The poor dear really has a full plate.

01.17.2012 Opie and Anthony offer Kris Jenner 250K for Khloe proof

Despite the fact that we can look right at them, Kris Jenner still insists that her daughters Kim Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), Kourtney Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), and Khloe Kardashian (who looks like Bigfoot) all have the same father. It’s actually kind of insulting. So today Opie and Anthony offered Kris $250,000 to prove it. All she has to do is arrange the DNA tests that prove Robert Kardashian was Khloes father. And since she’s of course telling the truth, this should be easy money for Jenner.

Opie even offered to give the money directly to a charity if thats what Kris wants, so some good can come out of this. Granted in this case the charity she would chose would be “the Prada store”, to benefit their “handbags for old ladies” program, but it’s the thought that counts.

01.17.2012 Todd Glass has come out of the closet

Stand-up comedian Todd Glass, who you may know from ‘Tosh.0′ or, um… other episodes of ‘Tosh.0′, announced that he’s gay yesterday while a guest on Marc Marons podcast. When asked what prompted him to come out now, Glass said he could no longer sit back and do nothing about the growing number of suicides committed by gay youths.

Wait, what?

“I cannot listen to stories about kids killing themselves any longer without thinking [to myself], ‘When are you going to have a little blood on your shirt for not being honest about who you are?’” said Glass.

I’m sure the gay community appreciates the effort, but I’m guessing they’d also have preferred someone more famous. If I were a young gay kid, having Todd Glass want to fuck me would only drive me to suicide faster.

01.17.2012 Cameron Diaz has still got it

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For like, I don’t know, ten years maybe, I’ve been saying that Cameron Diaz is actually a fucking monster, despite what leading magazines would like you to believe, and if people would just open their eyes and look at her they’d realize how alarmingly ugly she is, and has been for a long time now.

I will concede that she did have one brief window a decade ago where she was kind of cute, but there’s a brief window where a puppy pee’ing on your carpet is kind of cute too. Cameron Diaz is like that. Except the dog is smarter.

(image source of cameron in beverly hills saturday night = getty)


01.16.2012 Amanda Heard at the 5th annual Heaven Gala

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Amber Heard would probably be annoyed to know that I imagine her having sex with other girls every time I see her, but she should have thought of that before she started having sex with other girls. So if she’s not mature enough to admit that there’s a lot of blame to go around on this, well then quite frankly I guess Amber just has a lot of growing up to do.

(image source of amber saturday night at elysiums 5th annual heaven gala, whatever the hell that is = splash, getty and wenn)


01.16.2012 BREAKING NEWS: Madonna is a narcissistic cunt

Madonna beat out Elton John to win the Golden Globe for Best Original Song last night, and, naturally, she used her acceptance speech as a chance to thank herself for being so wonderful. She spoke for less than 2 minutes, and 26 of the 204 words she used were some version of “I” or “me”.

0 of the words she used were some version of “we” or “our”.

This did not go unnoticed by the crowd who sat in silence every time she tried to be cute, or by Elton Johns husband David Furnish, who went on his Facebook and wrote:

“Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!”
“Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism.”

But it was all worth it to hear Madonna tell the crazy story about how the song got made. First someone suggested she do it, and then she did it. What a wild ride! Only in Hollywood, you guys!

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