Slipknot Shit Out of Luck

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

SK

Slipknot was denied the ability to light barrels of camel shit on fire by officials during the upcoming Knotfest Music Festival. They had planned to “Infest your brain, body and clothes for days” with shit other than their questionable music. It’s unclear if this was a poorly directed marketing ploy, or a spec of genius to cover for how Slipknot fans carry the stench of lonely teen boys preparing their arsenals for town square shootings.

The legal problem was not with the shit itself, but with oil they planned to mix with the feces. If you ever find yourself in this line of conversation as a lawyer just return to South Texas and open a shoddy strip club. Slipknot plans to bank royalties off this meth convention into the near future while comfortably never returning:

“It’s something that we want to be in control of so much that it can exist without us.”

The disparity between the marketing savvy of costumed novelty musical acts and the intelligence of their fans remains high. I bet the lead singer of Slipknot is smarter than John Mayer. But Mayer fans wouldn’t be caught dead near a pile of steaming shit. Nonetheless, the two can share a beer with each other when catching a glance at the Delta Sky Club en route to Maui. The moral of the story is learn how to play guitar and don’t listen to your parents.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Oscar Pistorius Has A Disconnect

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 9:40 AM

Pist

There are some serious issues involved with sentencing Oscar Pistorius for Culpable Homicide, which is apparently a South African term for execution. It appears he threw his dead girlfriend’s parents some cash because they were struggling financially after he killed her, yet when offered a lump sum of $34,000 dollars they considered it “Blood Money.” I guess that would make his previous offers Blood Change which everyone knows is useful for purchasing petrol or personal security details or paying slaves to tend your house or whatever the fuck people do there.

Culpable Homicide seems a polite British way of saying Manslaughter, but at least our word sounds pretty fucked up. You’re Culpable when you take the last Bass from the garage cooler. This dude killed a chick. His lawyers are advocating he stay out of prison, because prison would “break him as a person” even further. That’s a cheap shot. Sometimes when you kill a chick in South Africa you end up in a South African prison. Sweden has their No Vacancy light flashing with a 20 person occupancy. I’m guessing a prison assault on Pistorius would seem more likely given his celebrity bionic status, much like someone cowering behind a closed door while a dude wields a pistol at them is more likely to get offed. These are just bigger pistols.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Snoop Dogg Steps Up Game

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Snoop

Snoop Dogg has responded to his Instagram beef with Iggy Azalea in his most gangster fashion since being narrowly acquitted of gang murder, yet is still falling short of his edgier Saturday Morning Cartoon licensing agreements. After Azalea responded in lame duck fashion to his initial post he has bombarded more pics, this one being better than his last fourteen albums combined.

Sometimes when you’re an Australian opportunist pretending to run hip hop black dudes are going to get pissy with you. Particularly when the rapper involved writes albums about how dumb bitches are. I’m not saying Snoop’s views on women are to be considered legitimate, he just seemed to have a point when I was a frustrated teen who couldn’t get laid, like the ratchety tools who still bump Snoop in their 5.0.

Iggy Azalea has a lot on her plate. She’s being divorced by a low level hip hop producer she claims she never married. He’s also threatening to release their sexual escapades on tape. She’s got an ass filled with enough fat to feed the Southern Sudan and she’s dating the least effective Laker on a team of ineffective Lakers. Now she’s in a beef with a guy with tons of time and stoner shits and giggles inspirations. Odds are someone shuts the fuck up soon and it’s not going to be Snoop. Odds someone gets shot, slightly higher. Again, not Snoop.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Amber Rose Sad Ass Revenge

By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

Amber Rose Shows Butt On Instagram
Splitting asunder that institution where you used to whisper saccharin sweet pet names while lapping each other’s genitals is all about reparing that bruised ego. Wiz Khalifa fucked twins. I don’t care how you brace yourself as the mannish looking wife of a shady rapper, that has to hurt. Posting pictures of your ass on Instagram is not going to cut it. Why bother even playing if that’s your best response. This is the stoned ass-hat who befouled your sacred vows before Jesus and a bunch of dudes with gold caps packing heat. He discredited you and the likely to be troubled child you must now raise. Put on a wig and some Bruce Jenner level pre-op makeup and go fuck the tar out of three dudes Khalifa hates the most in this world. You back down now and you will grow old and bitter with regret. Even if he dies within the year from bare banging an Ebola infected nurse, dancing on his grave will feel empty without the jizz of his enemies swimming in your honeypot.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Clowns Troubling Town (VIDEO)

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 6:25 AM

After a series of frightening clowns started appearing all over rural Wasco California in the evening hours, local chatter surfaced they were carrying guns and murdering people. Formerly respected news outlets like ABC picked this shit up and ran with it because they are lazy hacks looking for ratings, like me, but they should know better since they went to college. It turns out there are no serial murdering clowns. Too good to be true. It’s just some stupid fucking amateur photography project. That string of words would draw a shrug if they were pictures of Hoffa’s corpse or Jennifer Lawrence’s clitoris with a little clown hat on it. John Wayne Gacy really trashed the medium for all the children and aspiring child molesters out there. This clown and his hipster photographer wife will most likely be killed wandering the gang infested streets of Wasco late at night by cholos who think he is The Legend of Quetzalcoatl or just some cracker asshole they feel like pummeling to death for wearing the wrong clown colors. I hope they take pictures.

Olivia Munn Saves Rodgers Semen, Saves the Packers

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Olivia Munn Wears Short Shorts At LAX
Packer fans bitched at the beginning of the season how Olivia Munn new couple sex was ruining Aaron Rodgers as the Pack dropped to one win over the lowly Jets in their first three games. Though even the Munn semen draining comments were less acerbic than the cries to string Rodgers up on a ranch pole when everybody in rural Wisconsin was certain he was homosexual.

The Packers have since toppled their last three opponents which can only mean Olivia’s pulled her energy zapping vagina off the table. As much as anyone, she wants the Green and Gold might have the chance to lose in the playoffs for yet another year. Olivia’s always been considered the hot girl next door. The girl that guys want to be with and girls want to kick in the cunt because they’re jealous competitive alley cats who secretly despise Eurasians. That just makes her hotter. Olivia Munn cured Aaron Rodgers of his gay. Just imagine where she could take you if you started out fully onboard.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Robin Thicke Drowns His Sorrows in Four Stories of Model Pussy

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 1:15 PM

Robin-Thicke-Waves-to-His-Adoring-Fans

With divorce papers inked and his ex-wife banging the snot tarp out of her new boyfriend, Robin Thicke chose to drown his sorrows the old-fashioned way, inviting a thong load of hot models back to his place to pull a train with Leonardo DiCaprio. Having Leo to your after hours soiree is a like having a keg at your high school party. It’s a signal that you’re serious about being blown by a cheerleader before the evening is over. It was only a few months ago Thicke was very publicly begging his wife to take him back in song and apologies and songs about apologies. But Paula Patton realized deep down that as good as her husband looked in gay silk vests ripping material from black artists, he was the kind of guy who was always thinking about plowing ambitious models in the hot tub while Leonardo DiCaprio looked on approvingly. She might have been on to something.

Photo credit: PacificCoastNews

The Handsomest President Bitch Slaps Ebola

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

President-Obama-and-His-Cabinet
Shit gets real when the President cancels fundraising trips. You don’t just turn down the chance to be virtually fellated by decked out sycophants unless it’s time to don the cape and get ready for action. The entire U.S. Cabinet is being assembled tonight at the Hall of Justice to figure out what to do about Ebola. Yes, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development will be in the house. Naturally, they could shut down all air travel originating from the three countries that have 99.9% of the Ebola cases, but that could be seen as culturally insensitive and potentially effective. CDC protocols seem to be handling the contagion pretty well so far, unless you’re the second nurse tested positive today in Dallas for Ebola. She’s being transported to Atlanta because everybody forgets about Atlanta and they could use some frightening headlines of their own.

Possible game changing actions being discussed at the White House include writing a sharp and accusatory letter to Ebola, economic sanctions on Iran, just because, and scheduling more meetings. If need be, Obama will move right to a U.N. resolution condemning Ebola, though not by name, and having Michelle figure out a hip acronym for EBOLA and teaching it to America’s school kids in the place of mathematics. Walk away now, Ebola. Walk away or you will be escorted.

Ebola Update: that second news flew on a Frontier airlines flight between Cleveland and Dallas over the past weekend while her Ebola fever was just beginning to rise. The CDC thinks maybe that wasn’t such a good idea and this could even be a breach of protocol 715(d), subsection 11-a wherein people from Cleveland gets smote by God once again.

Photo credit: Getty Images