Serena Williams Seems Unstoppable

By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 8:46 AM

Serena-Williams-Wears-Short-Shorts-While-Running-A-Marathon-In-Miami-lb
Serena Williams launched her own 5K charity run in Miami over the weekend. The event was considered a huge success even though nobody showed up except for the team of scientists the government pays to study Serena’s powerful haunches for military application. The race raised money for a gun violence charity in Florida which seeks to reduce gun violence in the state and replace it with more senior citizen phishing scams and dog racing. I’m not exactly sure what Serena is, but until China gets one, they can forever consider themselves also-rans for best country ever.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Bill Cosby Bets on Black

By Matt December 15, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

cos

I don’t know what Billy Cosby’s big bucks attorney is advising him, but the primary recommenation should probably involve some form of shutting the fuck up. Even if you pen some really clever lies, there’s nothing you could say that would actually engender you any public support. In contrast, there are a million things you can say which will make people hate you even more. Like the race card shit you told a New York Post reporter over the weekend:

“Let me say this. I only expect the black media to uphold the standards of excellence in journalism and when you do that you have to go in with a neutral mind.”

C’mon, black media, you know you’ve got Cosby’s back. Only the black media has the divine objectivity to ignore the allegations of twenty different women from across thirty years talking about Cosby drugging them and raping them. Don’t forget Cosby’s ‘Hey, Hey, Hey, I Didn’t Do What They Say’ defense. This seems like a draw. I’d wait until the court case that will never take place to even cover this story.

In the brief interview, Cosby went on to praise his wife for her love and womanhood. I’m not sure what that means, but Cosby’s wide certainly has recognized that a strong marriage is built on trust and support and not opening packages addressed to your husband marked, Handle With Care, Date Rape Drugs Inside.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jerry Garcia Was a Lover

By Matt December 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

JG

A model Jerry Garcia penned a couple squeamishly shy love letters to in the 1980′s is parting with her keepsakes for a few bucks at auction. Jerry Garcia was so intensely counterculture, he didn’t even bang hot models because that was just too corporate. Also, too much work when you’re fat and stoned and some grungy entourage chick is sucking you dry each evening and never complaining about you eating chips while she works.

If you’re down to pawning your Jerry Garcia trite poems on hotel stationery, you’ve probably already sold mom’s urn and at least one of your kidneys. It’s sort of sad when you have to go selling old keepsakes to pay the rent. Though not as bad as being one of those entourage chicks who often got pee in their mouths while Jerry faded into unconscious.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift’s Not Lesbian Girlfriend Borrowing Her Clothes

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Karlie Kloss In Tight Leather Pants While Walking In NYC
I suppose this is the natural happenstance of having a best friend who you occasionally make out with and sleeps over at your place a lot and looks rather suspiciously just like you. They’re going to start dressing in your shit. At some point Taylor Swift is going to have to tell Karlie Kloss they need some boundaries and give her stuff back. Perhaps in a song. Just no confrontations on T & K’s pizza and purge night. That’s sacred.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Creed Dude Assigns Himself a Presidential Assassination

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 1:03 PM

Scott-Stapp-Performing-in-Rio-in-2012

Creed frontman Scott Stapp has progressed from rambling self-videos about how he’s not on drugs to his wife calling 911 because Stapp’s riding around the neighborhood topless on a bike telling everybody he works for the CIA and he’s on a mission to kill Obama. There can’t be more than a thirty percent chance that is true, and if it is, abort the mission, Langley, the goose has been cooked, I repeat, the goose has been cooked.

It’s always sad to see a guy who’s always bugged the shit out of you now carrying backpacks full of downloaded Internet screen shots and talking about killing the Commander in Chief. Inevitably, all crazy talk boils doing to believing your a secret agent or a heaven sent angel and you need to kill somebody in the White House. You’d think every now and then paranoid schizophrenics might hear voices in their head telling them to mow the lawn or helicopter Kris Jenner to the North Pole and then ditch. Nope, just Presidential murder plots and removing chips from their brains. What a waste.

Photo credit: Getty Images

 

Gwyneth Paltrow Creates Bra for Angry Women

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Now Selling 80 Dollar Bras On Goop
In her quest to make the world a better place for skinny women who find parenting and being pleasant to their husbands rather droll, Gwyneth Paltrow released a line of expensive bras on her Goop website that only fit chicks with small tops who don’t mind paying $100 out the door for a brassiere. In an era when the chic trend is to go without any boob support, the Paltrow bra is specifically designed for women who want to let the world know that just getting to second base is going to be a monster pain in the ass

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Pamela Anderson Nipples Seem Rejuvenated

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

Pamela Anderson Gets Sultry In Lingerie For The Love Magazine Advent Calendar
You hate to see magazine people run out of ideas in series so quickly. When Maxim named Miley Cyrus the hottest woman in the universe despite her recessive marmoset features, the magazine circled the tank like a floater preparing for a five mile trek to waste treatment. Love magazine is only a few names into their video calendar feature series and they pulled out Pamela Anderson. When you don’t get the race car in Monopoly, you don’t dive down for thimble. You’ve got the battleship. The Scottie dog. Don’t back into the thimble just because it once blew Tommy Lee in all eighteen Southern California Norms restaurant parking lots one lost weekend.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Sony Chief Tips Sharpton and Jackson for Black Forgiveness

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 11:44 AM

Amy-Pascal-at-Spiderman-2-Premiere

Amy Pascal, the co-chair of Sony, has initiated a heartfelt strategy of carefully worded mea culpas, and a briefcase full of hundreds to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to serve as reparations for her emails containing blatantly racist remarks about President Obama. The only other option was to admit that rich white Liberals like to make black jokes. The truth is no way to keep your seven figure gig.

Pascal states how horrible it is to be judged on a ten-second snippet of your entire life’s work. Naturally, that presumes the one single time she made fun of black people in private was the one time Kim Jong Un’s forces of evil just happened to be stationed in a submarine in the Los Angeles river horking her emails. Bullshit that can’t be easily refuted is tantamount to the truth.

Pascal talked about the spiritual healing process she’s begun with Jackson and Sharpton on five easy installment payments, how she’s not really a racist like those white bible clingers in the South, and how nobody should blame Sony because the money they give her allows her in turn to donate heavily to the darkie in the White House she adores like a pet monkey she’d name Mr. Cheebs. Also, she can easily name two movies Sony has made under her tenure where black people were portrayed in a not super negative manner. Pascal didn’t want to out and out say it, but she’s pretty much the Rosa Parks of the studio executive ranks. I see an Image Award in somebody’s future.

Photo credit: Splash News