Porn Remains Our National Treasure

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:44 AM

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No matter how commercially bankrupt we become as a nation, we still exult the shit out of the gritty womenfolk who fuck on camera. Farrah Abraham, who is a mom and not a porn star, led a cavalcade of ass to mouth practitioners up the red carpet for the Adult Video Awards in Vegas. Whose cum are you wearing? Who glittered your taint? There’s no artist pretense to be had when the world has seen your prolapsed rectum under hot lights. Nobody needs to thank their stepdads for fingering them as preteens or the moms who conveniently looked the other way. Greatness isn’t born, it’s built. That’s America. God bless us.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kris Jenner the Toast of Paris

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Kris Jenner Wears Leather In Paris
There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most off putting qualities. Until cheering crowds circled Kris Jenner shouting shit in French that basically translates to, I love you! Use my bidet to clean your acidic tinkle! For a short while we all had to pretend Paris was a sweet place beset by evil. But it’s not. It’s an evil place beset by evil. If Kris Jenner keeps dressing progressively younger, eventually we can abort her. I’ll make the Planned Parenthood contribution. You get the Hefty drawstrings. It’s our last best hope.

Photo Credit: INF

Justin Bieber Seems Confident Enough

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 8:50 AM

Justin Bieber Checks Himself Out In The Mirror While Working Out
Justin Bieber isn’t the first douchebag to pose for himself in the mirror in between sets at the gym. He’s just the one small enough for me to ridicule. Vanity is every bit as natural to the human condition as taking a dump. Most people flush. Bieber is that special flower who has to admire his own ringlets of perfection. At some point the workouts and the tattoos and ordering of the big-ass bodyguards won’t be enough. Bieber’s going to end up in some off the map part of Bangkok cage fighting tigers. Unless they’ve got very tiny tigers, Bieber’s finally going to meet his match. It will all be for naught unless somebody gets decent audio.

Photo Credit: INF

Lindsay Lohan Distorted

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

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Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself shopped to look like a Barbie Doll and pretended nothing was up. She got herself down to her natural waist size, when she was eight and couldn’t eat because dad was beating mom so severely she wanted to save her food money for future booze. She claimed she was posting the photo to show she’s living fine with her new tropical virus. Or that’s what the virus wants the world to believe. You can Photoshop things on your phone now. Just not convincingly. Whatever people claim, McDonalds isn’t that terrible. However a medium Dr. Pepper is plenty. Don’t get plastered and go there overly confident. This is what happens. I definitely still would.

Photo credit: Instragram

Richard Simmons Is Still Alive

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

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Richard Simmons is supposedly not dead. Someone called the police to report he is being elderly abused at the hands of a grizzly bear. It’s called party time and his safe word is kale. Whatever the spurned lover’s motivation, Simmons is doing fine although he is unfortunately still Richard Simmons. I’m so glad I didn’t spend my whole life Jazzercising. Turns out you’re miserable in the end anyway. May as well have a drink in your hand. He will be missed.

Kanye West Is Humbled

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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Some autistic guy approached Kanye West and asked him to sign a photo of Kim Kardashian which had his crusted jizz on it. Embarrassingly enough the photo was from one of her weddings which got poor ratings and West refused to sign it. It’s a precarious situation. Nobody likes to think about Kris Humphries banging your wife or even playing basketball. If it’s any consolation they probably never fucked anyways. Normally I’d find this situation awkward. You don’t want to think about the other dicks your wife has had in her. It averages between 7.5 and 402 but Kim’s obviously higher on the curve. When there’s an easily accessible video of your lovely bride being bent over in good lighting it must be all the more difficult. If his marriage is real he should down some pills and finally pull the trigger.

Photo Credit: Youtube.com 

Carl’s Junior Chick Gets It (VIDEO)

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

The chick whose tits are made of waterbeds got liquored up and made me fall in love with her again. She says she actually eats at Carl’s Jr. but I’m willing to believe she’s a sexy liar. Whatever works. I’m not paying attention just turn the fan on. To be beautiful and mildly retarded must be fantastic. I’ve only experienced half of it but it’s not terrible. That All Natural burger sounds pretty good. God I would take her ass to Wendy’s. Read to your kids.

Video Credit: TMZ

Taylor Swift Is Good Wool

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Swift

Taylor Swift is on vacation in Maui with three reasonably hot chicks that she paid to come along with so she’d look normal. I really thought this only happened in the movies. It’s not clear at which point some grizzly guy with a machete will start offing them one by one once they accidentally stumble into a cave. I hope they can avoid the situation but the stats don’t lie. God I bet they tried those bathing suits on in front of each other whilst giggling. Swift obviously told the girls they’d have to share the suite because it was the last room in the house before breaking out the black Sharpie. That faked phone call is getting me all hot and bothered. It’s the slow season. These young women are thirty margaritas and a Skinemax away from the best thing that’s ever happened to them. How much are tickets, it’s worth a shot in the dark. What happens in Maui stays in the 808. Spread ‘em.

Photo Credit: Instagram