By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 11:12 AM
Hey, Akram, you just sacked Mosul, what are you going to do next?
I’m slicing off Iraqi girl clits. Okay, yes, at Disneyworld.
Islamic radicals seem really into desecrating, beating, and mutilating women. It’s a weird obsession seen more commonly in ritualistic serial killers profiled on Dateline NBC specials.
According to reports, those new ISIS Islamists taking over Iraq have ordered that all Iraqi women between the ages of 11 and 46 report to the nearest Mosul Starbucks for genital mutilation. If you’re 47 or over, you’re grandmothered into your clit. Congratulations. Though you’re still not allowed to have sex or touch yourself without sentence of death for seven lifetimes. Many on the ground are claiming this ‘fatwa’ from ISIS might be a hoax planted in the media as Islamic Fundamentalists don’t typically practice Female Genital Mutilation, preferring to stick with the old standards of Honor Killings, Tire Burnings, Stonings, and giddily sending four-year old girls off to be deflowered on their wedding nights. Either way, the women under their regime are not being gifted dildos and pirated Adrien Zmed VHS tapes and told to flick it old school.
Just because women in Iraq are having their feet chopped off for being caught in open toed sandals doesn’t mean American women should shut the hell up about how sexy shoe ads in US Weekly are barbaric. But they should certainly consider that option.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 10:03 AM
As hip and cool as the days at Comic-Con, much like the Spring Break in Lauderdale or United Nations junkets, it’s what happens after the sun goes down that really defines the craziness. Seventeen virgin males assembled at the Sin City 2 party to witness girls bussed in from Tijuana at five bucks a head to dance with pasties on their tits. Fat Wonder Woman was there again. There are actually over 2,000 Fat Wonder Women at Comic-Con so this may not be the same one. It does seem to be the superhero of choice for the women who’ve come to be comfortable with how God and Haagen-Dazs made them. After the hookers danced, a donkey was brought up on stage and in a surprise twist, went down on one of the girls. El burro es un animal majestuoso IGN later passed out Magic The Gathering cheats and diet Yoo-hoos and everybody was tucked in by 9:30 at the Marriott. Comic-Con is the best of us.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 9:31 AM
The long-awaited Love Magazine is out with photos of Kendall Jenner covering her tits with her elbows. I don’t actually know anybody who was waiting for this precisely, but long-awaited makes everything but taking a leak sound better. Kendall is featured on the cover as the American Girl, which makes sense, since she is technically American. Also, in a recent poll where people were asked to use one word to describe Kendall, American came in 1,057th, just ahead of well-reasoned and just behind furrypoptartslut. I don’t begrudge the British Love Magazine for their nonsensical labeling of American girls. We here still believe all British girls are shrieking harpies with Cockney accents and bad teeth. Though our misconceptions are actually true. The idea that Kendall Jenner is being pushed as the typical American around the world simply means we have no shame, we are coming for your money, and there’s little you can do to resist. That’s kind of bad-ass actually. Whore are better than tanks.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Depending upon your tolerance for the drink in the middle of the day, you can enjoy yourself checking out the cosplay girls at the world’s largest convention of nerds, geeks, fanboys and the even smarter people who take their money. Girls with chub rub in homemade superhero costumes tend to do better around 1:17 am at Halloween parties, but Comic-Con is like a starved trout pond of horny dudes with paunches. These ravenous male fish have spent the past year holed up in their basement apartments giving their credit card numbers to hot married MILFs in their neighborhood who pop-undered on their browsers. The amount of ejaculate uncontrollably spewed inside comfort fit Dockers at Comic-Con is in quantity enough to fill John Travolta’s bathtub. And don’t think he’s not imagining that. Go nerds. Wander purgatory.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
The third most notable member of the Fugees is fighting a court battle to keep his child support payments down. Pras currently pays his baby’s mama $3,000 dollars a month in child support which is enough money to support a child, just not a child and his occasionally working mother. Angela Severiano claims she needs more money because she lives in a shitty apartment in Manhattan. That’s like complaining about making the league minimum in the NBA. Last I heard, the price of a one bedroom in Manhattan could get you a 12-bedroom house in Atlanta with view, or the entire Sheraton in Detroit.
In court papers, Severiano claimed that Pras is “fighting against his own son’s well being”. The kid is four and has grown out of most of his baby jewelry. Severiano wants Pras to pay enough for the child to grow up in the standard luxury of a bastard rapper baby. That’s not even counting outlier bastard rapper babies like North West whose OPEX is about $47,000 a month. In the end, this will get settled in some crass and crude dollars and sense manner, while we are all left to ponder if it’s really possible for love to take hold between a rapper and a chick he bare backed on the side for a while he was heavy on the purple drank.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 7:39 AM
Insane Clown Posse’s record label is being sued by a former female employee and the evidence in the case includes a glass dildo owned by Kid Rock. Andrea Pellegrini claims she was sexually harassed by some guy who worked at the label named Dirty Dan Diamond. Dirty Dan found out Andrea had broken up with her boyfriend so he gave her a glass dildo because that move has a tremendous success rate over time. When she refused the glass shlong, he gave it to Kid Rock because Kid Rock is always an afterthought. The dildo is now being subpoenaed for the case so prosecutors can wave it dramatically in front of the postal workers and retired teachers and Honduran unaccompanied minors who comprise our jury pools. Given its connection to the ICP organization the dildo is probably covered with enough rapey bodily fluids to re-open dozens of cold cases. Unless of course it’s been corrupted by Kid Rock’s saliva. Everybody is publicly rooting for Andrea to win her legal case while secretly acknowledging that women who work for the Insane Clown Posse deserve to be molested.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Some unknown comic named Brando Murphy filed a defamation lawsuit against Eddie Murphy for $50 million dollars for telling everybody that Brando wasn’t his son, just one super unfunny motherfucker who should be working the guacamole scooper at Chipotle. For some time now, Brando has been showing up at the Coffee Beans where Eddie hangs out screaming aloud that Eddie is his father. He probably has plans to kill Eddie and conjugal with his hot young blond girlfriend. I can’t blame him on that last one. Well, those last two.
Brando says he is a comedian and performed on something called ‘The Sons Of Comedy Tour’, which was neither comedy nor a tour, but did feature Richard Pryor’s actual son selling his soul for Steel Reserve money. Brando claims his ‘management’ told him to file the lawsuit, because imaginary managers are extremely litigious. Eddie Murphy has been very careful to distance himself from riffraff, save for the ones who wear a wig and gobble his knob like no woman ever could. Thankfully, this story ends rather happily with Brando Murphy now agreeing to drop the frivolous lawsuit and focus on his main passions of stalking and harassment.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 6:13 AM
The NFL suspended Ravens running back Ray Rice two games for knocking out his fiancee and dragging her by her hair. The pair have since married because when you can fell your lady with one punch, it’s like pulling Excalibur from the stone, it’s preordained that she’s your bitch. Rice is now in an intensive treatment program that tells people not to knock their fiancees completely unconscious because hair dragging is very caveman and looks shitty on security cameras. Apparently the 130 pound chick was not so innocent, which the Ravens made sure to Tweet out of faieness:
“Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.”
The Ravens followed up by clarifying the Sandusky kids played a role in their rape assaults as well by taking showers after practice. Two games for beating the shit out of a girlfriend seems light in a league where you get harsher suspensions for smoking weed or taking the steroids your team doctor is throwing in your back window under cover of darkness. The lesson here is to stay away from running backs. Short guys with thick legs have bad tempers. I know you think that’s a generalization, but when you look around at the guys you know like this, you’ll see I’m right. It’s God’s way of tipping you off to make your exit when that mini-Mac truck starts drinking.