Michael Buble Did Something Wrong

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

BUBLE

Michael Buble drew the ire of Internet vigilantes when he posted a photo of himself and acknowledged the chick accidentally captured behind him was walking around town with her ass hanging out of her shorts:

“There was something about this photo lu [his wife] too , that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami #picoftheday #beautifulbum”

Multiple sticks in the mud accused Buble of body shaming, which is dubious since he’s actually being complimenting her ass to the point of being pervy. Anyone not confident in their body doesn’t leave the house like that and it would take a smear campaign backed by David Miscavige to shake this lady’s body love. She likely posted a photo of her rump to Twitter before leaving the house. Other confused angry people chimed in about privacy violations but a crash course in understanding what you’re talking about before you say it will rapidly clear up any legal issues. When you’re in public you can be photographed. If a photo is going to upset you, perhaps you should stop doing whatever you are doing to draw attention to yourself. I still feel bad about that time I was juggling torches in the park and had to have that Mexican family deported when their youngster snapped a pic on his flip phone. This isn’t a bearded lady. She picked out the shorts. Same rule goes for the dude on the bus with a boner in his sweats or those news stories on obesity which show fat people from behind. Everyone’s fair game. Except chicks in booty shorts. When will their persecution end? Fucking Buble.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rihanna Relaxes Ass

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Rihanna

Rihanna took a Hawaiian vacation and spent most of the time taking photos of herself and captioning them with explanations about what a good time she was having although it has been proven difficult to actually rage with a phone in front of your face. I fondly remember the times I’ve had getting black out drunk with trained dolphins yet I don’t recall posting any updates to my live feed. There’s a paradox. When you’re really partying, there’s no documentation. Hence weird shots like this where Rihanna flags down a grounds crew guy to take a shutter series of her ass crack. It’s important for her future children to realize Rihanna did indeed relax on vacation when she wasn’t cropping, editing, and captioning the photos of it. For example her battery died at the airport and she enjoyed a Corona with some egg salad. Unfortunately we will never have definitive proof. That’s what legends are made of.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Batman vs. Superman Dawn of Justice Trailer (VIDEO)

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 12:31 PM

Batman_vs_Superman_Dawn_of_Justice

We don’t get many coherent letters. J.R. noted we have had lousy tits today so why not show the leaked Batman vs. Superman trailer. I have no good answer for rhetorical questions. Best guess is a Peruvian on $5 Insanity busted into a screening room and captured the trailer on his cell phone. He was later arrested and sent to the soccer stadium you don’t come home from. The trailer was supposed to come out Monday, but tech nerd is the new strong so it was inevitable this shit would get pilfered early. As a summary, two hot brooding dudes in capes and latex wrestle until one surrenders. If you can’t wait a year for the movie to come out, visit the gayest bar in your vicinity on any given Saturday to witness the same in a cage. Take that, Taliban. We win.

Jaime King Can’t Stop

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 12:06 PM

Jaime King Wears See Through Dress While Pregnant
Jaime King just can’t get over the fact that some unhappy dudes on the Internet say means things to women about their bodies. I relate to the feeling. I once read a post from this guy in Indiana who claimed Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars film. I couldn’t sleep for weeks knowing that tidal wave of thought was out there. King could take into consideration that some small slice of every population just outright sucks, but then she’d have nothing to tout in Elle magazine about gestational shaming:

Nobody’s standing up to say this is wrong. Pregnancy is very sacred and important moment in someone’s life. [But] the fact is that nobody should be body shamed. Nobody should be torn apart for being too thin or too fat or too this or too that.”

One percent of people on social media are writing plainly nasty comments. Four percent are chanting Death to America and posting beheading photos with LOLs. Ten percent are posting pictures of cats. The vast majority are still vegetable like sycophants who will give you a ‘go girl’ just for re-hashing empty slogans. You’re going to be fine. I mean, maybe order a sandwich or something. You are eating for one now. Body shamed!

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez in A Bikini

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 11:12 AM

Selena Gomez Bikini In Mexico
There’s a new directive for female celebrities posting online. Social statement or get the fuck out. Gender pay gap, rape culture, and body shaming are the trending three right now.Selena Gomez tap danced into body shaming, posting pictures of herself looking in a bikini and declaring:

I love being happy with me yall #theresmoretolove.

Adopting black culture is a shonda, but appropriating BBW culture seems to be cool. There’s more of you to love? You weigh ninety pounds wet. Not soaking wet, just intimately moist, as I imagine you to be when taking selfies of your fine body and pretending you’re a suffragette. Somebody needs to remind the pretty girls that they don’t do student council. They do cheerleading. You start fucking with the natural order and you’re left with chaos. The captain of the football team sleeps with the fat girl on oboe and the earth will go dystopian faster than you can say popular teen novel series. Let’s walk those hashtags back to #BikiniFuckable and we’ll actually be moving forward.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Coco and Sister Lock Pubes

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 9:39 AM

Coco Bikini Yoga
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be aroused by this flesh formation or bring it to New York in chains for an open air circus that wildly threatens public safety. I have to admire the sister on the bottom for her strength and steadiness. Also her willingness to contract crabs. This routine is one midget in a devil costume away from genius.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Blackmen SSX Tribute Magazine

Rue Nails Miley Cyrus for Robbing Black Culture

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

Miley Cyrus Hiking In A Sports Bra
The chick who played Rue, the cute as a button black girl destined to die in a tear jerking scene in the first Hunger Games, created a video criticizing Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and other whiteys for misappropriating black culture:

In 2013, Miley Cyrus twerks and uses black women as props, and then in 2014, in one of her videos called This Is How We Do, Katy Perry uses Ebonics and hand gestures and eats watermelons while wearing cornrows, before cutting inexplicably to a picture of Aretha Franklin. So as you can see, cultural appropriation was rampant.

Rue, teen actress Amanda Sternberg, also notes Kesha, Madonna, and Taylor Swift routinely dress and draw content and visuals straight from typically black culture. But then, so what? If cornrows, grills, gang signs, and twerking gets you mega cash in 2015, of course people are going to steal it for themselves. I’m sure crunchy organic farmers are pissed that mega agri-corps are now labeling their products organic as well by the narrowest of margins, but that’s because that’s what sells on the shelves. If Kesha stuck to white people shit like eating liverwurst sandwiches and fearing sex she’d still be living in her car reeking of urine. Thanks to adopting black culture, only one of those things is true.

The fact that traditionally black cultural elements are super popular among white suburban mall kids should be a good thing. These crackers think hip hop is their ticket to acceptance. The Kardashians will only meld with black men. I understand that’s embarrassing as shit, but frame it as racial progress rather than cultural identify theft and you’ll be a much happier person. They’re still going to make the black characters die first in sci-fi movies. We’re not all the way home yet.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The Japanese Never Disappoint (VIDEO)

By Matt April 17, 2015 @ 7:38 AM

JPA

There is a Japanese game show called Sing If You Can where guys sing karaoke while getting jerked off from behind a curtain. The goal is apparently to sing half way decent while you’re preparing to spooge. Actually, like all Japanese game shows, the goal is to hear lots of giggling and see ashamed faces. For the supremely uninhibited contestants sometimes the chicks will use their feet. I’m not much of a foot job man myself but I could do without this woman staring at me like I’m putting the finishing touches on a sculpture while she’s working the pump action. The Japanese are indeed an industrious people. Sometimes they invent new automotive technologies but it’s in the field of bizarre public ritualistic sex acts their true genius really shines. It’s tempting to call them TV retarded but we live in a country where people pay premium rates to see Lena Dunham topless taking a dump. Don’t throw stones in a glass house. Dudes will do anything for a free hand job. Lionel Richie was a visionary.