By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
I don’t wish death on anybody. That’s some necromancer karma you don’t want bouncing back. But I do gamble on it. Tara Reid has been eating up space in my 2014 celebrity death pool since January 1. The Sharknado resurrection seemed a setback, but seeing Tara exit the plane in Australia I’ve started easing into my winnings. Tara’s traveled to Australia presumably to trek out into the Outback until kangaroos feast on her desiccated carcass. It’s a Circle of Life ending her agent convinced her was her best career option. After a few weeks of tribute songs, Jedward will Segway along her path of Wasabi peas and retrieve her sun bleached remains. Something to display at the Turnpike Rest Area to be named in her honor.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:24 AM
Every cast member who wasn’t killed during the production of the original Crow reassembled at a crappy theater at midnight in L.A. to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the film’s original release. The Crow is s mostly known for Bruce Lee’s son taking a bullet fragment from a gun supposedly filled with blanks and dying during production. Conspiracies about ancient Chinese Kung-Fu mobsters taking him out with the dark arts was far more entertaining than the goth comic movie itself. Bai Ling was in the original. I think she was like fifty then. Which makes seeing her tits at this 20th anniversary screening somewhat impressive. You could do worse than imitating her health regimen. Or her appreciation for the adult Halloween haunted house miming arts.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:07 AM
Every five to ten years, Bono and Gay Beethoven and Bob Geldof and whoever’s hot in the British pop music scene spend another few hours re-recording the exact same fucking song to cure the latest African hardship. It started thirty years ago with Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas?, an ensemble recording designed to heal Ethiopia of being one super crappy place to live. Fifty million radio plays later, Ethiopia is still a shit hole. For Band Aid 30, it’s Ebola. The boys from One Direction are determined to snuff it out. They changed ‘feed the world’ to ‘heal the world’ which is short for can somebody please fucking buy the Congo some indoor plumbing already. If Ebola was feeling perhaps a bit over-confident what with Obama offering it red carpet welcomes in the U.S, and the fact that half of Sierra Leone still sees diarrhea as a potable liquid, this new Band-Aid recording ought to send shivers down its viral spine. You’re done, Ebola. This song cured famine in sub-Saharan Sudan, turned Haiti into a thriving economic juggernaut, and it’s going to flush Ebola right down Santa’s crapper.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Solange Knowles finally married the much older music video director she’s been dating for several years. The couple threw an intricately planned New Orleans wedding that involved everything from a pantomimed re-creation of the levees breaking during Katrina to 50,000 local school children being bused to the Super Dome to serenade Solange with some of her more famous songs that nobody’s ever heard. It’s nice to see Solange finally getting out of the shadow of her more popular and talented and better looking sister. Solange and her tits seemed particularly pleased to be the center of attention for something other than her hair falling out in two fisted clumps or beating up Jay Z in an elevator. Every girl deserves to be a princess on their wedding day. There’s plenty of time for punches and shrill recriminations after the guests have gone home.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 8:59 AM
Kendall Jenner is further proof that high school is a big waste of time for pretty girls. I don’t mean that one sort of good looking girl in AP Chem, I mean the vast majority of girls who God made tall and slender and good looking then decided that was enough with the gifts. What was Kendall going to do with the California high school experience of Algebra and seventeen annual events honoring obscure Mexican folk heroes? Maybe she rises to cash register level permission at the Forever 21. Without high school, she’s authored a dystopian landscape sci-fi book series for girls and now is the face of Estee Lauder:
“She is the ultimate instagirl, and we are excited to leverage her image, voice, energy and extraordinary social media power to introduce Estée Lauder to millions of young women around the world.” — Estée Lauder Global Brand President Jane Hertzmark Hudis
I don’t even know what instagirl means other than some chick with a big title and three names saying it means Kendall just got paid. For all her various faults and epic levels of Satanic evil, Kris Jenner knows her children well. She isn’t raising Stephen Hawkings. If her girls end up in a wheelchair, it’s time to roll them to the glue factory and close out the books. If Kendall Jenner serves no greater purpose than to convince the best looking girls to forgo a basic education she will have done more good than most.
Photo Credit: Estee Lauder
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 6:01 AM
Australian Today Show host Karl Stefanovic wore the same Burberry styled blue suit for an entire year just to prove that nobody gives a shit what anchor men wear on morning television while the same viewers regularly critique the women. Karl could’ve spent a year helping the Sydney homeless or pumping birdshot into those cane toads ruining the Outback, but wearing the same suit for a full year just felt like the perfect women’s studies thesis statement.
No one has noticed; no one gives a shit. Women are judged much more harshly and keenly for what they do, what they say and what they wear.
Excellent work, Karl. You’ve spent a year proving something we already knew. What Karl failed to highlight was that the entirety of superficial criticisms of his female co-host came from female viewers. Which proves two things. Women shit sexism for breakfast and Karl looks pretty fucking spectacular in that blue suit. Enough to flick your bean to while emailing nasty comments about that stupid whore in her new stupid fucking outfit Perhaps it’s time to prove the theory of gravity by dropping something dangerously heavy on your head.
By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 2:03 PM
Any man who rapes a woman deserves a bullet to the back of the head. Rape, date rape, forcing yourself on an eager beaver teen actress who agrees to hang out in your hotel room to learn the craft. Still wrong. As a general rule, if you have to drug a girl, just assume you’re doing something that deserves that bullet.
Barbara Bowman claims she was drugged and raped by Bill Cosby back in the 1980′s when he pretended to be her mentor, you know like successful guys in their 40′s do with attractive teenaged models and actresses. Whether or not she knew going by herself to man’s hotel room late night was a bad idea is relatively moot. Even the shockingly naive don’t deserve a Jell-O pudding pop forced up their hiney.
Barbara Bowman wants to know why nobody ever took her claims seriously, while now thirty years later everybody is finally labeling Cosby a rapist only after a Philly standup made Cosby is a rapist jokes onstage:
Only after a man, Hannibal Buress, called Bill Cosby a rapist in a comedy act last month did the public outcry begin in earnest.
She put ‘man’ in italics. That seemed like an unnecessary feminist reflex. Had other alleged victim Andrea Constand gone through with her accusations of roofie rape by Cosby back in 2004, you can bet it would have been a monster media story. Nancy Grace would’ve shit her pants and left it sitting there throughout the trial. But Constand took a suitcase full of cash and and a non-disclosure agreement instead so everything quieted down
I don’t doubt that especially thirty years ago it was difficult for a teen girl to get people to believe the beloved Dr. Huxtable raped her. Even more incredulous than the pastor dad from 7th Heaven made me touch his willy. But if I’m passing out unsolicited advice, take to heart the fact this predatory piece of shit is finally getting what’s due. It’s not what should’ve happened three decades ago, but not everybody gets to live to see justice served in any manner. That goes for man and woman.
By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 12:57 PM
Inserting yourself into a controversy that doesn’t actually exist is a tried and true way of receiving media attention. Alyssa Milano is complaining about the outrage over her breastfeeding pictures on Instagram while Kim Kardashian can pose naked and nobody seems to care.
Wait! I don’t get it. No disrespect to Kim but… people are offended by my breastfeeding selfies & are fine with her (amazing) booty cover?
I’m not sure any of that is actually true. Nobody but Star Magazine reading outliers gives a shit about shaming breastfeeding women anymore. Repeatedly posting pictures of yourself breastfeeding, that’s going to draw some comments. Most especially when half the world knows you as that chick who sued the Internet to shutdown topless celebrity photos. This in contrast to Kim Kardashian who half the world knows as a shameless porn star who can suck cash out of a man’s wallet by drafting air into her open twat from fifty feet away. What are people supposed to express when she appears naked in magazines? Shock and awe and only a semi-erection?
I’m pretty sure Alyssa Milano just said this to get attention and now I’ve given it to her so I feel like a schmuck. I’m going to imagine sucking on her tit and lay myself down for a nap.