Russell Wilson and Ciara Edging

By Lex July 22, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

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Russell Wilson and Ciara decided Access Hollywood was as private as any place to announce they were not going to fuck each other until they were married. For Wilson this was a profoundly religious decision based on a conversation with a very important friend:

[Ciara] was on tour, and I was looking at her in the mirror, and God spoke to me. He said, ‘I need you to lead her.’ 

God is like that. He won’t remind you to hand the ball to Lynch up the middle for the ring, but he’s right there to deny you fornication with the hot chick who can fuck like a fiend. That’s the thing about faith. It tests you like a motherfucker.

Ciara admits it’s been tough to keep her hungry vagina free and clear of famous black guy cock for any length of time, but given that she just had the rapper Future’s baby and her twat is still healing from 50 Cent and Cam Newton back to back, an ice pack and some healing time might be the right call. So, like virginity, but the exact opposite. Wilson is quick to note it’s hard for him as well to keep his paws off his hot girlfriend, but that focusing on the upcoming season and hot male cock in his hands and mouth ease the burden. This should go well.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Chrissy Teigen Ass Shot

By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 8:01 AM

Tiegen

Chrissy Tiegen posted a photo of her ass which raises some questions. Who is the dude laying next to you and who took this picture? Why is that person wearing dungarees and you’re naked save for a bra jammed up your ass? That water looks choppy and I can see the goosebumps on your ass from the hull. Seems like you’re forcing it. We could either head down to the cabin and have some hot chocolate or make the captain film some anal on the deck. How long until the lawsuit? Head North to Portland this UVA is getting to be a bit much. Is she lounging or simply dead or cholera?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Fifty Cent Fake Rich

By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

Cent

Fifty Cent testified in court that he is broke and all his displays of wealth are total bullshit. He recently lost a lawsuit for posting a sex video of a woman online, and has been ordered to pay her $5 million. That was an expensive joke. While it’s clear that like most rappers and Donald Trump, Fifty’s wealth was all show, it’s still in his best interest to appear as broke as possible to delay paying his revenge porn victim. Still, your dad was right about these rappers:

“Those cars were rented… It’s like music videos, they say action and you see all these fancy cars but everything goes back to the dealership… I borrowed from the jeweler.”

He also claims to wear a Casio instead of a Rolex and never buys the fancy salad dressing. Still Fifty is no Alan Greenspan and in fact isn’t even Jewish and does occasionally splurge. He owns a 21 bedroom house in Connecticut and several Joseph A Bank suits because they’re buy 1 get the store for free. His lawyer is claiming his bank account is down to $1,737, although estimates put his net worth at around $5 million. You might just want to pay her, you’re looking like a real asshole. Even worse, a cheap asshole. Do we need a reservation at this Shakey’s? When’s happy hour?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Heidi Klum Looks Healthy

By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 6:12 AM

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42 year old bobble head Heidi Klum posed for her new line of intimates, perfect to slip on after a romantic evening of rice cakes and laxatives. Klum looks pretty good for her age if she were serving time for possession. You can boil life down to not getting fat and regular trips to the spa. That is if you host a TV show which pays you a million dollars a word to sit there and nod. Beyond that if you’re willing to survive on a diet of boiled water condensation you should be good to go. Stop licking the stove you’ve reached your limit. Do you need a spotter for those heels? Why did you buy this perverted novelty costume for the cat? These don’t fit have you been watching Skeletor’s reality show again? I thought intimate meant we take our clothes off. Why are you wasting money? Get this chick a neck brace. I definitely still would.

Photo Credit: HeidiKlumIntimates.com 

Khloe Kardashian Kocktails

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 12:36 PM

Khloe Kardashian Sheer Nipples
The FYI network, which is apparently an actual TV channel seen across the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and parts of Bakersfield, announced a Khloe Kardashian hosted talk show unlike anything that has ever been seen before on television, or the FYI network, or the universe:

The series [Kocktails] will feature regular celebrity guests and friends who will join Kim Kardashian’s younger sis in the kitchen and around the table for “an intimate dinner party filled with cooking, pop culture, conversation, and outrageously fun party games.

The family has tried to push their big shouldered mutt into opportunities of her own before and the results have been frightening. When Khloe froze up reading the teleprompter on the X-Factor it was like watching King Kong in the paparazzi lights right before busting out of his chains. I shit myself and those around me. Unless the outrageous party games include releasing her O.J. DNA test and power lifting, I’m sticking to the traditional Kardashian spinoffs. The morbidly obese have enough programming. More motorcycles on ice please.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Anna Kendrick Is An Enigma And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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I find Anna Kendrick perplexing. I can’t tell if she’s hot or not. Sometimes I want to ride her like the Cyclone in Coney Island and other times I am repulsed by her man chin. One day I will get to the bottom of this mystery.

Judge for yourself. (Popoholic)

Draya Michele’s titties are my new muse. (Busted Coverage)

Sandra Carolina wets her t-shirt/shows off her tits. (Egotastic All-Stars)

It’s not just Charlotte McKinney’s tits we love, it’s also her legs. (TMZ)

Rachel Hilbert models lingerie because it’s her job. (Drunken Stepfather)

But let’s talk about Olivia Wilde’s nipples. (Hollywood Tuna)

Who says nerd girls aren’t fuckable? (The Chive)

Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:59 AM

Lindsay Lohan Parties In A Bikini In Greece
Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn’t sound so idyllic when HSV’s one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre will be by on Tuesday. Next comes an air drop of Donatella Versace’s vivisected skin trimmings. There will be no passover.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Nausicaa Breaking Big

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

Nausicaa Red Hot Braless In Beverly Hills
By rough count this chick is only five more bottled water shoots away from affording decent dental care. It’s not enough just to stand in front of some stranger’s fancy car and tug your unwashed hair. You’re not in Minsk anymore. The big jugs are a start but that’s just your foundation. The town is crawling with foundation. Consider fucking a Duggar out of wedlock followed by an attempted suicide. And plates over implants if you’re planning on dating anybody abusive. God gave you a brain for a reason. Use it.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet