By Lex March 02, 2014 @ 11:20 PM
Maybe it was all the concern over the rain or staving off the they’re-not-all-Muslim terrorists, but Academy Awards security completely missed this chick strolling right down the red carpet at the Academy Awards tonight. She wasn’t all that hard to spot, given her bright blue dress, and the fact she was the only black person in attendance. A bluetooth alert should’ve fired off in some burly dude’s earpiece. Code black! Because they’re not so clever with their codes. But, no, nothing. If Ryan Seacrest hadn’t begun shaking and pointing, this woman of color could’ve smiled her way into Hollywood’s biggest night.
(Obviously, I’m kidding. This is Lupita Nyong’o. Black women portraying slaves have always had a waiver into the Oscars.)
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 7:51 PM
I get it. You’re being hurtled uncontrollably through space just like your subconscious is in turmoil over your daughter becoming another somber schoolyard tag statistic. It’s gravity that’s weighing you down woman. Holy fuck that would be a horrible movie to endure if you were blind. The Oscars are this weekend. The biggest worldwide circle jerk outside of a Peter Thiel cowboy chaps only party in SoHo. This is the weekend where people you couldn’t fucking stand in high school get the attention they’ve so desperately craved since childbirth. I can’t survive the Oscars. Technically, they’re not as bad a shit show as some of these other awards shows because they keep out the D-list riffraff, at least until the Kardashians break the gutter seal at the Al Jazerra post-Oscar party. There’s no other industry where people feel a need to be beloved so greatly for their special craft, such as it is. You won’t see plumbers taking dramatic pauses in between thanking their dead mom for believing they could swap out a sink trap. And we need plumbers. Soldiers don’t have an elaborate awards show. Army Ranger Leroy Petry got shot through both legs in Afghanistan, and when a subsequent grenade was tossed toward his team, he lurched out, grabbed it, and tossed it away as it exploded, blowing off his hand in the process. He got the Medal of Honor for being one crazy brave son of a bitch. No list of agents to thank. He didn’t say a word. Actors, emote, counter-emote, take your plump paychecks and your recreational opiates and shut the fuck up. Okay, fine, that was gratuitous.
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 6:01 PM
I can’t begin to pronounce this girl’s name. I bet if I were Lithuanian, I could speak it effortlessly and hold my potato-brewed liquor four times better. She’s a model currently dating Maxwell, whose name I can pronounce but I have little fucking clue who he is. I know he sings that song This Woman’s Work that becomes so falsetto at some point that the sperm in your epididymis actually begin to weep. I guess these two deserve each other. Actually, I deserve her, but Maxwell gets her because otherwise I’d be happy. We can’t have that.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 5:40 PM
The more expensive the clothes, the less they cover. Which makes sense, because you figure people who can afford a $2,000 outfit probably have the resources for a personal trainer or twenty bucks for a Vegan sprout salad at a place with variation of the word ‘Earth’ in the title. I’ve walked the streets of South Boston recently. You don’t want to see that crowd in slinky see-through ware. Burlington Coat Factory deserves a humanitarian award for developing jackets that cover all the way down to the cankles. In contrast, chicks who fly private jets to be at Paris Fashion week, they can’t afford to pack on an extra winter twenty. They’re forever on display. I don’t know what any of this has to do with Rihanna who was high as fuck and forgot to wear a bra in Paris. But I do get paid by the word. Word. Word.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 5:27 PM
Let’s concede the fact that Congressmen as a group are a swollen zit of incompetence, alcohol abuse, and petty ambition. Even the well-meaning Mr. Smiths quickly get assimilated into the polished turd of big dollar democracy. Largely a group of self-serving assholes. But even assholes don’t deserve a lecture from Seth Rogen on the importance of sitting through his presentation. Seth was in the capital city on behalf of an Alzheimer’s charity to give a pointed speech about how his mother-in-law thinks her shoes belong on her nose, thanks to early onset of the disease. It was perhaps the most entertaining several televised minutes in Washington since Mayor Berry got caught scoring the rock on camera. But, you don’t invite a Hollywood comedic actor to a Senate Committee for the deep science explanations. This isn’t a Roland Emmerich disaster pic.
After the fact, Seth got all pissy that most of the Senators came to snap their photo with him then either dozed off or didn’t stick around to hear the speech:
Two of them were falling asleep during the first part of the testimony, literally. I saw it happening, I think it is indicative of the mentality that we find so frustrating is that it seems to be low priority. It seems like these people don’t care. That’s the direct message they are giving by leaving during the testimony, is that they don’t care.
Okay, first, grow up. The percentage of people in this country who think that Congress cares about them is down to 12%. That’s the same percentage who believe Elvis is living in a basement prison deep beneath the Las Vegas strip. Don’t play the rube for sympathy points. Second, these same comb-overs voted to spend $350 billion this past year on non-Medicare related health spending. If money is how people in Washington show they care, and it is, they do care. Or they’re pretending to care so they don’t have to find real jobs. Same difference. Maybe cancer and The AIDS and finding a cure for the Hilton sisters blisters is given more money than Alzheimer’s. I don’t know. And maybe more money should be spent on Alzheimer’s, it’s pretty fucking horrid. But these geezers dozing and walking out on the hearing aren’t going to decrease the level of funding for Alzheimer’s research, in fact, this big media storm might just cause research funding to increase. But, then, you knew that, didn’t you, Seth Rogen?
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 4:12 PM
George Lopez has been working way too hard. His fourth eponymously titled TV show is about to debut on FX, with the hope that this time somebody non-Hispanic in America will chuckle. He’s also still working the stand-up circuit, the esteemed casino tour in Canada, where last night after his show he felt the need for a brief respite on the floor of the Windsor Caesar’s Casino. Many passerby’s noticed that he was heavily intoxicated, including men with badges who hauled him away, but I’m assuming they just don’t understand a creative genius’ need for sudden naps. I bet right now George is fashioning some epic knee-slappers about Mexicans trying to sleep in Canadian casino lobbies. That’ll earn him three more TV shows playing himself. Maybe his ex-wife will donate him her second kidney. Ay, mami! That lovable scamp.
Photo credit: Chad Maura/Twitter
By Jack February 28, 2014 @ 3:52 PM
Two men were arrested in Herkimer, NY for covering themselves in Jell-O and videotaping themselves fucking cows. Apparently, Reid Fontaine and Michael Jones had been calling on the slutty cows on the Herkimer dairy farm for a while. The farmer was concerned that his cows had stopped producing milk and he decided to set up a camera to find out why. Little did he know that two guys were making love to his cows for some cattle diddling fetish website. The assaulted heifer ran off into the street and was struck by a car. I guess it just couldn’t live with the trauma. The farmer called the cops and the local news station arrived and caught the guy in the act. The two men were arrested and are charged with criminal misconduct, animal abuse, and acting like a couple of NBA players. The reporter said,
“Now when we arrived, one of the men was actively having sex with the cow. His friend who was videotaping the act took off as soon as he seen us arrive. Now we can’t show you that video because the man was naked and covered in Jell-O, however we can show you the video of the aftermath.”
I like to think of myself as a modern man when it comes to sex. Meaning, I’ll do pretty much anything a hot girl asks me to do. But, so far, watching bestiality while getting it on hasn’t come up yet. Is there some secret underground market there for Jell-O coated cow fucking fetish videos? If so, shouldn’t that progressive Duke Freshman be seeking to unionize Guernseys in the adult sex business? Do you see how confusing nasty sex can be? I’m sure this news story will get much tighter when Dick Wolf pretends it’s not the basis for his next episode of Law & Order: SVU.
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:
It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.
I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:
She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.
A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.
Photo Credit: Splash