By Lex August 20, 2015 @ 2:53 PM
I’d never tell a woman how to dress. If I did, I’d tell her to dress like this. If you notice how greasy her face is you’re probably sexually fluid and should consider spending more on belts. This Owen Wilson movie has all the makings of a film that one guy you really hate at work will tell you he loved. Again, focus on the tits. You’re not in David Geffen’s treehouse. You still need to pretend.
Photo Credit: Getty/PacificCoastNews
By Lex August 20, 2015 @ 10:58 AM
According to people trying to sell magazines next to impulse buy Snickers, Kylie Jenner is pregnant with her older rapper boyfriend’s baby. It’s not a complete shot in the dark as he’s been fucking her brains out since before he had to leave the country to do so legally. This is where babies come from. Insidious black men and innocent white girls. I’ve read the Klan reports. In contrast, HollywoodLife which has never had a named source in its entire history of existence, is reporting exclusively that Kylie Jenner is in fact, not with child:
“Kylie doesn’t want to get pregnant anytime soon, she is obsessed with how her body looks and would like nothing more to have Tyga enjoy it, but not enjoy it too much and give King Cairo a brother or sister”
It’s hard to know whether an uneducated teen in love will try to get that baby or not fuck up her tits so her old man can keep splooging her face from betwixt. Khloe and Kim Kardashian are apparently constantly lecturing Kylie Jenner on safe sex, which in the Kardashian family consists of Diet Dr. Pepper douches and a coat hanger maneuvered in a figure eight in utero because there’s no way your rapper is wearing a condom. This would all be kind of sick if it was happening to somebody you cared about.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 20, 2015 @ 9:08 AM
When Rosie O’Donnell’s seventeen year old daughter Chelsea went missing from their Nyack, New York home she knew her daughter was running off to meet some sweet talking dude in Jersey she met on Tinder. That is why 99% of seventeen year old girls take off from their homes. O’Donnell was savvy enough to share this factoid with the authorities and where this guy might be living, allowing the cops to find her in pretty short order and embarrass her back home. To the public, O’Donnell declared her daughter missing, off her meds, and suffering from a sympathetic mental illness. It’s certainly a more Twitter friendly story than Chelsea hates nutso mom and her revolving door of wives and she’s taking off to get her own vagina romanced. Just going to get laid by a guy qualifies as mentally ill in O’Donnell’s frame of reference. Yes, doctor I pay in cash, I said she dreams of straight men and cock. Now get her on some benzos before she hurts herself. This is tough love. God forbid there’s a natural conception in this family. Who took my Whoopi dildo? My daughter is missing again? Fuck. I need to vlog.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex August 20, 2015 @ 8:45 AM
Gawker spent considerable time and money wedding through the thirty million plus Ashley Madison records to find anybody famous. It’s not exactly journalism, but journalism’s redheaded stepchild, gotcha. They produced Josh Duggar. I hope for Gawker’s sake they’re holding onto something bigger, maybe Hulk Hogan, if the can afford the settlement. People who hate Josh Duggar for being a Conservative activist seized the moment to point out that Mr. Traditional Family Values was trying to cheat on his wife. That’s fresh if you’ve missed the last thirty years of cable news and the Huffington Post. In actual news, Duggar was outed as a child molester earlier this year by a magazine with a real story.
Child diddling trumps fucking around with fake chicks online, which apparently thirty-two million people were trying to do just with this one website alone. Cops don’t bust a serial killer holding a joint and charge him with twelve capital murders plus misdemeanor possession of weed. Jared Fogle wasn’t charged with possessing child porn, having sex with minors, and straying from his diet on Anything Goes Sundays. Nobody should really care if somebody you’ve never met is trying to cheat on their spouse. Everybody should care if some fucker is molesting kids and getting away with it. It’s not the douchery that kills you, Tweeters, it’s the hypocrisy. For the record, how’d you do with the grown women, Duggar? Reality TV can’t be killed, or even contained.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
Nicki Minaj’s wax figure at Madame Tussauds in Vegas behaves a lot like it’s namesake in that it shows little emotion and is continually railed by strangers. Tons of people are posing inappropriately with the figure because it’s fucking hilarious. I still want to know what you’re doing in a wax museum but if you’re paying thirty bucks to look at wax people you’d better at least get a nut off. In a move that is clearly another black eye for America, the business is now forced to have security monitoring the figure and is looking into ways to stop people from humping it. Perhaps a lifelike scent would do the trick. Rapper Azalea Banks took to Twitter to voice her disapproval:
“As much as that woman has accomplished, they had to put her on all fours… Why not standing up with a mic in her hand? All people are gonna do is go up to that statue and take pictures shoving their crotch in her face and putting their crotch on her butt.”
Just like real life. Banks is right, but missing the point. Minaj is known almost solely for crawling around with her swollen bare ass arched into the air in a display of sexual presentation. That’s the point of a wax museum, to make it look real. And to jizz on the statues when 5-0 is on break.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 7:28 AM
Lamar Odom is about two steps away from burning an effigy on Khloe Kardashian’s lawn before cutting himself and being led away in a straightjacket with bad poetry falling out of his pockets. The conflict the two had in the parking lot of Khloe’s gym where she stores her dried meats in a locker appears to be set up at the hands of Khloe or Lamar or both. Khloe has begun taking dick from a homeless dirty needle user, the NBA’s James Harden, yet Lamar isn’t ready to move on:
“She’s [my] soul mate. I can’t control it. We’ll never part. I would never consider myself serious with another woman. To sum it up, if a man is attempting to court Khloe, he’s probably wasting his time.”
Maybe wasting his time buying her a drink before immediately railing her in a rented Humvee. Dog, it looks like you two are broken up. A clear indication is that this is on the record, yet circumstantially, she’s fucking other dudes and you’re in the midst of a nervous breakdown which isn’t sexy and comes off as pathetic and therefore won’t work. This is where you move on because you’re not R Kelly and are probably not even gay. Go fuck a stripper. You’ll feel worse but it passes the time.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 6:32 AM
Subway removed a game from their website called Jared’s Pants Dance which allowed kids to use the now admitted pedophile’s pants to catch sandwiches to score points. Next time you feel like judging the Japanese take a look around. Jared may have lost 200 pounds eating sandwiches but that just goes to show that he is a grotesque enough man to lose 200 pounds by eating sandwiches. His body is an American flag with no wind. He’s not a picture of health to be aspired to, and his pants have caught reams of donuts and underage tail. Enough kids have played around with Jared’s pants. It’s time for him to sit in the pokey, preferably while playing Ray Rice’s Punch Out where kids learn the value of bringing their drunken spouses a sandwich or else. I know Fogle just got busted, but it was obvious what he was into. Look at his face. What the fuck, Subway? Eat fresh dick.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 1:21 PM
I’m pretty sure Matt date raped me while I was sleeping off a bender just prior to the taping of the fourteenth episode of the Last Men on Earth podcast. Now I know what people mean when they say the shame is too great to report the crime. At some point I’ll light his bed on fire while he’s in it. What Would Farrah Fawcett Do?
In this week’s audio episode, we discuss why James Harrison might be a dick, confess what it’s really like to have sex with large women, and use the word cunt-face so many times that I had to lie and tell my mom we didn’t tape a new show this week. It’s one thing when your friends ask you when your son is going to get a real job, quite another when they call him a dirty potty mouth.
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Please comment and subscribe to the show on iTunes. For show contact: LastMenPodcast@gmail.com or LastMenPodcast on Twitter.