By Travis December 04, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
At one point in this nation’s great history, women didn’t get much hotter than Jessica Simpson, as she shook her ass and squeezed her tits together to make us forget that Dukes of Hazzard was a poisoned queef of a movie. But then she decided that she wanted to do the whole family thing so she quit acting and making music, and along with her career in entertainment went her ridiculous body that even her own father couldn’t help talking about. Jessica was back in action last night, though, as she attended the Footwear News Achievement Awards (that’s a real thing, I swear to God) and even though she looked about as comfortable as Obama at an NRA rally, you’ve got to give Jessica credit for trying to recapture her long lost glory.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 1:02 AM
I admire people who embrace their own bad press. Like when the high school girl mislabeled a slut by her jealous classmates decides, what the hell, I’ll just screw the whole football team. Or when Carmelo Anthony gets ribbed for putting up thirty shots in a single game, so the next night he launches thirty-five. Lady Gaga has taken a lot of garbage about her being a secret dude. Which if you knew how hard she worked to keep her man junk tucked behind her clamped legs, you’d realize is pretty damn disrespectful. To embrace the trash talk, Lady Gaga drew a mustache on her face, let her beaver grow out, and put a scorpion on her tit for the tranny culture magazine, Candy. There’s a lot you can take away from this provocative photo. What struck me is how I really need to stop thinking that there’s no possible way Lady Gaga could make herself less attractive.
Photo credit: Steven Klein/Candy magazine
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 6:59 PM
You’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Similarly, you’ve got to snatch up a few dead fish if you’re going to do a novel eco-campaign to save the fish. The folks at FishLove.com are pretty certain industrial fishing is wiping out the ocean’s swimmers. I have no idea if they’re right or not. But they got Gillian Anderson to pose naked with a fucked up looking conger eel around her neck. That’s got to count for something. There’s a whole bunch of photos too with dudes and their bare chubs pressed up against groupers but I could barely contain my salty-tears staring at just the womenfolk. I don’t know if this campaign will work or not to raise the public consciousness. I do know that it’s no simple task to get rotten fish smell off of your junk. But it’s cool. Aimee had nice qualities about her as well.
Photo Credit: Denis Rourve/Fishlove
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 6:26 PM
I say Oktoberfest with a ‘k’ because as somebody who has made out with a zoftig unfiltered Camel chain smoking older German woman before in a Munich beer garden, I’ve earned the right to be authentic. But not nearly authentic as this angry drunk Alaskan chick who seemed unpleased with being messed with by a Australian boy band looking mofo. She threw a couple moose punches which didn’t seem to phase him, so she followed up with the traditional severing off of his lower lip with her demon teeth. It’s all kind of surreal. Like when Tyson bit off Holyfield’s lobe or the Buccaneers won a Super Bowl. It still seems like it never happened for real. But this shit did. And should serve as a reminder to all young people that unsafe sex is still much safer than fucking with a drunk girl from Alaska.
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 4:54 PM
First you get the money then the power then the women. Or something like that that explains how the fuck a guy like Sidney Crosby gets to bang a girl like Kathy Leutner and pretend it’s natural law. It seems greedy to get paid millions to get to spend your adult life playing sports, get the houses and the cars, the adoration of millions of people who have no idea who you are, and then still get to plow crazy hot models when the day is done. Getting out of speeding tickets and having teenaged date rape charges swept under the rug ought to be enough. But, no. Fuck that sounded petty.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 4:15 PM
If you’ve got nothing planned for this week’s paycheck, why not get yourself a Paris Hilton handbag. It’s perfect for the shingles-ridden socialite on the go. Fur lined pouches for keeping your Valaciclovir warm and secret compartments for stashing your cocaine guaranteed to get you past most European customs officials provided you fly private jet. It also has the word Rouge written on it both forward and backwards, which is some pretty advanced graphics that not just any preteen Indonesian factory girl can sew. Ask yourself this: what have I done lately to make Paris Hilton money? Exactly. Get on this shit.
Photo Credit: Paris Hilton/Instagram
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 3:31 PM
Wheel of Fortune is such a long running TV staple it’s become untouchable. So fuck Paul Walker’s death if they want to run The Fast and The Furious as a movie title the Monday after Walker’s tragic car crash. Maybe not quite as bad as when they ran Haiyan as ‘Funny Typhoon Name’ last month or Sandy Hook as ‘Shut Down Elementary Schools’ they’re planning to run on the one-year anniversary of the Newtown massacre. The Wheel of Fortune folks apologized for the bad timing on Twitter, as did Pat Sajak. Despite the heartfelt apologies, the question remains — who the fuck is still watching Wheel of Fortune?
By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 2:37 PM
Jason Statham left his girlfriend alone for just five minutes and look what the hell happened. The dude hasn’t been more than six inches from Rosie Huntington-Whiteley since they started dating a couple years back. He’s forced his body to consume its own waste so that he’d never have to take a bathroom break from that permanent arm clamp he keeps around her neck like a truly confident bald man. Now he finally let his guard down and his girlfriend’s tit is hanging out in the cold London night. I bet he kicks a lot of Filipinos in the face for this.
Photo Credit: PCN