Chrissy Teigen Slurping Spaghetti

By Matt June 26, 2015 @ 7:01 AM

Tieg

Chrissy Teigen hosted a party at Cannes Lions, which is a place for ad executives to congratulate each other for doing things nobody else cares about and buy eight balls on the company dime. Following her sexual harassment marathon she posted this photo of herself eating spaghetti or at least holding some of it in her mouth before finding the spit bucket. I can’t pinpoint why this photo is so disgusting. I think it’s her face. Perhaps it’s the anxiety of eating on a hotel bedspread without a klieg light. She’s going to ruin that comforter one way or another. Pizza or even chicken nuggets in bed is one thing. Spaghetti is messy. Sit up like an adult. You wouldn’t do that in your own bed. Have some respect. Let’s hope that’s spaghetti sauce in the morning.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jackson Family Values

By Matt June 26, 2015 @ 6:11 AM

Jacko

Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death and subsequent refusal to acknowledge his sexual preferences by the black community. When Jackson passed away his estate was bankrupt. It is now worth $2 billion. Each of Jackson’s definitely not biological children Prince, Paris, and Blanket, are now eligible to liquidate his estate and make $100 million a piece and follow in his footsteps of overdosing on hospital grade pharmaceuticals. The money has come from sales of albums since his death, the movie This Is It and that Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil tour which you told your girlfriend was canceled. It is reported the kids will probably hang onto the estate since the new buyers would no doubt find evidence of dozens of sex crimes. I’d recommend a DNA test. My real dad’s not a pederast. I think it’s one of the dudes from Entourage.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Charlie Riina in A Bikini

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 1:10 PM

Charlie Riina Bikini Booty Cheeks In Malibu
This chick is awfully attractive. The yellow cape seems superfluous. Melanoma isn’t stupid. In the future, when the feminist majority has disappeared sexy pleasing women to shallow graves in soccer stadiums, we’ll be listening to Morrissey and think he’s speaking directly to us. Only The Elders will remember a time when tits and ass weren’t a hate crime and the Oberlin pre-cogs didn’t shudder in their pools when men dreamed of doggy style. By the time you’ve imagined the NSA in the hands of people who are changing pronouns, you’re already in prison. Let’s make our own whiskey and sings songs of yore. These are the end of days.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Last Men on Earth Podcast #7 Hits the Brown Note (AUDIO)

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 12:55 PM

There’s no reason why shitting your pants can’t be a good thing. Remember that feeling as a child, or a really drunk adult? Pack it away in your shame closet, you can’t make it disappear.

This week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast features a discussion on Don Lemon’s “nigger” sign making skills, Caitlyn Jenner double dipping on Father’s Day, and whether assisted suicide for emo 20-somethings in Belgian isn’t just a sign of progress. We’re not going to win any media awards. But we do get hate mail, which is better.

The Last Men on Earth Podcast is sponsored dutifully by the best porn hub on the web, ThePornDude.com.  If you’re not getting your porn there, you’re probably getting that shitty Guatemalan porn.

Be sure to rate The Last Men on Earth podcast on iTunes, that actually helps, and join Twitter for the show at LastMenPodcast.

Donald Trump Gets El Dumpoed And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 25, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

484369463

Presidential candidate and dead ferret toupee wearer Donald Trump has really pissed off the Mexicans. Univision has dropped Trump’s Miss USA Pageant after Trump called Mexican immigrants rapists and thieves. Pobrecito.

Read all about how Donald got himself in agua caliente with Univision. (TMZ)

Kylie Jenner wears a see-through outfit. Surprised? (Egotastic)

Skreech gets sentenced to four months in jail for shanking a dude. (Huffington Post)

Amanda Seyfried gets cornrows and shows off her sexy legs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alexis Ren wears a bikini just for you. (Hollywood Tuna)

Sweet Jesus, Samantha Hoopes has some big ‘ol titties. (Popoholic)

I wonder if the carpet matches the curtains on these hot redheads. (The Chive)

Courtney Love Attacked by French Cabbies, Rescued by Village People

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 11:39 AM

Courtney Loves Uber In France Attacked By Cabbies
Courtney Love may not be a trained journalist, or ever sober, so like the majority of TV news reporters. Love was caught up in the violent protest in Paris between Uber drivers and French cabbies so disgusted by the fetid smell of their armpits in short sleeve dress shirts that they took to the streets to beat the crap out of their competition. The Uber app has been outlawed in most major French cities because it represents progress and savvy capitalism and a bunch of other things despised in France. Uber drivers are working around the system and still picking up passengers in Paris. Like Courtney Love, whose Uber car was attacked on her way to get drugs in the no-go Muslim zones, though she called it the airport for short.

It’s unclear why Love called out to Kanye West for help, only that it’s one of the determinants on a 5150 application. She was later rescued by two gay dudes on motorcycles who might be straight, but French, so I can’t be blamed for making the mistake. They have gay helmets.

Photo Credit: Instagram/INF

Kim Kardashian Ted Talks

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Kim-Kardashian-Business-Seminars

NPR listeners were outraged when Kim Kardashian was invited on the station to speak intelligently, causing NPR listeners to not be able to casually mention that brilliant thing they heard this morning on NPR to their friends, rendering the entire listening process moot. Now Kardashian is launching a series of ‘Kim talks’ where she engages and educates audiences around the globe with her business and social insights for $300 a head.

On June 30th she’ll be in Oakland discussing the objectification of women in the media, because she earnestly believes Zeus is out of thunderbolts. This week she launched her informative talks at the International Festival of Creativity in Cannes sharing her social media zeitgeist including the revelation that “I’m really into Twitter these days”. Then she laughed at the fact that she was collecting three hundred bucks from people without having to put their dirty cocks in her mouth and demanded a bucket of American style liquid cheese. The world is Kim’s oyster. If you pay $500 for the VIP seating, you get three minutes and a prophylactic dental dam to find the pearl.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rita Ora Intimidates Men

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Rita Ora Extreme Sideboob In NYC
Rita Ora claims her confidence and bravado are too much for the men she dates and often sends them running. Who has she dated? Calvin Harris, the wonderfully coiffed electronica DJ and Rob Kardashian. I don’t know how to describe him. Not formidable. There remains the option of dating men who don’t reflexively curl up into a protective womb ball at the first hint of nanny’s perfume. It’s okay to date weak men, but you’re going to need to learn how to prop them up in public. You don’t point out that your guy is wearing girl knickers in front of others. You drop hints about how sore you are from his randy manliness while giving him the glance to let him know later on he’s cleaning out the lint traps with his junk in clamp. Ask Rob’s mom if you need more specific advice. Love alone is not enough. Nice tits.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI