Sara Sampaio and Romee Strijd Ass Check

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 11:01 AM

Sara Sampaio and Romee Strijd Check Their Bikini Lines In Miami
Of all the calls to action at last night’s Oscars, Iñárritu’s speech about respecting immigrants touched me somewhere in my moral center. I’ve decided to start with these two foreign models. They seem like hard workers and solid additions to the multicultural pie. Not all undocumented visitors to this country are tuberculosis carrying unskilled workers stealing blue collar jobs from Americans. Some are young foreign models who simply need a sandwich and hug. Welcome to America. Please report all Canseco rapes to the authorities.

Photo Credit: INF

John Travolta Bad Touched The Oscars

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 9:34 AM

John-Travolta-Feeling-Up-Oscar-Women

The Academy Awards were your usual bit of stilted passing of trophies to actors and filmmakers with prepared speeches about racial injustice, gay rights, and equal pay for women. Also, how we’re really not about Transformers and Iron Man even though that makes up 99% of our industry revenue. Those all sound good. But I don’t need an affliction movie to breakout at my civil rights rally. I just want Charlize Theron to be able to buy black babies and marry an humorless roid rager and get paid a fair $10 million for a Snow White sequel. She is getting all that now, but where’s the confetti drop? I want to live in a world where we encourage people to stay weird. Like creepy cancer wig John Travolta caressing women throughout the evening. The awkward beard show drew attention away from everybody spitting on Clint Eastwood. From behind. From the front they were asking for jobs. There’s so much to love about Hollywood. It’s just yet to be found.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Pia Mia Perez Peaks

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Pia Mia Perez Cleavy In Galore
When your daughter comes to you with a vivid dream of showing off her tits and hanging with the Jenners and having Kanye as her late night private music mentor, that’s not a dream, that’s an omen. She may only be twelve, but inspirational quotes don’t include phrases like ‘wait for your first period’. Time to book one-ways from Guam to Los Angeles to pursue this heavenly mission. You know by third grade if your kid’s going to be a doctor or a porn star, it’s just the admitting it part that takes a while.

Photo Credit: Galore Magazine

Tory Lane Fights Back

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 8:39 AM

Tory Lane Cleavy Twitter Photos
Fresh off her arrest for air rage, Tory Lane took her tits to the tanning salon and posted some revealing selfies. In terms of legal defenses, this is a Clarence Darrow level move. If she didn’t cut off her boyfriend’s dick or kill a White, Non-Hispanic child, those yabbos are the Get Out of Jail Free Card. So she beat up a flight attendant. They’ll make more. Selma had their bridge. Tory Lane has her tits. Get on board the right side of this issue or find yourself on the wrong side of a John Legend song.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chyna Falls Further From Grace (VIDEO)

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Chyna

Puffy faced former WWE star Chyna posted a video of herself twerking while high on muscle relaxers as another cry for help. Chyna’s Twitter account is a running exercise in morbid exhibitionism. Mundane video blogs about tampons and strung out musings on birch bark to be used as cutaways on a Real Sports segment about how fucked up pro wrestlers are. Keep it in the can, we’ll run out of shit one of these days. Back Door to Chyna set the bar at sad. If that didn’t inspire an intervention then your friends either don’t like you or are just too fucked up to move. Save it for Dr Phil but I’m not buying your book. Your socks are dirty.

Bill Cosby And Eddie Murphy Simpatico

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

Murphy

Eddie Murphy was supposed to do a Bill Cosby impression on Celebrity Jeopardy for SNL’s 40th anniversary show. Instead he bailed on it and decided to awkwardly stand on stage for a 80 seconds leading to speculation that he lost his Mojo in 1989. Cosby was grateful for Murphy lacking of a sense of humor and issued a statement to ABC News thanking Murphy:

“I am very appreciative of Eddie and I applaud his actions.”

Translation, I won’t disclose that time we spiked those two trannies with laughing gas at the Rio and here’s the password to my HBO GO for your troubles. Norm MacDonald initially revealed Murphy’s intentions through his Aspergers dictated Twitter account which he uses to live tweet ten hour golf tournaments play by play:

“Eddie decides the laughs are not worth it. He will not kick a man when he is down.”

Class act. It’s all good to make fun of your average fat person or the blind Stevie Wonder but why get nasty with an algebraically proven serial rapist? Next thing you know comedians will be making fun of embattled world leaders and celebrities like is the entire point of the show. There’s more than one dude in a wig in Eddie’s closet. Thanks for digging that hole in the desert.

Photo Credit: Nbcuniversal.com 

Danica Patrick Revved Up (VIDEO)

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

Patrick

Danica Patrick was caught on camera giving it to fellow driver Denny Hamlin, who hit her car and caused her to spin off the track at Daytona. The stale exchange reeked of reality television and had all the sincerity of a late wedding invitation. This is typically the case when two supposedly angry people have a back and forth conversation in front of a dozen cameras without dropping any F bombs. Patrick apparently wants to cruise around peacefully as an under-qualified marketing ploy and doesn’t like when other drivers get next to her car. These assholes don’t understand it’s her birth right to drive a highly coveted vehicle around in circles. Her position has nothing to do with her willingness to strap on a thong for sponsors. She’s the best person for the job not counting the guys who were better. That stereotype of women not being able to drive should be put to bed. They can drive. Just not as well.

Kardashians Crashing More Vehicles

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

KK

Every time you accidentally catch a glimpse of TMZ they’re reporting on a member of this family crashing a vehicle. Given this group is patently uninteresting and in desperate need of material I think it’s fair to posit they’re doing it on purpose like when a dog shits on the floor for attention. Kim, Khloe, Kylie were in Montana where they were supposedly skiing but were probably filming boring television on skis and constantly referencing that it’s cold out like we don’t get it. Their vehicle apparently skidded into oncoming traffic and swerved off the road but unfortunately nobody was hurt. Either TMZ has a source in Billings or these people are reporting their car accidents to tabloids before the police. Kim then alluded to the episode on Instagram:

“Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe.”

Actually your step fatherette just killed a person who doesn’t pray via social media. Maybe it’s all just random. Possibly skewed the other way towards premeditated. Banging black guys is no longer shocking. A fender bender is always a solid plot device. The shark has jumped over the mountain. If your family dies in a fiery blaze the funeral episode will be your highest rated. Something to think about. Just keep the bystanders out of it. They can still be saved.

Photo Credit: Instagram