Kendall And Kylie Jenner Model Bikinis

You can stew over the fact that a couple uneducated teens have lapped you in capitalism, or you can contrive a real estate scam to swindle it all from them.read more

Alessandra Ambrosio Has It Figured Out

Alessandra Ambrosio has started her young daughter in with yoga classes. You can force them to skip meals, but there's no way to ensure they become lucrative models if they're not committed to living in Lululemon stretch pants by seven. If Ambrosio had made her fortune in the vulcanized rubber industry, this kid would be stirring the sulfide tanks. Dr. Seuss explains relative gratitude far better.read more

Richard Simmons Is Now a Woman Too

When a gay male celebrity disappeared from the public eye for any extended length of time it used to signal the knitting of another patch in The AIDS quilt. Now they're more likely than not to reappear quite alive and with a female name. Richard Simmons has chosen Fiona. According to the National Enquirer with a veracity rating of "remember that time they did get that one story right", Richard Simmons hasn't been...read more

Hillary Clinton Motley Crew

People are excited about a Hillary Clinton presidency they same way they are about a car wash. Let's get this over with. Her ardent supporters are either ill informed or keenly aware that she's a corporate shill whose first order of business will be relaxing some pesky Wall Street regulations. You don't make $250,000 for giving a twenty minute speech to Goldman Sachs without a few strings attached. It's a bribe....read more

Amber Rose's Feminism Stops At Free Money

Amber Rose doesn't need a man around and she's perfectly happy having anonymous casual sex while getting herpes in the name of feminism and also she's just kind of a whore. That's something to be proud of in today's America. It used to be graduating college. There's no such thing as a slut.read more

Kimbo Slice Also Dead

Kimbo Slice died suddenly at age forty two as people do when they've spent decades growing muscle mass and bare knuckle brawling. Slice made a short lived impact in MMA, but his real fame came via the Internet where people watched him beat down slightly less criminal looking dudes in backyards in front of eight raggedy dudes holding malt liquor bottles.read more

Sarah Hyland Makes Me Wiener Happy And Shit Around The Web

I've been in deep lust with Sarah Hyland since I first saw her on Modern Family. Before it was OK, even. But now everything is on board and I don't have to worry about possible jail time.read more

Ashley Graham in A Bikini

Ashley Graham continues to model swimsuits because gorgeous overweight women with huge tits experience summer just the same as their more physically fit peers. In the right light, Graham only looks mostly chubby. I'd sell the lighting package with the bikinis.read more

Amber Heard Beat Her Lady (According to TMZ, Don't Fucking Sue Us Too, Heard)

According to TMZ which will eventually find something on everybody famous in this world, Amber Heard was once arrested for domestic violence against her then lady squeeze, Tasya van Ree, the most lesbian name ever. The two apparently scuffled at the Seattle airport as chicks do and Heard grabbed van Ree and struck her on the arm. That's rather gay.read more

Helen Mirren Applauds Kim Kardashian

Dame Helen Mirren effusively praised groundbreaking female entertainers of the past thirty years who have given the middle finger to authority. She noted Pretenders front woman Chrissie Hynde, Joan Jett, Bonnie Raitt, and Pussy Riot as invaluable members of the club of women who broke open conformity barriers. Mirren added Kim Kardashian to her list of notables despite her lack of any achievement outside of being a...read more

Things Not To Say When Your Son Fingers a Passed Out Woman

Stanford University student and varsity swimmer Brock Turner got sentenced to six months in prison for penetrating a 23-year old female partygoer with a "foreign object" and intent to commit rape. Turner had argued that the hooking up was consensual and his lady whose name he didn't know was moaning.read more

Michael Phelps Makes Aquatic Mammal

Michael Phelps has come a long way since being a fall down drunk fucking a transsexual porn star who looked like Curt Hennig. He just had a baby with his wife who is a former Miss California. Odds are high she's too dumb to work the Internet and memorizes flash cards to order a Benedictread more

Cue Roger Clinton

Losers always have a habit of fucking up at the worst possible time. In reality they're just constantly fucking up but sometimes you notice more. Hence Bill Clinton's bastard brother got himself a DUI in LA two days before the California primary. Hillary has most certainly looked into having his Dr Skipper poisoned but decided it's not worth the risk. Syria, definitely.read more

Fox Caves on X-Men

Fox caved on pressure from Rose McGowan and several of her braless underemployed Hollywood friends and removed their billboards for X-Men featuring Apocalypse choking Mystique. When making a movie where women get punched, kicked, stabbed, shot, and eviscerated, it's important to apologize halfheartedly for a one-sheet featuring the movie's climactic moment:read more

Metisha Schaefer in A Bikini

This German model speaks five languages fluently. Which is not nearly as helpful as learning the interrogative "more vagina?" in twenty.read more