Kanye Should’ve Watched More Film

By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 7:17 AM

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Kanye went on Twitter and called Amber Rose a stripper whore and mocked Khalifa for making a baby with her. Kanye routinely calls out Amber Rose for being nasty, with zero nod to how he fucked that nasty for two years other than stating that he ‘had to take 30 showers’ after to get clean. If only somebody would’ve told Eazy-E the shower trick.

Amber Rose is the proverbial dog that’s been beat to much. She looks forward to it now. She took about half a second to inform the world that Kanye West digs assplay:

“Awww @kanyewest are u mad I’m not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch,”

There’s the haymaker you should’ve prepped for in practice. Stay down, Kanye. You’ll solve pi before you ever win a fight with a stripper. Have Kim announce how ridiculous this all is then explain why Kourtney can’t find her new pressed juice thermos. Rap battles just got good again.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI

Abigail Ratchford Covered for America

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 2:08 PM

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While Zuckerberg is posting photos of his carefully posed domesticated lifestyle to pretend he’s not an evil super-villain, he continues to restrict the appearance of the very tip of female breasts on his social media sites. He’s creating an entire universe of quasi-naked photos involving potentially dangerous skeletal contortions in order to meet his absurdist zero nipple tolerance policy. I’m reminded of a Catholic friend whose grandmother on her deathbed made him promise to stop saying shit and fuck all the time. He immediately moved on to frack and she-ite in every sentence. That’s not what grandma meant, dumbass. Every dude still wants to bang this chick. Maybe even more so now that you’ve forced her to squeeze her own tits in photos on your site. What happened to logic. Also pussy. We’re going to need to see that too. How come my Facebook questions never make it to the debates?

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kris Jenner Master Vulture

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 1:07 PM

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Nicole Brown Simpson’s name has come up again in the news as FX continues to promote the shit out of the OJ trial movie they made because absolutely nobody had any better ideas. When Nicole’s name comes up, you can either say, man, that sucks how she got her head cut off by that crazy fucker O.J., or you can delve into how her murder was kind of all about you.

Kris Jenner pushed herself into People magazine for an interview ostensibly about Nicole that quickly turned into a wonder of me testimonial. Jenner remembers her dear friend Nicole helping Jenner through her miscarriage and even giving her all of her designer maternity wear because she was so certain Jenner would spawn again. Quite a gamble given her new husband was already undergoing early hormonal treatments on the down low to become a woman.

I was pregnant with Kendall during the [murder] trial. I actually wore the clothes to trial. That kind of gave me this crazy strength.

One day I’ll hopefully be able to say to God, ‘Why did you take her so young?’ But [until then], it gives me great comfort to say my prayers and talk to her. I loved my friend really hard.

And she loved you back. Even as you were fucking her NFL running back husband in the bushes to make Khloe. She doesn’t remember you that well. Just how much you loved black dudes and feeling special a few minutes at a time. Now, give back the maternity clothes before she uses her angelic powers to make your next generation of offspring retarded as well.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Cara Delevingne See-Through Top And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 27, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Everyone’s favorite rich tantrum throwing predatory young lesbian Cara Delevingne was spotted in Paris with a sheer shirt. It’s Fashion Week and I just wanted to remind you how much world class model pussy she’s getting.

Enjoy staring at her jubblies. (Last Men On Earth)

Frenchy hottie Eva Biechy is lovely and topless. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Manti T’eo’s new girlfriend is a) real and b) sexy as fuck. (TMZ)

I never get tired of ogling Gigi Hadid. (Radass)

Kaley Cuoco in a sports bra is a good thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

These girls know how to use their tongues. (The Chive)

Miss Great Britain Zara Holland has some serious Rue Brittanias. (Hollywood Tuna)

Eva Longoria Going Gay

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 11:36 AM

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Eva Longoria and a bunch of other righteous souls are taking part in a French artist’s photo exhibit featuring straight people pretending to be gay and in love because maybe with a French accent it has some discernible benefit:

The celebrities that I shot are heterosexual, but it was essential to me that you would believe these imaginary couples and families they portray were real. If you couldn’t identify with their love and feel it was real, then I would have failed. And to show that love is love, no matter who [is involved].

Yeah, still not getting it. What if explained by a mime?

There’s an ever moving target as to what it takes to be a non-gay person supporting gay acceptance. You used to be able to mention a gay cousin at Sarah Lawrence or how you worked as a busboy at a WeHo restaurant and it wasn’t horrible. Now you have to pretend to be gay yourself. Call yourself queer, refuse to accept the label of heterosexuality, sound guilty about being in the 95%, maybe take some photos of yourself in the shower soaping another dude.

That Rachel Dolezal chick pretended to be black and rose to the top of the ranks of the NAACP. Is that where this is headed? When did tolerance lead to me live Tweeting my dick in some guy’s ass and do I get to pick the guy? The Rock. Wait, I just blurted that out. I want somebody who’s been there before. Will Smith. Black and gay. Where’s my Oscar, Image Award, and my GLAAD wings. I’m coming, Jesus. Sooner than you think.

Photo Credit: Olivier Ciappa

Bethenny Frankel No Candy for Mexicans

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 10:06 AM

Bethenny Frankel Debuts Red Hair
Bethenny Frankel dyed her hair to avoid the servers of process chasing her around town with lawsuits over her Skinnygirl line of products. They will never make you as slender as her own weight control program of Zumba and Flint River water. It’s simpler and cheaper but the folks in Marketing said it didn’t test well. Frankel just launched her Skinnygirl line of low calorie candy because lower calories gummy bears and chocolates are the foundation of any weight loss program. Don’t you see she’s just fucking with you now, fat women?

Frankel is running damage control from a politically incorrect Twitter rant about how Kmart employees were a bunch of lazy Mexicans:

Wow @Kmart has 2 registers open w 5 other employees standing around & two speak no English whatsoever. Shoes are sapatos right?

How fucking elitist. Us regular people have known Kmart is staffed with lazy illegals for our whole lives because we have to shop there. Fat Mexican women are far more self-aware than Fat American women so her candy sales shouldn’t be affected. But sapatos? Really? When I was a kid all the rich Jewish anorexic chicks knew how to buy shoes in multiple languages.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Ana Braga Cruising Miami

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 8:31 AM

Ana Braga Rides A Bike In A Swimsuit
Federal employment figures are naturally misleading. Sure you’ve got a job, but it’s riding your bike around Miami in a swimsuit so older men in the street cafes can masturbate into plantain peels. They are the Cuban fleshlights. Ana Braga skin pallor indicates she’s fairly new to the job. Like an Uber driver before their first passenger assault. The world is fresh. I’m pretty sure you’re just doing laps. If you don’t hit 10 MPH the cops will cite you for soliciting prostitution. Sorry, I meant award you. This is Miami. Sunscreen will not prevent the transmission of STDs. Read the fine print.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Yolanda Foster Seems Unhealthy

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 7:12 AM

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caption: Yolanda Foster with daughters Gigi and Bella at the first ever Global Lyme-Free Gala

Yolanda Foster is the Dutch model who married real estate rich guy Mohamed Hadid and made some large number of kids then married music producer rich guy David Foster and then announced she has Lyme disease. In that order. Foster announced her elusive to detect illness on her housewife reality TV show and subsequently began writing letters from her crypt explaining how the disease was rendering her bed-ridden and barely able to write. Though she willed her disease into remission for big dress up parties and splendid weekends in Napa. Lyme disease is very capricious like that.

Her audience grew restless when it became clear this was going to be a fifty year long battle. Foster then dropped the news that two of her teen kids also have Lyme disease. That’s when even the delirium tremens mannequins she shares the show with began calling bullshit on her Lyme disease card and cursed the gods for not thinking of it themselves. Foster went faux outrage. This shit always plays out by the book.

With Mohamed’s support, I have managed my children’s healthcare on a daily basis since the day they were born. It is up to no one but us to make claims toward their health status. Shame on those who think it’s OK to spread rumors and provoke doubt about something so heart wrenching.

Yolanda gave a shoutout to her girl modeling at Fashion Week because if you stop partying in Paris then the disease has won. She followed with an short ode to her former breast implants lost in the Lyme battle. A mother should never be forced to choose between her Munchausen syndrome by proxy and her fake tits. If she were black, there could be an Oscar winning bio pic in here somewhere. Curse the twin cruelties of reverse racism and deer tick borne illnesses.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/Id Magazine