Rumor has it, this G.I. Joe movie has been sitting in a can for many years now. The release date has seen more bumps than Paris Hilton during a work play vacay in Medellin (that was a fucking reach). It’s been delayed at least a year, if not two, which is typically not a good sign for an expensive tentpole movie like Joe. Can Bruce Willis save it? Probably not. Those days are over and this looks like another one in the loss column for The Rock. But, there is Adrianne Palicki. She’s hot. And she knows this film’s in big effin’ doo-doo so she showed off a ton of cleavage on the red carpet last night for the film. As if showing off your tits is some magical fix-it for life’s problems. That is only most of the time, Adrianne. This film’s in trouble.
Gerard Butler wants to have sex with every woman. He’s had sex with every woman. But at the premiere of his movie Olympus Has Fallen last night, he checked Ashley Judd up and down like he was plotting his specific penile point of entry. You and I couldn’t get away with this sexual visual scrubdown of Ashley Judd. But when Gerard Butler does it, it’s a compliment. We’d be slapped, most likely with a lawsuit, if not an actual hand. Gerard Butler was probably slapped with Ashley Judd’s tit in his face about two hours after the premiere was over in a penthouse suite at the Four Seasons. In short, if you’re rich and famous and good looking and have an accent, you can have whatever the fuck you want. It’s a life option to consider.
Ice-T won’t cap your ass anymore for looking at his woman. He now mostly just charges your two-bucks and asks you to tell five friends about the deal. You might call this sad, I call it convenient. Now you can check out Coco’s big tubes from her Vegas birthday party without fear of it being the last sight you’ll ever see in this lifetime. Not that that would be so awful. But my final eyesight plan still remains for a majestic view over the Grand Canyon or a peekaboo of Kate Upton’s puckered butthole, or something truly awe-inspiring like that.
I always read these stories about how older married couples rediscover long since forgotten romantic photos of themselves and it reminds them of their young love. Just kidding. I don’t read. I saw that in a Cialis ad during a hockey game. But this seems like the kind of shit old married couples do when they’re not trying to poison each other for insurance payoffs.
And I can relate. Sometimes, I forget how much I want to bone Sofia Vergara until my dick falls off and God tells me I’m done. But then I see some sexy shit like Sofia’s 1998 calendar photoshoot and I remember how amazing the sex was on the honeymoon we never had. I just look at the restraining order from her attorneys and smile wistfully at the sunset like that dude in the Cialis ad who knows he’s about to do his 60-something wife something fierce.
(Yeah, I added the music. You hate it. Everybody hates everybody else’s music. Deal with it.)