It’s been a few months since we got to see Helena Bonham Carter act opposite Johnny Depp in a funny outfit, so here’s the first trailer for ‘The Lone Ranger: A History of Trains in America and Their Impact on the Old West’ (HD here).
As Depp reminds us (while speaking traditional Hollywood Movie Indian language. Which is just english but where the cadence stabs every word and makes him sound mildly retarded), “There come a time, kemosabe. When. Good. Man. Must. Wear. Mask.” There’s also a time to wear a zydeco washboard and bird for a hat, and that time is “always”.
TONY SCOTT – had his suicide filmed by several people who are trying to sell the footage. Inspiring “I Believe I Can Fly” song, not included. (guardian)
JOHNNY DEPP – is being offered $95 million to star in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 5′, because ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 4′ made $1.04 billion. Clearly Lindsay hasn’t figured out that these are about a bisexual drunk who steals or else she would have sued by now. (the sun)
MICHAEL J. FOX – will return to NBC in a sitcom guaranteed to air at least one full season of 22 episodes, even though it hasn’t filmed a pilot yet and NBC hasn’t seen any footage. It’s a very shaky deal, so to speak. (vulture)
RYAN LOCHTE – is in a “three-way tie” to become the next Bachelor on ABC. When things started he was actually the leader, but the other two guys are French and he let them catch up because he’s an asshole. (e!)
BROOKE HOGAN – has a “I’d rather go naked…” ad for the reprehensible PETA, and you can actually see her boob in this. Are they implying I shouldn’t want Brooke Hogan locked in a cage? Because they are way way off in that assumption. (direct link to the NSFW picture here)
If you’re making a movie about Johnny Depp, but can only afford Johnny Depps non-union Mexican equivalent (presumably named Juanny Depp), it would be a good idea to have him stand next to a skinny girl with huge tits in a bikini so maybe people won’t notice. And so that’s what the producers of ‘Who Killed Johnny’ did. If she has sex with him I’ll fucking die, by the way.
Amber Heard has been cured of her homosexuality, and she didn’t even need to go to prayer camp. All she needed was for Johnny Depp to buy her a horse.
Reports surfaced recently that (Heard) received a horse from Depp, her ‘Rum Diary’ costar, as a present.
The actress, who dated female photographer Tasya van Ree for several years, has been quite open about her affinity for Depp. She told Guest of a Guest last year that working with him “is everything you’d hope working with Johnny Depp would be. He’s absolutely amazing, as far as his talent and him as a person.”
So does this mean they’re having sex? Yes, yes it does. Probably. She was gay, but Depp is so handsome she hurdled that minor obstacle and ripped his pants off the second they were alone. Just like your mom when I came over to your house that time and you weren’t there yet. Zing!
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have been together for almost 15 years, and though they never married they have two kids together (13 year old daughter Lily-Rose and 10 year old son Jack) but after months of rumors that their relationship was in trouble, today it was officially announced that they have in fact separated.
“Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children.”
Despite a wide variety of idiotic theories (like this Marilyn Manson one), Johnny Depp now says that he owes his look as Tonto in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie to a painting of a Crow Indian. And the fact that he saw it wrong. EW says…
“I’d actually seen a painting by an artist named Kirby Sattler, and I looked at the face of this warrior and thought: That’s it.’
“It just so happened Sattler had painted a bird flying directly behind the warrior’s head. It looked to me like it was sitting on top. I thought: Tonto’s got a bird on his head. It’s his spirit guide in a way. It’s dead to others, but it’s not dead to him. It’s very much alive.”
So is this still supposed to be a respectful look at Native American spirituality? Because the hero takes advice from a dead bird on his head. Even Chief Wahoo of the Cleavland Indians would think that’s kinda racist.