Hollywood is filled with drug addicted fuckups, sexually repulsive perverts and soul-crushing hacks, and that’s just Brett Ratner, but this isn’t about him. It’s about the exact opposite of him. Johnny Depp. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say anything bad about Johnny Depp, ever. He’s talented, he’s quiet, he chooses interesting movies, he even tipped a waiter $4000 in June.
And now he’s been named People magazines 2009 Sexiest Man Alive. He won this prestigious award in 2003 as well. He better not rest on his laurels though. I’m moving back to LA next month, and I plan on making the rounds. There’s no doubt I’ll win this for 2010, the only question is, can I be the first to three-peat?
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP - has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE - carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere - just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
Fox has a list today of famous Hollywood people who have gone on record to say how awesome weed is. They don’t say it like that, they fancy it all up, but that’s what they mean. Among others on the list:
Megan Fox: “I’ve done drugs. I didn’t enjoy anything other than marijuana. I don’t even think of it as a drug – it should be legalized.” She’s called on the government to legalize weed on many occasions, saying she would be the “first person in line to buy a pack of joints.”
Brad Pitt: During an appearance on ‘Real Time with Bill Maher,’ Maher recalled being at a New Year’s Eve party with Pitt: “You just, all night rolled these perfect joints…the most perfect joints I have ever seen…” Brad shook his head and replied, “I’m an artist.”
Johnny Depp: “Look, I have nothing to hide. I’m not a great pothead or anything like that… but weed is much, much less dangerous than alcohol.”
I’ve never done any drugs and I don’t drink or smoke because I’m such a sweet boy, but weed should still be legal because I hate the government and fuck you why can’t you just leave people alone. Unfortunately no one listens to me. I’m pretty much just eye candy around here.
Heath Ledger had finished about half of his scenes for “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” when he died on January 22nd of last year, but thankfully his final work was salvaged by having Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell play Ledgers character in various incarnations. Luckily this is a Terry Gilliam movie so I’m sure shit like that will seem perfectly reasonable as it happens. This is the brand new trailer and it looks okay, but if it doesn’t have teen vampires moping around and getting into love triangles, how good could it really be? What a piece of shit! Why did they even bother?!
Remember Christian Bale? He was in the Batman movies, and Terminator 4? And after that he was in talks to star opposite Johnny Depp in “Public Enemies”? And those talks were successful and he took the part and filmed the movie and it was a really big deal? Well you’d never know that based on the ad campaign, because Bale isn’t in any of the commercials and not on the poster. E! online, is there something you’d like to say?
“Apparently when you have the option of showing Johnny Depp staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic, you don’t need a second actor staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic. Not unless that second person carries the exact same, or better, commercial draw as Johnny Depp.
Christian Bale does not. You may think Bale does. You may want Bale to. You’re wrong.
According to the scale which measures domestic and worldwide actor bankability, Depp is overshadowed only by Will Smith in his ability to get butts in seats. Brad Pitt comes in at No. 3. Bale, who may be a very talented actor, is not so bankable; he is not even in the top 10.”
One of the new commercials even says “Depp. Is. Dillinger.” in three dramatic on-screen cuts, but no mention of Bale. Nothing. At all. How can that be? They still put Cameron Diaz on posters and that fug dipshit hasn’t sold a movie by herself ever. Posters with her are only good if you need something to point at as you tell the ticket guy, “I don’t know what that one is but if you sell me a ticket for it I will punch you in the face.”
In Hollywood it’s always the people who have achieved fame or a title for no particular reason who are prone to hissyfits and outbursts like Perez Sunday night. It’s hard to believe that he and Johnny Depp are even part of the same species, much less work in the same town. Radar says…
“Mohammed A . Sekhani — a veteran waiter at Chicago’s legendary steakhouse Gibsons — (said): ‘Johnny and his party arrived just after 11.30pm at the restaurant and requested a private room. He had visited our restaurant several times before while he was filming Public Enemies and he promised me that he would return after the premiere.
‘He was in good spirits throughout the evening chatting with Mr Mann and Miss Cotillard. He is a very soft spoken guy who is very charming and sweet – when I wait for him he doesn’t like to be too fussed over and is not in any way demanding.
‘He may be one of the most famous actors in the world but he is a very humble guy and a really cool dude. Obviously, I was delighted with his tip but he has always been very generous.’”
In a related story, Jennifer Lopez had her maid held underwater for three minutes because she didn’t fold her giant underwear the proper, extra-fancy way. Oh wait. I guess in hindsight the two stories aren’t really that similar.
