Johnny Depp chose a press junket to declare that actors who use their celebrity to make musical appearances make him sick. Odd mostly because Johnny Deep is an actor who uses his celebrity to make musical appearances. Or maybe Marilyn Manson pulls him out of the crowd randomly to jam with him on stage. After herpes and botulism, myopia is the greatest afflicter of famous people in Hollywood. Depp didn’t mention anybody by name, so I will. Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, and Kevin Bacon. Much of it is horrid, I’m not so sure it’s sickening. Men become rich and famous so they can do whatever they want. At some age fucking lots of different women only becomes 90% of their world and they need to top it off with another swig of ego gratification. Rock star. If it were easier, they’d all go for astronaut or cowboy or underground mining explosives expert. I forgive Johnny Depp because of Donnie Brasco. Now shut the fuck up and try to believe your lesbian wife when she tells you you’re just as skilled as her girlfriends.
Johnny Depp has appeared to have moved on from his two-decade run as a living rock star pirate in favor of this new look as an early 20th century gangster, or at least a middle-aged asshole who still shows up to swing revivals. He joined his girlfriend Amber Heard at the premiere for her new film, 3 Days to Kill, which is a really original movie about a retired spy with a family who has to go back to work to stop a bad guy from killing a bunch of people, because only he’s the only guy who knows how to stop the terrorists. Johnny wouldn’t know that, though, because he and Amber probably sat in the back of the theater, rolling their own cigarettes and drinking wine from a flask in between makeout sessions, before her mom stormed in and shouted, “I told you to never see this boy again!”
Johnny Depp has always liked to hang around with rock stars, make cameos in music videos and even perform on some albums, but it looks like the 50-year old’s mid-life crisis is getting a little worse than we’d previously thought. Sure, Johnny dresses like he’s 17-years old and he’s dating a girl who is 23-years younger than him, but hanging out with Zayn from One Direction (right) and Alexander DeLeon (from some other band I’ve never heard of)? I guess Justin Bieber‘s phone was disconnected.
Or maybe it’s just a last ditch effort to get One Direction fans to go see The Lone Ranger. I’d try to warn them, but it’s clear they can’t be rescued from bad taste.
It’s been a few months since we got to see Helena Bonham Carter act opposite Johnny Depp in a funny outfit, so here’s the first trailer for ‘The Lone Ranger: A History of Trains in America and Their Impact on the Old West’ (HD here).
As Depp reminds us (while speaking traditional Hollywood Movie Indian language. Which is just english but where the cadence stabs every word and makes him sound mildly retarded), “There come a time, kemosabe. When. Good. Man. Must. Wear. Mask.” There’s also a time to wear a zydeco washboard and bird for a hat, and that time is “always”.
TONY SCOTT – had his suicide filmed by several people who are trying to sell the footage. Inspiring “I Believe I Can Fly” song, not included. (guardian)
JOHNNY DEPP – is being offered $95 million to star in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 5′, because ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 4′ made $1.04 billion. Clearly Lindsay hasn’t figured out that these are about a bisexual drunk who steals or else she would have sued by now. (the sun)
MICHAEL J. FOX – will return to NBC in a sitcom guaranteed to air at least one full season of 22 episodes, even though it hasn’t filmed a pilot yet and NBC hasn’t seen any footage. It’s a very shaky deal, so to speak. (vulture)
RYAN LOCHTE – is in a “three-way tie” to become the next Bachelor on ABC. When things started he was actually the leader, but the other two guys are French and he let them catch up because he’s an asshole. (e!)
BROOKE HOGAN – has a “I’d rather go naked…” ad for the reprehensible PETA, and you can actually see her boob in this. Are they implying I shouldn’t want Brooke Hogan locked in a cage? Because they are way way off in that assumption. (direct link to the NSFW picture here)
If you’re making a movie about Johnny Depp, but can only afford Johnny Depps non-union Mexican equivalent (presumably named Juanny Depp), it would be a good idea to have him stand next to a skinny girl with huge tits in a bikini so maybe people won’t notice. And so that’s what the producers of ‘Who Killed Johnny’ did. If she has sex with him I’ll fucking die, by the way.