Johnny Depp Back On The Chain Gang

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 9:45 AM


Johnny Depp is reportedly facing up to 10 years in prison and $263,000 in fines for bringing his two lap dogs into Australia on his private jet along with a bunch of caviar and a shipment of ascots. That’s if he’s prosecuted. By that rationale I’m facing a thousand years in solitary for jaywalking the last thirty years while publicly intoxicated. The pilot of the plane could also be on the hook for two years, which seems a bit more plausible since he doesn’t wear his cute rock and roller costume around everywhere. I’m frankly sick of these double standards. I don’t care about the dogs because I’m pretty sure they don’t have rabies or even calloused feet and are probably vegan and properly suited to be eaten by Tasmanian devils as nature has designed.

I’d like to know why I have to take my belt and shoes off at the airport and Depp can step on a jet rocking 17 necklaces 6 braceletts 4 rings and a chain from his wallet to his taint. That’s enough Fury Road gear to kick some ass if you’re not a midget on methadone. Of course I don’t fly private but I don’t see why they’re not subjected to the same rules. You’re picking my last Xanax out of my aspirin bottle and this fucker is housing yapping bio terrorists. How do you work out in that get up? Bend over and cough, Jack Sparrow.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Depp’s Dogs On Death’s Door And Shit Around The Web

By Michael May 14, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Walking caricature Johnny Depp sneaked his yorkies into Australia and the Aussies are pissed because every time the white man brings new animals onto the island continent, more kangaroos die. Look for the dogs to be slaughter in the bush.

Read all about Depp’s Australian trouble. (TMZ)

Miley Cyrus dresses like a whore butterfly. (Egotastic)

Kourtney Kardashian poses in a swimsuit with a snake. Unfortunately the snake did not constrict. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez uses her tits to sell Adidas. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brazilian game show has hot girls play Twister in bathing suits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Megan Fox flashes some lovely cleavage. (Popoholic)

Tits!That bounce! (The Chive)

Johnny Depp Cash Machine

By Matt February 02, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


Johnny Depp has a side gig with Harper Collins where he publishes books which have already been written and keeps the money. His pretentiously monikered Infinitum Nihil company has re-published a few books which were out of print until it was realized a super handsome man cared about them. Depp’s label has previously re-released books about Woodie Guthrie and Yoko Ono, which officially tips my scale into disliking him as a person. I always suspected he was an Ono. The newest book is called Narcisa: Our Lady of Ashes and makes me want to puke a little in Johnny’s mouth. It’s amazing work if you can get it. Those frames have no lenses. 

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Johnny Depp Has Standards

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Wear Matching Outfits For Mortdecai Premiere
Johnny Depp chose a press junket to declare that actors who use their celebrity to make musical appearances make him sick. Odd mostly because Johnny Deep is an actor who uses his celebrity to make musical appearances. Or maybe Marilyn Manson pulls him out of the crowd randomly to jam with him on stage. After herpes and botulism, myopia is the greatest afflicter of famous people in Hollywood. Depp didn’t mention anybody by name, so I will. Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, and Kevin Bacon. Much of it is horrid, I’m not so sure it’s sickening. Men become rich and famous so they can do whatever they want. At some age fucking lots of different women only becomes 90% of their world and they need to top it off with another swig of ego gratification. Rock star. If it were easier, they’d all go for astronaut or cowboy or underground mining explosives expert. I forgive Johnny Depp because of Donnie Brasco. Now shut the fuck up and try to believe your lesbian wife when she tells you you’re just as skilled as her girlfriends.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

Amber Heard Brought A 1920s Gangster To Her Movie Premiere

By Travis February 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Johnny Depp has appeared to have moved on from his two-decade run as a living rock star pirate in favor of this new look as an early 20th century gangster, or at least a middle-aged asshole who still shows up to swing revivals. He joined his girlfriend Amber Heard at the premiere for her new film, 3 Days to Kill, which is a really original movie about a retired spy with a family who has to go back to work to stop a bad guy from killing a bunch of people, because only he’s the only guy who knows how to stop the terrorists. Johnny wouldn’t know that, though, because he and Amber probably sat in the back of the theater, rolling their own cigarettes and drinking wine from a flask in between makeout sessions, before her mom stormed in and shouted, “I told you to never see this boy again!”

Photo Credits: Apega/Nikki Nelson/

Johnny Depp Is Hanging Out With One Direction Now

By Travis August 14, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Johnny Depp has always liked to hang around with rock stars, make cameos in music videos and even perform on some albums, but it looks like the 50-year old’s mid-life crisis is getting a little worse than we’d previously thought. Sure, Johnny dresses like he’s 17-years old and he’s dating a girl who is 23-years younger than him, but hanging out with Zayn from One Direction (right) and Alexander DeLeon (from some other band I’ve never heard of)? I guess Justin Bieber‘s phone was disconnected.

Or maybe it’s just a last ditch effort to get One Direction fans to go see The Lone Ranger. I’d try to warn them, but it’s clear they can’t be rescued from bad taste.

(Photo Credit: Alexander DeLeon’s Instagram)