Pregnancy Looks Delicious on JWoww

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 2:47 PM

Jenni JWoww Farley Looking Very Pregnant Out In New York
I’m usually skeptical when people I’ve never heard of start making babies with people I don’t care about, but JWoww certainly seems to be bucking the trend. I admire a woman who takes a big risk of ruining the only thing we ever slightly cared about her so she can have a baby out of wedlock of her own to love. TMZ wasn’t so kind to JWoww, posting these photos of JWoww looking like a 50-something bloated Shanghai madam who badly needs some tiger claw balm and pretending JWoww was a pregnant Lil Kim. Those jokemeisters at TMZ are really on their game today. JWoww didn’t think it was so funny.

JWoww-Twitter-Response-to-TMZ

Like a budding Maya Angelou. JWoww also included a picture of herself looking less super disturbingly Pekingense and flipping the bird. JWoww soon realized she has a makeup line or some other crappy merchandise for the girls so she issued a sort of apology on Instagram laced with a pregnancy victim fat shaming tinge that sits well with corporate advertisers:

Regretting last pic lol not because I don’t think TMZ is a joke and people like them are the reason why are society is so fucked up but because of myself. For one second they made me feel insecure and made me question my hair and makeup today and Roger said ‘you liked how you looked today… You left happy and had no regrets until they wrote something’ he’s write [sic] I felt fine. Then Roger said, ‘your [sic] not weak so stop acting it’ and he’s right, I’m not. So kiss my ass TMZ and every other hater.

For their part, TMZ felt utterly remorseful that JWoww’s angry response got them a million more ad impressions. They promised to write six awesome sports stories not about sports as contrition. As for JWoww, what could she do but hug her baby daddy, that big lug. Just look how blindly supportive he is of the drunk party girl he knocked up. That’s so fucking Roger. I’d be shocked if these two didn’t last until the fairytale sunset.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI

What Is The Exact Opposite Of A MILF?

By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

MTV held its big Upfront event last night in New York City to announce that the network is still in the business of making of the worst and most morally reckless shows on television, which is why Snooki and JWoww seemed so proud to help announce that their show has been renewed for a fourth season. This is pretty big news for the best friends and stars of the Jersey Shore series, because they’re both pregnant right now and could probably use plenty of extra money. While this is JWoww’s first child, Snooki is already due to pop out hell spawn No. 2 in September, and these little pooping monsters cost a ton of money. Every penny that goes into buying diapers, baby food and new clothes means less for Jager and weed, so this MTV paycheck is basically keeping these two women out of poverty.

Photo Credit: Snooki’s Instagram

JWoww Announces Her Pregnancy By Tweeting Picture of Her Brain

By Lex December 26, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Jenni JWoww Farley Annouces Her Pregnancy On Twitter
J-Woww of Jersey Shore and nothing else ever fame announced on Twitter that she’s having a baby with some guy she previously announced on Twitter was her fiance. Someday we’ll do a historic look back at all the celebrity bastard baby announcements on Twitter and correlate them heavily to the current inpatient population at Promises rehab center in Malibu. Among all the Twitter fans who congratulated JWoww and told her she deserved all the happiness in the world despite no obvious support for that position was her good friend Snooki. In the manner of Jersey Shore custom, JWoww first told Snooki how her bastard baby was perfect and then Snooki told JWoww:

So will urs. Sleep safe, keep hydrated, no Advil or Aleve. No pushing on the toilet either

You’d be surprised how many offspring among their clan are mistaken for hungover morning dumps and absent-mindedly flushed down the drain. In contrast to the kids they intentionally flush down the drain when the baby daddy doesn’t have decent prospects. Watching JWoww and Snooki exchange maternity advice is like reading Your Baby’s First Year books written by two girls who found themselves pregnant by the same deviant orderly at an all women’s asylum. They both deserve so much happiness. Like the whores who give out discounted handies to returning service men. God help this planet.

Photo Credit: Jenni JWoww Farley/Instagram, Twitter

Snooki & J-Woww Lash Out At Jersey Shore Community On Twitter

By Jack July 24, 2013 @ 3:36 PM

The Jersey Shore community of Pelican Island doesn’t want J-Woww and Snooki shooting their reality spin-off series in their town. The residents are none too pleased with the prospect of these two greasy spoons disrupting their little burgh still recovering from Hurricane Sandy. City Councilman James Byrnes said that it’d be okay for Snooki to come visit, but not with her family and big-ass TV production team causing a ruckus. I’d actually allow the reverse, but this guy’s a politician, so he had to say the correct thing like that.

Snooki’s spelling challenged social media writer posing as Snooki fought back on Twitter:

“Insult my son & fiancé, and I will go mama bear on your ass…If my “actions” like playing with my son is bringing the wrong “crowd”  obviously we are on too different pages here.

Playing the mama card is a major gambit for Snooki. It’s really all she’s got. It’s certainly all that’s keeping the “fiancé” around. It’s like bringing the Gatling gun out at the start of a Western battle. You’ve got nowhere to go next.

Snooki Has Almost Finished Imploding

By Travis July 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “JWoWW” Farley were among the guests of honor at Self Magazine’s Rock the Summer party at Kiss and Fly in New York City, and it’s just remarkable how different these two look from their days as the stars of MTV’s The Jersey Shore. It feels like only yesterday that Snooki looked like a bowling pin that had been left in a microwave for three hours, while JWoWW didn’t actually look like she’d been attacked by Jack Nicholson’s Joker.

But Snooki has reportedly lost 50-lbs. since giving birth to her son almost a year ago, and that is just incredibly impressive. Mainly because her kind eats the offspring within the first month.

(Photo Credits: Ivan Nikolov/WENN.com)

JWOWW Is An ‘Actress’ Now, But It’s Not Porn

By Travis April 26, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Now that Snooki has become a huge success at being a human bobblehead doll, her castmate from Jersey Shore Jenni Farley, AKA JWOWW, has also figured out what it is she wants to be when she grows up. Because it takes practically no talent at all, JWOWW has fit right in as one of the new young cast members on the soap opera One Life to Live, which has been downgraded from actual TV series to something lonely women watch on Hulu.

She talked about why (money) she took this interesting next step (money) in her career (money) at the show’s New York City premiere earlier this week.

“My manager suggested I should give it a try since I want to get into acting,” JWOWW said of her guest role on the show.

“I grew up watching most of them with my grandmother. It became our thing… Snuggling up on the couch after school with my grandma catching up on soaps.” (Radar)

She also defended MTV’s Teen Mom show, claiming that teenage pregnancies dropped in the U.S. after that show debuted. But that’s probably just because the meth kills them first.

(Photo Credit: Getty)