Snooki Got Married

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Snooki Gets Married While JWoww Wears Low Cut Dress In NYC
While you weren’t caring, Snooki ornately married the first dude who didn’t ask to finish on her tits. He’s a good solid something or other who accepts the fact Snooki looks radically altered from when they first met. I can see dramatic plastic surgery having a positive effect on a relationship. Whether you’re married to a great looking woman or a reality TV box troll that reeks of agar, at some point you want to wake up to a different face. You could cheat, but that’s messy, and she’s your meal ticket. You’ve already got the same STDs, why expand your viral collage. Just hit up the doctor with his chisel and acid bath and ask him to make your chick a new face every eighteen months. It’s mostly a reductive art, but at some point you can start packing putty and hay into that burp space and build out again.

Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet

Country Troll Is Getting Married, City Troll Comes to Visit

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

Snooki And JWoww Celebrate Snookis Bacherlorette Party
Snooki already has some number of babies by some dude I thought she was already married to. I guess that never happened. With a new reality show for the mummified and brain dead, the production team has the nuptials keyed in for the season. Bachelorette parties for sliced-up former cast members of Jersey Shore always score well in the ratings. Especially when one of the cast ends up in tears and dislodges a reasonable portion of their soft clay face. Don’t let the kids watch or they’ll be wetting their beds until their thirty.

I couldn’t be happier for Snooki, but the offspring thing is only going to give us more work when it comes time to mop up the gene pool. If God wanted Snooki to have babies, he would’ve put her vagina more than six inches off the ground.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

JWoww Is Bravely Plain

By Matt August 25, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

JWOWS

JWoww was apparently unhappy about speculation that she had plastic surgery on her face and fought back by posting a plain faced photo, so her regular face, minus eight pounds of Lancome and melted Jolly Ranchers. JWoww proceeded to talk shit about how humble and unattractive she is, which are two things its hard to talk shit about with a straight face:

Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting.”

JWoww heroically displayed the timeless authenticity of a Michelangelo with her weird sculpted eyebrows and fake tits minus the foundation. Let this be a lesson: if you are going to talk about JWoww she will become deeply offended and correct you with a very unflattering portrait of herself. She will then slam a bucket of Long Island Iced Teas and plug her cans into the local hydrogen fueling station. You’re just a badger trying to get at an armadillo. Save yourself six hours of futility and move along.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

JWoww Wants None Sex

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Jenni JWOWW Farley Looking Heavier Out In New York
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.

Photo Credit: Splash

Pregnancy Looks Delicious on JWoww

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 2:47 PM

Jenni JWoww Farley Looking Very Pregnant Out In New York
I’m usually skeptical when people I’ve never heard of start making babies with people I don’t care about, but JWoww certainly seems to be bucking the trend. I admire a woman who takes a big risk of ruining the only thing we ever slightly cared about her so she can have a baby out of wedlock of her own to love. TMZ wasn’t so kind to JWoww, posting these photos of JWoww looking like a 50-something bloated Shanghai madam who badly needs some tiger claw balm and pretending JWoww was a pregnant Lil Kim. Those jokemeisters at TMZ are really on their game today. JWoww didn’t think it was so funny.

JWoww-Twitter-Response-to-TMZ

Like a budding Maya Angelou. JWoww also included a picture of herself looking less super disturbingly Pekingense and flipping the bird. JWoww soon realized she has a makeup line or some other crappy merchandise for the girls so she issued a sort of apology on Instagram laced with a pregnancy victim fat shaming tinge that sits well with corporate advertisers:

Regretting last pic lol not because I don’t think TMZ is a joke and people like them are the reason why are society is so fucked up but because of myself. For one second they made me feel insecure and made me question my hair and makeup today and Roger said ‘you liked how you looked today… You left happy and had no regrets until they wrote something’ he’s write [sic] I felt fine. Then Roger said, ‘your [sic] not weak so stop acting it’ and he’s right, I’m not. So kiss my ass TMZ and every other hater.

For their part, TMZ felt utterly remorseful that JWoww’s angry response got them a million more ad impressions. They promised to write six awesome sports stories not about sports as contrition. As for JWoww, what could she do but hug her baby daddy, that big lug. Just look how blindly supportive he is of the drunk party girl he knocked up. That’s so fucking Roger. I’d be shocked if these two didn’t last until the fairytale sunset.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI

What Is The Exact Opposite Of A MILF?

By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

MTV held its big Upfront event last night in New York City to announce that the network is still in the business of making of the worst and most morally reckless shows on television, which is why Snooki and JWoww seemed so proud to help announce that their show has been renewed for a fourth season. This is pretty big news for the best friends and stars of the Jersey Shore series, because they’re both pregnant right now and could probably use plenty of extra money. While this is JWoww’s first child, Snooki is already due to pop out hell spawn No. 2 in September, and these little pooping monsters cost a ton of money. Every penny that goes into buying diapers, baby food and new clothes means less for Jager and weed, so this MTV paycheck is basically keeping these two women out of poverty.

Photo Credit: Snooki’s Instagram