By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 PM
Snooki already has some number of babies by some dude I thought she was already married to. I guess that never happened. With a new reality show for the mummified and brain dead, the production team has the nuptials keyed in for the season. Bachelorette parties for sliced-up former cast members of Jersey Shore always score well in the ratings. Especially when one of the cast ends up in tears and dislodges a reasonable portion of their soft clay face. Don’t let the kids watch or they’ll be wetting their beds until their thirty.
I couldn’t be happier for Snooki, but the offspring thing is only going to give us more work when it comes time to mop up the gene pool. If God wanted Snooki to have babies, he would’ve put her vagina more than six inches off the ground.
Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet
By Matt August 25, 2014 @ 10:32 AM
JWoww was apparently unhappy about speculation that she had plastic surgery on her face and fought back by posting a plain faced photo, so her regular face, minus eight pounds of Lancome and melted Jolly Ranchers. JWoww proceeded to talk shit about how humble and unattractive she is, which are two things its hard to talk shit about with a straight face:
Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting.”
JWoww heroically displayed the timeless authenticity of a Michelangelo with her weird sculpted eyebrows and fake tits minus the foundation. Let this be a lesson: if you are going to talk about JWoww she will become deeply offended and correct you with a very unflattering portrait of herself. She will then slam a bucket of Long Island Iced Teas and plug her cans into the local hydrogen fueling station. You’re just a badger trying to get at an armadillo. Save yourself six hours of futility and move along.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
I’m usually skeptical when people I’ve never heard of start making babies with people I don’t care about, but JWoww certainly seems to be bucking the trend. I admire a woman who takes a big risk of ruining the only thing we ever slightly cared about her so she can have a baby out of wedlock of her own to love. TMZ wasn’t so kind to JWoww, posting these photos of JWoww looking like a 50-something bloated Shanghai madam who badly needs some tiger claw balm and pretending JWoww was a pregnant Lil Kim. Those jokemeisters at TMZ are really on their game today. JWoww didn’t think it was so funny.
Like a budding Maya Angelou. JWoww also included a picture of herself looking less super disturbingly Pekingense and flipping the bird. JWoww soon realized she has a makeup line or some other crappy merchandise for the girls so she issued a sort of apology on Instagram laced with a pregnancy victim fat shaming tinge that sits well with corporate advertisers:
Regretting last pic lol not because I don’t think TMZ is a joke and people like them are the reason why are society is so fucked up but because of myself. For one second they made me feel insecure and made me question my hair and makeup today and Roger said ‘you liked how you looked today… You left happy and had no regrets until they wrote something’ he’s write [sic] I felt fine. Then Roger said, ‘your [sic] not weak so stop acting it’ and he’s right, I’m not. So kiss my ass TMZ and every other hater.
For their part, TMZ felt utterly remorseful that JWoww’s angry response got them a million more ad impressions. They promised to write six awesome sports stories not about sports as contrition. As for JWoww, what could she do but hug her baby daddy, that big lug. Just look how blindly supportive he is of the drunk party girl he knocked up. That’s so fucking Roger. I’d be shocked if these two didn’t last until the fairytale sunset.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI
By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
MTV held its big Upfront event last night in New York City to announce that the network is still in the business of making of the worst and most morally reckless shows on television, which is why Snooki and JWoww seemed so proud to help announce that their show has been renewed for a fourth season. This is pretty big news for the best friends and stars of the Jersey Shore series, because they’re both pregnant right now and could probably use plenty of extra money. While this is JWoww’s first child, Snooki is already due to pop out hell spawn No. 2 in September, and these little pooping monsters cost a ton of money. Every penny that goes into buying diapers, baby food and new clothes means less for Jager and weed, so this MTV paycheck is basically keeping these two women out of poverty.
Photo Credit: Snooki’s Instagram
By Lex December 26, 2013 @ 3:02 PM
J-Woww of Jersey Shore and nothing else ever fame announced on Twitter that she’s having a baby with some guy she previously announced on Twitter was her fiance. Someday we’ll do a historic look back at all the celebrity bastard baby announcements on Twitter and correlate them heavily to the current inpatient population at Promises rehab center in Malibu. Among all the Twitter fans who congratulated JWoww and told her she deserved all the happiness in the world despite no obvious support for that position was her good friend Snooki. In the manner of Jersey Shore custom, JWoww first told Snooki how her bastard baby was perfect and then Snooki told JWoww:
So will urs. Sleep safe, keep hydrated, no Advil or Aleve. No pushing on the toilet either
You’d be surprised how many offspring among their clan are mistaken for hungover morning dumps and absent-mindedly flushed down the drain. In contrast to the kids they intentionally flush down the drain when the baby daddy doesn’t have decent prospects. Watching JWoww and Snooki exchange maternity advice is like reading Your Baby’s First Year books written by two girls who found themselves pregnant by the same deviant orderly at an all women’s asylum. They both deserve so much happiness. Like the whores who give out discounted handies to returning service men. God help this planet.
Photo Credit: Jenni JWoww Farley/Instagram, Twitter