Every year there’s a new hot British model that every girl wants to be and every guy in a burgeoning rock band gets to bang. That girl is currently Cara Delevingne. She’s the ‘it’ model in London right now.Not only does Cara get to go to parties where I wouldn’t even pass the background check to bus tables, she gets paid a shitload of pounds sterling to model everybody’s clothes. Also, her cocaine is a better grade than what the dude who stands out by the Wendy’s near me is always pushing. In short, her life is awesome. But she deserves it because she was born good looking. Some folks are born smart or tall or attractive and they get some nice perks. Some folks are born with none of those things and they get to blog.
Whenever I see lingerie ads, I assume they’re for women, because other than my Uncle Theo who we found out later in life was ‘Tina’ twice a week at a risque nightclub three counties over, men aren’t buying much lingerie. Outside of the idiots who can’t wait to hear their girls utter the phrase, ‘Great, so you think I’m a whore?’, silky underwear buying is better left to the wearer. Or to girls who giggle at bachelorette parties and talk about how ‘Steve is going to die when he sees you in this’. Those girls know full well that twelve months from now married Steve will not care how his wife dresses so much as he is wondering where the hell his blowjobs went.
Still, I’d like to buy shit for Nina Agdal to wear. Because hot girls make you stupid and forget all the rules. Fuck, I’d buy her a car and a house. If I had the money, or even if I didn’t. Variable rate loans are the bomb.
You never forget the first time you see an eighteen year old getting paid to be in her underwear. Kate Upton did this lingerie modeling gig as she turned barely legal; not exactly the Hustler version of the concept, but it helped transform this sugar-titty hot blonde from just another cute female Guess model into one of the most yanked-to women in the world just over two years later.
Whether you’re a female model or a male model, you have to blow a lot of dudes to work your way up the magic line. If you can get there in just a year or two, you can save yourself a lot of bad touch memories.
After coming across these pics the first thought that popped into my head was I want to live in between her tits for a day. Well actually it was who is this, she seems nice, I wonder if we would get along, then burrowing in between her tits. Turns out it’s Lara Alvarez, who is apparently a sideline reporter in Spain who is gorgeous and also occasionally models. She also balls Spanish soccer player Sergio Ramos. Or did. I only know this because I saw these photos and then did some extensive Googling and came across her Wikipedia page. Of course it was written entirely in Spanish and the translation also happens to be talking about a man, so who knows what to believe right now.
Alas, our love seems not meant to be, partly because of the language barrier and partly because looking the way I look would get me dragged away in cuffs if I came within five feet of this chick. So instead I’ll just stay in my comfort zone and try to rustle up what little dignity I have left and come to terms with the fact that watching BBW immobility porn on Nudevista is the highlight of my sex life. I’m joking of course, I have no dignity left. So to recap that’s blah blah Lara Alvarez blah blah mediocre sex joke blah blah pics below.
We had some amazing pictures of Emily Ratajkowski up before Carl’s Jr. went and ruined everything by forcing us to remove them. There’s nothing worse than a legal letter from a burger chain. It’s all nasty and threatening and written on a greasy piece of crumpled up yellow service paper. Carl’s Jr. did invent the stoner-magnificent Cap’n Crunch milkshake, so they get some kind of lifetime pass.
In more than serviceable replacement, Emily Ratajkowski’s photo shoot from Frederick’s of Hollywood came out and it’s worth reviewing. I’ve never been in a Frederick’s of Hollywood store, not during normal business hours, but it looks like they sell the same things every other lingerie store sells — false hope that your girl will ever look like Emily Ratajkowski in lingerie.
OPIE AND ANTHONY – are offering $25,000 to any girl who can prove they had sex with Manti Te’o. Because even though he told Katie Couric yesterday that he was “far from gay”, being gay or a complete dumb fuck are the only possible explanations for the things he’s done. And that sweater. (opies twitter)
TINA TURNER – has apparently lived outside Zurich in Kuesnacht, Switzerland, since the mid 1990′s, is now renouncing her American citizenship and becoming a Swiss citizen. She hasnt given a statement or been interviewed about this yet, which is pretty amazing because how hard could it be to find Tina Turner in fucking Switzerland. (fox news)
STEVE WOZNIAK – is, of course, the co-founder of Apple, and he’s played by the great Josh Gad in the Steve Jobs movie starring Ashton Kutcher. After seeing the clip released yesterday, Wozniak said-and you may want to brace yourself- that they’re fucking everything up. “Not close…we never had such interaction and roles…I’m not even sure what it’s getting at.” To be fair that last part could describe most Ashton Kutcher performances. (gizmodo)
KATE UPTON – is in the January issue of Zoo magazine, but the pictures they use are actually from a shoot she did last year for a lingerie company. So I posted those instead. I also chopped some firewood and made those butterscotch cookies you like so much.