Fat Guys Pissed at American Sniper

By Lex January 19, 2015 @ 11:07 AM

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I treat knee-jerk politicization like a girl faces her period arriving on prom night. I cry and yell at random men in my household. Hollywood is consuming itself with reflexive spite because American Sniper did so well at the box office and it might glorify U.S. soldier heroics in Iraq. I saw the movie and I didn’t see that. I could see young men seeing this movie and signing up I suppose. If they miss the parts about all the limbs being blown off, horrendous PTSD, broken families, and lifelong trauma. This it the counter reflexive thinking to groups protesting gay characters on TV because they’re going to turn their hunting and weightlifting sons queer. Trust me, if you’re that concerned, it’s already time to knock first on your son’s door when “Keith” is over studying.

Seth Rogen came out on Twitter blasting American Sniper as blatant war machine propaganda, followed shortly by Michael Moore who by association then made Seth Rogen look like just another fat complainer. Although Michael Moore claims his comments about real American snipers being cowards compared to invaded countries snipers being good neighbors had nothing to do with the American Sniper movie. Sort of like his trips to grab Ring Dings at 3am has nothing to do with his figure. Yes, that’s a fat joke. Even God knows that’s okay for the assholes he left slip through.

I could care less about people’s personal politics. I mostly just want everybody to shut the fuck up. If you have something intelligent to say about seemingly pointless extended police actions in foreign lands, write out your thoughts and serve it up to be digested. Chris Rock wrote an extended piece on race in Hollywood that turned out to be spot on. Tweeting is not meant for thoughtful debate, it’s a giant scoop of ‘look at me now, I’m import…’ ran out of characters. You write stupid shit, wait for idiots like Newt Gingrich to compulsively respond with similarly myopic shit, then run to the juice bar to get slapped on the back for being a brave Internet warrior. See that reflective shimmer from the distant rooftop? Three blocks to safety, tubby.

The Interview Contending For Worst

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 8:16 AM

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The self-delighted Razzies have shortlisted Seth Rogen and James Franco as Worst Actor and The Interview as Worst Picture of 2014. As much as I love America I’ve yet to see The Interview. My queue is pretty backed up with All in the Family re-runs. There’s no way it’s the worst movie in any year Michael Bay is still making films and casting Mark Wahlberg in them. This seems far more like the Razzies jumping the SEO trending bandwagon on The Interview to get a little traffic.

Maybe this type of annual panning was needed before the Internet and Rotten Tomatoes and thousands of reviewers skewering movies daily in blog posts. There’s little joy to be had in waiting six months to announce you too thought Jaden Smith sucked in the film his dad forced the studios to make. Thanks, but the guy from ILoveMeSome Films.com already beat you to the punch with all the good Jaden Smith jokes. The Razzies can capitalize on the media attention of The Interview, but nobody’s reading their drivel. Here’s your award, bunch of smelly guys in the Howard Johnson. It’s a mop, now get to work. You have to be out by 10:30.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Bow Down To The Probably Non-Existent Terrorists

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

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James Rogen and Seth Franco cancelled all their media appearances for The Interview. I guess it’s all fun and games until you figure maybe Virginia Tech. Or Sony forced their hand because a Dead Franco is a serious insurance payoff. Not to be outdone Landmark Theaters cancelled the NYC premiere of the film, soon followed by other theater chains announcing they would no longer be showing the movie out of safety concerns. Where’s all that These Colors Don’t Run shit when you need it? You just handed a winning ticket voucher to a pudgy virgin ten thousand miles away who I heard is a bad tipper. Or a skinny redhead in Suburban Denver. I have no idea, I’m just making shit up. That’s the whole point. Maybe they don’t exist. North Korea exists but when’s the last time they bombed a movie theater in the U.S.? Grow a pair. Get your spine and your fucking Orange Crush and buy a ticket. We’re America, not Ameri-pussy. I also just made that up. You can steal it.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Sony Chief Pressures Seth Rogen

By Matt December 12, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

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Kazuo Hirai, the Chief Executive of Sony, ordered a part of The Interview where Kim Jong Un’s head blows up to be toned down, even though he rarely if ever oversees the content of films. This came after the film was denounced by Un as ‘terrorism’, meaning Hirai just made America look like a pnsy bitch. Seth Rogen co-directed the film, and had to haggle particulars of what percentage of Un’s hair could be on fire and how many burn marks he could have on his face because that’s important. Finally Rogen took a stand after Sony kept butting in:

“The head explosion can’t be more obscured than it is because we honestly feel that if it’s any more obscured, you won’t be able to tell it’s exploding and the joke won’t work.”

People in high paying positions always find a way to justify their worth, whether its arbitrarily nit picking hair fires or belittling interns on a whim. Un’s head still blows up, and someone still hacked your computers because they were pissed. Don’t you wish now you’d taken a stand instead of being intimidated by that Hyundai with tinted windows parked outside your house all week? Grow a pair Kazuo, our enemies don’t respect us when we retreat.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Rogen Says NFL Defends Dirtbags And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 08, 2014 @ 12:07 PM

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Former fatty Seth Rogen called the NFL on their shit by pointing out that they have harsher punishments for smoking weed than for beating a woman like Ray Rice did. Shame on us, America. It took a Canadian pothead to point out our hypocrisy in our preeminent sporting event.

Read all of Seth’s truth bombs. (Dlisted)

Rita Rusic is 54 and looks better than your girlfriend in her bikini. (Egotastic)

¡Daniela Lopez Osorio en un bikini es muy caliente! (Popoholic)

Lea Michele’s sideboob is more talented than she is. (COED)

Amanda Cerny is a hotter than the hitchhikers I pick up and mur…give a ride. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicki Minaj shows lame white models how to “anaconda”. (Drunken Stepfather)

Prince William put his royal man yogurt in Kate Middleton. (The Superficial)

Seth Rogen Pisses Off North Korea And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 25, 2014 @ 3:34 PM

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The North Koreans have their commie panties in a bunch about Seth Rogen and James Franco’s latest shitty movie, The Interview. In the film the comedy duo assassinate North Korea’s lesbian midget leader Kim Jong-Un. The North Koreans called the film an act of terrorism. For once I agree with them.

Read all about the Korean threats against the fat guy from Knocked Up. (BroBible)

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog poops all over all the World Cup nonsense. (Huffington Post)

Miranda Kerr nipples to drink from. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hayden Panettiere shows off her swollen preggo tits in a bikini. (Popoholic)

A guy is suing Justin Bieber for using his credit card to buy abortions and coke. (For The Bros)

Khloe Kardashian is the worst thing to happen to Native Americans since Andrew Jackson. (Defamer)

Megan Fox is tired of being a working mom. When was the last time she worked? (Dlisted)