By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
The Oscars are an obnoxious self congratulatory circle jerk you’re occasionally forced to sit through with your girlfriend while she cries and you consider breaking up with her. She would totally blow Cumberbatch. Not even hypothetically. Just right now, on this couch. Your best bet is to turn this into an under the radar Super Bowl. Bet half your mortgage on a few gut instincts. Vegas odds on Birdman winning Best Picture were 18 to 1. The key here is not to tell your chick what you have invested. She’ll think you suddenly give a shit about evening gowns and are finally making an effort. Throw a safety bottle of Jack in the bathroom cabinet and make frequent pit stops. It goes well with the bottle of cab on the table. You’ll be feeling pretty good once this shit show nears its finale. Just like that you made eighteen thousand dollars and you’re in a crying embrace. I think she’s onto me. Let’s double up on the Papa Johns and fire up the industrial lighting. We’re shooting a fuck tape for the ages. Call into work tomorrow. We need some more cab. It’s so magical!
Photo Credit: Oscars.go.com
By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 3:20 PM
Jennifer Lawrence took a break from being disgusted by Hollywood selling young sexy woman to show up without panties at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It’s a bold meta statement on her desire to get the media to confess their sins. Quit looking at my pussy, you insidious sellers of snatch! As a reflection of her principles, Jennifer donates five-percent of revenues from all gigs she books due to her big young rack to a charity that helps hot women lament their good looks.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 4:58 PM
Kim Novak became the butt joke of the Oscars last night for looking like every single other woman in that audience is going to look sometime in the next three decades. For Goldie Hawn, about four more days. You might as well build a time machine and travel forward to mock your future senior self. Matthew McConaughey could join you in the machine and go visit his hero, the even more stoned self-involved version of himself. Sure, Kim Novak looks like Madame the Puppet without the tender dearly departed hand of Wayland Flowers up her ass. But who exactly is mocking her? John Travolta who’s genetically modified hair follicles Spidey tingle anytime a JV high school basketball team hits the showers within an eight block radius? Angelina Jolie who lopped off her breasts to even the playing field against future breast cancer? Bette Midler who God has cursed with looking like Bettle Midler. Kim Novak was a hot Polish chick from Chicago who made a cool movie 55 years ago. So, she wracked her face and she sounds like the chain smoking lady at the end of the horseshoe at an off-strip gambling parlor in Vegas. You know, the one who calls you by the city where she thinks you’re from. Leave this old lady alone. Or she’ll fucking haunt your dreams like a shrunken apple head dangling from a string above your bed for the rest of eternity.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:16 PM
While daddy struggles with the minority-hating man in the mirror, Ireland Baldwin has been tapped to be the Oscar night fashion correspondent for TVGN. I have no fucking clue what TVGN is or what Ireland Baldwin knows about fashion, but if they can commit to having Ireland correspond in a thong bikini, I’d take the time to spin through those couple hundred alternating gay propaganda and Christian ministry channels on DirecTV. I’m not sure how deep Ireland Baldwin is on the fashion correspondent depth chart, but now that everybody has a cable channel, you can count on seeing the likes of Tootie from Facts of Life and a guy who once played Dr. Who in a college engineering department skit reporting live from the red carpet. For me, it will always be about the wondrous look in Seacrest’s eyes as he imagines himself in each successive flowing gown that keeps me tuned in for two hours of pre-show.
Photo Credit: Ireland Baldwin/Instagram