will smith is number one

By brendon February 10, 2009 @ 1:32 PM

Forbes magazine has named Will Smith the most bankable star in Hollywood after an industry survey asking what actors can most easily attract financing, theatrical distribution, and an audience.  Angelina Jolie tied for second on the list, and was one of only three women in the top 20.  So don’t confuse this with the Top 20 People Who Beat Me Up In The Third Grade.  That list only had two girls names on it.

wtf! – update (!)

By brendon February 04, 2009 @ 11:52 AM

Aww god dammit.  Is everyone in Hollywood on HGH except me?  This is bullshit.  If anyone out there has a hookup for HGH let me know.  I’m not kidding.  I want that shit.   Tom Cruise was a mess a few months ago, now look at him yesterday in Brazil.  He's like a damn underwear model.  I just drafted him as a free safety in my fantasy league.  

(picture source = splash news.  Im tryng to get better and more of these pictures.  And I’m not even remotely kidding about the HGH.  Someone hook my ass up.  Im gonna get all buff and shit.)

UPDATE – finally a better picture, full size here.

tom cruise is getting a makeover

By brendon January 23, 2009 @ 12:02 PM

Believe it or not there was a time when everyone loved Tom Cruise and his goofy religion was no secret but he and his team keep his doofusness in check.  Then in 2005 he fired Pat Kingsly, his publicist since 1995, and replaced her with his scientologist sister.  Not a good idea, as it turns out.  Now he has a new PR team, and it would seem they’re starting with the basics.  Star says…

- no lecturing any talk show hosts (think: Matt Lauer!) about Scientology
- be more connected to the audience, stop wearing sunglasses on the red carpet
- no showing up at premieres in fancy cars. "They don't want him to seem arrogant during the recession!"
- the No. 1 priority? Winning back Tom's female fans … appear on women-friendly programs like The View. "It's all very calculated," the insider says … and when in public with Katie Holmes, "Tom needs to quit grabbing her arm and pulling her around. The idea is to make him the kinder, gentler Tom, not a controlling husband with a Stepford wife."

Um, isn’t all that just a longer way to say, don’t lecture people about religion, don’t flaunt your wealth and fame, and don’t manhandle your wife in public.  I don’t mean to brag, but I think most people kind of know that all by themselves.  If he’s this dumb how does he even drive a car?  How far back does this go?  Does he understand colors?  How does he tell the difference between the ignition and the dog?  Or does he just shove the key into both and see which one bites him?

WOOF

By brendon December 17, 2008 @ 3:25 PM

You know what would have been funnier then the Top 10 list that Tom Crusie had to read last night on David Letterman? Anything. Literally anything on earth. 

TOMS SECRETS MIGHT BE IN DANGER

By brendon December 10, 2008 @ 3:03 PM

The New York Post says that Tom Cruise has lost his Blackberry, and it's feared, based on stuff I'm making up right now, that some Canadian scoundrel out there now has access to his private information and secrets.  

After Cruise did a full-hour interview with "Entertainment Tonight Canada," his people called the studio asking if anyone had found the gadget. "A search was done, but, nada," Govani said. "So, basically, someone in Toronto has Top Gun's crackberry."

This might be interesting depending on how much stuff this goofy bastard has on there.  Hopefully he wrote down the secrets to Scientology, because many of us would love to know the truth, including how to defeat Xenus Seven Deadly Curses, and pass the impassable River of Flames!

WHATS WITH KATIES TEETH?

By brendon October 24, 2008 @ 5:33 AM

Yesterday the Daily Mail had something about Katie Holmes and her scary new teeth.

The actress was seen leaving her New York apartment for the theatre, when she unwittingly revealed her chipped tooth.
Clearly the wife of Tom Cruise has missed a couple of dental appointments of late as she was seen looking less than polished as she headed to work yesterday.
Dressed in a cropped black leather jacket, jeans and a sweater, Katie smiled for the cameras.
But instead of her usual blinding white smile, in its place was a rather ropey looking snaggled toothed grin.
It could be a case of missing veneers, or a loose crown or two, but clearly Katie is in need of an emergency trip to the dentist.

I like to base conclusions on nothing but stuff I made up just now, so with that in mind it's clear this has something to do with scientology.  If their dental technology is as advanced as their e-meter (cans attached to wires) technology, a scientology dentist will use a drill attached to a potters wheel that he pedals with his foot.  I'm sure novocain is somehow bad, so to make her comfortable Katie has to wear a special belt foretold in the prophecy by L Ron Hubbard.  It's big and silver and on the buckle is a Space Puma (who looks like a regular puma but with stars around him) inside an big red X.  Space Puma is also making a fist, letting Katies pain receptors know they’ll get a knuckle sandwich if they give her any trouble.

picture source = bauer griffin and splash