You know what would have been funnier then the Top 10 list that Tom Crusie had to read last night on David Letterman? Anything. Literally anything on earth.
TOMS SECRETS MIGHT BE IN DANGER
By brendon December 10, 2008 @ 3:03 PM
The New York Post says that Tom Cruise has lost his Blackberry, and it's feared, based on stuff I'm making up right now, that some Canadian scoundrel out there now has access to his private information and secrets.
After Cruise did a full-hour interview with "Entertainment Tonight Canada," his people called the studio asking if anyone had found the gadget. "A search was done, but, nada," Govani said. "So, basically, someone in Toronto has Top Gun's crackberry."
This might be interesting depending on how much stuff this goofy bastard has on there. Hopefully he wrote down the secrets to Scientology, because many of us would love to know the truth, including how to defeat Xenus Seven Deadly Curses, and pass the impassable River of Flames!
WHATS WITH KATIES TEETH?
By brendon October 24, 2008 @ 5:33 AM
Yesterday the Daily Mail had something about Katie Holmes and her scary new teeth.
The actress was seen leaving her New York apartment for the theatre, when she unwittingly revealed her chipped tooth.
Clearly the wife of Tom Cruise has missed a couple of dental appointments of late as she was seen looking less than polished as she headed to work yesterday.
Dressed in a cropped black leather jacket, jeans and a sweater, Katie smiled for the cameras.
But instead of her usual blinding white smile, in its place was a rather ropey looking snaggled toothed grin.
It could be a case of missing veneers, or a loose crown or two, but clearly Katie is in need of an emergency trip to the dentist.
I like to base conclusions on nothing but stuff I made up just now, so with that in mind it's clear this has something to do with scientology. If their dental technology is as advanced as their e-meter (cans attached to wires) technology, a scientology dentist will use a drill attached to a potters wheel that he pedals with his foot. I'm sure novocain is somehow bad, so to make her comfortable Katie has to wear a special belt foretold in the prophecy by L Ron Hubbard. It's big and silver and on the buckle is a Space Puma (who looks like a regular puma but with stars around him) inside an big red X. Space Puma is also making a fist, letting Katies pain receptors know they’ll get a knuckle sandwich if they give her any trouble.
picture source = bauer griffin and splash
VALKYRIE HAS A NEW TRAILER
By brendon September 26, 2008 @ 9:42 AM
"Valkyrie" has been plagued by bad press for months and had it's release date pushed back several times, despite a big name cast and crew led by Tom Cruise, director Brian Singer and Christopher McQuarrie, the worlds greatest screenwriter. The movie is about the failed plot to kill Hitler by Nazi officers, who clearly didn’t learn anything by all their failed attempts at killing Indiana Jones. Just shoot him, he’s standing right there, I swear to god if you shoot him it will work.
If you want to know why people think Scientology is a cult that uses harassment and intimidation to scare people, its because Scientology is a cult that uses harassment and intimidation to scare people. Here in this video taken yesterday, Scientology volunteers pass out flyers with pictures, real names and home addresses of members of the protest group Anonymous. Meanwhile, a few miles away, Tom Crusie watched it all unfold on a wall of monitors in a big leather chair as he tapped his fingers together and said, "gooood, good, everything is going according to plan."
XENU GOT TO PINK
By brendon September 12, 2008 @ 8:50 AM
Will Smith and Jennifer Lopez have yet to officially confirm that they've become scientologists, although many think that is the case, and now Star magazine says there may another secret convert.
Pop star PINK has reportedly turned to Scientology to help her move on after her split from husband CAREY HART.
The pair's two-year marriage ended earlier this year (08), and friends reveal the singer has sought comfort from pal Juliette Lewis, who is introducing her to the controversial religion, popular with superstars like Beck, Lisa Marie Presley, Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
A source tells Star magazine, "Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved."
Eh who cares. It’s just Pink. People act like Scientology is talking over Hollywood. More often than not it's nobodies like Danny Masterson, Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley. You could see a more star studded line up than that at an Alabama boat show.
