Paris Hilton Fakes It And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Lazy-eyed heiress Paris Hilton may have been in on that plane crash practical joke from earlier in the week. At least that’s what people are saying. I don’t buy it. That DJ is not good enough of an actress. She used to get upstaged by her dog.

Could someone as honest as Paris lie? (Huffington Post)

Stella Maxwell’s tits are delightful. That Miley is one lucky bitch. (Egotastic)

Matt Damon’s ponytail is the worst thing to happen to the world since 9/11. (TMZ)

Berit Birkeland, River Lana, and Yasmina Jones want you to see their pretty pink nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Nicole Lee’s tits get patriotic with American flag bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Eva Longoria knows how to fill out a bikini. (Popoholic)

Bras are for losers. (The Chive)

Demi Lovato Denies Ripping Song

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Demi Lovato Black Bikini Top In NYC
Demi Lovato’s camped wasted no time jumping the lesbian experimentation money train with her song Cool for Summer. Hint, she tries kissing a girl. Seems edgy. Where’s my drachma? Critics are suggesting the song seems like an intentional rip of Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl which now seems culturally groundbreaking by comparison. It was also noted that Cool for Summer sounds like ten other songs currently out possibly because they’re all made in the same factory in Van Nuys waiting to be doled out arbitrarily to 20s somethings with eating disorders in cut-out bras.  Lovato defended her song by irrelevantly invoking gay rights:

…sounds nothing like [I Kissed a Girl] and with all the advances we’ve made in the LGBT community…

No need for form a complete sentence. Point taken. Whatever it is. If I could see her belly button and maybe her last two cutting scars, I could probably come up with a definitive answer on the copyright claims. Until then, stare into her tits. This isn’t John Tesh at Red Rocks. There is no deeper message.

Photo Credit: Getty

Rihanna Topless And Bloody (VIDEO)

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 10:38 AM

Rihanna Topless In Bitch Better Have My Money
Rihanna’s new music video Bitch Better Have My Money has all the elements of a successful composition. Rihanna’s tits. There’s a ton of shit in here I don’t understand. Who are the bitches? What have they done with the money? But I do understand this is miles better than the Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea music video which did not include Rihanna’s tits. The video is age gated on YouTube which means you must agree that you are eighteen to watch, which seems completely unfair to the dumbest ten percent of American middle schoolers. We could lament the state of modern popular music and how this could encourage the belief among young women that flashing their naked bodies is the only way for them to get ahead in life. Who wants to live in that world? Put your top back on, Madison. Girls can drive the Zamboni now.

Photo Credit: Rihanna “Bitch Better Have My Money”

Eva Longoria Compares Trump to Hitler

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 9:53 AM

Eva Longoria Dives In An Orange Bikini In Miami
In an ingeniously clever bit of rhetoric, Eva Longoria deftly invoked the specter of Adolf Hitler when discussing Donald Trumps remarks about Mexico pushing their rapists and drug dealers across the border into the U.S. In an instant, the entire domain of people with shallow debate skills lamented their comparatively less effective tropes of the past seventy years.

What I think he doesn’t understand and what people don’t understand is words create emotional poison. …Hitler moved a nation with words, just words.

It’s hard to argue. Both Hitler and Trump employed words. Hitler also seized control of the Parliament and the immensely built up military of post-Weimar Germany and slaughtered his neighbors. Trump wears a hair piece and fucks middle aged models. Eva Longoria gave her remarks to the National Association of Latino Independent Producers who being rapists and drug dealers themselves were very sympathetic to her remarks. Fuck, there goes my Univision contract. More importantly, Longoria was able to name drop Hitler and be back to the hotel pool performing near perfect swan dives within the hour. It’s hard to dislike an attractive woman. Work your way up to it slowly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Miley Cyrus Certainly Seems Bisexual (VIDEO)

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 8:59 AM

There’s a lesson to be learned here. Women can have it all these days. Money, cock, pussy. the good weed, social media likes. Miley Cyrus just announced she’s bisexual as part of her movement to join every edgy progressive label possible with only upsides and no work. She’s already making out with a Victoria’s Secret model outside her trailer on music video shoots. I don’t know what to say. I’d rather fuck Stella Maxwell than Patrick Schwarzenegger as well. I don’t need to spend any more time in the 24 Hour Fitness Men’s Locker Room to know that I decidedly prefer the sight and smell of women. Miley, we should hang out. Shot for shot on some Old Grand-Dad and hook up with some JuCo chicks who don’t know any better. if we strike out, we could fuck each other. I mention that out of convenience. I’m super angry at my parents too.

Lisa Opie in a Bikini

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 8:31 AM

Lisa Opie Bikini Booty In Miami
Fat women will point out how skinny women are just as likely to die in a thermonuclear explosion as they are. It’s probably not to your benefit to skip meals to fit perfectly into your little bikini. But that’s you. Let’s talk about me. I appreciate it. There’ll be time for Arby’s when you’re older and your attorneys have quashed your first prenup. Fuck early, often, and skinny, and you won’t need to be part of the body shape debate women invented to feel the tingle of self-hatred. Men who appreciate full-figured women earn 32-cents on the dollar to men who like women who starve themselves to look pretty. I’m not buying your commitment to bulimia. Back away from the scone.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Divorcing

By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 8:13 AM


It’s unclear if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing because he’s an alcoholic and gambling addict and his family owned slaves or because he’s a crappy husband.  Usually one leads to the other. Few relationships end over a lack of blackjack and cigar smoking. He also might just be moving onto younger ass. The pair have been married for over ten years, which means in Hollywood terms they’ll be entombed eternally. Furthering the glass is half full viewpoint, how often do you find a straight actor anymore? The breakup was apparently mutual, meaning Affleck texted back a thumbs up emoji. It appears the two did no have a prenup or have any use for one since neither appears to be a gold digging whore. It was great while it lasted. On to the strip club then more meet and greets at the White House.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

The Donald Dropped By Macy’s

By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 7:39 AM


Donald Trump fired back at Macy’s after they dropped his clothing line because of his couple or three racist comments about Mexicans. It turns out you can’t even be president if the Latinos are indifferent towards you, let alone when your campaign consists mostly of picking on the bus boys. Macy’s issued a statement generally calling Trump an idiot and reminding customers of their upcoming Dia de la Raza Sale. Trump shot back that he doesn’t really care about the Macy’s deal because his dad gave him all his money, and issued some inflammatory statements which everyone ignores now, saying they:

“Support illegal immigration, which is totally detrimental to the fabric of our once great country.”

Yes I remember the good old days when people could afford a shitty studio apartment in Manhattan. God willing you’re doing what you can to change that. Reality TV has been a major contributor to society as well. Also, your hair is fucking gross. There appears to be no truth to his comments. I went to the zoo once and walked by the parrots without catching what they were saying. At some point they got louder. By then I was balls deep in a churro.

Photo Credit: Instagram