By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Some autistic guy approached Kanye West and asked him to sign a photo of Kim Kardashian which had his crusted jizz on it. Embarrassingly enough the photo was from one of her weddings which got poor ratings and West refused to sign it. It’s a precarious situation. Nobody likes to think about Kris Humphries banging your wife or even playing basketball. If it’s any consolation they probably never fucked anyways. Normally I’d find this situation awkward. You don’t want to think about the other dicks your wife has had in her. It averages between 7.5 and 402 but Kim’s obviously higher on the curve. When there’s an easily accessible video of your lovely bride being bent over in good lighting it must be all the more difficult. If his marriage is real he should down some pills and finally pull the trigger.
Photo Credit: Youtube.com
By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
The chick whose tits are made of waterbeds got liquored up and made me fall in love with her again. She says she actually eats at Carl’s Jr. but I’m willing to believe she’s a sexy liar. Whatever works. I’m not paying attention just turn the fan on. To be beautiful and mildly retarded must be fantastic. I’ve only experienced half of it but it’s not terrible. That All Natural burger sounds pretty good. God I would take her ass to Wendy’s. Read to your kids.
Video Credit: TMZ
By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Taylor Swift is on vacation in Maui with three reasonably hot chicks that she paid to come along with so she’d look normal. I really thought this only happened in the movies. It’s not clear at which point some grizzly guy with a machete will start offing them one by one once they accidentally stumble into a cave. I hope they can avoid the situation but the stats don’t lie. God I bet they tried those bathing suits on in front of each other whilst giggling. Swift obviously told the girls they’d have to share the suite because it was the last room in the house before breaking out the black Sharpie. That faked phone call is getting me all hot and bothered. It’s the slow season. These young women are thirty margaritas and a Skinemax away from the best thing that’s ever happened to them. How much are tickets, it’s worth a shot in the dark. What happens in Maui stays in the 808. Spread ‘em.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:
“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”
Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 2:06 PM
This actress turned nude model turned actress with suddenly much better roles knows exactly how to play the game. Play the topless dancer in the song Robin Thicke borrowed from Marvin Gaye. Take a bath on Instagram. Be the Fappening chick who frigs herself so furiously that nearby tinder ignites. Let your vagina dance like nobody’s watching. You shall be our queen.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 1:00 PM
Taylor Swift has a new fragrance. As you can imagine, it’s just as irrepressibly fresh and flirty and fun as she is. With just a hint of cat pee and Sara Lee cheesecake bites to remind you of your own special destiny. It’s also based on her favorite watercolor hues and a bunch of other things that actually aren’t related to smell unless you’re tripping pretty hard.
The fragrances before this represented love. This fragrance represents life.
– Taylor Swift making shut up about her new perfume.
That seems like a heavy burden for a bunch of aromas concocted in a factory just north of Elko. I wouldn’t expect my scented Mitchum roll-on to represent life or friendship. Maybe just justice or fair trade or something do-able. Taylor Swift isn’t just a transformative music artist, she’s a brand who is going to suck the ever living soul out of your parent’s pocketbook. Because she can. And deep down, you want her too.
Photo Credit: Taylor Swift “Incredible Things”
By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 12:13 PM
Every five years Kate Hudson composts her hemp diaphragm and lets a rock star make a baby inside of her. Get your discography together if you want to make a good looking kid. Not that you heard it from me, but I’d wait until you see the glassy stare in her eyes before you ask for intercourse proper. While waiting, why not sample some of her athletic gear. Fabletics. Kate came up with that name by combining the word athletics with the word fabliau, which is a polite French word for cum covered whore with canker sore lips. There are only so many domain names left.
Photo Credit: Fabletics
By Jack January 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Former heavyweight champ and permanently concussed Mike Tyson said that he often tries to emulate Benito Mussolini. To be fair, Tyson didn’t really know that Mussolini was a vicious tyrant who raped and assaulted his own people. Or maybe he did.
Iron Mike + Il Duce = love. (TMZ)
Kayslee Collins topless is what makes this job so worthwhile. (Egotastic)
Seth Rogen says he’s sorry he pissed people off with his American Sniper tweets. (Huffington Post)
Miley Cyrus giving Patrick Schwarzenegger herpes simplex A in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)
Yara Khmidan looks hotter in lingerie than your girlfriend. (Popoholic)
Cara Delevingne posses topless. I can see now why she turns so many girls gay. (The Superficial)
It’s a sad day today as the Sky Mall catalog files for bankruptcy. (Dlisted)