While singing at the funeral for Etta James over the weekend, something that looked like blood began dripping down Christina Aguileras leg. Her reps told AOL it was actually self-tanner, but I want to think about her spreading her legs and tanning her vagina even less than I want to think about her menstruating, so I’m just gonna stick with blood.
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“Going from George Clooney to Steve-O,” sounds like an analogy that’s supposed to be funny, as if to describe a girl who’s dating life has gone to hell. And with good reason, because one is a handsome billionaire actor, and the other staples his balls to things.
But I bet Elisabetta Canalis wouldn’t find it funny, because she reportedly has gone from dating George Clooney to Steve-O. In real life.
There’s no explanation for why she’s done this, but I assume it has something to do with a combination of low self esteem, alcohol, and magic.
The entire original cast of ‘Arrested Development’, as well as the original writers, are all now confirmed for a new season and a movie, which you may already know if you live near me and heard me squealing with delight just now.
To all the skeptics out there, (writer Dean) Lorey confirmed that production is underway, even though the schedule is under wraps. “There are offices and parking spaces,” he wrote. The new season is slated to debut on Netflix in 2013, with a film to follow.
It may seem weird that a show this great and with such obvious fan support couldn’t find a home on a network, but one look at the prime-time ratings for NBC or ABC and it’s obvious that those network executives really know what they’re doing. If it aint broke, don’t fix it, ya know.
Jennifer Lopez was on her balcony in Miami yesterday, and she must have gotten some bad news during this phone call because she ended up crying. And come to think of it I did call Jennifer Lopez yesterday pretending to be a doctor and told her that the lump we found is cancer. I wonder if it had to do with that.
(image source = bauer griffin)
Katy Perry made her first public appearance since her divorce Friday night at the Mirage in Las Vegas for a charity event called GiveLove. I don’t know who that guy is that she’s with though. I looked but it didn’t say. His parents should be ashamed of themselves for raising such a failure for a son.
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Christina Aguilera brought her son Max to Cirque du Soleil at the Staples Center in LA last night, but then left almost as soon as she arrived. “What kind of a bullshit circus doesn’t have fried candy bars and funnel cakes,” a source heard her say.
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Jennifer Lopez was in Miami today, wearing a white swimsuit for a photo shoot, and she actually positioned herself and stood so only her ass was behind the wall and hidden from view. Either that or her fat ass is wedged in a doorway and she’s stuck.
Oh please oh please oh please oh please…
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Nicole Kidman went to lunch at Joans on Third in LA today, and when she arrived she had the whole place to herself. Not because she’s famous, but because she looks like the ghost of a murdered 60’s Barbie, and ghosts are very scary.
(image source = pacific coast)
It was a real wake-up call when Demi Moore collapsed Monday night, because if someone as strong and vibrant as Demi could pass-out, then it could literally happen to anyone.
But now the audio from that 9-1-1 call has been released, and it turns out her friends saw her smoking something which may have caused all this. Either salvia or potpourri from the sounds of it.
Explains the caller: “She smoked something. It’s not marijuana…It’s similar to incense. She seems to be having convulsions.”
When asked if Moore was breathing normally, the caller replies, “No, not so normal…[She's] shaking…burning up.”
The unidentified woman adds that Moore “has been having some issues lately.”
That had to be a scary time for Demi. And today won’t be much better since the operator spent 80 percent of the call giving out Demis address, directions to her house, and how to get in.
After they said it for the 90th time, I deduced that she lives at 9740 Oak Pass Road in Beverly Hills. Here. Just take Benedict Canyon to Hutton; her house is the second right. I’d hate for Megan Fox to have to call 9-1-1, but if she did and got this guy, that would be terrific.
Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.
Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”
Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!
The middle, “disgusting food or drink” segment on this Mondays ‘Fear Factor’ will have the contestants drinking glasses of donkey semen, and NBC is so upset they threatened to stop the show.
Well, actually the show was filmed over the summer. It’s not like it’s live. Getting that much donkey semen on a live show would be tough on the farmers wrists. So really all NBC threatened to do was make people drink donkey semen for no reason.
We’re told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen — with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.
Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows … but eventually gave the thumbs up.
On a somewhat related note, Perez Hilton now says he really really really wants to be on ‘Fear Factor’. “This way it will all be nice and legal,” he said, though I’m not sure what “it” refers to.
(”You know who isn’t upset about all this? The donkey who got jacked off until he filled three pitchers,” said the Army Donkey with a bullet-magnet slowly riding him through an open field. “Fuck my life,” he continued.)
Supermodel Adriana Lima is way out on St. Barts today, supermodeling for Victorias Secret, so, if you know where Adriana Lima lives, this would be a good time to break into her house.
(image source = fame)
