Hey, Akram, you just sacked Mosul, what are you going to do next?
I’m slicing off Iraqi girl clits. Okay, yes, at Disneyworld.

Islamic radicals seem really into desecrating, beating, and mutilating women. It’s a weird obsession seen more commonly in ritualistic serial killers profiled on Dateline NBC specials.

According to reports, those new ISIS Islamists taking over Iraq have ordered that all Iraqi women between the ages of 11 and 46 report to the nearest Mosul Starbucks for genital mutilation. If you’re 47 or over, you’re grandmothered into your clit. Congratulations. Though you’re still not allowed to have sex or touch yourself without sentence of death for seven lifetimes. Many on the ground are claiming this ‘fatwa’ from ISIS might be a hoax planted in the media as Islamic Fundamentalists don’t typically practice Female Genital Mutilation, preferring to stick with the old standards of Honor Killings, Tire Burnings, Stonings, and giddily sending four-year old girls off to be deflowered on their wedding nights. Either way, the women under their regime are not being gifted dildos and pirated Adrien Zmed VHS tapes and told to flick it old school.

Just because women in Iraq are having their feet chopped off for being caught in open toed sandals doesn’t mean American women should shut the hell up about how sexy shoe ads in US Weekly are barbaric. But they should certainly consider that option.

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