Ruby Palm Washes A Car

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:48 AM

Ruby Palm Washes A Car In A Pink Bikini
Damn these death water merchants are prolific. This chick I believe they found stocking shelves at the packy around the corner, handed her a pink thong and fifty bucks, and told her her motivation was she’s being raped, but in the fun way. In case you’re wondering, you could hook this same situation up on any block along Sunset for the same fifty. For a hundred you could walk away with the photos and the uneasy feeling it’s going to hurt like hell to pee in the morning. Commerce is beautiful. This girl isn’t half bad either.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:06 AM

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram

Chelsea Handler Has a Brand New Old Bag

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 9:41 AM

Chelsea Handler Bare Boobs On Whitney Cummings
Give Chelsea Handler some credit. When people stopped looking, she mixed things up. Change or die. Shove your mams in Whitney Cumming’s face. It’s fresh. A couple comedienne sevens gay baiting Instagram during their respective forever hiatuses from television. Next pic she’s titty fucking the new Ray Lewis statue or I’m canceling my subscription again.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Gabi Grecko Is America

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 9:09 AM

Gabi Grecko Has An Amazing Instagram
Whoring used to be a surreptitious profession. Girls had cover jobs like waitress or Macy’s makeup counter associate and you wondered how they could afford an Audi. Maybe their daddy was rich or they lost a lung as a child from elementary school asbestos and had a trust fund. You didn’t go straight to whore. Now the working girls are emblazoning their career choices on social media.

Aspiring model and DJ, Gabi Grecko, got herself on some low rent reality show called Club Kids New York on the Axis Channel. The Axis Channel is available only in Tribeca west of Broadway and certain parts of Bulgaria if the seventh son of the seventh son stands on the roof with rabbit ears. Her sexual behavior on the show carries over to her social media pages where she posts tons of pictures of her tits. Enough photos to get elderly Australian playboy Geoffrey Edelstein interested in having her rub grapefruits on his cock while he tries to stay awake. It’d be easy to discredit Grecko, but she has a more capitalistic mentality than the rest of her millennial cohorts. She’s not looking for a handout, simply waking up every morning and taking her prized hogs to market. We used to call that America. Somebody pin a medal on this chick. Or old man sperm. Though your credit card will be billed for the latter.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Madonna Descends

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

Madonna tumbles

Madonna’s something around Methuselah plus four score years old now, her centuries of aging masked only by the power of her Kabbalah bracelet and collagen injections. That giant cape she performed in at the Brit Awards nearly ended her. It was meant to fly away and blind those in the front row from the sight of her exposed lumbar girdle. But some future fired stage troll tied the cape too tight and it clotheslined Madonna right off the stage. She nearly impaled herself on a gay dancer horn. Even the undead can’t survive that misfortune.

Armani hooked me up! My beautiful cape was tied too tight! But nothing can stop me and love really lifted me up! Thanks for your good wishes! I’m fine! #livingforlove — Madonna reassuring her public on Instagram

Love didn’t lift you, that was three point five Newtons of force exerted on a mass of forty kilos not including makeup. It’s time to put Granny in the home. If she resists, bind the ankles and start the drip. You can still have so many wonderful concerts in your head, Madge. It’s time for soup.

LeBron James Ten Year Old College Bound

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

James

LeBron James ten year old son, LeBron James Jr, has already been recruited by multiple colleges according to James who expressed his irritation and then dangled a carrot in front of anyone potentially interested:

“It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids… He plays just like I did.”

Stop being interested in my kid. He’s going to be as good as me. Don’t look at him. He can hand you five championships. Get off my lawn! Wait, he gets his own dorm building?

It’s possible Jr hasn’t actually been recruited and James is just getting the word out. Still I wouldn’t put it past them. Kentucky scouts neonatal wards for obscenely long babies with good trajectory. Even if this kid doesn’t pan out you’re still looking at a sweet new sponsored practice facility. I’ll wager one year over under on his post secondary. Better than nothing. The American Dream is alive and well. For dad at least.

Photo Credit: TakeMyTalent/Youtube 

Wall Street Porn Star Still Talking

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Vain

Paige A Jennings, whose given porn name is Veronica Vain, continues to milk her fairly decent gimmick about how she was fired from her Wall Street job because her boss recognized naked photos of her on the Internet. At this point her only options would be to sue the ever loving shit out of the company or delve headfirst into porn on a whim. Vain wrote a lengthy boner killing piece explaining how she is a marketing genius. In it she brags openly about how smart she is even though nobody is asking. You do porn. Rationalize it on your own time. People don’t really care anymore, but it’s not a triumph over the adversity of working forty hours a week:

“I know this is the right path for me: I have the brains, sexuality, passion, confidence, and personality to be successful if I play my cards right. Still, I hope I do not become some sort of inspiration to women to follow in my footsteps unless they, too, struggle with an immense libido and above average interest in sexuality combined with common sense and intelligence. But, as for me, I have no regrets. I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t if I could. I am Veronica Vain.”

I’m sorry did you just feed a hungry child or take a load on your face? Vain really wants you to think she’s not just another porn star, even though she’s just another porn star. Insecure and the self-awareness of a garden snail. Zero women not on anti-depressants since middle school are following in your footsteps and nobody is listening to what you have to say. In fact my laptop is on mute right now. Solid work.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Real Housewives Catty With Bethenny Frankel

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Bethenny Frankel Wears A Snakeskin Bikini In Miami

According to obviously promotional gossip leaked to the lazy media, the other Real Housewives of New York are pissed at Bethenny Frankel because she poses for staged bikini shots for paparazzi she hires but doesn’t go out of her way to promote The Real Housewives show or any of the shit the other cast members are hawking. I can’t blame her. Frankel is making a killing on her Skinny Girl line of anorexic products for fat chicks. She’s racing against the clock with about six more minutes to look fuckable before her face melts to a pool at her ankles at the stroke of midnight. This drama takes place on the new season of the show which you can check out over a yogurt enema at any given safe house or black site.

It would probably be the worst mistake of my life but I definitely still would. I’d even be a gentlemen and have the respect not to raid her Blackberry in refractory for Mark Cuban’s number so I can pitch him my idea for cargo socks or a backpack with a clock on it. What have you got to lose?

Photo Credit: INF