Richard Gere Is Tantric-ing Padma Lakshmi

By Jack April 22, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

Pretty Woman Richard Gere has apparently been giving it to Top Chef hottie Padma Lakshmi. This in spite of the fact that he is currently in the middle of messily divorcing his wife Carey Lowell, a.k.a. that short haired model chick from Law & Order a decade ago. He was previously married to Cindy Crawford when he was younger and still shoving small woodland mammals up his rectum. Oh, fuck you, Snopes. Through the power of Tibetan meditation and mainlining Viagra directly into his cock the old man has managed to get it up enough to diddle Padma. She used to be married too to fatwa courting author Salman Rushdie before she decided it was best she make a baby with Michael Dell’s brother so she’d have a future. These two opportunistic horny fucks from different generations seem like they belong together. If Richard’s hips hold out during tantric sex with his new lady, and his credit rating exceeds a smart Asian kids SAT Math portion score, there could be a wedding coming soon.

Miranda Kerr Looks Tanned and Rested

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 12:34 PM

Miranda Kerr In Bikinis And A See Through Top For The May 2014 Issue Of Spanish Elle
I think somebody once called divorce a little death. But everybody seems to be pretty damn happy after divorce, as opposed to a funeral, where there are tears and suffering and loss. Though, in both cases, there is usually some opportunity for reckless sexual intercourse. I just read a story about how Miranda Kerr’s ex-husband has never looked better or felt better or something People magazine likes to say about people right before they enter rehab for depression and self-injury. Miranda Kerr also looks good and several shades darker than I remember. That must mean she’s happy. Her tits look happy too. It’s hard to see signs of a little death anywhere. At some point the nanny will have to call these two to see if one of them is coming back for their kid, but until then, enjoy your divorce. You earned it.

Photo Credit: Spanish Elle

Khloe Kardashian Is Not Currently Screwing Her Brother

By Jack April 22, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Big boned Kardashian sister Khloe made it clear that she is not having sex with her brother Rob. She made this revelation while she was guest hosting Chelsea Handler’s horribly canned laugh track funny funny show. She and Rob are currently living together because Rob also likes to eat to fill the empty space where a normal human mother’s love would be. During her unfunny monologue, she brought up the subject of her deadbeat bro and cleared up a rumor she just made up by saying,

“However, most people know me as the sister of fashion icon and sock tycoon Rob Kardashian. Rob’s been on my mind a lot lately because we’re currently living together. And no, we’re not sexually involved — my brother’s not nearly black enough for me!”

I’m going to guess the writing room at Chelsea is something akin to the girls at Curves meeting up with their gay BFFs for appletinis after pushing their hearts to the limit at 90 bpm. E! is an incestuous shop so it’s not surprising they went with incest as a super hilarious bit for the sad clown to read off the teleprompter. And then throwing on the racial bit was tres hilarious. Here’s what’s funny. Rob is probably one negative comment away from a self-pity stab at his neck with a sharp object to end the pain. Khloe spends her days like a twelve-year old on Twitter spiraling between lovelorn mania and bitter depression. The entire family has been fucked up their large asses by their mother’s blind stage ambition for fame and fortune at the cost of her mildly retarded children’s health and well-being. The lucky one was Robert Sr. who had the innate sense to die young just to escape his particular circle of Hell. How about mouthing reading that off the prompter, Khloe? The producers can pump up the laugh track to cover the sounds of air escaping the various orifices of the rotund monkeys clapping in the sound stage bleachers.

Nina Agdal Is Doing It Right

By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

It has been about two months since the 2014 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was released and Chrissy Teigen, Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal were revealed as the cover models, and the buzz has basically completely died down. That’s probably because everyone who was freaking out about it and acting like it was huge news remembered that there’s more porn than anyone can handle on the internet, so a dozen girls in their bikinis might as well be a Sears catalog. But we should still be talking about Nina Agdal a lot, because she’s a pretty wonderful young woman with a very bright future ahead of her, especially if she keeps posting photos like this one on her Instagram account. She hasn’t necessarily inspired me to get in shape, as much as she’s made me shout, “TURN AROUND!” enough times to make my upstairs neighbor call the cops.

Tori Spelling Just Isn’t Enough In Bed (VIDEO)

By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Thanks to Oprah Winfrey taking advantage of Lindsay Lohan’s pathetic desperation for money and attention, the “docu-series” is the hot new way of referring to a washed up celebrity’s reality show without making it sound like she’d eat shit off a sidewalk for $100. Lifetime gave Tori Spelling, who admitted not too long ago that she basically pissed away all of her money, a new “docu-series” to tell her story almost as it happens, because we just can’t be left out of a life that includes things like dying her hair to maintain her youthful appeal and not fooling anyone. In this clip for True Tori, which debuts tonight, Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, admits that he cheated on Tori because sex with her basically sucks. It’s a shame they didn’t just name this show Things We Assumed.

Taylor Swift Actually Has A Good Side

By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.

If You Want a Rosie Perez Autograph, Ask This Woman

By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 5:31 PM

Rosie Perez Signs Copies Of Her Book At The Grove
Once you’ve heard Rosie Perez’s voice, it will never depart the deepest folds of your gray matter. It will incept itself like a horrible dream that pings feelings of misery for decades to come. You won’t even know her speech impediment is in your mind, you’ll just feel a sharp pain in your knee or the unpleasant sensation of somebody squeezing your nut sac. That’s just from one viewing of White Man Can’t Jump on HBO. I guess it’s easier to forget her face because I don’t remember Rosie Perez looking like a neck-pinched white woman from Scarsdale. Maybe it’s part of the mysterious Puerto Rican aging process. You can read all about it in her new book, Handbook for an Unpredictable Life. Or listen to her book on tape and melt your fucking synapses.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Maybe Had a Baby

By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 5:02 PM

The three people watching Lindsay Lohan’s Fat Orpah Network reality show collectively gasped in their minimum security prison cafeteria as Lindsay finished up the first and last season of her reality show by telling the camera she had a miscarriage during filming. I’m not sure if she meant right then and there or earlier during filming, though probably the latter as there was enough time for Fat Oprah to tease the shit out of Lindsay’s ‘big secret announcement’. If you’re Fat Oprah, you can do shit like build schools in Africa where kids get abused and exploit Lindsay Lohan’s miscarriage for ratings and nobody can fucking touch you. Personally, I thought that Lindsay was going to announce she was gay or drunk or snorting cocaine off the ball sacs of wealthy Indian scions again, but, nope, miscarriage. Kind of a bummer ending to an otherwise upbeat couple months in the life of a drug troubled former child star with life threatening psychological issues and a family pathology of abuse and addiction. They’re usually much more funny.