Girls have been marrying dudes who remind them of their dad forever now. Especially their dead dads since dead dads are awesome and without flaw and would’ve shown up to all your recitals and events had they not been dead. Marrying a dude who looks just like your dad is something different. People are gonna talk. Frances Bean Cobain was only a toddler when her dad put a gun in his mouth to make Courtney Love’s voice finally stop squealing in his head. Not old enough to have sexualized any fantasies about a guy who looks like her dad. Still, she is fucking and marrying a dude who’s in a band and looks a lot like her father did about the same age. Somebody needs to say something untoward.
Courtney Love played off the news that her daughter didn’t invite her to her wedding by pretending it was a fairly normal thing. Which it is, when your mom has ruined every single event in your life by getting super high and trying to fuck somebody inappropriate. In this case, that would have been your new husband. You can’t blame mom entirely this time. Even without any coke and vodka, he does look a lot like her former husband. Let’s circle back when there’s a death and pretend we didn’t see it coming.
You aren’t going to believe this, but it’s supposedly true. Kanye and Kim’s little demon spawn is due December 25th. So, a guy who thinks he’s God is having his son the same day that Jesus was born? Fuck, there is no controlling Kanye’s ego now. Only this time he will most definitely not be born of a virgin.
Let he who hath understanding recon the number of The Beast. (TMZ)
The Victoria’s Secret army of hyperventilating men in short sleeve dress shirts have captured two chicks from every nation to put aboard their hot vagina ark for when the rains come. Not rain, I meant raids, on their Southeast Asia stronghold where there is one-hundred percent employment among girls 8-12. Top that with your phony employment stats, Obama. I think these are professional models. They might also be vet tech majors at City College Fort Lauderdale who got caught in the tuna net. It doesn’t matter anymore. A modestly priced bikini isn’t going to make you young and fuckable again. Unless you’re already young and fuckable, in which case you probably have enough disposable cash to step up to a boutique bikini. My Discover card actually was accepted? Bikinis for all my friends! Ignore the ‘help’ signs subtlety woven into the crotch pads. Those crafty little scamps.
The line starts behind me for Gisele Bundchen’s 20th anniversary photo memoirs. The Brazilian model retired from runway modeling earlier this year though continues to pose for pay for magazines, advertisements, and that earnest sounding guy on Craigslist who can only meet you at the industrial park late in the evening.
Simply titled, Gisele, the spank book will set you back seven hundred dollars, which is approximately seven hundred dollars more than anybody but Tom Brady and Gisele’s randy uncle Paulo are willing to pay to see her old sexy photos. Bundchen laced the pricey coffee table footrest with a bunch of her topless photos because Brazilian girls inherently understand how to bargain. Tom’s fancy pool covers don’t pay for themselves. What’s a months rent to relive the happy memories of Gisele getting paid to model? Which part were you again?
Azealia Banks is in the business of telling everybody to fuck off. She’s like Trump in her spunk and arrogance to tell even the powerful and protected classes to go to hell. Right or wrong, there’s something ballsy and original about that in today’s culture where racing to be the biggest pussy in the room has tremendous social merit.
Last weeks Banks was busted by a soon-to-be TMZ video paid contributor who caught her calling a flight attendant a ‘fucking faggot’ after an altercation on her Delta flight. She took some heated barbs from the LGBT community for the faggot thing. Rather than kowtow as all her celebrity brethren have done in the past for similar transgression. Banks shot back with some surprisingly sapient advice:
Um, yeah. The male stewardess had the sole right to punch you in the cunt. If an entire movement gets thrown into a cheesecake bite moment by the mere use of a derogatory statement, you’re no vikings. Greenland is just a dream. Is Azealia Banks the only sane person left in the dominant media culture and if so, where might one procure Hemlock. I want to go out peacefully like those Greek homos. Back me, Banks. No justice no peace.
This chick seems perfect. Too perfect. A brunette Australian? I don’t want to tell TSA how not to do their jobs better, but I’d frisk this woman and I’d start right in her ass. Don’t break the ice with a feel under her shirt. Go straight for the tush and do not apologize. Gloveless. Then suck on your finger like it’s the best lollipop ever. It sets a tone. Welcome to the United States of America. If you’re flying Southwest this happens seven more times on the way to Kansas City.
On the heels of their All-Natural Burger introduction that by process of elimination left people asking what was in all their other burgers, Carl’s Jr. quickly rolled out a highly publicized new themed burger. The Tex Mex Bacon Thick Burger. It’s unclear what any of this means except that at this point the Carl Karcher great grandkids are summer interning in the marketing department. Designing a burger around Google trending border war topics seems like a poor culinary rationale. I get it, the blonds are Americans and the brunettes are Mexicans. Why must of think of half-dead Central American children being run by coyotes across the Sonoran while I’m trying to eat my ten thousand calorie burger?
As with all fast food burger buying decisions, just tell me if it tastes good when I’m wasted at two in the morning and does it cost less than five bucks. I don’t care how fucking high you are, you’re never so faded that six bucks for a drive-thru burger makes sense. The connection between erection and hunger remains entirely unproven, though science has shown your odds of getting laid by a model decline in direct proportion to how many meals a week you eat at Carl’s Jr. Good luck with the math. And the gas.
Sexy cougar Kate Hudson has been seen around town with Nick Jonas even though she’s like 50 and he’s barely old enough to be making out with college boys. I guess there is still some gas in the old girl yet.