Irina Shayk Upskirt Is Kind of Commie

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

Irina Shayk Upskirt Filming EXTRA In Universal City
The perfect summer wind blew up Irina Shayk’s skirt on the set of Extra. A.C. Slater got flummoxed and mentioned ten times how much he loves his wife and lady tits in rapid fire succession to remind everybody how straight he is. Irina Shayk just laughed breezily and said something in Russian that translates to ‘I’m in your movies now, you American fools. Soon, Master Putin and I will crush your testicular sacs.’ Nobody cared about the red menace because they were busy imagining just how great it would be to have sex with Irina Shayk.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash

Brandi Glanville Craves Attention Too

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 11:39 AM

Brandi Glanville In A See Through Skirt Leaving Craig's In West Hollywood
Now that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have their own reality show dedicated to pretending they have better things to talk about than Eddie’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville, Brandi felt the telltale publicity sting in her vagina quarters pushing her to get back out in public and show off her tits and ass. It’s often good to take a pause at these moments and remember that most 40-something moms aren’t wasted in the streets flashing their panties on summer evenings. Just the interesting ones. I’m not sure who the Jon Gosselin lookalike is with Brandi, but I bet she’s drunk enough that he could impregnate her without her remembering. That is where Glanville babies come from.

Photo Credit: Splash

Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Wet Lesbianism Day Two

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM

Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Go For A Swim In St Tropez
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.

As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet

Lana Del Rey Slutty But Boring

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Lana Del Rey In A Sexy Photo Shoot For The October 2012 Issue Of GQ
Lana Del Rey may just be the world’s most boring interview. Having spent most of her teen school years intoxicated with sad poetry and booze, she seems to have been shortchanged in the conversational skills department. She knew she needed a good hook for her Complex interview, so she dropped the fact that she’s fucked a good number of music industry people through the years. That’s at least a something.

You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.

It’s not super intriguing, but the proud slut archetype is certainly more appealing than her usual Dead Poets Society angst at almost 30.

Lana Del Rey often gets criticized by feminist groups because she doesn’t punish men enough for wanting to get laid. Also, because feminist groups have to constantly criticize to avoid the overwhelming sensation of hunger from starving their body of meats and cheeses. But Lana ignores their shit. She’d rather tattoo pointless slogans like ‘trust no one’ and the names of famous poets and literary characters on her body so the record producers have something to look at while banging her. It’s a simple life she seems to enjoy. Except for that part where she says she wishes she were dead like Kurt Cobain. But when girls from Connecticut boarding schools glorify suicide, they usually do it without heroin coursing through their veins and a loaded shotgun in the room.

Photo Credit: GQ

Donald Sterling Sues Everybody

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

DSterling

Donald Sterling has filed a civil suit against his strangle estranged wife Shelly, NBA commissioner Adam Silver, and the entire NBA. Basically he’s putting everyone he is pissed at into one giant group and suing the shit out of them. He narrowly left out the guy who fucked up his sandwich order yesterday. Does Donald look like he can chew through a roll?

The monster lawsuit is seeking compensation for breach of contract, breach of fiduciary duty, fraud, emotional distress, and a major drop off in whores willing to give head for Clips tickets. Given its breadth the lawsuit should consume more money than Sterling ever spent on his team in his first twenty-five years of ownership. He’ll probably die before the case is over or become so debilitated with Alzheimer’s he settles for a bag of marbles and a Blake Griffin rookie card. But if Donald Sterling can fuck up just one NBA season with his legal entanglements, he’ll go to his happy place just a little bit happier.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:53 AM

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini For A Poolside Photo Shoot In Miami
This mommy fitness instructor takes lots of showers. I don’t care if she’s at the beach, by the pool, or wandering in the Gobi, she finds a way to go classic Cinemax on the public showers. If they had glass walls, she’d press her tits up against them while Jan-Michael Vincent was pretend shagging her from behind. I’m not sure if this is a real beach or one of those fake beaches they set up for cruise ships to pretend they have exclusive access to exotic sandy shores that are otherwise the place where Domingo takes the goats to shit during the rainy season. Either way, you probably don’t want children seeing the bare pubis matinee without a parent to put it in uncomfortable context.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Selena Gomez Is a Lesbian Now

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

Selena-Gomez-and-Cara-Delevingne

Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what he could never give you. Michelle Rodriguez or one of her scissor kissing coven like Cara Delevingne are always up for a game of I ruined your girlfriend. All you need is a yacht, some champagne, and a broken heart. Crank up the Tegan & Sara and set a course for adventure!

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Coolio Has A New Record Label

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 7:01 AM

Coolio

Coolio will be releasing his music on Pornhub.com from now on because it’s the website most often visited on mute. Pornhub agreed to provide Coolio with some porn stars to dance around in his new video because he didn’t have the requisite $200 dollars for sixty minutes of on-camera dancing and a hand job if it’s not The Sabbath. This is a real blow to Cooli’s rep because porn chicks will appear in your videos for free if you have any name recognition whatsoever,  even if just for killing children on a school bus.

Coolio has not released an album in five years. To put that in porn terms, most of the girls dancing in his video were just fourteen year old incest victim runaways at the time of his last album. Still, most of them are from Eastern European nations where Gangster’s Paradise just hit their smuggled transistor radios. I guess this is the wave of the future. Digital porn-horrible rap synergies. I’m not sure I need to hear Coolio lamenting the lack of economic activity in the hood while I’m jerking off for the third time and wondering why I didn’t attend law school.

Photo Credit: Instagram