I guess Janet Jackson being a billionaire is a big story. Even though it’s not exactly true. Still she’s got herself a nice chunk of change and I think should finally seal the deal on the fact that beating your kids will absolutely make them more successful as adults. Doesn’t mean you have to bring out the switch and make them dance, but, if you do, they will be able to afford to take care of you nicely in your golden years. If you’re worried it’s too late, fear not. Just beat them harder to make up for the lost years. Once they’re bigger than you, it’ll be too late.
I fucking love meat. Nose to tail. When I’m sitting at IHOP eating my side of sausage, all I can think about his how fucking awesome pork tastes while wishing I could slaughter whole hogs with my bare hands. One over the snout, one wrenched around their thick neck, and roll hard to the right. I’m not your best candidate for PETA. But in the presence of any naked or nearly naked woman begging me to stop using animals for my only earthly needs, I’d buckle fast. This is why PETA is smart. Just not smart enough to defeat primal instinct. So now I get to look at this busty chick mostly naked while eating a side of sausage. The good guys win again.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, INF, PCN, WENN
It’s a scientific fact that girlfriends who are crazy sex fiends are also just plain crazy. Not all of them will murder you bloody in the shower like Jodi Arias did her boyfriend who thought he lucked into a hot piece of crazy tail. Some will just bang all your coworkers then laugh hysterically. Others might empty your bank account and blow it all on designer cats they toss from their speeding car. And then laugh hysterically. In all cases, you will wind up wishing you’d been butchered in the shower.
Before Jodi Arias gets marched out into the desert and shot or however they off death row prisoners in Arizona, she wants the jury to know that if she’s allowed to live, she’ll start a recycling program in prison. Had she tried this random save in an L.A. courtroom, not only would her life be spared, she’d be released from prison entirely, heralded in song on the shoulders of an environmentally grateful jury of her peers. We fucking love recycling in L.A. It’s the leading religion. Too bad for Jodi she blew her gasket in Arizona. She’s off to meet her maker.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
I’m not sure how many movies Jennifer Aniston is in where she plays a woman who almost flashes her tits. Rough guess. Every single one. She likes to tease the press by talking about how she will be topless in her next movie. And then the press talks about how brave she is. First, jumping on a grenade is brave. Flashing your tits is relatively easy. Second, Jennifer is a liar. Brad Pitt came out this week and said his marriage to Jennifer Aniston was boring. He blames himself and too much weed, but I’m guessing having a girl who makes empty sexual promises over and over again can lead to boredom. Or taking off to rail Angelina Jolie whose sexual promises were always kept.
Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper in We’re the Millers. Here’s the Red Band trailer.
Rihanna was busy filming her new music video for the single, “Pour It Up”, this week, but the star still managed to find a moment to post an image that read, “Praying for Oklahoma” to her Instagram account. And her 7.4 million followers must have been confused, because it didn’t have anything to do with her ass like the above picture that she also posted to her account from the set of her video.
And while she soon after deleted the image from her account, it raised the more important question of why she doesn’t show her ass more for charity. Imagine if she posted pictures like this with a message for her male fans to donate $1 or $10 to the Red Cross or other global charities in need. We’d probably have enough money to cure AIDS by November. At the very least, we’d have a few thousand more photos of her ass.
I once lost my swimsuit at the shoreline to an unexpected wave. I don’t remember a frenzy of photographers trying to take my picture. Just a mother reassuring her crying young daughter that the man she would someday marry would be much larger. The entire experience was quite humiliating.
I have a feeling Brazilian model Fernanda Marin is faking her exasperation at the loss of her bikini top during a Malibu photo shoot. No woman is shy about losing her top when she has great tits underneath. I mean, maybe a nun with great tits would be a bit red in the face. But not a Brazilian model. Fernanda was born to grab her own boobs in mocked surprise. It is her destiny.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irina Shayk won Cannes last night. It’s over, all of the other celebrities can get back on their expensive boats and jets and go back to their other meaningless parties, because Irina and her black dress are the best things we’re going to see this week, short of someone suddenly inventing X-ray vision.
It’s pretty amazing to think that there are always rumors about Shayk’s boyfriend, soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, cheating on her. If any of them are true, the other women would have to be better than perfect for him to justify it. In fact, the only way that Ronaldo could even sort of explain it would be if he revealed that he had been cloning Irina and was having wild orgies with all of her doppelgangers. And even then, I’d need to be able to watch for several weeks to believe it.
(Photo Credits: Getty)