By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 4:52 PM
Everybody goes crazy when a white girl shows up on the beach with a nice ass. It’s similar to how they celebrate the one dude from Mexico who competes in the Winter Olympics or how everyone gasps when an Asian kid can’t unscramble trigonometry. It’s wildly racist and unexpected. I know plenty of fair-haired girls with great bottoms. For shorthand, I refer to them as girls who tell me to stop fucking staring at their ass. Which is fine, because there’s nothing wrong with a girl whose ass resembles an older man in Dockers. You want gravity to take hold of your hand as it drops from the small of her back to her ankles without anything getting in the way. Flat as a board? They ought to call it hot as a board. There’s nothing finer than a woman’s college basketball low post specialist.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack March 06, 2014 @ 4:09 PM
According to Page Six, Andrew Garfield broke the heart of a little kid with cancer. Garfield was set to present at the Oscars with 5 year old Miles Teller, a little boy battling cancer who loves superheroes, when he pitched a fit. It all began when San Francisco rallied around sick Miles, dressed him up as Batkid, and he got to meet a costumed Batman. Pretty fucking sweet. So, Garfield agreed to go on the Oscars and dub the kid an official superhero. Miles and his family came down to LA and then everything went to shit. According to the report, Garfield refused to learn his lines and was apparently going off the cuff with inappropriate dialogue. There’s nothing worse than an actor off the hook. When the producers asked him to stop, he stormed away like he was pretending to be an angry man in an acting class scene and left little cancer Miles in tears. How the fuck could Spiderman do such a thing? I do not know. I’m sure he has some defense to his actions, none of which will stand up in the media to a five year old kid with cancer being disappointed.
Update: According to a million and one reports out there now, curiously, the fault lies with Oscar producers and Andrew in fact is a saintly saint who hung out with Miles at his hotel and then took him to Disneyland and then maybe to the Anaheim Cheetah’s champagne room for some VIP lap dances. Damn, that is nice.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 2:12 PM
The E! Channel has arranged for Khloe Kardashian to guest host their canned laugh track gay squeezer Chelsea Lately while Chelsea Handler is on her BBC adventure staycation. Khloe makes perfect sense as she’s both been fired from her remedial X-Factor teleprompter reading gig and helped co-host her mother’s talk show which crashed and burned miserably in its first run. Still, networks love synergy between their shows, which is shorthand for Khloe costs nothing since she’s already paid to be the troubled fat one on KUWTK. To celebrate the great news that she’d not really earned another job on television, Khloe posted her first ever Vine video. The quick clip shows her body being rubbed down with self-tanner so her tits will glow on television. There’s really no light brighter than the twinkle in the eye of a mildly-retarded girl when she’s told to take off her top for the cameras. I just hope OJ gets to see this before he passes.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Vine
By Jack March 06, 2014 @ 1:31 PM
The video absolutely no one was waiting to see, Justin Bieber pissing in a cup in jail, has been released onto an unsuspecting world. The video was taken during Bieb’s arrest for being a drunken douchenozzle in Miami a few months ago. People, who I guess want to desperately see his dong, clamored for the video of him taking a piss test to be released. The judge ordered the video edited and a black bar to be placed to hide the little troll’s mangina. It wouldn’t do for the world to see that he’s hung like a toddler. I don’t think he meant for the black bar to be quite so big. You would use a black bar this size to cover up a giant John Holmes sized Wookie dick not the little nubbin between Bieber’s legs. I’d assume Biebs asked his lawyers to specify that they make the bar bigger to give the impression that the ladies be clamoring for Justin for more than just his fat wallet and primo weed. A good test would be to take away his money and find out.
By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Kirsten Dunst simply enjoyed a fine meal at Crossroads in West Hollywood yesterday evening, but it’s remarkable how almost every photo of her getting behind the wheel of a car makes her look like she’s completely wasted and ready to run down a crowd of small children. It’s also amazing how at just 31 years old she looks like she’s settled into the ageless 40s part of her career, in which she always plays the recently divorced mom who tries to meet guys, but she can’t get any of them to stick around because she constantly looks like she’s about to vomit. Wait, sorry, I’m getting her career confused with her actual life again. Funny how life so often imitates art.
Photo Credits: RHS/WENN.com
By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because she writes it on Instagram for her millions of idiot fans, Jennifer Lopez really wants you to believe that she’s still just “Jenny from the block” and not a spoiled, arrogant diva clinging to the last few minutes of fame in her already tired career. After all, she’s still the same girl dating the same guy who is half her age, while wearing shoes that a European prostitute would put on if she needed to reach a really high cabinet. If you doubt that the love between Jennifer and Casper Smart is true and strong, then they sure showed all of us yesterday, as they held hands while leaving the Power 106 studios in Los Angeles. Minutes later, she’d tell him to fuck off and stay behind her with the rest of the lesser life forms, but for a few whole seconds, theirs was the most beautiful love in the world.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
All the virgin sacrifices and Illuminati pagan blood rituals in the world can’t change the fact that Jay Z isn’t the young man that he used to be, which is probably why he looked a little tired and grumpy last night after hanging out at the Arts Club in London. Beyonce, on the other hand, looked ready to party even as they left, which is amazing considering she had also performed earlier that night. It just goes to show that when you’re two of the wealthiest people in show business, a good night’s sleep and a full diet of stem cells and placenta milkshakes will keep you looking young and rejuvenated while the rest of us poor assholes die in the streets as they step over our diseased corpses.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By colin March 06, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Katy Perry knows this cheeky sexualized pop star act is just a bit. You do the Kissed a Girl thing and get half naked in your music videos because it sells records. Then you go home and slap on your fat girl sweatpants eat a pound of olive loaf while watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. Miley Cyrus hasn’t unplugged from The Matrix just yet. She believes she’s the tip of the spear of a female sexual revolution like every teen girl does when she moves out of her parents house and starts to get laid. Katy Perry says when she moved in for the staged peck with Miley in concert, the rabid platypus started shoving her tongue down Katy’s throat like she was her biker lady on a conjugal. Katy pulled away in bacteriological horror:
“God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know, that tongue is so infamous.”
Excellent point, Katy. Though we’re pretty sure it hasn’t been enveloping the dick of one of the most prodigious pussy slayers in Hollywood like yours has. So quit being such a priss and accept Miley’s tongue down your throat and her finger up your twat if she’s choosing to bless you today with feeling like a real woman. You’re her bitch now. That’s Tennessee law. The next time, she won’t be asking for your opinion.