Amber Rose Figured It Out

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 12:19 PM

Amber Rose Topless Covered On The Beach
It’s easy to mock chicks who wage personal battles by means of naked photos and tons of Photoshop. What weapons are they supposed to select from the jousting shed? Rhetorically sharp Lincoln-Douglas stump style debates? No, you dance with the tits that brung you. Or the ass with the cheesy pocks cloned out for increased Internet masturbator splooge distance. It’s always the magic hour when you’ve got editing software. This is everything anybody likes about Amber Rose encapsulated into a single photo. Your halberd and Braveheart speech looks pretty weak now.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Charlize Theron Tries to Forget The Gunman

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:36 AM

Charlize Theron Wears A Swimsuit James White For Capitol Grand
I don’t want to show pictures of Sean Penn because his resting bitchy face gives me asthma. Here’s Charlize Theron. She’s the last great trick of this overbearing Svengali. Sean Penn’s movie The Gunman just tanked out of the gates because he polished the Taken clone script with too many topless old man roid body scenes and personal political statements. There’s no single worse combo than vanity and self-righteousness. Maybe a super hot girl with The AIDS. The odds are still in your favor. Plus she won’t talk nonstop about the Cuban healthcare system. She knows it’s a myth. She’s got The AIDS and she’s already inquired. Pick her for the long car ride.

Photo Credit: James White For Capitol Grand

Things Not To Say When Your Neighbor Kills 150 People

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:25 AM

Germanwings-Plane-Crash-in-Alps

There are only two reasons why a news crew will ever come ask questions about your neighbor. He’s the new President or he’s just killed a whole bunch of innocent people. Look at your neighbor. He’s not going to be President. I’m still amazed at the dipshits who provide the ‘he seemed pleasant, a quiet guy’ response to the reporter chick with the microphone. I don’t care if his snickerdoodles were the hit of the block party and he once rescued Mr. Freckles from a tree.

It looks now almost certain that this Germanwings/Lufthansa co-pilot, Andreas Lubbitz, intentionally locked the bladder weak pilot out of the cockpit and smashed a plane full of 150 mostly German tourists returning from Barcelona into the French alps. Nobody knows why he did it. Eventually the depression and pills and failed relationship and ties to some weird cult group that meets at the local Wienerwald will come out. For now, he was just a suicidal head case who decided to take a shitload of innocent people along to his final destination. Don’t be the inevitable clueless neighbor with this quote:

He always seemed very polite and always said hello and I said hello back.

If you were Hitler’s neighbor in 1911, it was cool to say he had a sweet mustache and was a decent painter. Not so much after you were made aware of his Final Solution. You barely knew this Lufthansa pilot. What you do know is that he just crashed a full airliner into a mountain on purpose. Oh, he also said hello and you said hello back? Dick. Put this in your back pocket for next time: “I sensed something was wrong with this guy. It’s the eyes. I was on my way to alert the authorities when I heard of the tragedy. If only I could have saved those lives. I’ll live with this forever.’

Photo credit: Getty Images

Brandi Glanville Nipple

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 10:01 AM

Brandi Glanvilles Nipple Was Hanging Out On The Latest Epsiode of Real Housewives
Brandi Glanville is a case study in why the steady farmer puts down even his best horse when she’s past her prime. It’s hard to watch the decline. And you can only feed so many mouths. Also, that horse might decide to start appearing on Bravo!, a network that now exists solely to examine what happens when you give middle aged alcoholics tons of booze then flash lights in their eyes. You stumble around West Hollywood with a tampon hanging out of your mom hole. Or some other chick is suing you for swearing on the bible that her pussy smells like sardines. Or your nipple falls out of your top and you’re too fucked up to notice. It doesn’t matter. When somebody’s plummeting toward the deck after jumping off a hi-rise, nobody ever asks ‘what floor are they on?’.

Photo Credit: “Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills” Bravo

Isabeli Fontana Brazilian And Braless

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 8:29 AM

Isabeli Fontana Brazilian And Braless Harpers Bazaar Spain
At some point somebody convinced good looking girls in Brazil to stop eating and the South American supermodel was born. Hundreds of women who might otherwise be chubby chicks selling meat skewers on street corners in Sao Paolo started taking all the European people model jobs. There’s a silent prejudice against pale anorexics. Every guy knows those women eschew calories because they hate their parents and can’t wait to make your life a living hell. Skinny exotic looking women just grew up without food and will tattoo your full Christian name on their clit if you buy them a Shamrock shake off the dollar menu. I could be wrong, but there’s a chance I’m not.

Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar Spain

Jeremy Renner Blackmailed

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Sonni-Pacheco-When-Pregnant

Jeremy Renner’s estranged Canadian model wife and baby mama, Sonni Pacheco, reportedly threatened to release his sex videos if he didn’t help her get a green card. In legal documents, Renner repeatedly refers to his wife as a gold digger, which makes sense because she is requesting $12,000 a month in child support to be paid in the form of Nordstrom gift cards. Renner has heard more gay rumors than your average civil war reenactment horse whisperer so it should come as no surprise the couple lived with a roommate. It only makes sense it’s a dude and his dong appears in the sex tape because you don’t blackmail a famous celebrity with threat of exposing him having regular old sex with his wife. Nor do you have a male roommate if your career is going swimmingly and you’re into vagina. Beards often turn out to be terrible people. The non-broken segment of the population just wouldn’t be into it. That’s why hit men typically have domestic troubles. At least they brought a child into it.

Photo Credit:FameFlynet

H&M Guitarist Speaks Out

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Trol

Numerous poser morons were left ass-pinched after the discovery that H&M retailer completely invented the names of bands it was printing on its cool band t-shirts. H&M sadly created websites and even music for the bands. Henri “Trollhorn” Sovali, guitarist for the band Moonsorrow, helped jimmy up some songs for the bogus album. I’m all for a guy getting a payday, but lying about why you did it while invoking bullshit hipster art house terminology shows a strong lack of balls.

“[I created the songs] to point out the fact that you cannot commercialize a subculture without actually knowing all the different aspects of it… To create discussion on the fact that metal culture is more than just ‘cool’ looking logos on fashionable clothes, and has many more aesthetic and ideological aspects in different subgenres than what some corporations are trying to express.”

So you record the music for H&M to protest H&M and decided it was an art project after people caught on? Are you giving the money back? I guess helping H&M sell shirts which bastardize metal would lead to a discussion about how H&M is bastardizing metal. Similarly you could mug a hooker to point out the dangers of prostitution and street crime. But you’d still be found guilty. Fucking, Trollhorn.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Trollhorn claims that he and several of his metal loving friends came up with the idea to make the websites and music for the fake bands and had no involvement with H&M. He says they did this because they find it annoying that H&M uses metal culture to sell stupid shit to teenagers, so they trolled H&M by creating Nazi inspired album art as well as weird song titles like “Vaginal’s Juice Dripping Into Cadaverous” for said bands. According to Trollhorn they were trying to make a point that H&M sucks. Also, that suburban kids will buy anything. That part is true.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Dick Dabbing Obama

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

BRF

Self identified artist Brent Ray Fraser only paints with his dick because the art world always needs something to talk about at their cocktail parties since they don’t have interesting day jobs. Plus, they really love cock. Fraser summed it up eloquently:

“It’s like the Warhol Factory, but with my dick. Working on the art gets me aroused.”

I would actually find this impressive if I didn’t know it was total bullshit. All of Fraser’s other cock paintings simply entail him dunking his dong in paint and pressing it onto a canvass. You can’t paint with your dick. At the very best he got a black and white Obama poster and filled in the lines with scabby turpentine ravaged shlong. Like ninety-nine percent of modern art projects, anyone can do that if they have the time. And a dick.

Photo Credit: BrentRayFraser.com