Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Seem Happy

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 10:36 AM

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Out On A Date In NYC
If you’re thinking Taylor Swift looks like the submissive girlfriend then you’re falling into the same demon hole this poor Scottish fuck is currently descending. His name is Adam, he calls himself Calvin and he’s at the forefront of electroclash music whatever the hell that musical abortion is.

Through all his DJ equipment and Casio keyboard plugins Calvin can’t see the bear trap that is the Taylor Swift vagina. I think I’ll just slide myself into… SNAP! Fuck! Four days later the morphine drip wears off and you wake up in a hospital checking out the haggis that used to be your cock as a hit song plays on the radio calling you an asshole. Household cleaners come with multiple bold letter warnings. Girlfriends come with jack shit. This is called natural selection. Second base is the furthest from home. There is no analogy in cricket. You’re already dead.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Allie Mason Pops Out

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 10:12 AM

Allie Mason Pops Out Of Her Top
If you’re working a gig where a bald dude barks at you to keep bouncing until your tits fall out of your top, it’s time to consider those new mandated fifteen dollar an hour jobs at McDonald’s. You can’t explain this photo work to your friends and family. Even stepdad who touched you because mom was exhausted from chores and cancer is going to express a measure of disappointment. This speaks to the mediocrity of pursuing the middle. Bikini model or tit model. Tweeners don’t go to heaven.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Johnny Depp Back On The Chain Gang

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 9:45 AM

JD

Johnny Depp is reportedly facing up to 10 years in prison and $263,000 in fines for bringing his two lap dogs into Australia on his private jet along with a bunch of caviar and a shipment of ascots. That’s if he’s prosecuted. By that rationale I’m facing a thousand years in solitary for jaywalking the last thirty years while publicly intoxicated. The pilot of the plane could also be on the hook for two years, which seems a bit more plausible since he doesn’t wear his cute rock and roller costume around everywhere. I’m frankly sick of these double standards. I don’t care about the dogs because I’m pretty sure they don’t have rabies or even calloused feet and are probably vegan and properly suited to be eaten by Tasmanian devils as nature has designed.

I’d like to know why I have to take my belt and shoes off at the airport and Depp can step on a jet rocking 17 necklaces 6 braceletts 4 rings and a chain from his wallet to his taint. That’s enough Fury Road gear to kick some ass if you’re not a midget on methadone. Of course I don’t fly private but I don’t see why they’re not subjected to the same rules. You’re picking my last Xanax out of my aspirin bottle and this fucker is housing yapping bio terrorists. How do you work out in that get up? Bend over and cough, Jack Sparrow.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kylie Jenner More Tits, More Theories

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 9:23 AM

Kylie Jenner More Bikini Photoshoots

Kylie Jenner took time out of her hectic school day to tan her tits and dip her toes into the conspiracy theories that primarily dwell in the minds of the mumbling homeless and Hollywood celebrities. Jenner chose chemtrails for her dissertation. Chemtrail savants such as Roseanne Barr and Prince believe the U.S. government, the Trilateral Commission and Voldemort are conspiring to kill the honey bees and make James Franco’s even more fake gay by spreading poison behind Southwest jets on their fourth of seven stops between anywhere and Nashville.

Kylie-Jenner-chemtrails-on-twitter

Stupid chicks with big racks are the world’s most precious commodity and a necessity if you want to throw a successful backyard BBQ. If you can put aside the image of a D-list rapper bukkake party on her face, Kylie Jenner could easily be your best girlfriend ever. I agree that jet engine condensation trails are really an experimental Hydra poison and you agree to swear to the hotel manager you’re eighteen. Spit in your palm and rub my dick and we have a binding Kardashian contract.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Blake Griffin Knows The Drill

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 8:12 AM

BG

After an epic playoff choke job, Blake Griffin, DeAndre Jordan and that fucking white guy went to Cabo and as evidence would suggest banged a bunch of chicks who would not be legal stateside. The Mexican government affords travelers many advantages such as free labor, all you can drink diarrhea, and an age of consent which would be properly qualified as Kentucky backwoods low. To be fair this could just be an innocent picture but when the demons in your head keep yelling at you for dribbling off your foot and shooting free throws like a YMCA gym senior you sometimes need a distraction. Sign this contract. I think we can work out an extension. Put your ID away, this is the pros.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kyle Busch’s Wife No Longer Pregnant

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 7:41 AM

KBWIFE

Kyle Busch’s wife Samantha turned some heads by posting a bunch of bikini pics six days after giving birth to their son Brexton who is destined to illegally manipulate the currency market. Samantha has a lifestyle blog which more than likely offers several life hacks for vaginal dryness and mainly focusses on how to stay fit while pregnant. Apparently that’s a major concern if you don’t have a job and spend your husband’s money on daily photo shoots of yourself. I’m no doctor but high intensity training with a baby inside you might not be a good idea. Take these nine months off. There’s no way he’ll leave you until after the first year. The backlash would be too much to handle. Look what happened to Tiger. I know it’s a mental game but I’m pretty sure that guy forgot how to walk. I’d like to congratulate Kyle and Samantha on their first child and her second eating disorder. Is that milk on your head? Get that little shit a car seat.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rumer And Demi Self Exploitation

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

Moore

Rumer Willis and Demi Moore dressed up as twins and pretended they weren’t praying on your most base of sexual fantasies. I don’t know where the mother/daughter thing ranks in terms of the bed post notch pantheon but I’d put it somewhere below actual twins and most certainly cooler than banging a local while vacationing in Barbados if not for the health implications. Something’s not normal when you can’t tell a mother and her kid apart minus the prison ink. One of you is either dropping the ball or mildly out of focus. People used to have real hobbies. You never see birdhouses anymore. Rumer’s caption was both a compliment to her mother and some shameless self flattery:

“That moment when you realize you actually are becoming your mother #twinning #imnotmad.”

Calm down Sheriff Woody. There’s more to looking like someone than strapping on the same onesie. You’re also giving up thirty years. Lifetime I’m down in Vegas but not liking those odds. What else is in that prop closet? It better have two heads. I’m not amused.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lamar And Khloe Seem Ready to Forgive

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 6:36 AM

LAMA

Lamar Odom appears to be over his smoking crack off the pocked marked asses of Thai hookers in motels phase. His rogue status may have cost him his NBA career, his house, and three nice sports cars, but he may be getting back his wife and bodyguard, Khloe Kardashian. The pair were headed for a divorce but the proceedings stalled due to a “lack of action” which is a legal term for Odom not being able to retain a lawyer willing to be paid in autographed Clippers jerseys. One of TMZ’s future cult casualty photographers caught up with Odom while entering a club which most certainly requires pat downs and Odom said Khloe is “still my girl.” There’s nothing more melancholy than a man headed into an establishment to find some anonymous pussy lamenting the large girl he let slip way. Khloe herself has made hints of getting back with Lamar again someday should he ever clean up his drug act and quit screaming out ‘whole hog!’ during sex. The reconciliation now must be left up to Fate, with final approval from E! TV producers who ultimately decide who everyone fucks or kills on the show.

Photo Credit: Instagram