19 Year Old Twin Models On The Loose

By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 7:19 AM

Soles

Kelsey and Baylee Soles are 19 year old fraternal twin sister models from South Carolina, or what Tony Robbins refers to as motivation to become a billionaire so they’ll both get naked in your jet. He’s starting to get weird. The sisters have been signed to a Calvin Klein campaign even though at 19 they’re considered repugnant old hags in the progressive world of modeling. The pair became models after their dad signed them up for etiquette classes, where they teach you how to blame rape on yourself in farsi. It sounds like pops is more than likely a huge fucking creep who was scouting his daughter’s asses like they were blue chip recruits. With any luck they’ll be working three hours a week in an attempt to sell overpriced bullshit while chain smoking well into their mid thirties. At that point they’ll either answer the phones at an agency or marry an oilman with a twin fetish who’s made his intentions abundantly clear. They’re no Milton Twins but they’ll do.

Gwyneth P Goes Gangsta And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

480074834-actress-gwyneth-paltrow-poses-for-a-gettyimages

Professional White person Gwyneth Paltrow is selling handbags on her shitty Goop website that have the names of famous dead rappers like Biggie and Tupac on them. Gwyneth is why minorities hate White people.

What’s next? Fubu? (The Superficial)

Summer St. Claire does a striptease. (Egotastic All-Stars)

The Incredible Hulk loves Donald Trump. (TMZ)

Giselle Bundchen wore a burqa to get her tits done. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney talks bras with Cosmo. (COED)

Kelly Stafford jumping with shorty shorts on. (Busted Coverage)

Nikki Howard from those Old Spice commercials is hot as shit. (The Chive)

Feminists Don’t Plan Shit Out Super Well

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 11:14 AM

Sylva-the-JC-Penney-Feminist

Sylva Stoel took a job at J.C. Penney’s because she didn’t qualify for any better jobs then promptly quit because her boss told her to go home and come back wearing something not short shorts to work. Stoel dashed over to Twitter proudly displaying her middle finger and touting her victimized feminist bona fides. She claims the shorts came from the J.C. Penney’s Career Section, which I guess was her way of saying how women’s work attire is sexist from the get-go. Or it’s just meant to shock people that J.C. Penney’s has a Career Section.

I told [my manager] that I thought it was unfair to send me home due to the fact that I had purchased the shorts from JC Penney’s own career section, but he insisted that I go home and change anyways.”

Point made there, Susan B. Anthony with the resting bitchy face. Stoel mentions how casually the men get to dress for work at J.C. Penney’s. Also how most of them have raped and dismembered children in the back of their Ford Econoline vans but still get to work in the kids shoe department. Stoel neglects to mention the reams of employee orientation material included pictures of things not to wear, including those short shorts. That might take away from her righteous indignation, though in no way harm the intellectual integrity of her argument. Once future employers Google her amazing dedication to work, she’s certain to be hired elsewhere forthwith. Wait, what does whiny feminist blogger pay again?

 Photo credit: Sylva Stoel/Twitter

Kenyans Tell Obama To Shut His Big Gay Mouth

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Obama-in-Kenya

The Kenyan people have a natural affinity for President Obama, so they put out the welcome wagon big time for his arrival and tour of all the great things going on in Kenya not related to the Islamic terrorism, corruption, starvation, and not winning a major Marathon in almost three Marathons. The country’s Christian clergy were not so impressed. Ministers representing some ten million practicing Christian Kenyans got together and wrote a note to Obama to tell him to shut the fuck up about Kenya needing to be go big on the gay like the U.S.

“We do not want him to come and talk on homosexuality in Kenya or push us to accepting that which is against our faith and culture. Let him talk about development; let him talk about cooperation; let him talk about the long-time relationship Kenya has had with America. But about our beliefs and culture– keep off!”

Given all the mortal problems plaguing the world’s shittiest continent, it seems a trifle out of order to make ant-gay biblical shit such a focus of your letter writing campaigns. Still, there is something to be said for not coming to my house and telling me how to live. It’s still illegal to be openly gay in Kenya as it is in most African countries where colorful wardrobes and The AIDS run rampant nevertheless. Maybe we agree that you don’t imprison dudes for fucking each other up the ass and we keep the malaria drugs and maize freely flowing? Spit and shake hands. Wait, let’s just raise our palms from a distance in the tradition of the Watusi. You can’t preach gay rights if you’re dead.

Photo credit: GettyImages

Charlie Riina Black Thong Bikini In Malibu

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Charlie Riina Black Thong Bikini In Malibu
It’s hard to gauge what parts are left real on this chick. She’s a bit like Vader. More machine than man, though more woman than man still. It’s hard to explain. I’d fuck her over Caitlin Jenner if that were my construct. At some point she’ll realize that pouring water on her tits is not the same as a meal. Or the guys pushing the gurney will force her to bottle feed.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tom Brady Battles Hard on Facebook

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 9:53 AM

Tom-Brady-Champion

In the future, real men will claim their innocence on Facebook posts. I guess that’s now. Tom Brady went to great lengths to let somebody fashion a long rebuttal to his four game DeflateGate suspension on his social media feed, normally reserved for showing off how hot his wife is. Everything seems defensible through decent lies except for that cellphone he ordered his assistant to destroy the same day he was being called to testify by the NFL. Though Brady explains this not clearly at all:

I replaced my broken Samsung phone with a new iPhone 6 AFTER my attorneys made it clear to the NFL that my actual phone device would not be subjected to investigation under ANY circumstances. As a member of a union, I was under no obligation to set a new precedent going forward, nor was I made aware at any time during Mr. Wells investigation, that failing to subject my cell phone to investigation would result in ANY discipline.

Even Facebook readers can glean that’s actually not an explanation, just a jumble of words designed to sound tonally like one. Most alarming is the revelation that Brady’s somehow broken Samsung contained over 10,000 texts over just a several months period. If you have a dick and you’re over fourteen, there’s no healthy explanation for rampant daily texting. If nine-thousand turn out to be pleas to his wife for anal, I might allow for the total. We’ll never know now that the cellphone done got broke all accidental like.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Khloe Kardashian Gym Rat

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

Khloe Kardashian Big Booty For Complex
The E! production team is constantly launching new storylines for Khloe Kardashian to keep her busy and unaware of the slutty Truman Show habitat that serves as her world. The latest is Khloe as ripped beast. A gym fiend that looks like a real live fitness model if you put her in Spanx and light and pose her just right for the cameras. The people who write words for Khloe insisted her photos were barely touched up, posting both raw and published photos to prove her point:

This one is for all the troll haters out there that cannot seem to give me an ounce of credit for my daily workouts!”

I’m not sure making Khloe physically stronger is an idea everybody at HQ has thought through clearly. When she busts through the fourth wall and you find out she’s been spitting out her meds for weeks, you’re going to wish she couldn’t bench press eight-fifty. Set up a tank perimeter around O.J.’s correctional facility. That’s likely where the MUTO’s headed.

Photo Credit: Complex Magazine

Olivia Culpo Topless For Treats!

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 9:03 AM

Olivia Culpo Oiled And Topless For Treats!
Olivia Culpo was the last Miss USA winner to mean anything since Trump glued on his hair and declared he hated Mexicans and soiled all that is special. Coming off a solid year as beard for Nick Jonas, Culpo has rotated 180 by stripping naked for a photoshoot that is only almost ruined by a dude sprayed down with sweaty glitter. Sometimes you do need a theme to convince a girl this isn’t just about seeing her tits. He’s Adonis, you’re Athena, now take off your top, Coco, fame costs.

Photo Credit: Treats! Magazine