Halle Berry Seems a Bit Snatchy

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 12:47 PM

Halle Berry Nearly Flashes Crotch On A Boat In Maui
I might be juvenile, but I got excited when Halle Berry almost showed off where babies of fifty year olds come from. I bet she’s had that vagina surgery that gives her twat the size, grip, and poor decision making skills of a teenager again. I’m sure her French husband benefits from thinking about that while he’s making sweet love to his dutiful male assistant. French men are gay jokes are cheap, but they still make me giggle.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

No One Cares That Brangelina Got Married And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.

Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)

Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)

Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)

Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)

Joan Rivers Is Dead, Or Not

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:43 AM

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In a battle of veracity between TMZ and social media hoaxers, there’s no clear way to pick the more reliable source. TMZ has a reporting accuracy of 12-percent, while people making up shit on Twitter sit at zero-percent, though far more self-aware and entertaining. Joan Rivers went into cardiac arrest during what is being described as out-patient throat surgery this morning. I’ll take that to mean tightening the Shar-Pei flaps billowing around her gizzard. She was rushed to Mount Sinai where nobody who knows shit currently knows her condition. But the celebrity media loves them some life cycle events. They pen obituaries and tributes in advance so they can publish while the fingertips are still warm. Not such a bad idea really as far as death hacks. I just didn’t mind for Joan, just in case.

Joan Rivers, occasionally funny, always cunty, the gays have lost a solid crone. RIP. Or see you on Fashion Police next Friday. Whichever way this turns.

Photo credit: E! Television

Lady Gaga Isn’t Fat This Week

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

Lady Gaga Posts A Booty Photo To Instagram
Would a fat woman post a picture of her ass like this to Instagram? I think not. The most important thing is that Lady Gaga is not letting the gossip and stubby finger pointing about her weight gain get to her. Like she tells her Little Monsters, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Don’t let bullies keep you from being the best King Joffrey looking little cutter with a raccoon henna tattoo you can be. Though, if you can contort your body enough and get the camera in just the right light and angle to make your ass look not so zaftig, you can still show the haters how wrong they are.

Photo Credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram

Kendall Jenner Drops Her Last Name

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

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It was always kind of a bitch for her to spell in autographs, now Kendall Jenner has officially dropped her last name from her professional modeling whatever the fuck that is. She’s simply going to be called Kendall in rapey photography circles from now on. Kendall has recently been bitching about how everybody thinks her current career success came from her famous family name because she lacks irony, as well as a hymen and a basic education. You can imagine Kendall might not be getting the respect she deserves among the fashion modeling sisterhood, a notoriously pre-menstrual assemblage of the world’s most catty bitches. By dropping her last name, her peers are certain to forget how she got into New York Fashion Week without having to blow guys named Pasquale from the age of eleven. She did blow those same guys, but she had the choice. That’ll mark her forever as an outsider.

Lake Bell In Lingerie in GQ

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 9:09 AM

Lake Bell Poses In Lingerie For The September 2014 Issue Of GQ Australia
Every time I post a picture of Lake Bell, some tool feels obligated to whip out the Butter Face reference. Then some bigger tool will retort with ‘you don’t fuck the face’. The most moronic exchange in the history of the written language only reinforces my desire never to post pictures of Lake Bell. This is how Lake Bell discrimination begins. I hope she sues.

Photo Credit: GQ Australia

Al Pacino Has a Young Girlfriend

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

Al Pacino With His Young Girlfriend Lucila Sola At JFK
Al Pacino showed off his new trophy girlfriend at a Hollywood party. Everybody’s in a tizzy because she’s 40 years young than he. If she was 40 years older, she’d be dead, so that’s not really an option. It bothers women that old guys prefer to old guy fuck young women. I can see how that would be threatening, if for some reason you felt like you were an older lady and being denied the option of hot Al Pacino sex. As long as Pacino doesn’t start spouting some bullshit about how they connect on a deeper level and they’re soul mates and she keeps his spirit youthful, he could put bang a high school senior after prom and I could care less. It’s when he signs up for Jack and Jill 2 that I’m to take away his Viagra and insisting he button his shirts.

Photo Credit: Splash

Eliot Spitzer Is Doing Well

By Matt August 28, 2014 @ 6:56 AM

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Some politicians respond to resignation worthy prostitution scandals by drinking themselves to death in The Hamptons but Eliot Spitzer is still making moves. He got on a flight to Paris with his former spokesgirl Lis Smith after selling some of his dad’s real estate for $147 million dollars. After losing an election the best thing to do is usually blow some family money on a social climber who doesn’t care you fucked hookers behind your anorexic wife’s back. With any luck she will become as broken and entrenched with dirty money and New York political society as Spitzer’s former trophy wife. Who says dreams don’t come true? Not for everyone, but for whores and guys with copious trust fund money absolutely. That could buy so many hookers hotter than either of them.

Photo Credit: Getty ImagesĀ