I Believe The Children Pimps Are Our Future

By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 10:30 AM


When did we become a nation that punishes the entrepreneurial spirit? Outrage ensued over a high school senior in Florida who turned her less bright future chick classmates into working whores via a virtual pimp station on Facebook. To me, this sounds like technology and teen spirit coming together as God and Small Business Association intended:

Using a search warrant, police looked at the Sarasota High School students’ Facebook page and found a business plan with rates such as $50 to $70 for oral sex, $100 for sex with a virgin. The cut for prostitutes was 40 percent.

This aspiring chick pimp also took alcohol in lieu of some cash. Practical girl. Also, a visionary businesswoman and marketeer as you can read in her inspirational Facebook message:

Why pimp out old hoes when I have fresh young hoes I can give up for money. As long as I’m getting paid I’m trafficking all these (expletive deleted).”

I’m guessing the deleted expletive was bitches or cunts. Either way, what a poetic grinder. Don’t think Bill Gates wasn’t cutthroat when he was building Microsoft. Windows Vista has to be considered more offensive than selling the teen classmates you’ve identified with the streetwalker mentality. This is no more than a reverse Risky Business. Florida style, so the students are the whore rather than the johns. I’d hire this chick to run our nation’s economy. Everybody who wants a job gets a job and we pay off our national debt with wadded up cash and forties.

Khloe Kardashian Has Problem Ass

By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:54 AM

Khloe Kardashian Shows Off Butt With See Through Leggings At The Gym
Remember when Lululemon sent out a recall notice because ladies with enormous haunches were stretching their yoga pants to the point of being profane? Time to loosen the rules on the email spam filter.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Irina Shayk Wears Bikinis

By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Irina Shayk Wears Bikinis
I don’t know why the world needs 837 women’s swimwear lines. They’re all using the same models to sell the same bikinis that look fucking amazing if you’re a supermodel, slightly less so for a soccer mom from New Brunswick who thinks skipping dessert provides muscle tone. The toddler workers of Papau New Guinea can only produce so many bikinis per day, even with the invisible fence collars pinging them to be more productive. Find a swimsuit you like, grab a backup for your monthly, and check back in five years. Irina Shayk won’t have trouble finding other work.

Photo Credit: Agua Bendita

That Pregnant Man Stalks Ex-Wife

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 8:28 AM


Thomas Beatie became famous for appearing on Oprah for being the ‘pregnant man’ even though he was formerly a woman with an obviously working lady parts. For most of the country this was seen as a carnival side show but probably raised awareness for the three other people in the word in his same predicament. Like so many former Oprah guests, Beatie was arrested on felony stalking charges because he attached a GPS device to his car, gave it to his ex-wife, and showed up everywhere she went wearing a trench coat and reading a newspaper too close to his face. Eventually she reported him to the police. Beatie never stops in his quest for progress. He was born a woman and is now acting like a creep, or put another way, like a dude. His wife was born a man and is now acting like a cunt by pressing charges on him instead of just talking it out. Even though everyone involved in this story is an awful non gender specific pejorative term I can’t think of, its good to know they have settled into their newfound roles. Wait. Assholes. Got it.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Bill Cosby, Flawed Rapist

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 7:48 AM


Some of Bill Cosby’s other villainous qualities finally are being reported by the press who were scared shitless of him before he became a punching bag. According to one former ass kisser, Cosby made an arrangement with the National Enquirer in which he would bash his drug addled daughter for a story so long as they didn’t run a piece about his partying with Sammy Davis Jr and some whores in Vegas. The anonymous and dickless reporter said:

“My editor told me that daddy Cosby was the source. He ratted out his flesh and blood.”

The Enquirer indeed published a piece where Cosby lambasted his daughter but never mentioned his carousing:

“This particular daughter appears to be the only one who is really very selfish. She’s never held down a job, never kept an apartment for more than six months. She uses her boyfriends. She wants the finer things, but she can’t stand anybody else’s dirt.”

Dana Kennedy, another reporter, told the story of a fairly psychotic interaction she had with Cos. Prior to interviewing him Cosby said:

“If it doesn’t go well, I’ll give you a piece of fruit. I’ll give you an apple or pear and you can be on your way.”

No word on whether he was stroking a cat while he said this. After the story ran a disappointed Cosby mailed her a rotten piece of fruit with a note that said “Here’s your apple.” Then he drugged and raped a few chicks and did a CNN interview telling grown adults to watch their language. It seems some of this info may have been useful when Cosby was repeatedly being accused of sexual assault years ago. Its’ a tough town old man. They’ll cut you down but they need to bequeath you a double standard first.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kendra Wilkinson Got Septuagenarian Dick (VIDEO)

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

Kendra Wilkinson said she was unaware being one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends entailed fucking him even though that’s what girlfriend means. ‘Someone I’m seeing’ or ‘we’re dating’ or ‘he invited me to see Wicked’ might imply there’s no sex, yet, or ever for that Wicked bit, but girlfriend clearly means you’ve been inside of her. Ask a caveman, he’ll tell you the same.

According to Wilkinson she thought the girlfriend gig just entailed living in the Playboy Mansion for free room and board. She may be the first stripper ever not deeply rooted in the no such thing as free lunches axiom. I wouldn’t mind hanging out in a mansion in my pajamas all day, but when it entails sucking a wrinkly pump action dick on a contractually obligated basis I’d rather pass. I’ll pay for my own Kung Pao delivery, thank you. Wilkinson is now in a troubled marriage with an unemployed man who secretly loves cock. Looking back, she has to think of that 78 year old and an occasional sludgy quickie rather fondly.

Cosby Sycophant Issues Fake Apology

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 6:34 AM


Mark Whitaker, the guy who wrote the definitive Cosby biography ‘Cosby: His Life and Times’ left out all the times Cosby was accused of rape. He issued an apology of sorts via his Twitter feed, which is otherwise loaded with promotional material and self praise of said book. When Bill Buckner let the ball roll through his legs he became a homeless alcoholic. He should have taken Whitaker’s lead and hawked blooper tapes of his career on QVC. Whitaker is the former editor of Newsweek so he’s no stranger to writing filler bullshit for McDonald’s 99-Cent Menu ad space. This case is slightly different. Kiss Cosby’s ass, get access to a bunch of longwinded puffery interviews with him, and agree to leave out unflattering and felonious details in exchange for permission to publish the book. Share some profits with Cos and meet him in Bangkok for Spring Break. You scratch my back, I’ll rape your wife.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Twitter Exec Can’t Figure Out Twitter

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

Twitter CFO Anthony Noto tried to send a direct message to someone on Twitter but accidentally posted it publicly. This comes as a relief to anyone who has tried using Twitter, foundered incompetently, and ended up posting defamatory remarks about The Kids These Days on Facebook or just the bulletin board at work. While it wasn’t of the “I like it when you wear that fireman outfit and play with my balls” variety of classified info it could conceivably be damning as it appears to be some three piece suit cigar wielding dick swinging back room business strategizing for an upcoming meeting:

“I still think we should buy them. He is on your schedule for Dec 15 or 16 — we will need to sell him. i have a plan.”

If you have a meeting with Twitter for this date on your Rolodex you just gained considerable leverage. Worst case scenario Twitter is out a million or so bucks and can’t remodel the billiards room. Asteroids orbit close to earth constantly. This one hit and left a divot on the lawn. A racially charged comment about Obama or disparaging remark on the size of Mark Zuckerberg’s dick would have been kicked off a real shit storm. Keep your head up Noto. There’s plenty of people out there way dumber than you accidentally posting photos of their engorged genitals to their mother’s timeline.

Photo Credit: Twitter