Slut Joke Shames Avengers, Series Probably Over (VIDEO)

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 1:06 PM

Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans made a legitimately funny aside about ‘Black Widow’ being a slut in the Avengers story and got to laugh for ten seconds before their reps were forced to issue public apologizes recognizing that women, blacks, Jews, Asians, gays, Hispanics, Muslims, SUNY Binghamton grads, the disabled, the obese, people living with anxiety, The Hmong people, McDonald’s employees, crossdressers, the agoraphobic, those in committed Adult Nursing Relationships, drug addicts, bulimics, semi-aborted fetuses, or adult men who chew gum are not suitable topics for humor. Chris Evans agent got out ahead of this horror with some pro forma bullshit:

“Yesterday we were asked about the rumors that Black Widow wanted to be in a relationship with both Hawkeye and Captain America. We answered in a juvenile and offensive way that rightfully angered some fans. I regret it and sincerely apologize.”

You could see this as another slouching step toward the pussy state of political correctness. Or, you could hail the fact that comic book characters no longer have to be slut shamed. Inclusiveness should be our goal, even if it means excluding tons of people. Not to mention anything that makes life worth living. Laughter is overrated. Cinch your belt a little tighter and pretend you lost five pounds. Everybody cool hates mirth.

Lena Dunham Half-Assed And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Lena Dunham is in the news again for writing a column in Seventeen Magazine where she tells girls to be different and not care what the haters think. She could’ve just copied and pasted the Tweets of every single pop star on social media. But that’s called plagiarism, while she was aiming for lazy pro-forma.

Read all about the Lena Dunham deep dive column. (Huffington Post)

Gigi Hadid turns up the heat for her 20th birthday. (Egotastic)

Big Sean thinks Ariana Grande used Bieber to get back at him. (TMZ)

Behati Prinsloo took a picture of her crotch. That is all. (Drunken Stepfather)

Pixie Lott sure does have some nice sideboob. (Hollywood Tuna)

Danielle Knudson in a bikini? Don’t mind if I do. (Popoholic)

Let’s take some time to reflect on some booties. (The Chive)

Heidi Klum Plays It Rich

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 11:42 AM

Heidi Klum Wears Her Own Lingerie For Sia
Heidi Klum got herself cast in the latest Sia video about melancholy girls in underwear lighting men on fire, the summary visual definition of feminism. Heidi makes out a lot with the dude who got his head exploded in Game of Thrones before they torch her house and she runs out with the wig of the little girl the pedo bear cast in Sia’s previous three videos. At some point they close in on the lingerie Heidi’s wearing revealing it’s her own branded line available at numerous department stores with previously worn versions for sale on Craigslist. If you ever wondered what would happen if models had brains, this is it. Not mountain top strongholds with lasers like I previously predicted. Heidi Klum is worth $70 million. She banged, gestated, worked, contracted, and plotted every single dollar therein. She won’t ever get a school holiday like that dude who helped migrant strawberry pickers get raises from 30 cents an hour to 34 cents an hour, but young people should study her just the same. This German chick is America’s last chance.


Photo Credit: Sia “Fire Meet Gasoline”

Kim Kardashian Gets Earth Day

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

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There’s something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It’s whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies.

In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th!

The exclamation point seems a bit much. The damaged clanswomen who exchange their colored beads for your book don’t need prodding to seal their position as bottom rung on the mental food chain. The entire point of Earth Day is to sell somebody on something. Kim showing off her tits in front of a bush isn’t any more cynical than Governor Brown forgetting to mention that I can no longer wash my balls because we need more almond milk for the anti-vaxxers in Santa Barbara. Everybody’s lying on Earth Day. Kim had the decency to show off her tits. That’s called a mitigating factor. Buy her book and complete the circle. I’m moving to Seattle where the are no televisions.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram/Elle France

Allie Mason Topless Perfect

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 9:56 AM

Allie Mason Flashes Chest For 138 Water
If you can find a girl who smiles broadly while having her tits commercially exploited, marry her. But in a third world country where official documents are still produced on dot matrix ASCII printers. At some point those cute Post-Its she hides in your bag for work are going to include disturbing confessionals of things she did to survive as a child. Remind her that immolating her three uncles in their sleep was surely self-defense even as you consult your attorney on how much to annul your Malaysian marriage. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Not with tits like that.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kanye Divorces

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

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Just 25-days ago America’s finest music makers were on a podium declaring the death of Spotify and Pandora and announcing the launch of Tidal, the true artist-fair music app. Kanye West, Madonna, that dude in the Mickey Mouse head, and Nicki Minaj got doe-eyed explaining how Tidal would cost only twice as much as its competitors so Madonna could afford a decent oneg shabbat spread for her Kabbalah cluster. That pretty much killed Tidal in the crib. Even Kanye’s hand upon Tidal couldn’t save that fucker. After a few downloads in the opening week, Tidal dropped off the bottom of the iPhone charts while Spotify and Pandora both had record signups thanks to a bunch of unlikable famous people talking shit about them. The enemy of my app is my friend. Displaying his unwavering loyalty, Kanye has removed the Tidal logo from his Twitter profile and retro-deleted every single Tweet he’d made about the service. Then he announced his won-loss record remains perfect. Memorial services for Tidal will be held later this week. Beyonce will sing a song she didn’t write and bitch about how she’s not getting songwriter royalties.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Miley Cyrus Is Single and Hirsute

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Miley Cyrus Is Single With Hairy Armpits
Maxim’s Hottest Girl in the Universe Since the Dawn of Time stopped shaving her pits to signify that she’s ready for a new mate. Canadian geese do the same as do fetish serial killers. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger are taking a break from their relationship after Cyrus discovered Schwarzenegger boning other girls and Schwarzenegger discovered boning other girls felt really good. I’d recommend this sort of college kid and this sort of singer girl date other people and stay away from exclusive until they’re mature enough to handle the responsibility. Or until they lose their ability to easily fuck pretty much whoever they want. Options are the death knell of committed relationships.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Mila Kunis Sued Over Chicken

By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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A fledgling singer who was apparently friends with Mila Kunis while growing up in the Ukraine is suing her for five thousand dollars because Kunis stole her pet chicken when they were kids. Kristina Karo now claims she needs to a shrink because of the emotional trauma, as do I after browsing her Instagram photos. Think Marilyn Manson if he slept on a potato sack and smoked discarded cigarette butts outside the Greyhoud station. It’s unclear if this is a publicity stunt or if Karo is truly bat shit crazy. Both of them were insolent for keeping a chicken as a pet in the desolate rubble of their motherland. Why are we eating gruel and when do I stab your pet in the head with a screwdriver and drop it into some hot oil? Karo’s suit will likely go nowhere, yet I’d suggest she be deported for disrespecting our legal system with tails of Mrs. Ashton Kutcher kidnapping her chickens. I heard cruise ships are hiring. Not to sing, are you fucking crazy? Here’s some rubber gloves, keep your head down and try not to scare anyone.

Photo Credit: Instagram