Drake Grinds Rihanna to Make Auto-Tuned Babies

At this point in her career, Rihanna sings through vocal synthesizers almost entirely about getting fucked. Her music producers used to give her more to say but nobody was buying it. "Work" is her third song with Drake that follows the general message of, I think I love him but all he wants to do is fuck me, and that's okay too. It's not a bad message for young girls if you're a super practical parent raising kids in...read more

Drake Horas for Cash

Over the weekend, rapper Drakegot in touch with his Jewish roots and half a million dollars and performed at a rich girl's Bat Mitzvah. The dadis Ben Ashkenazy, whose real estate holdings areon the Trump level.Getting Drake and the Rainbow Room for your thirteenthbirthday exponentially increases yourodds of becoming Ann Hathaway in a movie visiting the seedy side of town fordangerous thrills. It's tough to peek at...read more

Diddy And Drake Sword Fight

Diddy and Drake reportedlymade fake amends over their fake beef at Mel's Diner which serves only realcheese. Their feud drew minor attention because its subjects were a self-aggrandizingbusinessman and the star of Canadian Saved By The Bell overdubbed in French. Diddy had reportedly punched Drake at a nightclub in Miami a fewmonths back over some rights to some shit ball song people get AIDS to. These reports were...read more

Madonna Claims Drake Is a Chick Who Doesn't Know What He Wants (VIDEO)

Madonna went on YouTube to pretend to answer impromptu questions from her fans while making sure to keep her face at a 43-degree angle to the camera for even one degree off and her skeleton appears to dance. Just past the two minute mark, she reads a question about that awkward make-out session with Drake at Coachella and fired off her an obviously canned response, "I kissed a girl and I liked it." That's what the...read more

Drake Jimmies Up Some Lies And Shit Around The Web

Canadian teen soap opera star Drake claims he's "100%" with being deep throatedby desiccated crone Madonna at Coachella. This is contrary to early reportsand his obvious physical reaction to feeling his life force being sucked out of his gourd. Read all of Drake's lies. (Huffington Post) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley uses her arms as a bra for Harpers. (Egotastic) Rihanna forgets to wear a bra and shows everyone her nips....read more

Drake Repulsed By Old Woman's Tongue (VIDEO)

Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretchand talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he's being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she's a pro wrestler...read more

Drake Narrowly Avoids Cherp Herps And Shit Around The Web

Former Canadian teen dramatistDrake supposedly struck out with Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa. She was moved by his music, but less impressed with the not black part of his junk. He'll likely create a new rap that shades the story differently. Read about this modern day love story. (Dlisted) Hackers threaten Taylor Swift with releasing titty pics. (TMZ) Nadja Bender shows off her awesome thumper for Vogue. (Egotastic)...read more

Drake's Dad Is Dirty Old Man

Drake's old ass dad, who's name is Dennis Graham, spends all his time drinking and soliciting handsy photos with any piece of ass in his diminished line of sight and then posting them.Outside of that he is apparently an aspiring musician. He put out a feeler on Instagram saying he was looking for a "Classy female rapper" for a cut. It seems clear he is targeting chicks who think they can get to Drake through...read more

Drake Crashes The Stage (VIDEO)

Comedian Red Grant was on stage doing an impression of Drake at The Comedy Store which entailed dancing nondescriptly to one of Drake's songs. It is unknown whether he was doing this precisely because Drake was in the audience or if this is one of his signature bits. Drake then got on stage and commented eloquently on the happenings: "What the fuck impression is that? Who is that shit? That shit is like a Omarion,...read more

Diddy Punches Drake, Nobody Dies, There Is No Santa

Rap music was always good for some murders between disrespecting douchebags with bad chin hairand questionable upbringings. Now the best you get is a Twitter feud, maybe a bottle tossing incident at a club with underaged Kardashians if you're lucky. Sean Combs punched Drake outside a nightclub in Miami apparently because the two had a dispute over the interpretation of some found art projects highlighted at Art Basel...read more

Drake Better Than The Beatles

In stunning confirmation of Satan's plan to unleash mediocre hacks onto earth to diminish our cultural standards, Drake surpassed The Beatles in number of Top 100 hits. Few over the age of fourteen would argue with a straight face that Drake's talent comes remotely close to any single Beatle outside of Ringo, or that any of his songs are particularly good. This leads to one conclusion: stupid people like bad shit. The...read more

Rihanna Is The Devil And Shit Around The Web

Canadian douche rapper Drake put up a picture of his ex-girlfriend Rihanna with the numbers 666 superimposed on her badger face during one of his shitty concerts. Rappers have basically become the guys who can't let go of office romances gone bad so they're eternal dicks about it until somebody has to quit. Look into the face of the beast. (Huffington Post) Valerie Van Der Graaf looks all hot writhing around in a bed....read more

Drake And Macklemore Shot Into Space And Shit Around The Web

The inexplicably popular Drake used his forum as host of the ESPYs to throw shade at Macklemore. He's still jealous that the talentless shitburger beat him at the Grammys to which he wore his very neatest suit. I wish Easy-E hadn't died of The AIDS so he could set these kids straight, with a gun. Read what the handicapped kid from Degrassi had to say about Macklemore. (Huffington Post) Want to see a picture of Kate...read more

Drake Is Simply The Boy Who Loves Too Much

Last week, rapper Drake and his on again/off again girlfriend Rihanna reportedly ended things again because he "loves her too much," which is the sort of thing that is said about a guy before he's sent away to prison for sawing a woman's head off and filling her skull with his own hair. And because he loves Rihanna too much, Drake is already back together with his other on again/off again girlfriend, Brandy Price,...read more

Drake Is Officially Plowing Rihanna

Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna's former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he's quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a...read more