Drake Better Than The Beatles

By Matt October 06, 2014 @ 7:54 AM

Drake

In stunning confirmation of Satan’s plan to unleash mediocre hacks onto earth to diminish our cultural standards, Drake surpassed The Beatles in number of Top 100 hits. Few over the age of fourteen would argue with a straight face that Drake’s talent comes remotely close to any single Beatle outside of Ringo, or that any of his songs are particularly good. This leads to one conclusion: stupid people like bad shit. The Bad Shit Theory can be proven further when you note that the cast of Glee’s flitty watered down bullshit song covers have attainted nearly three times as many top hits as The Beatles.

A lot of this probably has to do with pussified new age parents who haven’t seen an R rated movie since they had a sex life yet can quote the entire Curious George series on cue. In a quest to mold their children into dull assholes, they shower their kids with Drake CDs and Justin Bieber posters while bragging at PTA meetings how their kids are gifted ever since the state made it illegal to test for IQ distinctions. Adults used to rule this country since they were smarter and had all the money. Power has now shifted to pre pubescent entitled jerks and their former Nickelodeon star lip synching ratchety idols. Anyone looking to protest should hit up a brick and mortar video store for some VHS porn, throw it on the dash of your airbagless Mustang, and hang out in the mall parking lot smoking cigarettes and blaring Metallica. Take back the streets.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rihanna Is The Devil And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 06, 2014 @ 11:58 AM

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Canadian douche rapper Drake put up a picture of his ex-girlfriend Rihanna with the numbers 666 superimposed on her badger face during one of his shitty concerts. Rappers have basically become the guys who can’t let go of office romances gone bad so they’re eternal dicks about it until somebody has to quit.

Look into the face of the beast. (Huffington Post)

Valerie Van Der Graaf looks all hot writhing around in a bed. (Drunken Stepfather)

Cristina de Pin and her ridiculous booty hang out on the beach. (Hollywood Tuna)

So, Katy Perry is a witch now and is casting love spells. (Dlisted)

Do you want to see Juliana Mueller wearing lingerie in a barn? (Popoholic)

I have been staring at these gifs of Alison Brie’s tits bouncing for the last half hour. (The Chive)

Ana Braga has some big old titty balls. (The Superficial)

(Image Via Instagram)

Drake And Macklemore Shot Into Space And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 17, 2014 @ 12:30 PM

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The inexplicably popular Drake used his forum as host of the ESPYs to throw shade at Macklemore. He’s still jealous that the talentless shitburger beat him at the Grammys to which he wore his very neatest suit. I wish Easy-E hadn’t died of The AIDS so he could set these kids straight, with a gun.

Read what the handicapped kid from Degrassi had to say about Macklemore. (Huffington Post)

Want to see a picture of Kate Upton big ole titties? Of course you do! (Drunken Stepfather)

Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer is hot, especially when she wears a see-through shirt. (Taxi Driver)

Britney Spears dined and very slowly dashed at the Cheesecake Factory (The Superficial)

Chrissy Teigen warms up for a performance by spazzing out all sexy on the floor. (COED)

Selena Gomez isn’t wearing any underwear under her Renn Faire dress. (Popoholic)

Whore banshee Jenny McCarthy claims she’s burned through 400 vibrators. (BroBible)

Drake Is Simply The Boy Who Loves Too Much

By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Drake is on again off again with every woman

Last week, rapper Drake and his on again/off again girlfriend Rihanna reportedly ended things again because he “loves her too much,” which is the sort of thing that is said about a guy before he’s sent away to prison for sawing a woman’s head off and filling her skull with his own hair. And because he loves Rihanna too much, Drake is already back together with his other on again/off again girlfriend, Brandy Price, which makes her look like she just took the door off the hinges and told the mopiest rapper in the game to stop by any time that he wants to post her photo on Instagram. In a week or so, Drake will realize that he kisses Brandy too gently and needs to move on to another of his former girlfriends, and hopefully he’ll eventually meet the right woman who lives just on the other side of a really busy highway.

Drake Is Officially Plowing Rihanna

By Jack March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.

Drake Treats Diddy Like A Wack MC

By Jack February 20, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

Drake broke all kinds of rap etiquette when he took the mic away from Diddy during a performance. The two egomaniacal d-bags were at the Metropolitan Club in New Orleans along with other epic poets like Busta Rhymes and Nelly. When Drake began his song Worst Behavior, Diddy, (or whatever the fuck silly kid’s name he’s called these days), joined in. Drake then took the microphone away from him so he wouldn’t sing along. Basically he treated Diddy like a wack mc and a stone cold bitch using language that no rapper uses anymore. I guess all of that means something to guys who spend more time buying sneakers than even pretending to hone a musical craft. Even within the category of crappy rap, Diddy is pretty distinguished as a a D-level talent. I guess Drake is better because he’s handsome and the girls love him and that means it doesn’t matter how untalented he is. When Justin Bieber raps, 10,000 girls scream their heads off and call him a master too. The entire thing could only be made better with some bitter feud shootouts.  But only good rappers die in shootouts, the horrible ones just seem to go on bitch fighting forever.