Drake Is Officially Plowing Rihanna

By Jack March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.

Drake Treats Diddy Like A Wack MC

By Jack February 20, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

Drake broke all kinds of rap etiquette when he took the mic away from Diddy during a performance. The two egomaniacal d-bags were at the Metropolitan Club in New Orleans along with other epic poets like Busta Rhymes and Nelly. When Drake began his song Worst Behavior, Diddy, (or whatever the fuck silly kid’s name he’s called these days), joined in. Drake then took the microphone away from him so he wouldn’t sing along. Basically he treated Diddy like a wack mc and a stone cold bitch using language that no rapper uses anymore. I guess all of that means something to guys who spend more time buying sneakers than even pretending to hone a musical craft. Even within the category of crappy rap, Diddy is pretty distinguished as a a D-level talent. I guess Drake is better because he’s handsome and the girls love him and that means it doesn’t matter how untalented he is. When Justin Bieber raps, 10,000 girls scream their heads off and call him a master too. The entire thing could only be made better with some bitter feud shootouts.  But only good rappers die in shootouts, the horrible ones just seem to go on bitch fighting forever.

Drake Apologizes For Being A Whiny Bitch

By Jack February 14, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Drake apologized for whining that he lost the most recent Rolling Stone cover to the late Philip Seymour Hoffman. We told you about Drake’s temper tantrum over losing the music magazine cover at the last minute. Drake asked to be forgiven while continuing to whine in a note full of spelling and grammatical errors. Apparently, they didn’t teach Jimmy how to write so well at Degrassi:

“I completely support and agree with Rolling Stone replacing me on the cover with the legendary Phillip [sic] Seymour Hoffman. He is one of the most incredible actors of our time and a man that deserves to be immortalized by this publication. My frustration stemmed from the way it was executed. The circumstances at hand are completely justifiable (on the magazines [sic] behalf), but I was not able to salvage my story or my photos and that was devastating. They ran the issue without giving me a choice to be in it or not.”

Yeah, because magazines regularly consult the showpiece celebrities they interview about their editorial decisions.Right now the folks at Time Life are talking to Kate Upton’s tits about how their swimsuit edition should be laid out. Grow up, Jimmy. Try to imagine it’s enough that you’re the greatest selling Canadian Black Jewish rapper of all time. The rewards will follow from your humility.

Drake Didn’t Like Philip Seymour Hoffman Stealing His Spotlight

By Jack February 13, 2014 @ 5:42 PM

Jimmy from Degrassi is griping about losing his Rolling Stone cover to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Drake was slated for the cover for an interview in which he boldly stated Kanye West’s Yeezus album wasn’t very good. But he got bumped for the overdosed Oscar winner. This made Drake so mad he jumped up and down like a Canadian toddler that spilled his poutine at the Tim Horton’s. He tweeted,

“I never commented on Yeezus for my interview portion of Rolling Stone. They also took my cover from me last minute and ran the issue. I’m disgusted with that. RIP to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. All respect due. But the press is evil.”

Yes, the press is soooo evil. Drake went and deleted his toolish Tweet blaming Hoffman for dying and stealing his much-deserved Rolling Stone cover. He followed up with the more generic ‘I’m quitting the press’ snit. Wonderful my man. How about a bag on your head as well?  Of course, if Drake wants to really ensure himself a Rolling Stone cover, let Hoffman guide his actions thusly.

Rihanna and Drake Make It Rain at Strip Club

By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 3:28 PM

Vlive Strip Club Where Rihanna And Drake Spent 17k In Houston
Drake and his late night strip club date, Rihanna, and his posse of twelve dudes who follow him around to falsely compliment him, spent upwards of 100 grand of cash at a Houston strip mall strip club. One of the strippers claims the couple was ‘nice’ and Rihanna even gave her inspiration to pursue who singing career while slapping her ass. I guess I can’t judge Rihanna for being like every other dude I’ve ever gone to a strip club with. For his part, Drake’s hired friends decided it would be a good idea to film each other at the strip club throwing huge amounts of cash around. Then film the girls backstage counting all their cash, you know, just to give some low hanging fruit to the local IRS office. It’d be easy to lament the gratuitous amounts of cash wasted by a pair of young knucklehead singers, but I’d rather look at the glass half full and call it one fortunate evening to have chosen whoring over dental hygienist school.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kris Jenner Wants Khloe To Ruin Drake’s Life Now

By Travis October 11, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

While Lamar Odom’s crack smoke hasn’t even dissipated yet, Kris Jenner is rumored to be hard at work in finding a new boyfriend for Khloe Kardashian, who isn’t divorced, but who the fuck cares when there’s cash and ratings to be earned? According to In Touch, Kris has been trying to set Khloe up with rapper Drake because she thinks the daughter she probably had with someone who isn’t Robert Kardashian finally deserves someone who isn’t a jerk. Meanwhile, Kris herself will probably soon be looking for a new boyfriend now that she and Bruce Jenner have split, and I’ve got my fingers crossed for Chris Brown’s dad or a bunch of starving sharks.

(Photo Credit: Kris Jenner’s Instagram)