By Jack April 15, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Canadian teen soap opera star Drake claims he’s “100%” with being deep throated by desiccated crone Madonna at Coachella. This is contrary to early reports and his obvious physical reaction to feeling his life force being sucked out of his gourd.
Read all of Drake’s lies. (Huffington Post)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley uses her arms as a bra for Harpers. (Egotastic)
Rihanna forgets to wear a bra and shows everyone her nips. (TMZ)
Nadine Leopold and her freckled face model some lingerie just for you. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Bambi Blyth and this is her amazing cleavage. (Hollywood Tuna)
Is it OK to openly ogle Sophie Turner in tight pants yet? (Popoholic)
It’s Wednesday, let’s celebrate booties! (The Chive)
By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretch and talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he’s being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she’s a pro wrestler and walks off stage with her old lady buns hanging out of her stripper attire. Drake’s public relations people are now spinning that he was just grossed out by her lipstick and not being involuntarily tongue jabbed by someone older than his mom but not as good looking. When dudes are repulsed by you making out with them it’s time to hang up the Road Warrior lingerie. You just ruined Coachella’s trending popular line graph. Bake a pie and call it a day.
By Jack January 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Former Canadian teen dramatist Drake supposedly struck out with Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa. She was moved by his music, but less impressed with the not black part of his junk. He’ll likely create a new rap that shades the story differently.
Read about this modern day love story. (Dlisted)
Hackers threaten Taylor Swift with releasing titty pics. (TMZ)
Nadja Bender shows off her awesome thumper for Vogue. (Egotastic)
Lady Gaga does yoga in a thong because, Oh God my eyes! (Huffington Post)
Naomi Campbell is still highly fuckable. (Drunken Stepfather)
Hailey Clauson in a bikini is super fucking fappable. (Popoholic)
Kerrie McMahon uses her tits to sell overpriced water. (The Superficial)
By Matt January 23, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Drake’s old ass dad, who’s name is Dennis Graham, spends all his time drinking and soliciting handsy photos with any piece of ass in his diminished line of sight and then posting them. Outside of that he is apparently an aspiring musician. He put out a feeler on Instagram saying he was looking for a “Classy female rapper” for a cut. It seems clear he is targeting chicks who think they can get to Drake through questionable mustache dad. Whatever. We both have an agenda here. Let’s talk about the song over a drink. No I don’t have access to a studio or a musical background. I’ll let you see Drake’s old bedroom. You find an angle you better work it. It’s hard out there for a pimp.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 08, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Comedian Red Grant was on stage doing an impression of Drake at The Comedy Store which entailed dancing nondescriptly to one of Drake’s songs. It is unknown whether he was doing this precisely because Drake was in the audience or if this is one of his signature bits. Drake then got on stage and commented eloquently on the happenings:
“What the fuck impression is that? Who is that shit? That shit is like a Omarion, Chris Brown together shit. That’s not me, man.”
Shit, yeah shit. Fuckin shit is shitty and shit right? Drake actually seemed pretty entertained by the whole thing because it had something to do with him. I’d say for every couple rappers you make fun of on stage there’s an armed assault in the parking lot after the show. You lucked out this time Red, but keep the Suge Knight impression firmly in that back pocket. Fuck it, have a few cocktails and let it fly when you see him. Comedy is supposed to be dangerous right?
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 11:56 AM
Rap music was always good for some murders between disrespecting douchebags with bad chin hair and questionable upbringings. Now the best you get is a Twitter feud, maybe a bottle tossing incident at a club with underaged Kardashians if you’re lucky. Sean Combs punched Drake outside a nightclub in Miami apparently because the two had a dispute over the interpretation of some found art projects highlighted at Art Basel earlier in the day. Also Drake still holds a grudge against Diddy for casting shade on his haftarah portion at his Canadian bar mitvah. Diddy apparently yelled out ‘you will never disrespect me’ then punched Drake in the sideburns. The fight was quickly broken up as both entourages simultaneously regretted not going to vocational college and learning a marketable trade. Unfortunately, Rappers have far too much to lose these days to bother shooting each other. Prison is not so bad when your straight out of Compton, less great when you’ve spent the last decade receiving spa treatments in Palm Beach and having girls with warm vaginas begging you to make illegitimate babies. There’s always the chance somebody will stroke out fro stress during one of these pugilistic pose offs. I’ll pray for that.