Bow Down To The Probably Non-Existent Terrorists

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

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James Rogen and Seth Franco cancelled all their media appearances for The Interview. I guess it’s all fun and games until you figure maybe Virginia Tech. Or Sony forced their hand because a Dead Franco is a serious insurance payoff. Not to be outdone Landmark Theaters cancelled the NYC premiere of the film, soon followed by other theater chains announcing they would no longer be showing the movie out of safety concerns. Where’s all that These Colors Don’t Run shit when you need it? You just handed a winning ticket voucher to a pudgy virgin ten thousand miles away who I heard is a bad tipper. Or a skinny redhead in Suburban Denver. I have no idea, I’m just making shit up. That’s the whole point. Maybe they don’t exist. North Korea exists but when’s the last time they bombed a movie theater in the U.S.? Grow a pair. Get your spine and your fucking Orange Crush and buy a ticket. We’re America, not Ameri-pussy. I also just made that up. You can steal it.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

James Franco Deals Well With Poor Reviews

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Professional handsome guy James Franco is all in a tizzy over an unfavorable review of his Broadway show. Franco is currently starring in a revival of Of Mice And Men where he plays George to Chris O’Dowd’s Lenny. Pissy New York Times Critic Ben Brantley thought the show sucked donkey balls. He said Franco sounded like Yosemite Sam. But, rather than take criticism like a man, Franco decided to lash out on that favorite tool for teen temper tantrums, Twitter:

“Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarrassed themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason, he’s an idiot.”

I haven’t seen the show. I’m too poor to both afford tickets and pay for my uncontrollable online porn habit. But it is scientifically impossible for this show to not suck. James Franco and Chris O’Dowd doing Steinbeck? I just said that like it means anything. Just picture James Franco being a shitty actor in tons of movies, then pretend he’s trying to do something subtle and poignant, like telling seventeen year old girls to meet him in a hotel room. The dude’s art is not subtle. It’s looking good and having a bawdy laugh at the world as he screws everyone’s daughters. So you’re not a good actor. You still get all the benefits of one. Shut that fucking Twitter account off already and ask AOL to kindly bring back their Teens Only chat rooms where you can conquest with more quiet dignity.

Kelly Ripa Pardons James Franco (VIDEO)

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 1:16 PM

It’s worrisome when the morning talk show bobble heads get confronted with unscripted situations. Like Kelly Ripa and lisping Michael Strahan providing James Franco the forum to cop to encouraging a seventeen year old girl on Instagram to meet him in a hotel room.These teleprompter monkeys off the cuff are more awkward than bringing a honey-baked ham to a kosher pot luck. Based on his deeply furrowed brow, James Franco feels the sting of not being able to hit on teenage girls without the world knowing. Kelly Ripa tells him it’s cool because ‘we’ve all been there’ (we have?), and Michael Strahan tritely says honesty is the best policy as he tries to form a reasonable approximation of an  ‘ssss’ sound through his randomly spaced incisors. It used to be when a 30-something actor banged teen girls, we didn’t talk about it until he fled the country or he was killed when his buddy drove he and his Porsche into a tree at 80 mph. In the very least, you had to give Oprah a full hour of tears just to get regal probation. Now it’s forty-three seconds on Kelly and Michael being told you’re a brave man for plowing Scottish high school girls then admitting you do after you got caught. Times have changed. Get off my fucking lawn.

James Franco Tries to Bang a Scottish Teen

By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

Lucy Clode Poses With James Franco For An Instagram Selfie In New York
It appears that James Franco tried to have sex with a seventeen year old girl he met outside his Broadway show. The 97.4% of the Internet prone to obvious knee-jerk judgments railed on James Franco for being a super creep. The other 2.6% of the Internet tried to get him to share child porn and asked him he ever fucked a baby before and liked it. Bless you, Internet. Franco made the classic mistake of trying to hook up with the Scottish teen tourist online and via text, where instead of just saying, no thank you, I’m the only girl in the world who wouldn’t have sex with James Franco, Lucy Clode felt obliged to engage him in hookup conversation, record it, then share it with the media. Oh, Lucy Clode, you are such a Murder She Wrote letdown, even for a Scottish girl. That’s not to say James Franco isn’t a tool. What kind of public figure tries to get a seventeen year old girl to meet him in a hotel room? Have Chris Hansen’s teachings gone completely unheeded? Even though technically legally in New York, I’d keep that shit to private Hollywood Hills parties after cocaine and conversations of how Roman Polanski was a genius. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or so say the men serving long stretches in the pen for kidnapping their nieces.

James Franco followed up the allegations with a joke, like the jokey jokemeister that he is:

I don’t know. I probably would’ve gone with the more classic ‘It wasn’t me’, or ‘Bitch set me up’. In the very least, something defense attorney like ‘I can’t wait for my day in court to prove my innocence.’ But advice to parents to not let James Franco fuck your young daughter is selfless for sure. Maybe Franco ends up winning an award out of this whole thing. Either way, expect him to punish Scotland.

Photo Credit: Lucy Clode/Instagram

James Franco Denies Porking Lindsay Lohan

By Jack March 28, 2014 @ 12:27 PM

Overexposed human tampon James Franco is denying claims that he doinked Lindsay Lohan. Franco’s name appears alongside other useless Hollywood pretty looking men like Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Orlando Bloom on a list of the people Lindsay has tried to unleash her herp upon. According to Franco they are just friends and her list is basically a steaming pile of shit, just like her movies. He says,

“Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list…I mean, I don’t want to brag about it,” he said. “I don’t know how that got out … She was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”

This is in spite of the fact that Franco just wrote poems about Lohan in his latest book of shitty poetry. In my experience of dudes who feel obliged to pen poetry, you really only write about girls who’ve gobbled your knob, or you really wish would do so. Look, I get it, you fucked Lindsay Lohan and you are ashamed of it. We’ve all planted our flags in god forsaken lands we wish we could disremember. And there surely was no more forsaken plot of land than Lindsay Lohan’s Vodka-soaked snatch patch circa 2007. But own up to it. You’ve already come out as not gay, which disappointed the large majority of your male fans who dream of running their dicks through your hair. Seal the deal by admitting you railed Lindsay, then repeatedly punched Zac Efron in the neck until he took seconds. Honesty really is the best policy.

Adrien Brody Is Straight, James Franco Wishes He Wasn’t

By Lex September 10, 2013 @ 1:49 PM

Adrien Brody And Girlfriend Lara Leito Dance With Belly Dancers In Istanbul
It’s odd to think that Adrien Brody might be the last bastion of heterosexuality in Hollywood. Who would’ve called that? But apparently he does like chicks, including his girlfriend and these belly dancers in Turkey. His career is probably fucked now that everybody knows he likes the pussy.

James Franco wants to keep working, so he came out today and basically apologized for not being gay.

“I don’t even care if people think I’m gay, so it was like, ‘Awesome!’ I mean, I wish I was … I wish I was gay.”  - James Franco to The Daily Beast

I wish James Franco were gay too. I was going to say I wished for world peace or an end to famine in plagued lands, but when I catch that next shooting star, I’m cosmically requesting that James Franco gets a happy mouth full of cock.  At least then he will shut the fuck up. Because it’s hard to talk with Adrien Brody’s junk in your gullet.

Photo Credit: WENN