James Franco Understands Mickey D’s

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 1:01 PM


James Franco wrote an open letter to the Washington Post discussing his joyful time spent as a broke young actor in L.A. working the fry station at McDonald’s. It’s unclear why he wrote the letter, but weed and the potential for free McNuggets for the remainder of his life seems like a viable answer. In the last millennium, fast food restaurants were heavily staffed by teenagers working part time to pay for condoms and maybe some gas or beer money. Everybody was happy, including Franco who recalls the fast food joint as a great place to work while perfecting his obnoxious mugging gay baiting acting craft. I too remember working those joints. The ‘old guy dick manager’ was nineteen, maybe twenty if his prospects were lean. If somebody had a kid on the way, they stole six cartons of napkins and left to get a real job. Which sort of makes you wonder when Mickey D’s became such a den of labor injustice and impoverished career workers feeding used wrappers to their seven children to make ends meet. Probably about the same time somebody stood up and pretended they’d just discovered fast food was wildly unhealthy. The truth throws off so many otherwise righteous arguments that it’s much easier just to ignore it.

One of the options on the McDonald’s job applications is actually to not work for McDonald’s. I’d suggest checking that box if you think it’s the Great Satan. Test your children to find the strongest and feed the remaining six children to the winner. It’s crass, but at least your remaining offspring won’t be working the shake station at forty bitching about CEO pay.

Photo credit: Pineapple Express

James Franco Who Gives A Shit

By Matt March 19, 2015 @ 6:34 AM


James Franco did an interview where he was failing to be interesting again and called himself gay a bunch of times in hopes you would notice. I’m still waiting to not care when he makes the official announcement. Until then these not subtle dickish musings will keep me from walking head on into traffic:

“I like to think that I’m gay in my art and straight in my life. Although, I’m also gay in my life up to the point of intercourse, and then you could say I’m straight. So I guess it depends on how you define gay.”

You just did. Your contrived persona is gayer than gay sex. I’d rather blow the Packers than pretentiously toil with the idea. You can stop clearing the history on your browser James. We get it. Everyone I know has stopped listening. Please alert the media.

Photo Credit: Intstagram 

The Interview Contending For Worst

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 8:16 AM


The self-delighted Razzies have shortlisted Seth Rogen and James Franco as Worst Actor and The Interview as Worst Picture of 2014. As much as I love America I’ve yet to see The Interview. My queue is pretty backed up with All in the Family re-runs. There’s no way it’s the worst movie in any year Michael Bay is still making films and casting Mark Wahlberg in them. This seems far more like the Razzies jumping the SEO trending bandwagon on The Interview to get a little traffic.

Maybe this type of annual panning was needed before the Internet and Rotten Tomatoes and thousands of reviewers skewering movies daily in blog posts. There’s little joy to be had in waiting six months to announce you too thought Jaden Smith sucked in the film his dad forced the studios to make. Thanks, but the guy from ILoveMeSome Films.com already beat you to the punch with all the good Jaden Smith jokes. The Razzies can capitalize on the media attention of The Interview, but nobody’s reading their drivel. Here’s your award, bunch of smelly guys in the Howard Johnson. It’s a mop, now get to work. You have to be out by 10:30.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Bow Down To The Probably Non-Existent Terrorists

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 12:20 PM


James Rogen and Seth Franco cancelled all their media appearances for The Interview. I guess it’s all fun and games until you figure maybe Virginia Tech. Or Sony forced their hand because a Dead Franco is a serious insurance payoff. Not to be outdone Landmark Theaters cancelled the NYC premiere of the film, soon followed by other theater chains announcing they would no longer be showing the movie out of safety concerns. Where’s all that These Colors Don’t Run shit when you need it? You just handed a winning ticket voucher to a pudgy virgin ten thousand miles away who I heard is a bad tipper. Or a skinny redhead in Suburban Denver. I have no idea, I’m just making shit up. That’s the whole point. Maybe they don’t exist. North Korea exists but when’s the last time they bombed a movie theater in the U.S.? Grow a pair. Get your spine and your fucking Orange Crush and buy a ticket. We’re America, not Ameri-pussy. I also just made that up. You can steal it.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

James Franco Deals Well With Poor Reviews

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Professional handsome guy James Franco is all in a tizzy over an unfavorable review of his Broadway show. Franco is currently starring in a revival of Of Mice And Men where he plays George to Chris O’Dowd’s Lenny. Pissy New York Times Critic Ben Brantley thought the show sucked donkey balls. He said Franco sounded like Yosemite Sam. But, rather than take criticism like a man, Franco decided to lash out on that favorite tool for teen temper tantrums, Twitter:

“Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarrassed themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason, he’s an idiot.”

I haven’t seen the show. I’m too poor to both afford tickets and pay for my uncontrollable online porn habit. But it is scientifically impossible for this show to not suck. James Franco and Chris O’Dowd doing Steinbeck? I just said that like it means anything. Just picture James Franco being a shitty actor in tons of movies, then pretend he’s trying to do something subtle and poignant, like telling seventeen year old girls to meet him in a hotel room. The dude’s art is not subtle. It’s looking good and having a bawdy laugh at the world as he screws everyone’s daughters. So you’re not a good actor. You still get all the benefits of one. Shut that fucking Twitter account off already and ask AOL to kindly bring back their Teens Only chat rooms where you can conquest with more quiet dignity.

Kelly Ripa Pardons James Franco (VIDEO)

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 1:16 PM

It’s worrisome when the morning talk show bobble heads get confronted with unscripted situations. Like Kelly Ripa and lisping Michael Strahan providing James Franco the forum to cop to encouraging a seventeen year old girl on Instagram to meet him in a hotel room.These teleprompter monkeys off the cuff are more awkward than bringing a honey-baked ham to a kosher pot luck. Based on his deeply furrowed brow, James Franco feels the sting of not being able to hit on teenage girls without the world knowing. Kelly Ripa tells him it’s cool because ‘we’ve all been there’ (we have?), and Michael Strahan tritely says honesty is the best policy as he tries to form a reasonable approximation of an  ‘ssss’ sound through his randomly spaced incisors. It used to be when a 30-something actor banged teen girls, we didn’t talk about it until he fled the country or he was killed when his buddy drove he and his Porsche into a tree at 80 mph. In the very least, you had to give Oprah a full hour of tears just to get regal probation. Now it’s forty-three seconds on Kelly and Michael being told you’re a brave man for plowing Scottish high school girls then admitting you do after you got caught. Times have changed. Get off my fucking lawn.