Jolie won’t be Marilyn, but Mara will be Salander

By brendon August 17, 2010 @ 1:58 PM

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Yesterday everyone in Hollywood was freaking out over the casting of Angelina Jolie as Marilyn Monroe and Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander. Oh I know, right! It was crazy! You can’t make this stuff up!

But today Jolie has announced she will not be starring in the biopic that was to cover the last two years of Monroes life as told from the perspective of her dog (seriously). It’s easy to assume she passed because that idea is clearly retarded, but it’s still 10 times smarter than that Loom of Fate bullshit in “Wanted” so who knows.

Rooney Mara however, is absolutely taking the lead in David Finchers version of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. She beat out Natalie Portman, Ellen Page, and Scarlett Johansson for it, and now she has to at least equal the performance by Noomi Rapace in the popular Swedish versions of these movies. Meaning she has to look at the ground when she talks and pretend to type on a computer. Better keep Portman on deck just in case.

Tuesday morning headlines

By brendon August 17, 2010 @ 12:05 PM

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MICHAEL DOUGLAS – has throat cancer, and is about to start 8 weeks of chemo. And since if he dies, Catherine Zeta Jones will be rich and single, his treatment isn’t gonna go so well if you catch my drift. (the sun)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE – has spoken to his daughter Montana for the first time since she announced she’s going into porn, but it was only to tell her he isn’t speaking to her until she gets out of porn. Luckily for him there are a lot of girls out there named “Montana Fishburne”. I bet most of his friends haven’t even made the connection. (popeater)

JESSICA SIMPSON – says she wishes she had a bigger ass and smaller tits. In other words, unemployed and anonymous. (huff post)

BRITNEY SPEARS – looked great on her way to Westlake studios in LA yesterday, which means today she’ll look like complete hell again. It’s a little game she plays. (x17)

Tila Tequila was topless when she was attacked

By brendon August 17, 2010 @ 9:26 AM

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(note: pictures after the jump, which I have to make a big deal out of because it helps me on google when I write words like “topless”.)

The San Francisco Gate is reporting the attack on Tila Tequila over the weekend was planned in advance among Insane Clown Posse fans in chat rooms and on twitter, saying things like, “I fucking hate you and will teach you not to come back to the gathering.”

And Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse says he knows Tila was warned, because they’re the ones who warned her.

“We told her about the rumor and she didn’t care” … noting that Tila informed the group that she wouldn’t back out of the performance because she’s “not a bitch like that.”
“We paid her before the show and assured her that even if things got out of hand, she could keep the money if she had to leave the stage.”

Well whatever. The dickheads who hit her still deserve a fucking beating. Yeah tough guy, we get it, you don’t like her. What a bold and rebellious opinion. So go attack ICP for inviting her. Tila is 18 inches tall and weighs less than a house cat. Even if she doubled in size overnight I could still carry her around in a backpack. It would look like she was teaching me the Force.

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Mel Gibson crashed his car

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 3:11 PM

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Last night, at 8:35 in Malibu, Mel Gibson lost control of his 2008 Maserati and crashed into the rock wall along Malibu Canyon Road. He wasn’t hurt, he was alone and alcohol was not a factor, but Mel won’t tell police why he crashed. And good for him. It would ruin the surprise.

In their statement, the California Highway Patrol wrote…

“For unknown reasons, Mr. Gibson steered his car to the right and struck the rock hillside.  He stopped his car at the scene and was contacted by officers from the West Valley CHP Area.”

The CHP is not implying Gibson crashed his car deliberately, just that they don’t know what happened. A spokesman told TMZ

“Gibson told officers in the field he did not know how the car drifted out of the lane and into the hillside.”  Officers followed up by asking Gibson if he was on a cell phone and he said no. (They) also asked Gibson if he had dozed off “but he did not give a firm ‘yes’ or ‘no’.” Gibson just repeated several times, “I don’t know how the car left the roadway.”

“I guess that’s what I get for buying one of these dago cars,” Gibson thought to himself. “Maybe it mistook a rock for a cannoli and wanted to steal it. Typical.”

Snookis naked ass is as bad as it sounds

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 12:02 PM

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Are you just sitting there at work because you couldn’t think of a good fake excuse and you’re not sick? I’ve got a better idea. Open these pictures. Snookis naked ass will take care of that.

(image source = splash news online)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 11:53 AM

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NEIL PATRICK HARRIS – and his boyfriend will be having twins, one boy and one girl, via surrogate this October. I hope I’m wrong but the boy better learn how to fight immediately. (twitter, e!)

LINDSAY LOHAN – might be getting out of drug rehab and beginning outpatient care as early as this week, because doctors don’t believe her drug problems are as severe as first thought. They haven’t made a recommendation yet, but when they do the new judge, “will almost certainly go along with it.” It’s a big victory for Lindsay, except for the fact that she’s apparently so naturally stupid and irresponsible everyone just assumed she was a drug addict. (tmz)

HILARY DUFF – got married to NHL star Mike Comrie in Santa Barbara on Saturday, and I dare you to come up with a scenario that sounds more boring than that. (popeater)

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER – because there’s bacon recipes now. (twitter)

JENNY MCCARTHY – hosted the Midsummer Night’s Dream at the Palms in Vegas on Saturday, and her tits and abs looked amazing. Giving dangerous and unqualified medical advice must be good exercise. (wenn)

Cameron Diaz in a bikini

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 8:05 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Cameron Diaz Enjoying Some Fun In The Sun At San Ysid

These bikini pictures of Cameron Diaz, taken this weekend in Santa Barbara, were shot from a million miles away and they’re blurry and out of focus, but this is what she looks like in focus, so blurry is the only way to look at her without shrieking in horror. Maybe if she found a guy with severe cataracts she could keep a boyfriend for once.

(image source = flynet online)

Tila Tequila was “pelted with stones and feces…”

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 3:57 AM

Inviting Tila Tequila to perform at a concert festival headlined by Insane Clown Posse sounds like the kind of thing you would make up as an example to illustrate something that went really badly. “How did your blind date go?” “About as well as Tila Tequila at an Insane Clown Posse concert.”

Needless to say the crowd hated her (second video after the jump) and threw rocks, bottles, fire crackers and shit at her. And by “shit”, I don’t mean “stuff”. The State Journal Register says…

Tila Tequila complained that audience members pelted her with stones and feces during an outdoor music festival in southern Illinois.

And CNN adds…

Tila Tequila suffered facial cuts when she was pelted with rocks and bottles while performing at a music festival in Illinois early Saturday.
“She’s pretty cut up,” said a performer who saw the violence.
(They) said a mob of hundreds chased Tequila from the stage and surrounded the trailer where she sought refuge. They rocked the trailer and smashed its windows.
Tequila eventually escaped, but only after windows in her SUV were smashed.

This sounds like fans overacted and were out of control, but only to people who have never heard a Tila Tequila song.

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