Transformers took their world tour to Moscow last night, and if Megan Fox looked less than happy it might be because I finally made my move on her in London the night before. Of course her bodyguards had to cockblock and drag her away. As I presented my lady with a rose, you can plainly see how upset she is, how she struggles to break free from her captors so she could leave with me and become a slave to her desires. I think it was my striped socks. Little secret: hit the clubs in striped socks and watch the panties start droppin.
The cover story for todays InTouch (full size cover here, better pic on their site here) has another heartwarming Kate Gosselin story, this time with pictures of her smacking around Leah thankfully included. InTouch says…
Around 11 a.m. on June 13, a witness spotted Kate, 34, and the children playing outside of their Reading, Pa., home. When Leah, one of the sextuplets, started blowing a whistle loudly, Kate told her to stop because she was on the phone. But as soon as Leah blew on the whistle again, Kate “seemed to lose her temper” and said, “Did you not hear me?” Then she stormed over to her daughter, grabbed her and hit her. “The girl was screaming and crying,” the witness adds. “Kate just pushed her away and walked off with her coffee. Her older sisters were trying to make Leah feel better.”
That poor little girl. Those kids are cute so this bothers me. I probably wouldn’t care if they were ugly. I was never spanked much as a little kid, but my dad was a Marine Corps fighter pilot, including F8’s in Vietnam. F8’s, if you don’t know, did tons of low level bombings (wiki). Point being, my dad has killed many thousands of people, so when one of histories most prolific killers tells you to mow the lawn, a good idea is to slowly back away and then run to that god damn lawnmower as fast as your little legs will carry you.
I’m in a really weird mood today. It’s like I’m stoned but I’m mostly positive that I’m not. Just brace yourself for me to make even less sense than normal.
LINDSAY LOHAN – has been dumped by Samantha Ronson for a second time after a huge fight over Sams friends. She is also still very much a suspect in the disappearance of $400,000 in jewelry. And it’s only Wednesday. (source = e! online and cnn)
VICTORIA BECKHAM – had her implants removed according to the Daily Mail, taking her from a D to her natural B, and my heart from a :D to a :(
KATIE PRICE – is on vacation in Ibiza. It’s good to see her finally take some time off. That poor woman is gonna have a heart attack at 30 if she keeps working so hard. (hq = here. source = splash news online)
You hear a lot of so-called “facts” in the media about smoking and cancer, or at least you do if you’re not Christina Applegate, who knocked down a few smokes this weekend in Italy. It’s true she had breast cancer last August, but that was a long time ago, and cancer is like chicken pox or lightning attack. It can’t happen twice. She should snap off the filter and enjoy herself. She’s immortal now.
Between the red hair, awesome rack and super hot accent, I can’t tell you how happy it would make me to have sex with Isla Fisher. Which is why these pictures are so uncomfortable. I can’t remember the details, but I know she used to be in a relationship with Bruno. I think they even had a baby. And yesterday she followed him all the way to Paris for the premiere of his movie. But, I mean Jesus woman open your eyes. I’m not sure how much more clear he can make it. It’s over, he’s moved on, and he’s not coming back. No offense but you’re kind of makin an ass out of yourself.
Entourage is completely fucking moronic and always has been, and it’s with no small amount of pride that I can go back three years and point out my saying so. So needless to say this video from College Humor is a welcome sight. I’d rather watch a team of teenage cheerleaders giggling while they point at my penis than 30 seconds of Entourage.
KATIE HOLMES – taped a guest appearance on So You Think You Can Dance yesterday, and yes she will be dancing. In fact a source said: “She is killing it. She looks incredible. Everyone is absolutely floored by how talented she is.” Then the source was asked his name, and he said, “Tom, wait, um, yes, T-Tom … Cru … Crew … Sing … Ton … Berg. Tom Crusingtonberg. Yes, yes that will do.” (source = us)
WILL SMITH – and his wife Jada often sneak off during parties or pull over on the side of the road to have sex. Well big deal so do I. Wait. Oh they probably mean with a partner. Never mind. I’m so lonely! (source – imdb)
MEGAN FOX – was photographed topless on the set of Jennifers Body in May of last year, so I have no idea why the always great Daily News is making a big deal out of that today, but as it turns out I also don’t care. Look, tits! (source = new york daily news)
These pictures of Robert Pattinson, getting mobbed by fans on the streets of NYC on the way to the set of Remember Me, sure do bring back memories. I’ve been in the middle of this same kind of thing. And by that I mean I was one of the ones mobbing him. I was hoping to steal a smooch in all the commotion. More like Robert Hot-inson, am I right!
(11 more pics = here. hq jump = here. image source = splash. I do feel compelled to mention that he seems pretty cool about all this. I doubt Jessica Alba would still be smiling and posing for fan pics if you just dry-humped her down the street. At best I’ve seen 90 seconds of Twilight but he seemed okay. Him, James Marsden, Timothy Olyphant. I could deal with that for the next ten years or so. Actually Olyphant better be a big star because that dude is cool. And a good actor. You could saw Mark Wahlberg in half and he couldn’t even act like he was dying, yet he makes 800m a year while no one even knows how to say Olyphants name. Go fuck yourself, Hollywood.)