By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 12:40 PM
I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.
“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”
The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 11:26 AM
I’ve always been envious of people who’ve known what they wanted to be their entire lives. When I was six I stood up in front of my classroom and told everybody I wanted to be a garbage truck. I had esteem issues the school psychologist told me was brought on by me being a total loser. That seemed unnecessarily harsh. Core Deitz wanted to be a model since as far back as she can remember. That’s truly admirable. The world can go without astronauts or Congressmen or baseball players and we still keep spinning. If we ever lose attractive girls from North Carolina taking their clothes off for cameras in order to feel special, we might as well all jump off.
Photo Credit: Interviu
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 10:19 AM
Nicki Minaj pretends to pleasure Jimmy from DeGrassi in her new Anaconda music video. I don’t have the inclination to dig deep, but I’m guessing Anaconda has something to do with big black cock. At least it does when I search the term on YouPorn nightly. I bet Nicki also ‘casts shade’ in her new song. Casting shade and simulating sex are the hallmarks of modern music. Back in the day, strippers pretended to be sweet girls trying to pay for college or their dying dad’s kidney transplant. Now they’ve got record deals and they brag about who’s tapping their ass. If you’re big on honesty, you’d have to call that social progress.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:24 AM
Technically, since her staff of eleven was involved in the shot, it’s less of a selfie and more of a heavily staged ass sculpture. But if this is any indication of the quality of the photos in Kim Kardashian’s selfies coffee table book, expect men masturbating in the reading areas of the Barnes and Noble to rise significantly. There’s nothing finer than a short woman with an enormously fat injected ass who’s taking a piece of the action in the nation’s hottest selling app for non-gifted girls 12-17.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instgram
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:03 AM
You’ve got to be pretty stoked when your boring husband befriends a wealthy celebrity who shows a strong interest in plowing you. In a Lifetime movie, this would end up in some kind of deadly love triangle. In real life, Simon Cowell bangs a baby in you and you tell your husband you’re leaving for the world of luxury hotels and spas and yachts. It’s like hitting the Scratchers jackpot. You put your existing kid in the care of Jewish nuns in Gstaad and off you go for a whirlwind eighteen month run until you come back to the London brownstone to see a note on the door telling you your stuff is in storage and thank you for vagina service and if you shut the fuck up there’s a decent check coming your way. It could be worse. Most women never get the check.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 8:53 AM
Braless and pregnant and standing in front of a cupcake sign is not what I’d advise anybody as their public relations representative. I guess it beats standing in front of a sign that reads swollen floppy tits. Zoe Saldana is bucking the celebrity trend by having a husband and gestating her own babies. She’s also famous for claiming she will never ever get any plastic surgery. She has to be the most secretly despised woman in Hollywood. If she doesn’t employ at least two full time nannies, she’ll probably be garroted in her sleep by Halle Berry.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt August 19, 2014 @ 8:38 AM
Jim Parrack plays a nerd called Hoyt Fortenberry on True Blood, but he wants you to think he is super gothic in real life because he claims to like drinking real human blood. The odds of somebody on a vampire show actually being a vampire are roughly the same as Ben Affleck jumping off of a tall building in a rubber nipple suit and landing safely on the ground. Parrack gives his supposedly psychotic habit an erotic bent, which happens to be the exact fucking theme of True Blood. Parrack goes out of his way to convince you of his blood drinking the same way you lied about fingering your prom date:
“I just want to be clear… I was being literal… I like the real deal… I like the way it tastes.”
When asked why he enjoys drinking human blood Parrack’s explanation revealed him to be an actor with too much time on his hands, but not enough time to fine tune his attempt at edginess:
“I guess for the same reason some people want alcohol? Or, for the same reason some people want, I don’t know … milk? Or Kool Aid.”
Spinning a lie is tough. When claiming to participate in hard core fringe behavior you should never rationalize it as being normal. No punk rock fan ever says they’re favorite band is like Taylor Swift for people who like Taylor Swift. It really just betrays the fact that you are a boring dude who drinks Kool Aid and freaks out when you have to sleep in the wet spot. Also, nobody is ever going to cast you in a show about bomb defusers.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 6:23 AM
To celebrate the 20th anniversary of the New York City law that allows women to breastfeed any place they fucking choose, a woman in a bright red dress embarrassed the shit out of her other two kids on the subway by suckling her baby on her enormous exposed breast. There were other public nursing supporters with her, but they refrained from nourishing their infants on the subway, because it’s just unnecessarily unsafe and a gross place for anyone to dine. But for twenty years now you’ve had the right to whip your milky tit out in front of the guy scratching his nuts with a broken drumstick. Huzzah! None of the regulars on the train seemed to give a fuck, because nobody except for the occasional extreme busybody ever says boo to a nursing mom. Yet, the myth of the maliciously harassed breastfeeder continues. It just seems like it could be happening. Must have more laws.
Photo Credit: Splash