Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.
Once you’ve heard Rosie Perez’s voice, it will never depart the deepest folds of your gray matter. It will incept itself like a horrible dream that pings feelings of misery for decades to come. You won’t even know her speech impediment is in your mind, you’ll just feel a sharp pain in your knee or the unpleasant sensation of somebody squeezing your nut sac. That’s just from one viewing of White Man Can’t Jump on HBO. I guess it’s easier to forget her face because I don’t remember Rosie Perez looking like a neck-pinched white woman from Scarsdale. Maybe it’s part of the mysterious Puerto Rican aging process. You can read all about it in her new book, Handbook for an Unpredictable Life. Or listen to her book on tape and melt your fucking synapses.
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The three people watching Lindsay Lohan’s Fat Orpah Network reality show collectively gasped in their minimum security prison cafeteria as Lindsay finished up the first and last season of her reality show by telling the camera she had a miscarriage during filming. I’m not sure if she meant right then and there or earlier during filming, though probably the latter as there was enough time for Fat Oprah to tease the shit out of Lindsay’s ‘big secret announcement’. If you’re Fat Oprah, you can do shit like build schools in Africa where kids get abused and exploit Lindsay Lohan’s miscarriage for ratings and nobody can fucking touch you. Personally, I thought that Lindsay was going to announce she was gay or drunk or snorting cocaine off the ball sacs of wealthy Indian scions again, but, nope, miscarriage. Kind of a bummer ending to an otherwise upbeat couple months in the life of a drug troubled former child star with life threatening psychological issues and a family pathology of abuse and addiction. They’re usually much more funny.
I feel bad now for making fun of Kourtney Kardashian, seeing as it is her 35th birthday. That’s a special time in a Kardashian girl’s life when she takes her bastard children and whatever mope she’s letting knock her up and she heads to Mexico to learn of her true birthright, in all it’s hideous demonic glory. As it is written, atop Popocatepetl, Kris Jenner will reveal to each 35-year old daughter the face of her real father on a playing card. She will then shuffle that card around in a three card Monte slight of hand with the faces of two random NFL players she screwed in the 80′s while her husband was at Costco buying her tampons and bagel dogs. If the daughter can pick out her real father’s face, she will win and go on to be rich and miserable and drunk like her mother. If she fails, the volcano will erupt with deadly rivers of magma, killing millions of Mexicans. After the briefest of reflective pauses, mom will remind her daughter that outside of the kitchen staff at Casa Vega, they don’t give a shit about Mexicans. Then they will commence with the ritualistic cackling.
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The White House will not be deporting the world’s tiniest genius Justin Bieber back to Canada. A petition on the White House website received the requisite 100,000 signatures to get an official response from the government. The petition said that the effeminate floppy-haired turd was a danger to the people of the United States with all of his drunk driving and singing shitty music. Since he’s not an American citizen he is technically Canada’s problem. But the White House said,
“Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. To avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition.”
In other words, our online petition to the President website is just a fucking ruse to pretend we care. We’re not actually going to do shit about the sentiment in the street, no matter if it be projectile firing Bieber back to his maple syrup dripping country of origin, or something more serious, like figuring out how to get Michelle to wear less in her fitness videos. All of which points to the need for a little vigilante justice. No, not killing Bieber with silver stakes. I mean, if that happens, it happens. But there’s no reason why a group of dudes on a dare can’t stow the economy sized douche in one of their trunks and drive him northward until they need chains and drop him the fuck off the side of the road with a stern warning never to come back. Three million government workers can’t get done in a year what a roided out dude named Tony can do with six cans of Monster Energy and a full tank of gas.
You get a pass for any music you like in middle school because you’re dumb and confused and trying to fit in and figure out who you’re supposed to fuck in this world. I suppose there are some girls, and some boys who haven’t yet written a moving letter to the dad they thought would never accept their love of glitter, who think Lea Michele is the bomb. They probably don’t know or don’t care how the mere sound of Lea’s un-modulated whine drove Dead Cory Monteith to any early grave. That her re-purposed junk tunes are now being sold as an expression of her emotional fortitude in the face of her lost love. They probably don’t even give a shit that Lea’s nipples look like the misshapen Hershey’s kiss that gets through the QA process down in Mexico, Pennsylvania. They just want to wrap themselves in her hair extensions and cry for their togetherness vaginas. I get it. I teared up when the Macho Man died. I can no longer judge.
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Tila Tequila is knocked up with not one but two little womb trolls. The Hitler apologizing bisexual porn star with occasionally flipping on suicidal tendencies announced the startling news on Good Friday, because her having a baby is the reason Jesus died for our sins. No word on who not so immaculately conceived inside of her vagina which more people could pick out of a lineup than Vice President Biden Perhaps he is a ten foot tall reptilian shapeshifter working for the Illuminati or maybe he’s a Neo-Nazi with a fetish for plastic women. Or it was just some random guy she fucked behind the Arby’s by the mall because though she leans lady, sometimes she likes the smell of thinly sliced mostly beef product . She might also be lying. I’m pretty sure she lied about being pregnant with some dead rich woman’s baby before, which only makes sense in her world. She’s been out of the news since her latest sex tape hit the Internet. So, of course the next logical step is to announce a pregnancy. Jumping out of a window for attention gets old after a while.
When you think about all the things Kanye has given this world, from his three good songs, to his giant pictures of things, and some wicked bad-ass sneakers, it’s hard to imagine he has anything left to give. But like Jesus himself who rose from a tormented death, Kanye is now unleashing his disciples upon the world. Starting with this teen chick from Guam he may or may not be allowing to go down on his Yeezus meat while Kim spends an hour on the bidet because she can no longer reach her crap hole with paper. There’s an art to making a teenager look like a 40-something Panamanian Canal whore and Kanye seems to have nailed it. He often sketches as he plows his baby mama from behind and imagines whatever it takes to keep his little Kanye engorged. Pia took shots of herself during her concert at Universal City so she could stick it to all the people back in her island nation that said she’d be nothing more than a cliche teeny bopper Brittany rip off that they were right, but fuck you anyhow. You’d have to sew a lot of toiletry bags back in Guam to make $1500 in one night.
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