James Harden Pay To Play

By Matt May 20, 2015 @ 7:13 AM

MMMM

According to dubious sources, bearded goon James Harden of the Houston Rockets paid this stripper $100,000 to go on a date with him. Whether true or not he definitely got her front row seats to Game 7 and she requires bench seating and at least five soft pretzels so that’s a healthy investment. Her name is Maliah Michel and she has many hobbies which include taking selfies with her phone pointed downwards in order to distort her body so that her ass appears blown out and her legs are the size of turkey drumsticks.

Normally I’d say a professional athlete wouldn’t have to resort to paying six figures to fuck a Houston area stripper with what appears to be a thyroid condition but we’re talking about a guy who can put on a two thousand dollar suit and still scare the shit out of the valet. If James Harden is generously worth $100 million then he is paying 1/1000th of his net worth to splurge all over her. So at first glance, if you had a thousand dollars in the bank she’s a can of Barq’s, although when factoring in taxes, agency fees, and a preternatural attachment to shiny things you’re looking at more of a used moped. Step up your game. You can get the clap for free at most newspaper stands. Find a nice girl. They’ll probably let you into the high schools.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tichelman Gets A Half Dozen

By Matt May 20, 2015 @ 6:28 AM

TICH

The Canadian dominatrix prostitute charged with killing Google executive Forrest Hayes has been sentenced to six years in prison for Involuntary Manslaughter. Surveillance video caught Alix Tichelman injecting Hayes with heroin on his yacht and throwing back some wine as he has a bad reaction and powered off forevermore. Unlike most drug dealing hookers who would perform CPR, call the authorities, and cry out for help from sleeping neighbors, Tichelman showed a reckless disregard for the well being of her john. Prior to this episode, Tichelman’s boyfriend had died from a heroin overdose and her previous boyfriend is doing time for injecting someone with heroin which also led to their death. At some point you do need to blame the Taliban for spreading the cheap shit on the market.

Tichelman has co-opted the Batman villain cornball habit of expressing hers confessions in bad poetry, which she often posted to Facebook. This one came after a break up:

“Sick of all the lies and all the pain you have given me, wrapped up in a bow like I thought I was supposed to be, But now you’re laying in a box, waiting to suffocate, Saving your last breath as you scratch at your coffin case. I know I’m crazy, but vengeance is mine.”

Tichelman has already served three years of her sentence, meaning she’ll be out and picking up a six pack of hypodermics by Thanksgiving. She’s 28 years old and has plenty of Manson style self-indulgent killings coupled with shitty soliloquies left in her. It took us fifty years to catch Robert Durst and he couldn’t satisfy your cutter fetish. Where’s the nearest Sportsbook? I’m taking over.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Carmen Electra See Through At Vienna Ball

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 12:38 PM

Carmen Electra See Through At Life Ball
The AIDS parties really are the best. I don’t mean those popup street fairs where HIV positive rogues gang rape a newbie into the club. Those are amusing but with a tinge of regret. I mean the big dress up events where rich people slap down thousands for a ticket to see famous people flash their tits in a room full of men that couldn’t give a shit. There has to be a place in this world where Carmen Electra can go and still get applause. It’s The AIDS galas and battle carriers at sea. At only one of those venues can she return the dress for a full refund.

Photo Credit: Getty

J-Lo Can’t Sit Through Mariah And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise.

See the incriminating photo. (TMZ)

Holly Graves will capture your hearts with some amazing sideboob and thong shots. (Egotastic)

Tamara Ecclestone unleashes her nips on the beach. (Drunken Stepfather)

Watch the Joker smack down Harley Quinn in this leaked Suicide Squad footage. (Huffington Post)

Let’s pretend it’s the 90′s and check out Kate Beckinsale’s ass. (Popoholic)

Hot girls tugging on their clothes to reveal what’s underneath. (The Chive)

Emma Stone grew up to be highly bangable. (COED)

Lindsay Lohan Freezes (VIDEO)

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:46 AM

Lindsay Lohan took time from her lazy sprint to complete her community service hours to hit the cryogenic tanks in New York. Cryogenic therapy involves shoving rich white people into a -180 degree tube until their bodies start releasing endorphins in an attempt to finally feel happy before death. It’s unclear what Lindsay thought happens in these liquid nitrogen chilled chambers, but she came out three minutes later asking if humans were living on the moon yet and if they were, did they also have Adderall. Lindsay prepped for her therapy by submersing herself in an ice bath to get a feel of the sensation. She discovered cold. Also she suddenly remembered where she left the car she rolled in 2005 and the name of the guy still trapped inside. The therapy doesn’t hold long and within an hour she was eating a french dip and setting up orange traffic cones randomly in the street ordering her assistant to run a timer on her and report the hours.

Photo Credit: Instagram

2015 Billboard Music Awards Had to Happen

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:02 AM

2015 Billboard Music Awards  Mariah Carey
Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he’d make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched the Billboard music awards. Kanye was booed by the upper deck and his mom in heaven because he refused to splurge on the platinum lipo package. Mariah Carey was so tightly cinched her head threatened to go Scanners. At one point the assistant who holds the lint roller came up and wiped up visible smudges on her gown which turned out to be hemoglobin osmosed through her flesh. The Devil’s cut. Nothing fell. Where do I got to get my five minutes of fast forward back?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Charlie Riina Topless In Leather

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 10:29 AM

Charlie Riina Topless Open Jacket Photoshoot In Los Angeles
Soak them up now. At some point the FCC is going to ban this chick’s nipples. It’ll start with Canadian girls being denied tit shows on U.S. traversed broadband lines then eventually the Dakotas and the rest of the lower forty-eight. Net censorship will spread like The AIDS through the land, though not so much cock to ass as by way of tribunal fiat. We’ll be told it has to do with guaranteed access to CNN online and it will end with everybody missing the fine print about women’s bodies being verboten. All of this has happened before and will happen again. That’s why I keep thumb drives sewn into the scalps of peasant children in Malawi. The cloud is for weak planners. Scalp rent in Malawi is probably less than you think.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Gwyneth Paltrow All Good

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 9:46 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Wears Bikini Bottoms Womens Health
Gwyneth Paltrow has been declared a guru of health despite having pretty much of all her tonics and colonics and health regimens debunked by science as pure enrichment programs. She’s Dr. Oz if you wanted to hate fuck Dr. Oz. For those of you who do, you’ll really super get that analogy. I heard two women talking the other day about how even though much of Paltrow’s product line and advice is crap, some of it is still good and worth investing in. Which goes a long way toward explaining why men will still rule this planet until long after we’re all dead. Paltrow allowed herself to be Photoshopped and pasted into Women’s Health magazine so she could focus her attention anywhere but how her ex-husband is plowing Jennifer Lawrence while she farts from her meat diet. That’s not the peace sign, that’s the middle finger plus one.

Photo Credit: Women’s Health