By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
I guess when you’re 28, you’re a couple standard deviations outside the target range for a classic R. Kelly wet rape. That or looking like Lady Gaga seems to give you a free pass for steamy sexualized videos with Kelly without fear of him whipping out the video camera and urging you not to tell your mom anything if you still want that gold bracelet. At some point, you might think women would stop agreeing to be party to these kinds of photos with a guy who likes underaged girls with the full passion of his being, but, fat paychecks do help those annoying moral equivocations solve themselves but quickly.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 4:10 PM
You may recall Carmen Ortega as the model who tried to get somebody famous in professional sports to knock her up before she gets old and unwanted. That narrows the list of part-time models in Miami down. She’s also the girl who got to know the true Justin Bieber by having a heart to heart talk with him in the backroom of a strip club in Florida. Jesus does find you in the silliest places. Arriving quickly at Plan C, Carmen is starting to take off more clothes in magazines like Alwayz Therro. You can go ahead and mock the magazine name yourself. You can’t knock Carmen’s thoughtful strategizing. Maybe LeBron won’t be calling back and you can bet Justin Bieber won’t remember your tits from the others he’s sucked on with his buddies, but pictures of yourself taking your clothes off is like pepper to medieval Europe or drug and disease free hummers at a David Geffen beach party, it’s currency.
Photo Credit: Always Therro Magazine
By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 3:19 PM
I’m not sure why this Taylor Momsen chick keeps painting arrows on her tits but I’m going to go ahead and just guess that her music is awful. It took me a while to figure out why Miley Cyrus kept flashing her skank and why Rihanna will bust out her nipples for a rusty nickel. Aretha Franklin never needed to show your her cooch to sell a ticket, but if she threatened, you’d probably buy out a section. If anything in here suggests I’m not in favor of good looking women with limited talent showing off their tits to be popular, then you’ve misread me.
Photo Credit: Yosaku Magazine
By Jack March 05, 2014 @ 2:30 PM
The judge in Justin Bieber’s Florida DUI case will allow police surveillance video of Bieber in jail to be released with one catch: his dong has to be blacked out. You’ll recall that the lesbian hobbit was arrested a while back for drag racing and driving while fucked up on anxiety meds and weed. The footage in question is of the fun times had inside the jail the night of the arrest. The objectionable part of the video occurs when Bieber has to take a piss test to assess what shit he was on. His lawyers said that to release the tapes unedited was a violation of the miniature weasel’s privacy. Florida is big into freedom of information so the tapes must be released if requested. The compromise was to edit in a black bar around his junk. While this may ignite the fury of millions of chubby pederastic moms with visions of cougar-cubbing this petite diva, I’d like to thank the makers of cloaking black bars everywhere for once again saving the rest of us from having to see unwanted man junk, even of the smallish variety.
By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 1:47 PM
Pam Anderson has made the classic mistake of thinking that people will love her even more if she eliminates the few things people love about her. Or, maybe she’s just decided to start loving herself, which is great. This would explain why she’s remarried Rick Salomon, the steadily unemployed Paris Hilton banging filmmaker she previously married in Vegas for about an hour. He’s a catch. She also shorn her hair to model Mia Farrow and Anne Heche during their particularly crazy years. It’s all coming together in one giant I’m-finally-starting-to-love-myself cuckoo’s nest for Pam. She’s even wearing underwear now to let you know she listened to her mom’s advice about having a clean pair because you never know when you’ll be hit by the bus dispatched to take you to the asylum.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Jack March 05, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Fast food chain Arby’s bought Pharrell’s stupid Grammy’s hat for $44,000. The makers of the big beef and cheddar forked over the cash in a Ebay auction for charity. When Pharrell first wore the hat during the Grammy’s, Arby’s joked that they wanted their hat back because it kinda sorta not really looks like their logo. The hat was “designed” by famous fashion designer and crypt keeper look-a-like Vivienne Westwood. And by design I mean she took Smokey the Bear’s hat, took a shit in it, emptied the shit, and then put it on Pharrell’s head. Arby’s Tweeted:
“@Pharrell You’re welcome. We’re HAPPY to support a great cause & get our hat back. Good luck at the #Oscars tonight! “
It’s unclear what Arby’s is going to do with the ugly hat. Perhaps they will display it in their restaurants so that the slack jawed yokels and morbidly obese people who frequent the restaurant can catch a whiff of music stardom. Or the CEO will just wear it around the house and scare the cat.
By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 1:30 PM
There are a million ways to get yourself a baby in Hollywood. You can barter beads for cute African kids in Mali, make your way to China and pretend to be not-gay and adopt a kid from the struggling Western provinces, buy yourself a young surrogate off ModelMayhem and slap your eggs into her uterus so she gets the stretch marks. Fuck, who’s going to stop a rich woman from swooping down with a Super Scooper and vacuuming up some Peruvian mountain infants being bathed along the shores of Titicaca. Nobody. Like the approximation of the number of great looking women in this town who go and have a baby in the prime of their career. Scarlett Johansson felt the need to feel a child growing inside of her belly. She and her French boyfriend went and made one. I get why Frenchie wanted to score a seminal victory in the womb of this amazing looking half-Jewish chick, but why did Scarlett decide to go ahead and fuck up the next Avengers? She’s a quitter. This entire career vs. starting family debate is for the 99% of women who don’t look like Scarlett Johansson. Jordan didn’t waver between basketball and working the tie counter at Macy’s so he could be home at night with his family. Try six NBA titles and whores in every city. That’s his birthright. Scarlett was born to give full and lasting erections to millions of men. A gift she has now forsaken. Selfish.
By Travis March 05, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
They say you can tell a lot about a movie based on the type of people who show up to the premiere, and if that is indeed the case, then 300: Rise of an Empire is the Celebrity Rehab of movies in 2014. Among the many other people that you’ve probably never heard of, Tito Ortiz and his wife Kristin graced the red carpet, as did Gene Simmons and his son Nick. If only someone there had possessed the vision to tell Tito that Nick and Gene grabbed his wife’s ass, we could have actually received a little entertainment from this movie that was basically only made so a million former frat boys could bust out their Halloween costumes from 2006 one more time. Fortunately, Lena Headey and Eva Green were also there, so it wasn’t a complete dumpster fire.
Photo Credits: FayesVision/ Brian To/WENN.com