By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
You only have to watch a few episodes of Law and Order SVU to realize it’s illegal to bring convicted sex offenders around children. Mama June must have missed this while stuffing her gob with bon bons and farming her kids out to TLC. A representative from Georgia’s Division of Family and Child Services is apparently not alone in occasionally browsing the internet and being confronted with a crime in progress:
“Generally speaking, when we receive a report that children are living around a sex offender … it would certainly rise to the level of concern of us looking into it… If we thought a child was in harm’s way in any way, shape or form, we would develop a safety plan and make sure the children are not around an offender.”
Better load up that Ford Taurus and grab a clipboard because this seems like an easy case to crack. Wouldn’t it be easier to remove the sex offender from the home rather than the children? Granted, if the child molester loves basic cable and the pantry snacks, he might be hard to move, but it seems like the relocation burden should be on the guy who diddles kids and his morbidly obese enabling girlfriend. Move those two evil clowns out and let people returning from West Africa on Ebola quarantine live in the house and care for the kids. Ebola can be cured. Being fingered by your mom’s boyfriend not so much.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Tom Hanks recently befriended a New York cab driver named Ferrarri and invited him backstage to a Broadway performance because Tom Hanks is super fucking nice. The driver picked up Hanks, struck up a conversation with him, and apparently succeeded in not completely creeping him out with his heavily accented talk of buried dead whores. Over the next few weeks Ferrarii picked up various people who know Hanks and exchanged numbers with a few of them. One of these people, my guess is Hanks public relations manager, randomly texted Ferrarri and asked if he wanted to attend the show. Hanks was happy to host the driver and his wife, and the two no doubt will enjoy a budding friendship for years to come whenever Hanks is hammered on good scotch and needs a ride somewhere.
All you young Hollywood types out there take note. Hanks is cooler and more successful than you’ll ever be and is super fucking much nicer than you. You don’t have to be a selfish infantile prick to make it in Hollywood. Naturally, it helps, but after Hanks goes, the gods will need a new exception to the rule. Take a chance at being nice to random foreigners. It might just be you.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 2:12 PM
After an exhaustive number of attempts, the omnicidal maniacs at this sham bottled water company have finally stumbled upon precisely the winning formula for simple mastery of the human race. Tits. I don’t even know who this chick is and I want to do whatever the hell she asks. From watering her house plants to disappearing that bitch at work who keeps stealing her erasers, I’m down. Don’t think I’d stop short of going Taylor on the nuclear bomb ignition switch if she told me fission made her horny.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
When it’s time to dial up Americana for your big Chinese golf tournament, your party invite plan immediately moves to Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, and Kenny G. That’s God, Captain America, and a fey alto sax player to make the lingering Communist propagandists happy in their mockery of the U.S. You also invite Jessica Alba because half a billion dudes in China want to bang her too. I can’t imagine how much cash it took to bring these celebrities in formal wear to a golf course in Shenzen, but if you didn’t pay the extra two mill to see Jessica flash her tits at the 19th hole bar, you wasted all the rest.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 12:18 PM
Mindy Kaling was mistaken by an old drunk guy at a swank party for that 17-year old Pakistani girl who just won the Nobel Peace Prize for being shot in the head by the Taliban. You can only imagine the sickening feeling when some staggering geezer tells you you’re his hero and an amazing young woman and he prays for you. I’ve only been mistaken for somebody semi-famous once in my life. A drunk woman in a bar thought I was a relatively popular rising politician who she slurred was her hero. That case of superficial profiling and bathroom blow job that followed still sting me to this day.
People who make a living off racism had to point out the evil inherent in mistaking quite different looking women of subcontinental color. The kind of impassioned articles nobody writes when Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney get mistakenly interchanged for the eleven thousandth time. It’s not actually racist to confuse two people of similar race. There’s plenty of scientific research that shows people have more trouble distinguishing facial characteristics among individuals of differing races than their own. This is why NBA players simply referred to every white guy on their team as Larry Bird for two decades.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Jack October 28, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Rather than importing Ebola and bauxite, we should think about stepping up the number of foreign girls who crawl on all fours on the beaches of this great country. Ebola, kills. Bauxite, no clue what that is. Hot girls in bikinis with their ass in the air? We have to agree that’s good for America.
Claudia Romani has an ass made for bikinis and gentle vibrations (Egotastic)
Read all about how Ray Rice thinks he’s better than you. (TMZ)
Taylor Swift knows as much about New York as a fucking Kalahari bushman. (HuffPo)
Wanna see Hilary Duff’s titty surgery scar? Yeah, you do. (Drunken Stepfather)
Ana Braga’s tits affect the tides they are so big. (Hollywood Tuna)
Vanessa Hudgen’s cleavage makes my dick sing “High School Musical” songs. (Popoholic)
That guy your girlfriend diddles herself to will probably play Doctor Strange. (The Superficial)
Julia Roberts wants you to know she achieved her horsey face without surgery. (Dlisted)
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 11:19 AM
I can’t help but feel Svedka Vodka selected the economy package for their Halloween holiday advertising campaign. Carmen Electra homaging Katy Perry in somebody’s kitchen means Svedka isn’t serious about switching me from Ketel One when choosing vodkas to get high on while answering the door for Chinese plastic smelling Clone Wars troopers on the 31st. Cupcake bras and knobby knees aren’t sexy, they just make me want to pound cheap…. wait a minute. Brilliant.
Photo Credit: Michael Simon
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 10:53 AM
When nobody wants to see your tits anymore, you’ve got two choices. Breastfeeding selfies or commissioning a street artist to paint you as a naked Marilyn Monroe. Lindsay Lohan’s probation terms don’t allow her to handle infants, so she paid a dude in London to paint her tits. The great families of Europe have been sitting for portraits for generations. The less great families have been paying street artists and latex sex toy manufacturers to model their genitals for a while now too.
I love Lindsay, she is beautiful. She has had such hard times, but comes back even more beautiful. I loved painting her. — Pegasus, street artist commissioned by Lindsay.
Looks like some street artist just got a fat check. Lindsay fancies herself as Marilyn as both women famously abused alcohol and prescription drugs and slept with more people than they could possibly remember. Next stop, Elton John’s house to down pay on a Candle in the Wind requiem. You can’t take the chance the Pinball Wizard might forget you when you’re gone.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Splash