Andy Cohen Will Be So Brave For Lindsay Lohan

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a troubled soul “recovering” from her addictions to drugs and alcohol or whatever, Bravo’s Andy Cohen has vowed that when he has her as a guest on Watch What Happens Live tomorrow night, he will be her “sober buddy” for one whole show. Lindsay is appearing on the show, I assume, to promote her docu-bullshit series on Oprah Winfrey’s network, because there’s absolutely nothing else for her to talk about, so Andy is forgoing his normal tradition of enjoying some cocktails with his guests to make the show even more boring, predictable and formulaic than it already is. Then, when the show is over, Lindsay can go back to pretending that she’s clean and sober, while Andy can sit on his front doorstep and wait for all of the trophies that he’s earned to be delivered. He’s the true hero, America.

Photo Credit: Getty

I Slept Through Tax Day Again

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 11:27 AM

April 15th isn’t really the day you pay taxes. It’s the day you have to submit those forms to the government to show that the money you had taken out of your paycheck the previous year is about what you owe. Some idiots get super excited when they get a refund, because, congratulations, you overpaid throughout the year. You’re a winner. Some people have to pay a little more. But for the most part, it’s just a symbolic holiday for Libertarians to eat pie in the back of Denny’s and bitch about taxes, and, naturally, why we can’t openly carry guns into legal brothels while smoking weed. The Old West was pretty awesome, minus the typhus. When people are polled, most say they pay too much in taxes. But that same majority also say they want the government to buy lots of things that cost lots of money. When prompted for who should pay more to cover the tip, they usually say somebody not named themselves. This mostly just proves that people are whiny selfish bitches. Which isn’t necessarily such a bad thing. According to Adam Smith, it’s a great thing. At some point we’ll probably have to reckon our incalculable debt. Or not. Every time somebody says we can’t leave that immense burden to our kids and grandkids, I think to myself, why the fuck not? We gave them a world where they don’t have to buy the shitty songs on albums and you can instantly access millions of pornographic films right to your fapping hand. Time to pay it forward, you spoiled shits. America, fuck yeah!

Catherine Zeta-Jones And Michael Douglas Don’t Look Very Separated

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Steven Soderbergh’s new play The Library opened in New York City last night, and it was such an important and magical evening that it even managed to bring Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones back together. This miracle of modern love reminded us that the couple had announced its separation almost eight months ago, and it helped show us all that nothing is ever bad enough to make two married actors, 25-years apart in age, simply call it quits after all this time. When it comes to why they decided to give it another shot, I have two theories. First, they realized the impact that a divorce could have on their young children, and no difference is big enough to get in the way of providing a happy and healthy family. Second, they realized nobody gave much of a shit that they split up in the first place, so just like the general apathy surrounding their first announcement, here they are trying to get a little attention again. I really can’t put my finger on which one it is, though.

Photo Credits: Getty

CNN’s Boston Marathon Coverage Needs Work (VIDEO)

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the day that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his dead dipshit brother decided to set off a bomb at the finish line of the Boston Marathon and create their legacies as two of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. The city held a massive tribute to the victims yesterday, including a moment of silence, but it turns out that news people don’t have to take part in any of that, because they can just run their mouths all they want and not have to worry about what people think. A live CNN feed caught a cameraman talking about how he couldn’t get through the crowd, and he cursed in the middle of some otherwise silent footage of the tribute, because sometimes a guy just has to ramble about shit no one cares about. While some people are pissed off about it, most of Boston responded, “Who fucking cares about that fucking fuck?”

Coco Austin Still Seems Like A Great Person

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Other than just being Ice T’s wife and having a huge ass and matching breasts, I don’t really know what Coco Austin does for a living. She could be the world’s smartest scientist and currently have in her possession a single mega-cure that will rid the world of AIDS, cancer and Kardashians, but we wouldn’t know it, because every story that is written about her always comes back to that amazingly gigantic ass of hers. But whatever Coco does, she’ll always be a friend to her fans, first and foremost, because when people ask her to give them photos of her ridiculously curvy body squeezed into tight fitting dresses, she’s always quick to post them on Twitter or Instagram like she did yesterday. I couldn’t be more thankful either, because she just reminded me that I have to pick up a honey-baked ham for Easter.

Natalie Dormer Camel Toe Is a Spiffy Trick

By Lex April 15, 2014 @ 3:54 PM

Natalie Dormer Camel Toe In Tights At The 2014 Virgin London Marathon
When you’ve awkwardly shaved your head and you’re wearing no makeup for cancer and you’ve got to run a full marathon for charity in front of a ton of cameras, hell, I’d show off my vagina too if I had one. I’d wear it as the family crest on my banner, proud deep sweaty lips to let the public know, hey, look down here, buddy. I’m not just a face that you remember looking so much better on TV. British people are super smart. If we all acted more British, there’d be less obvious swearing.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Emily Didonato In A See Through Top

By Lex April 15, 2014 @ 3:35 PM

Emily Didonato In A See Through Top For A Photo Shoot In Miami
I really like this Italian girl from New York. I admire her sense of fashion. Who knew Florida State defensive back wear from the 80′s would make a return. Emily reminds me of a girl I used to date though my girl was a stone or three larger and had a beard problem that no laser technology at the time could properly mitigate. I had to break it off after a series of night terrors that I was being blown by Harry Knowles. Love is fickle like that.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Pamela Anderson Regrets Being Naked

By Lex April 15, 2014 @ 3:25 PM

Pamela Anderson Shows Lasered Tattoo Out With Her Son In Las Vegas
With age comes wisdom. Though depending on your IQ starting point, you easily could just be an older stupid person. Pamela Anderson has a few regrets looking back on her long career of showing off her tits. Amazingly, she didn’t mention the drugs or drinking or disease or sex tape or failed marriages or drowned kid in her pool. She didn’t even have the wherewithal to note her crappy new haircut. Her big regret is posing nude in Playboy. Which confirms for me what I’ve always believed — women who say they’re biggest regret is posing in Playboy have so many fucked up issues worse than ever posing in Playboy they should get a kick in the kidney with a boot for even saying it aloud. Pamela says that her Playboy photos caused her two boys to be pestered and bullied in school growing up. I’m guessing you do get some ribbing when your chums have all masturbated to your moms nude photos. Though probably not as much as when you’re mom shows up snockered to school functions with her tits falling out of her top and Tommy Lee’s feelgood caking on her face. It’s odd how people choose their biggest regret. My mom once told me she regretted not being pro-choice when younger. I like to think she had remorse for being so old-fashioned in her political views, but I know that’s not what she meant.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI