Floyd Mayweather Ruins Reality TV (VIDEO)

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

I guess boxing was already ruined when everybody in the U.S. over 120 pounds decided they were no longer going to train in the sweet science. If it had not already been doomed, Floyd Mayweather would’ve figured out a way to ruin it. Mayweather is the anti-Christ of the sport. He’s enticing when you see him in action, but you wouldn’t want to handshake him on any deals after hours. Bieber’s little peen might have been there just before you.

In his latest round of ignoramus, Mayweather went before the Nevada Athletic Commission to assure them that all the bad and deviant and illicit shit they see on his Showtime All-Access reality show is completely staged, right down to the fake marijuana his ho’s are lighting up. Mayweather says the  weed smoking is designed to be controversial and ‘outside the box’ type entertainment because it’s 1987 and stuff like that is super fresh.

The show itself exists only to gin up interest in Mayweather’s mediocre bouts upcoming on Showtime pay-per-view. The Athletic Commission seemed to readily accept Mayweather’s explanation because everybody who doesn’t cheat on their diet with cheesecake nibs collectively understands that reality television is entirely fake. Also, even if Mayweather is doing all kinds of unlicensed and unwise shit, he’s one of the few big moneymakers in the sport and he has a free pass on killing up to seven Vegas prostitutes in his hotel room. You don’t axe the golden goose just because it’s a monster pain in the ass. Maybe you beat it just a little to hear it squawk.

Bria Murphy Is a Good Celebrity Daughter

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 1:53 PM

Bria Murphy Wears Short Gym Shorts While Getting Her Nails Done In Beverly Hills
Don’t get arrested, don’t get fat, and tell everybody at parties that you’re going to be a model or start your own clothing line or something pro forma nobody ever asks a followup about. That’s really all you need to do as a celebrity daughter. For that you get a sweet allowance, a cool condo, a nice car, and you get to fuck pretty much whoever you want. I’d make that deal.

I don’t know why so many of these silver spoon born make it so complicated. Bria Murphy’s celebrity parents are divorced, they’re involved in their own new flings, dad’s dating a white chick not much older than Bria herself. Fuck, she has all the reasons of any celebrity kid to be a major pain in the Paxil ass. But look at that smiling punim. She gets it. The alternatives are all much much harder.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kim Gets Tackled And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 25, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

A Ukrainian douche named Vitalii Sediuk who likes to fuck with celebrities tackled Kim Kardashian at Paris fashion week. This is the same dude that tried to kiss Brad Pitt and Will Smith and got punched in the face. Kim tried to turn it into her own JFK grassy knoll moment because her response to everything is to juice her publicity.

See Kim’s harrowing journey to the ground. (Huffington Post)

This is South African model Derryn Lester and these are her naked tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chelsea Heath is topless, unfortunately covered topless, but still. (Hollywood Tuna)

Bear Grylls proposed with a ring he had up his ass. Smells like love. (The Superficial)

Lindsay Lohan’s Broadway debut went as well as you’d expect. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney smashes a kid’s head in her tits on Tosh.0. Lucky fuck. (COED)

Shiny stormtrooper helmet gets leaked from Star Wars set. (Movie Pilot)

New York Mayor Killed the Beaver (VIDEO)

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Nobody should ever be cursed with the free time to follow the insipid ceremonial antics of politicians. That means you’ve got time to watch The View and count calories and knit shit for your small BBW sister who found a foreigner to knock her up. Last February New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped Chuck, the groundhog from the Staten Island zoo, during one of those inane Groundhog’s Day day events. I can’t blame the rodent for not wanting to be part of some tired tradition of lifting its ass out of a fake stump each February 2nd and declaring the city will fuck up snow removal for six more weeks. Unbeknownst to the world at large and wide-eyed innocent children, this groundhog died a week later from ‘internal injuries’. Zoo officials immediately did what all government employees do when something goes wrong, they initiated an ill-conceived coverup. Excuses were invented, secret oaths were taken, and a small number of loose lipped zoo keepers were taken out to a landfill in Jersey to go visit Chuck in groundhog heaven.

When the New York Post informed the Mayor’s office this week of the groundhog’s death, the staff responded by saying they were never told the groundhog died, they’re very sorry it happened but, c’mon, it’s just a fucking rodent, and, yes, once again, we acknowledge that the Mayor’s wife is a lesbian. That last part has just become de facto. No harm no foul I guess, unless you’re the unfortunate zoo animal who bled out slowly and painfully to death because of some annual political stunt. I only wish we had a radical animal rights protection group to get naked and throw blood on the mayor or something. C’mon, Pam Anderson. It’s righteous titties time.

Jordan Carver Celebrity Boxer

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 12:18 PM

Jordan Carver Shows Her Curves In The Boxing Ring In LA
If the Germans are coming back at us with big breasted boxing girls, we’re pretty much fucked. They should’ve thought of this the last few times they went searching for a seaport. What no historically repetitive aggressor ever considers is that women with immense chests are truly the finest fighting force on this planet. ISIS won’t even let their chicks show off their toes without cleaving of their heads. Blind male rampage is great if you want to secure some mass of barren land in the middle of God’s litter box, but if you’re truly intent on building an empire on earth, you need an army of big titted women who can bench their own body weight.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Selena Gomez Moving In With Her Boyfriend

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 10:58 AM

Selena Gomez Shows Off Some Cleavage On Her Instagram
According to over three magazines I leafed through at the checkout stand while watching yet another woman argue for smokes with her EBT card, Selena Gomez is moving in with Justin Bieber. This should put her closer to the action watching her miniature boyfriend sizzurp with his jocular entourage and bang teenage runaways who hate their fathers for good reason. I know nobody listens to their friends when they try to warn them off bad relationships. Still, it must be weird to have your friends and the entire planet’s population imploring you the very same. It’s like the Amityville Horror, except that every single fucking house in the world is telling you to get the fuck out. Outside of some random outliers, everybody eventually gets something close to what they deserve in this life. The misery that will overcome this girl’s face when awareness strikes as she lay beneath this twitchy midget will make Munch’s scream look like a suburban smile. She deserves that.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Casey Batchelor in a Bikini

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 10:34 AM

Casey Batchelor Wears Strapless Bikini On A Yacht In Spain
Who knew what kind of world could open up to you just by taking down your tits a few letter grades. This British reality star, an occupation that we used to just politely call party girl, has seen her life change for the better since she surgically reduced her fake cans. Not so small that rich dudes won’t invite you to party on their yachts, but within chest size geometrics that allow for a strapless bikini. You still probably can’t rotate your still impressive hooters below your center of gravity. You will fucking tip supine. I saw a rather large stripper do that. Watching her try to right herself was simultaneously fascinating and horrible. Like watching a dry land tortoise try to flip back onto all fours. I guess I could have helped, but shame froze most of my voluntary muscles.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kim Kardashian Is the Big Sister You Wish You Had

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 9:51 AM

Kim Kardashian Watches Sister Kendall Jenner On The Runway In Paris
There’s no prouder moment for an attention starved whore than when you get to watch your half-sister by way of your tranny stepdad take her first steps on a runway in Paris. Naturally, you can’t support your familial whoreling without ten hours of hair and makeup and a dress that reminds the wealthy men in the audience they can’t plow their uncircumcised cocks through Kendall’s tiny fashion model titties.

Kris Jenner intentionally built a healthy dose of competition among and between her surgically enhanced offspring. Sort of like the Jack Harbaugh did with his sons in football. You can be friends in the offseason but when the whistle blows in a Niners-Ravens game, you’ll fratricide the shit out of your childhood bunk-bed mate. I’m not saying Kim would shank her younger sister if she ever felt she was a threat. Poison seems more like Kim’s dark calling.

Photo Credit: Splash