This is why you never talk shit about somebody your friend just broke up with, even when baited. Kendall Jenner posted a photo of her middle finger after her sister busted up with her black midget rapper boyfriend last week. Three days later those two are naturally back together because the first breakup never holds. Especially when underaged anal is involved. The rectum still burns for thee. Now Kylie’s forced to apologize to Tyga for her sister and letting some of his posse touch her tits to make the apology real. In general, stay out of the affairs of short people. God gave the hobgoblins guile and volatility to make up for their lack of stature and bad credit. Why can’t we utter the word eugenics out loud anymore?
While Barack is off testing the phrase ‘ragamuffins’ as an endearing euphemism for Islamic terrorists, Michelle Obama is left carrying the water for the administration on making kids cry out for more healthy food choices. With zero evidence her multi-year agenda is working she’s doubled down with her FNV campaign. That’s Fruits and Vegetables if you’re not street. Obama snatched up Jessica Alba and seven or so quarterfinalists from previous American Idols to push the concept that produce is cool.
“If big brands can have the celebrity endorsements, the cool commercials, the logos and the social media reach, then so can fruits and veggies!” — Jessica Alba
Fuck yeah, Jessica Alba. I swear to God I’ll eat an entire celeriac to the nub right now if you lift your top. Or is your heart not really in this?
Obama is encouraging millennials to produce advertisements for fruits and vegetables and post them to social media where super famous chicks you were certain were dead like Jordin Sparks will retweet your work. You could also win a sticker for that thermos full of vegetable soup you bring to school each day for the bullies to beat you over your head.
Michelle Obama’s plan seems destined for failure. Potato chip makers don’t need to convince people their food taste awesome. It just tastes awesome. They advertise so you buy their processed chemical crap instead of their competitors. People thirst for fresh produce about as much as men look forward to being married. It’s something said as a matter of polite cultural routine to get laid. The belief that something unpopular would actually be incredibly popular if only people saw it in the right light is the source of so much pointless waste and suffering. Just ask unattractive people or Bobby Jindal or women’s sports.
Jared Leto was tasked with the obligatory awards ceremony ode to third world suffering felt heavily by wealthy celebrities because of how many foreign speaking nannies and gardeners they employ. Also, many of them are presently fucking Czech models. Leto read a note from a guy whose wife was killed by the terrorists in Paris who refused to hate Muslim extremists who left him a single dad because that would only beget more violence. He then changed his relationship status on Facebook to ‘Yeah, I’m That Guy’ and watched the pussy roll right on in.
Leto reminded the audience that many people are the sons and daughters of immigrants, including Steve Jobs and Barack Obama. Also, the entire rest of the country not named Running Deer. It was a great chance to pan the camera to the sad fat face of anybody in the audience who didn’t look quite white or black and was crying. Leto concluded his teleprompter Gettysburg by introducing Celine Dion, who apologized for having no room at any of her eleven residences to house Syrian refugees, but she heard Iowa is beautiful in the winter and reminds Syrians a lot of their homeland. Help is one of those words better left in the concept stage.
Director Len Wiseman has been seen club hopping with self-described actress CJ Franco on his arm. His wife Kate Beckinsale has been off promoting the next Underworld shit in some Eastern bloc nation where you roll your own smokes. Assuming Wiseman knows paparazzi photos actually get published, it looks like their storybook marriage is over. Wiseman was directing the first Underworld when he ditched his then kindergarten teacher wife for Beckinsale who was about the hottest chick on the planet. It’s risky asking your man to get in touch with his feelings. He’s usually feeling like he wants to keep fucking barren 20-somethings. Maybe take a little break for Buffalo Wild Wings with the fellas. That’s the range. CJ’s going to need the Underworld Spandex suit when you get a chance. I heard her career fortunes just changed. You had a good run.
A girl reaches a point where she turns to see a greasy tattooed midget with his dick in her ass and thinks she can do better. Nobody hates themselves enough to date Tyga. Maybe Blac Chyna. According to TMZ, Kylie Jenner dumped Tyga when she got home from Australia and saw her statutory rapist in a fresh light. Also, her mom showed her the numbers. It just wasn’t working.
It’s unclear what Tyga will do now since everything he has or owns or consumes is paid for by the Kardashian syndicate. Racism makes it very difficult for a young black man with no education, no job skills, menacing tattoos, bad credit, illegitimate kids, and a criminal record for possessing an unlicensed tiger, to find a decent job. I’d recommend a myocardial infarction at a whorehouse in the Nevada desert. Unless you want to start growing tits and murder people on the PCH, that’s the only way back in.
You can’t show a chick’s nipple for your family friendly rating, but you can show her fondling her own tits to cover her nipples. Miley Cyrus can’t have a topless chick in her live shows but she can suck on a gargantuan lady’s pasties covered tits in front of the kids. Can Jared fuck underaged girls so long as they hide their nipples? Will we take in Syrian refugee women who artfully cover their nipples with their Qurans? What the fuck is wrong with nipples. They give nourishment to our children and when not in that particular use make for extremely hot bukkake targets in porn. Weren’t there some women trying to Free the Nipple? Willis girls, you’re losing the battle. More chin please.
I intend to be one of those parents who doesn’t give a shit what they’re kids are up to at any given moment. The odds that they end up being meth addicts or blowing up their schools is relatively low and the benefit of being super fucking lazy is immeasurable. Here’s your vegan granola, are you eighteen yet? You can complain once you get to college, they’ll listen.
I’d bet ninety-percent of parents whose little girls follow Miley Cyrus have no fucking clue what the Miley Cyrus shtick really is. Maybe they see an occasional headline about her dating somebody famous. They probably don’t know she’s stroking giant strapons and sucking on the tits of the freaks she carts around from show to show. This is the kind of performance creepy men used to peek in on for a nickel at the carnival before TV was invented. There’s nothing wrong with Miley Cyrus. She’s 22 and making a boatload of cash from her act. There’s something wrong with you parents. What do you mean my kids were there too? Fuck it, nobody’s going to die from it. Settle down.