Jennifer Aniston’s Withered Womb And Shit Around The Web

By Jack December 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Old crone Jennifer Aniston wants the media to stop pressuring her to shit out a flesh-colored baby turd already. This isn’t like asking the Yankees if they’re going after pitching in the offseason. Aniston’s about to turn 46. She can find sperm. She clearly doesn’t want a kid.

Jen might as well have her vagina removed and get an old lady haircut. (Dlisted)

Boxer Elliott Seymour admits he took a dive in that fight with Mickey Rourke. (TMZ)

I’d still like to make love to Jennifer Lopez’s booty. (Huffington Post)

Luci Ford covered topless? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)

Britney Daniels’ booty in short shorts will make your day. (Hollywood Tuna)

Oooooh, Edita Vilkeviciute wears lingerie and it is very very sexy. (Popoholic)

Sarah Palin porn star look-a-like Lisa Ann retires from fucking on screen for money. (Busted Coverage)

Rihanna Is Your New Puma Global Ambassador

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 11:08 AM

Rihanna Signs As Puma Creative Director And Brand Ambassador
I don’t know who the last Puma Global Ambassador was, but I guess they did a shitty job or got caught skinning a maid in a hotel room as Ambassadors seem to do. The German athletic wear company swiftly announced Rihanna as a replacement. She’s also being named the Creative Director of the Puma Women’s Apparel Line, the face of Puma for Fall 2015, and she will appear on the cover of the next printing of Puma’s We Didn’t Do Shit During World Word II color picture book that sits on their headquarters coffee tables. It’s unclear how Puma’s cross burgh rival Adidas will counter this major celebrity signing, but they’ll probably continue to rely on David Beckham as their outside man with Hitler’s fluid encased brain providing general corporate strategy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Michelle Lewin in A Thong

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 10:12 AM

Michelle Lewin Wears A Thong Bikini While Taking Her Raft To The Pool In Miami
I don’t care how many unattended kids suffocate under the rafts, I’d like to see twenty of these Venezuelan chicks with sub-muscular implants floating around my apartment community pool. It’s perish in Caracas or come and tilt your thong toward the American sun and wait for news that Obama has granted immunity to your six unemployed uncles. Life becomes much simpler when everybody in the world wants to nail you.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kylie Jenner Pregnant By Tyga, I Need to Get Them a Diaper Genie

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 10:01 AM

Kylie Jenner Is More Than Lips
According to hiphophangover.com, a news source about as reliable as Fox or MSNBC, so mostly just made up shit, Kylie Jenner is pregnant by Tyga. Kylie has repeatedly denied she’s dating the older rapper mostly while wryly smiling and burping up his baby sauce. Given the extent of the in utero burial grounds at the Kardashian home in Calabasas, it seems unlikely that Kris Jenner would allow her underaged daughter to carry a baby to term for lack of my body my choice options. Someday, Kylie will suffer the intense boredom of the dumb and bear the family another illegitimate mulatto child. Is that day today? Look to the Southern skies.

Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI

Emily Ratajkowski’s Panda Shit Smells Amazing

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 9:38 AM

Emily Ratajkowski Does Love Magazine Advent Calendar Screencaps
I gained nothing but respect for this chick when I saw her whacking her mons on those hacked photos that in retrospect I’m not admitting to having seen and Camille Cosby and Jerry Sandusky’s wife both believe I didn’t see. In fact, I’ve retained I’m Guilty as Fuck celebrity attorney Marty Singer to compare accusation that I’ve seen every single Fappening hacked photo to accusations that Ryan Seacrest used to blow the ‘N Sync marionettes and pray that they could be real boys. Ergo, ipso facto, it can’t possibly be true.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Wiz Khalifa Made a Sex Tape With This Innocent Lamb

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 8:18 AM

Whiz

Our occasionally prescient editor Lex once noted that the Howe Twins came to the U.S. looking to fuck their way to fame. Bingo. Wiz Khalifa shot a mature audiences video with Carla Howe and according to TMZ, Howe was shopping the results of the on-camera banging to Vivid for six-figures. Howe denied she was the one tried to hawk the spooge fest via Twitter, which is America’s official courtroom for really dumb people. It seems Wiz has no interest in the paying public seeing him bang some desperate white chick with fake tits because he can just look in the mirror next to his bed each night and see for himself. To be fair, after you in theory fuck a dude named Amber you have a few in the chamber. I say, go for it and sell that fucker. Nobody else gives a shit. You don’t stay young and lucky forever.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Cosby’s Wife Seems Like a Gamer

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

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Bill Cosby’s wife talked about her husband’s ten dozen rape allegations without much perspective. Camille, which Bill pronounces in 13 syllables, was asked if it was weird her husband never raped her. Or something like that. Let’s call it a softball:

“I met my husband, Bill Cosby, in 1963, and we were married in 1964. The man I met, and fell in love with, and whom I continue to love, is the man you all knew through his work. He is a kind man, a generous man, a funny man, and a wonderful husband, father and friend. He is the man you thought you knew.”

I’m almost certain Ted Bundy never killed his live-in girlfriend either. It’s known as a red flag and far too obvious. Not sure being married to a guy who rapes would give you a unique perspective on the whole scandal. Particularly when you got no problem with your hubby just banging whores as opposed to sticking it in against their will.

Camille went on to plug a line likely written by the legal team that the Cosby rape allegations were very much like the recent Rolling Stone magazine article about a fraternity gang rape at UVA which had to be retracted for poor vetting. I figured some heinous dipshit rapist was going to use the Rolling Stone bogus rape story as a reasonable doubt defense for their own accusations. I didn’t figure that heinous dipshit racist would be Camille Cosby.

Ink Your Pets Now, There Is Not Later

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Dogs

The State of New York just passed a law making it illegal to tattoo your dog. Once elected officials find themselves completely flummoxed solving any problems that really matter, they eventually get to denouncing animal torture and banning e-cigarettes. You know who votes a lot? Old ladies. They love their fucking pets and their grandkids. The dog tattoo ban becomes law 120 days from now, meaning the people you elected to make six figure salaries are giving you ample time to tattoo your dog legally for four months. I’m not even sure how common of a thing it is. It might never happen. Let’s just say you’re the one guy who does it. The clock is ticking, bro. If you’ve been pondering the Tyson for for your bald friend, the time is now.

Photo Credit: Getty Images