Brandon Lee Experiencing Bella Thorne

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Bella Thorne Is Dating Brandon Lee
The last and final hope for the Thorne stage family of girls is now bumping teen uglies with Brandon Lee. I thought at first the headline referred to Bruce Lee’s son who died twenty-two years ago filming The Crow. That would’ve been an angle. But it’s just Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s kid who just turned eighteen and doesn’t have much to do except golf and party and explore the bushes of this redhead who’s a Dominican baseball prospect aged 17, so about 22. Mom’s flat broke, but Tommy Lee’s worth in the neighborhood of $70 million. If this kid also inherited his dad’s wang, he’ll probably do quite well with the ladies. To be young and rich and pretty. Putting that on the iCal for next life.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan/Instagram

Global Warming Turning Women Into Prostitutes

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:16 AM

Representative-Barbara-Lee

Congresswoman Barbara Lee wants to make sure that women are represented in all global warming related policy because women suffer more from refrigerators destroying the planet than men. Also, she’s failed to do anything on the larger issues affecting her Oakland constituents the past forty years so she needed a win.  Combining women’s rights and global warming just felt like political gold.

According to Lee’s House resolution, climate change causes drought which causes famine which causes girls to become prostitutes for food, which then gives them babies or The AIDS or The AIDS babies. Eventually they hit rock bottom and start playing Scratchers from government lotteries. It’s one vicious circle that can only be helped by:

… integrating a gender approach in all policies and programs in the United States that are globally related to climate change;

This just reminds me that we need a fat drunk dude not a Congressman to hang out in the Capitol building and bitch slap politicians who waste time with their personal indulgences These dullards on either side aren’t going to fix shit. They can have the decency to take their paychecks and shut the fuck up. The low aptitude kid knows not to sit in the front row when picking seats in class. The earth will start cooling when all the dumb people stop talking. Or not, but at least the heat will be more bearable.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kendall Jenner Is The New Face Of Calvin Klein

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:54 AM

Kendall Jenner Is The New Face Of Calvin Klein
If Kris Jenner had constructed her girls out of circuit boards and silicon instead of flesh and silicon, the world would regard her as a service products genius. There’s that damn Jiminy Cricket reminding us that turning people into slaves is wrong. Unless they’re of a different race, then it’s cool. The cotton doesn’t pick itself. We despise Kris Jenner because she took her children and forced them through the Play-Doh Armenian whore extruder. There’s no reason to assume Kourtney couldn’t have made an excellent barista or Khloe a reasonably prized piece of commercial farming equipment. They never had a choice. Someone remind this one that Calvin Klein won’t be asking for a hummer. The girls don’t do well off routine.

Photo Credit: Calvin Klein

Angela Simmons in a Bikini

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:42 AM

Angela Simmons Wears A String Bikini In Miami
I don’t know what the fuck Angela Simmons does during the days. It doesn’t matter. She’s got 1.9 million followers on Instagram that want to see her latest adorable hat selection and her naturally large ass in a bikini bottom. Going back to high school reunions is so much easier in the era of social media self-worth. I heard Wendy’s Twitter numbers are lagging, she used to be such a slut. What happened? It’s probably not such a bad thing that the way by which we define people has changed. I used to be a writer, then a blogger, and now a 99-percenter. I stand with Jesus and sing show tunes from Les Miserables in Korean. Somebody fetch me a cup. I need to Tweet like my life depends on it. It probably does.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ana Braga Boob Shake On Instagram (VIDEO)

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

This feels pretty half-assed. It’s not like we demanded this Brazilian chick selfie her tits bouncing up and down like a Christmas window display for grown men. The circus invites you. Every time Ringling Brothers used to parade through our town they’d yell out, we invite you. The elephants formed a small pyramid or they got shot with tranquilizer and crated off to the Manwich factory. That’s what you do when you’ve summoned people into your tent for a show. You put on a fucking show. Make those jugs bounce or stop parading through my town. The art of hosting is dead.

Photo Credit: Instagram/WWTDD Archives

More on Amber Rose Ass Fakes

By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

Rose 2

After it became clear Amber Rose photoshopped her buns like a Carls Jr commercial she came clean and posted a photo of her regular too large to be smooth ass to Instagram. It’s unclear why yet she will obviously be cheered on by a bevy of obese women who like to compare themselves to her the same way I fancy myself as Rambo when I forget to get a haircut. The difference is I don’t go on rogue killing sprees in the jungle yet cellulite isn’t hard to come by. If you’re so proud of your cottage cheese laden ass why did you photoshop it in the first place? When people called me out for talking about that Kony video a lot when I was sober I didn’t pull up a clip of the director masturbating on a street corner and call myself the victor. Either you’re cool with it or not. You can’t have it both ways although I’m sure you have.

Photo credit: Instagram

Andy Cohen Gay For Pay

By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Cohen

Bravo TV host and professional guffawing entertainer Andy Cohen has joined Tinder which is not coincidental because Tinder will pay any celebrity not named Bill Cosby to join Tinder and contract HPV. Cohen joins the list of paid endorsers pretending they’d bang somebody random which includes Katy Perry, Lindsay Lohan, Adele, Halle Berry, Chelsea Handler, Rikki Lake, and the robot from Short Circuit. Who’s Johnny? If you want a run at Katy Perry your best bet is to put on a suit and claim you’re related to Bob Durst. Hot chicks aren’t on Tinder they’re at the club down the street you can’t get into. Gay guys hook up in line at Starbucks so Cohen may be an anomaly. If that’s your bag I’d say go for it. You only pretend to live once.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

David Arquette True To The Streets

By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

DA

David Arquette was allowed to spray paint a wall of which someone else had already done the grunt work because he’s Hollywood royalty and can do whatever he wants so long as it’s not on his own. This includes being in movies and committing petty crime although he sucks at both those things. Stick to your guns and do ecstasy in the guesthouse in your bath robe. The world will get by, trust me on this. This was part of Arquette’s bachelor party celebration. The group then went out and stole cars and took selfies. I know there are holes in your brain but get a real hobby. Steal this guy’s TV and tell him he’s got street cred. He won’t press charges as long as he can tell people he’s got your cell. Tell your friends you don’t know him. Ten months.

Photo Credit: Facebook