I’m not sure if you’re supposed to read the article in GQ about Kendall Jenner or just tug one out to her Photoshopped images. I’m erring on the side of caution and pulling the shades. It’s no simple task to finish with that faint voice of her mom cackling out ‘yes, yes, complete the circle’ but a man knows what has to be done in the face of a Kardashian. Excuse, me, not in, on. Innkeeper, clam dip for all my friends!
The timeless battle between unstoppable shrew and unmovable whore ended when a judge ruled that V. Stiviano had to return the condo and the Bentley and other expensive gifts totaling $2.8 million from Donald Sterling back to Shelly Sterling because Stiviano never Quickbooks invoiced him formally for handies. Shelly Sterling argued that Stiviano suckered her batshit crazy husband into giving her the booty that was rightfully community property between the couple. Donald Sterling supported the argument by drooling in court and asking why Don the Chink won’t let him in the back door at Staples any longer. It’s kind of a sad day for hustlers, also for dignity and the expression of any earnest human emotions.
In court, Stiviano claimed that Donald Sterling was both a ‘father figure and lover’ which caused the stenographer to hurl and the judge to bring down the gavel in favor of Sterling. He did rule Stiviano didn’t have to pay back $200,000 in credit card expenses on Sterling’s card because she had stroked his crinkled penis on more than one occasion and you couldn’t put a price tag on that horror. Though, if you did, it would be around $200,000.
Katy Perry kept her promise to her parents. Yes, the part about exposing the Jewish conspiracy to defile the world’s currencies, but also the oath to never expose her heaving tits to become famous. If the world could be filled with more women who incessantly tease for cash, what a heaven on earth this would could be. You were married to Russell Brand. You’ve done your penance.
Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!
Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.
Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!
Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.
Some blond chick and her brow-pierced buddy thought it would be funny to troll Divorce Court for a free trip to wherever they shoot this in the valley. It was. He accused her of fucking the entire Wu Tang Clan. You get sick of dining out at the Buffalo Wild Wings. Share a bed and fuck some strangers. Don’t tell your husbands in the morning. If you have a defibrillator on the pulse of pop culture a decade ago you’d know the Wu don’t tour together. The token black judge of whatever show this is and her cliche ridden non-union bailiff don’t. Hence this would be impossible but if you’d asked Merv Griffin if this trash could pass for television he’d have choked himself to death with his giant dick. RIP. Where are the meal vouchers? I’m having dinner with these two.
Dennis Quaid blew up on the set of some shitty movie he was shooting presumably because Josh Brolin had the part in the movie he really wanted. Quaid was apparently pissed because when you shoot a film for a community college film program you occasionally have people on set who don’t know what they’re doing. The tirade seems fake but you have to realize Quaid is related to his fugitive brother Randy and mental illness runs in families if not passed down by spoons full of boiled Clorox and needles. If indeed a spoof on Christian Bale’s similar freak out on the Terminator set a few years back this is kind of funny. Although Bale is an actor and Dennis Quaid plays a subservient man bitch in most of his Lifetime movies. He’s treading on Andy Dick status where you act like an asshole and people will just smack you in the mouth or threaten to fire you instead of kowtowing to your horse shit. It’s not worth all the paperwork. How are you a key grip and you can’t hold your iPhone sideways? I call bogus.
When the front isn’t working, why not turn around. That’s some Henry Ford type next level thinking. Chelsea Handler’s attempt to keep her name in the press by means of bare tit shows on social media was something of a fail beyond her klatch of queens and jocularly crippled. She’s moved on to ass shots. Will it work? Fuck if I know. When you’re digging out of prison you don’t always have the option of choosing spoon or fork. You just dig.
Justin Bieber and his extended entourage were denied stage access to the Drake set at Coachella. Venue security excuse that the backstage area was already too full would’ve flown if they hadn’t just let Madonna pass to orally impregnate Drake with her cloacal mucous. Bieber insisted that it wouldn’t be safe for him to watch the show from the audience because he’s too famous and tiny like a child and would be mobbed. Which is actually probably true, though perhaps he underestimates the percentage of the population who root for his death by trampling. Bieber’s security started getting pushy with Coachella security because that’s just one big angry testosterone laden sausage standoff. The Bieber group was ordered by Coachella organizers to leave the premises. One security guy took the general green light to put Bieber into a chokehold and drag him away. A bit ambitious, but imagine that opportunity. You have to take it.
You can’t really see shit in this TMZ video, but they paid a bunch for it, so pretend you can. It’s like the Saddam Hussein hanging. I couldn’t really make it out, but I still felt better for watching.