By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 2:24 PM
Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.
Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”
Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!
By brendon August 23, 2011 @ 5:18 PM
Anne Hathaway sat down with Chelsea Handler to do an interview for, um, Interview, and it didn’t take long before the easily relaxed Hathaway was ratting out her ex boyfriends for being secretly gay.
HATHAWAY:“… the other thing I want to say about Jersey is they need to get on the New York bandwagon and legalize gay marriage.”
HANDLER: “Yeah. That would be a good idea for any state.”
HATHAWAY: “But I think everybody should do that. It’s not a specifically Jersey thing.”
HANDLER: “Well, your brother is gay, right?”
HATHAWAY: “My older brother is gay.”
HANDLER: “We talked about that last time you were on the show. I’m convinced that my older brother is gay, too, although he has yet to come out of the closet.”
HATHAWAY: “He doesn’t admit it?”
HANDLER: “He doesn’t admit it. I keep telling him he’s gay, but he keeps pretending that he’s not.”
HATHAWAY: “I’m convinced that a few guys I’ve dated are gay, and they won’t admit it. I think we’ve all done that.”
Wait, what? I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think all girls have done that. But then most girls haven’t dated Jake Gyllenhaal like Anne was rumored to have done while they were filming ‘Love and Other Drugs’ in 2009. That rumor was probably not true, but if it were it would explain why Anne feels this way. A recent survey revealed that 100 percent of girls who have dated Jake Gyllenhaal think they have ex who was secretly gay, and 100 percent of his boyfriends wish he would stop this charade that isn’t fooling anyone.
(image source of anne looking mostly awful at the european premiere of ‘one day’ about an hour ago in london = getty)
By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 10:48 AM
MEL GIBSON – is facing up to 4 years in jail for hitting his ex. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t know that because if he did I bet he would have hit her even harder. (sun)
AMERICAN IDOL – is down 13 percent in the ratings from one year ago, which was the lowest rated season in the shows history. And this is crazy because everyone loves Jennifer Lopez so much. How could this have gone wrong? It’s a real mindbender. (ew)
TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL – dated briefly around Thanksgiving, then broke up, but now may be back together. They might as well be. They’re never gonna find anyone else this bland and boring, so don’t even bother. (people)
KESHA – has said in countless interviews that that she doesn’t know who her father is, but it might her father, whom she had a very cordial relationship with until she was 19, but then stared telling people she doesn’t know who her father is. Just once it would be nice to find a girl who wasn’t completely fucking nuts. (star)
HILARY DUFF – is pregnant according to Star, but not pregnant according to Hilary Duff. So either Star is lying, or she’s lying, or she wanted to wait and tell me our big news in person. (star, twitter)
By brendon January 05, 2011 @ 12:07 PM
JAKE GYLLENHAAL AND TAYLOR SWIFT – broke up, and now that vindictive psychopath will no doubt try to embarrass him in one of her songs. “And people wonder why I’m gay,” Jake will no doubt say to himself. (us.com)
LINDSAY LOHAN – says she’s not stalking her ex Sam Ronson, and it’s just a coincidence that she moved across town to a house 30 feet from where Sam lives. And that seems reasonable. In a city of 15 million people, how could you NOT rent a house right next to your ex. It’s inevitable. (fox)
KATE GOSSELIN – is in Australia with her kids whom she clearly hates. Maybe thats why she’s teaching them that, when you see a crocodile in the water, go jump on it’s back and try to ride it. Come kids, there’s plenty of room, remember to make lots of quick, sudden moves.
By brendon December 01, 2010 @ 2:35 PM
Jake Gyllenhaal (who turns 30 in 3 weeks) and Taylor Swift (who turns 21 in 2 weeks) are officially dating, according to Us magazine. Oh, the excitement.
Us has the first photos of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal’s romantic Thanksgiving Day weekend.
Arm in arm, the two looked more smitten than ever as they took an afternoon stroll in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood
Dating for just five weeks, the romance is heating up.
“She loves his family and he loves hers,” says a Swift source.
Adds another pal, “It’s definitely serious.”
Hold on to your hats, because they also describe Taylor as “love-struck”. Well knock me down with a feather, why don’t you. I used to date a girl so clingy she liked to hold my dick when I took a piss. Taylor seems like that. Nuts.
Luckily for her Gyllenhaal is practically retarded and a mental blank slate so he probably won’t even notice. Here’s a timeline of what would happen if you hit that dummy in the head with a rock:
0:10 – Blank stare
0:20 – Blank stare
0:30 – “Heeyy, what the…”
‘PRINCE OF PERSIA’ - and ‘the Last Airbender’ are being accused of racism because their leads are played by white people. “Are these summer blockbusters racist?”, the Huff Post asks. “I sure do hope so,” I replied before feeling misled. (huff post)
MEGAN FOX - is not the first actress to accuse Michael Bay of being a prick. In fact I heard Claire Forlani had to sleep with him to get a role in ‘the Rock’. That’s just the rumor, and I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but I felt like the attention was shifting away from me for a second. (jezebel)
LINDSAY LOHAN - will still be able to take prescription meds like Ambien and Adderall even though she’s been ordered not to take drugs, and some say those meds are the root of her addiction problem. “You shut your whore mouth,” replied millions of people who take Ambien and Adderall. (tmz)
AVONS BREAST CANCER WALKS - start again this summer and people should go here and help Lauren. That’s what I did because I fucking hate breast cancer. I’ve loved big tits ever since I was like 3. There might as well be a disease that drowns Winnie the Poohs. (walk)
VANESSA HUDGENS - could be in a really hot incest porn with Thandie Newton. Someone look into setting that up.