By Matt May 12, 2015 @ 7:35 AM
Jake Gyllenhaal is rumored to be dating Ruth Wilson coming as a shocking blow to not all his buddies in the not gay bar he never attends thrice a week. The couple were spotted participating in an outdoor exercise program for suburban pussies known as Barry’s Boot Camp and then kissing afterwards before Wilson left with a group of people most likely including her publicist and the male stripper/paparazzi they hired from the clown college. Sounds authentic to me. Nothing I like more than a glutes tightening pick me up with my lady before jerking off in the sauna. The choice of an outdoor park based workout program seems especially transparent. Maybe just block off the 101 next time and wait for the news choppers. You’re not fooling me on this one Jake. Your eyes are so soft but something lies beneath. The Scientology support team can be there in five. Keep your mouth shut. No, more than that. That’s still enough room for a small cock.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 3:04 PM
I don’t care if you’re trying to shut up your 50-year younger Latina hooker so you can keep your NBA franchise or your old lady’s feisty little sister tried to kick your ass in an elevator, you can never go wrong with a big-ass blood diamond to squelch that nonsense. After Solange Knowles and her Ninja afro tried to take out Jay-Z in an elevator, it was clear that an expensive rapprochement was in order. Jay-Z must’ve recalled when Kobe accidentally ass-raped that hotel concierge in Colorado and then had to buy his wife a million dollar ring to get her to tell the press that Kobe was the sweetest kindest ass-rapist she’d ever known. So Jay-Z was reportedly spotted taking Solange into a jewelry store in Manhattan for a little browsing. Lots of guys wouldn’t put up with being girl assaulted by their sister-in-law, but Jay-Z didn’t get to where he is today by not taking the rapper road less rapper traveled. Just buy them some bling and shut them the fuck up so you can go back to work. I’d vote Jay-Z for President.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis June 21, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Jake Gyllenhaal has quite the understated image when it comes to the ladies that he dates, because he doesn’t get nearly enough credit for the quality he pulls. It’s even more impressive when you consider that it’s only gotten better since he starred in one of the worst movies of all-time, Prince of Persia. Case in point, according to the New York Post, Jake has traded in one Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, EmilyDiDonato, for another in Alyssa Miller.
I don’t know much about Alyssa other than she looks fantastic in a bathing suit and that she shows up to events holding copies of her magazine. It’s a good method for both reminding douchebags not to bother and helping her in case she suddenly develops amnesia.
(Photo Credits: WENN.com)
By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 2:24 PM
Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.
Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”
Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!
By brendon August 23, 2011 @ 5:18 PM
Anne Hathaway sat down with Chelsea Handler to do an interview for, um, Interview, and it didn’t take long before the easily relaxed Hathaway was ratting out her ex boyfriends for being secretly gay.
HATHAWAY:“… the other thing I want to say about Jersey is they need to get on the New York bandwagon and legalize gay marriage.”
HANDLER: “Yeah. That would be a good idea for any state.”
HATHAWAY: “But I think everybody should do that. It’s not a specifically Jersey thing.”
HANDLER: “Well, your brother is gay, right?”
HATHAWAY: “My older brother is gay.”
HANDLER: “We talked about that last time you were on the show. I’m convinced that my older brother is gay, too, although he has yet to come out of the closet.”
HATHAWAY: “He doesn’t admit it?”
HANDLER: “He doesn’t admit it. I keep telling him he’s gay, but he keeps pretending that he’s not.”
HATHAWAY: “I’m convinced that a few guys I’ve dated are gay, and they won’t admit it. I think we’ve all done that.”
Wait, what? I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think all girls have done that. But then most girls haven’t dated Jake Gyllenhaal like Anne was rumored to have done while they were filming ‘Love and Other Drugs’ in 2009. That rumor was probably not true, but if it were it would explain why Anne feels this way. A recent survey revealed that 100 percent of girls who have dated Jake Gyllenhaal think they have ex who was secretly gay, and 100 percent of his boyfriends wish he would stop this charade that isn’t fooling anyone.
(image source of anne looking mostly awful at the european premiere of ‘one day’ about an hour ago in london = getty)
By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 10:48 AM
MEL GIBSON – is facing up to 4 years in jail for hitting his ex. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t know that because if he did I bet he would have hit her even harder. (sun)
AMERICAN IDOL – is down 13 percent in the ratings from one year ago, which was the lowest rated season in the shows history. And this is crazy because everyone loves Jennifer Lopez so much. How could this have gone wrong? It’s a real mindbender. (ew)
TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL – dated briefly around Thanksgiving, then broke up, but now may be back together. They might as well be. They’re never gonna find anyone else this bland and boring, so don’t even bother. (people)
KESHA – has said in countless interviews that that she doesn’t know who her father is, but it might her father, whom she had a very cordial relationship with until she was 19, but then stared telling people she doesn’t know who her father is. Just once it would be nice to find a girl who wasn’t completely fucking nuts. (star)
HILARY DUFF – is pregnant according to Star, but not pregnant according to Hilary Duff. So either Star is lying, or she’s lying, or she wanted to wait and tell me our big news in person. (star, twitter)