Bad guys in movies are always threatening mopes with harm to their virginal daughters if they refuse to comply with various sinister demands. These villains have never studied Hammurabi. The punishment has to fit the crime. You make one onerously shitty plodding Bryce Dallas Howard unisexual plastic ball dinosaur movie, I stare at your eighteen year old as she drips vanilla on her boobs. Shut up, Lady Justice. I just gave Josh Duggar the address of your daughters sleepover party. He’s got board games and a desire to show Jesus he still has a ways to go. We’re all sinners.
By almost any measure, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ is one of the most successful and entertaining movies ever made. As long as you ignore the ending, which might be the worst ending ever for an otherwise great movie. Because Indiana Jones doesn’t do anything. He literally does nothing. He’s tied to a pole, and the Nazis open the Ark and it kills them and Indy had nothing to do with it. The exact same thing would have happened whether he was there or not. The entire point of the movie was to keep the Nazis from using the Ark, and the Ark did that by itself. Our hero had zero effect on the outcome of the story.
Which is weird, because the rest of the movie is so awesome. Why was the ending so bad? Why would Steven Speilberg do that? Is it because he actually sort of sucks?
Well he has an interview in the new Entertainment Weekly, and he says he had doubts about the ending even while making it.
“I was a little bit dubious about what happens when they open the ark. What actually is going to come out of the ark? There were a lot of crazy things in the script. I wasn’t sure how much we could actually get on the screen. We made a lot of it up as we were in postproduction.”
Oh ok I guess he didn’t have any doubts. Except for how to film scary angel faces. But what a thrill it was to see Indiana sheepishly open his eyes and hope the danger had gone away while he was shrieking. I fucking hate you Steven Spielberg.
Steven Spielberg has a interview in the new issue of Empire, and if you hated the idea of aliens in ‘Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’, you’re in good company, because he did too.
“…I sympathise with people who didn’t like the MacGuffin because I never liked the MacGuffin. George and I had big arguments about the MacGuffin. I didn’t want these things to be either aliens or inter-dimensional beings. But I am loyal to my best friend. When he writes a story he believes in – even if I don’t believe in it – I’m going to shoot the movie the way George envisaged it. I’ll add my own touches, I’ll bring my own cast in, I’ll shoot the way I want to shoot it, but I will always defer to George as the storyteller of the Indy series. I will never fight him on that.”
Aww golly, that’s kinda touching. I can’t help but admire the way he knowingly screwed the audience by making a terrible movie just because his friend asked him too. It really inspires confidence.
(what sucks is that these two used to be great at this. no, really. here is an outstanding article about the first Indiana Jones story meetings between Spielberg, Lucas, and the great screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan. I have no idea what happened since them but i doubt Lucas could even write a note telling me he went to the store without fucking it up. ‘You needed milk and went to Area 51? What, why? That seems unreasonable.’ “
‘War Horse’ has a new full length trailer out today (HD copies here), and I just want to say once again that Steven Speilberg can go fuck himself. I’ll admit that this worked on me but only because I’m a malleable simpleton, not because it’s a good movie. Here’s the plot:
ACT 1: A boy has a horse that he loves very much. ACT 2: Speilberg spends 2 hours threatening to kill it. ACT 3: He doesn’t. Or maybe he does. “Ooo, look, I’m taking the audience on an emotional roller coaster.” No, you’re not. You’re just a manipulative dick.
I bet there was only one storyboard to map out this entire movie and it looked like this. That’s supposed to be an Academy Award in Spielbergs hand, by the way, but I can’t draw so it sorta looks like the NBA trophy or a butt plug, which may or may not be a part of Hollywood pitch meetings for all I know. Also you could argue that it wasn’t necessary to include a Star of David on his hat. Things got a little bigoted there at the end.
BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD – will return to MTV later this year, and now there’s a 5 minute preview of the new season. In related news, Pauly Shore will box a kangaroo this weekend at the Des Moines Chevrolet “Dealin Days”. (hollywood reporter)
STEVEN SPIELBERG – made his first ever appearance at Comic Con today, and used it to announce that the movie no one has been waiting for, ‘Jurassic Park 4′, will be out in a year or two. “Here’s some shit about a group of people who get trapped and chased and occasionally eaten by dinosaurs for the fourth time because I want more money,” I assume he said. (usa today)
KATY PERRY – has dyed her hair blond. Because what’s more edgy and outrageous than a girl in LA with big tits and dyed blond hair. (e!)
DEXTER – has a trailer previewing season 6, and it looks to be as great as ever, with the kid at the hardware store still not wondering why he needs so much plastic drop clothes and cling wrap. (youtube)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND BLAKE LIVELY – are apparently not broken up as was previously reported, and were actually together in Santa Barbara on Wednesday. So you might as well deal with it and have sex with me, Bar Refaeli. (us)
VANESSA MINNILLO AND NICK LACHEY – are on their honeymoon in St. Barts today, and it’s not entirely clear but these might be some shots of Nick forcing Vanessa to throw rocks at some black kids on a raft. So be sure to let everyone know that Nick Lachey hates black people. I mean, what are you fucking blind, look at the pictures! (fame)
Gwyneth Paltrow is a completely horrible person, I don’t think anyone has come here today to dispute that, but she looks ok in a bikini considering she’s 38 with two kids. Which is probably the nicest thing I’ll ever say about her.
Here she is with her kids over the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy, along with Steven Spielberg, whom she also spends every Thanksgiving with because he’s been a friend of her family forever and is even her godfather. He of course also gave her her first role in a movie, playing Wendy in ‘Hook’. So keep this in mind the next time you hear Paltrow telling you how hard she’s had to work to get where she is in life. She was born into an incredibly rich family, the daughter of a very successful actress and a very successful producer, then handed every opportunity to succeed at a very easy job that made her even more rich. And instead of being grateful for this, she pretends like it never happened and lectures everyone about why they’re not as wonderful as she is. As God as my witness, if I was ever alone with her in an elevator, there’s at least a 5 percent chance I would punch her in the face.